- Gambling in any form was, is and always will be a tax on the stupid. Just because the occasional random shmuck hits it big doesn’t mean that you aren’t still a tool if you throw away your money on the lottery or at a casino. So while it’s nice to see 88-year-old Rebecca Berry of Hawaii win more than $1.3 million playing a $1 progressive slot machine at Mystic Lake Casino in Minnesota, let’s not get too pumped about it. Berry was on vacation in Minnesota (you’ve got about a one-month window to enjoy what passes as summer in the state, really) visiting two of her daughters and decided to hit up the casino to throw away some of her money. "I would play, walk away, play, walk away, and I kept coming back to the same machine for two days,” she said of the machine she ultimately won on. With her newfound wealth, Berry plans to finally quit her job as as a secretary for U.S. district court judge back in Hawaii. "I was planning on retiring early next year but I'm going to call him and say I quit," she said. That’s great for Rebecca Berry, but not great news for all of the other degenerate gamblers out there who will see her story and have a renewed hope that they too can strike it big playing keno, progressive slots or blackjack at the nearest casino. The fact remains that casinos aren’t able to build gaudy, skyscraper monstrosities because they give away so much money to customers. They can construct those hideous, tacky structures in Las Vegas, Atlantic City and other places because the odds are stacked in their favor to an insane extent. So if you’re reading this story and you feel even the slightest tinge of hope for your own gambling habit, stop immediately and make sure that your money is some place where it is safe from you and your gambling jones. You are not going to win $1.3 million playing progressive slots, period. Deal with it and with the fact that if you are intent on becoming a millionaire, you’re going to have to earn it……..
- Every day I get so many inquiries about where former United States figure skating champion and World Figure Skating Championship bronze medalist Nicole Bobek has been and what this former ice queen is up to now. Bobek is an understandably compelling figure, given the fact that she never won or was in serious contention for an Olympic medal in a sport that no one in America cares about outside of the three or four days it takes place every four years during the Winter Olympics. To answer those many questions, my girl N. Bobek has apparently been occupying a key role in a meth distribution ring in New Jersey, although she’s not going to be doing much meth distributing in the near future. Now that the cops have busted Bobek and her partners, their business venture will have to be put on hold. Late last week, Bobek made her first appearance in a Jersey City court on the charge of conspiracy to distribute meth. “She played a significant role in this operation. She was actively involved in the upper echelon of this ring,” said Hudson County Prosecutor Edward DeFazio. Well of course she did, Ed, she’s Nicole Freaking Bobek. Nicole Bobek isn't going to even consider being a part of a meth ring unless she has a prominent role. When you’ve garnered a 17th at the 1998 Winter Olympics at Nagano, Japan, you don’t take a back seat to anyone at any time. Police received information about the operation and set up a probe that ultimately resulted in more than a dozen arrests, including Bobek's. She was actually arrested in Jupiter, Fla. at one of her two homes, the other being in Manhattan. She was arrested in Florida as a fugitive from justice but did not fight extradition back to New Jersey. As she made her court appearance via video link from the Hudson County jail in Kearny, Bobek looked drastically different than most fans remember her from her days as a competitive skater. In place of the long, blonde ‘do she sported on the ice, Bobek is now rocking short, dark hair that is honestly just more befitting of a prominent player in a meth distribution ring. If convicted of the charges against her, Bobek faces up to 10 years in prison. Now that we’ve covered all of the details, hopefully that will put an end to the deluge of Nicole Bobek-related emails I am swamped with on a daily basis………
- Who could have seen this coming? The iPhone, a supposed hallmark in the history of technology and a quantum leap forward in the world of smartphones, has gone the way that every other piece of information technology ultimately goes: porn. Sooner or later, every single innovation in the IT field is ultimately going to be used extensively for the distribution and consumption of porn. It has gone that way with television, the Internet and now the smartphone. Slowly but surely, nude photos and other potentially objectionable materials have been popping up in Apple’s apps store. Obviously, any device that can access the Web will have this problem, but Apple appears intent on waging war with those who would turn its apps store into a virtual meat market. However, that hasn’t stopped app developers from churning out a series of applications featuring nude pictures and other objectionable images in recent weeks. In the most recent example, a nude photo of a young woman, reported to be 15 years old, showed up on an iPhone application called "BeautyMeter.” The image was submitted by one of the photo-sharing app's users, but it was only up for a few hours before Apple took the entire application down. Funnymals, maker of the BeautyMeter app, actually issued a statement on its Web site declaring that it agrees with Apple's decision to yank the phone application from its online store. As with other appearance-centric apps, BeautyMeter allows users to upload and posts photos of people and then rank them based on "hotness." Its removal from the online store comes a week after another iPhone application, "Hottest Girl," was ripped from the apps store because it featured a photo of a topless. "Apple will not distribute applications that contain inappropriate content, such as pornography," an Apple company spokesman said when “Hottest Girl” was yanked. The question now is whether Apple can sufficiently police the iPhone app store, which contains more than 50,000 applications. It is Apple’s most popular marketplace and the company has used it to polish its image as a trendy and family-friendly company. Having porn apps would seem to run contrary to that image, which is probably why Apple is fighting so hard against the degenerates who want to turn the apps store into yet another place for freaks and misfits to access online porn. Porn isn't the only issue when it comes to applications being allowed or disallowed in the Apple store, but it certainly is the most interesting. The most-notable non-porn application issue for the store was the removal of a Nine Inch Nails application, because it streamed a song with offensive lyrics. NIN frontman Trent Reznor lashed out against Apple on his Web site, calling the company hypocritical and pointing out that the song in question also was available on iTunes. However, I doubt that any of you heard about that incident and I’m guessing that most everyone has heard of the porn problems in the apps store. Thanks for giving us something to talk about, porn-loving degenerates……..
- Smokers are losers. I’ve said it over and over and I’ll say it again because I stand by it. Anyone who willingly jams cancer sticks into their pie hole, pays ridiculous amounts of money to do so, drastically ups their chances of lung cancer and emphysema, harms the health of anyone in their immediate vicinity, turns their face into a green-ish, leathery catcher’s mitt and is happy to do all of those things is a loser. So if the average smoker is that big of a loser, how on Earth do I even begin to describe a person so desperate to feed his smoking habit that dude actually leases land and sets out to grow his own tobacco? Sadly, this individual also comes from the same county where I spent most of my childhood, which makes this story even more regrettable. Don Carey is a man with a smoking habit and rather than look to kick that habit, save his health and his money in the process and make the world a better place, the Portage County (Ohio) resident bought 33 types of tobacco seeds and will now plant them on a plot of farm land he is leasing from his sister. He was inspired to new heights of stupidity and new levels of pathetic because of the increase in the federal tax earlier this year. Carey calls his decision part protest and part economics. That might piss me off more than anything, because you all know how much I love protests and I don’t want them associated with smoking now or ever. After buying his seeds, Carey recruited 15 imbecilic volunteers and got his tobacco crop planted. However, there is still a chance for this little experiment to fail and it all depends on my new best friends in nature, crop-eating pests. Tobacco is a labor-intensive crop anyhow, but it requires constant attention to keep pests from destroying it. Needless to say I’m rooting for all pests in and around the Portage County area to do their best in destroying Don Carey’s tobacco crop. And to think, all of this because some loser has to choke down a pack of cancer sticks a day and needs about 17 pounds of tobacco a year for his own cancer sticks. Under ideal growing conditions, Carey believes the yield from his tobacco crop could bring 2,000 pounds. He also wants to spread his disease of tobacco growing to others, saying, “I’m planning on selling plants and seeds and instruction manuals. I want to help anyone that wants to grow tobacco. Also, Carey has even managed to infect the mind of his daughter Lisa, a non-smoker. She’s helping pops grow his product of death because of the principle involved. "I think he's doing a good thing showing people there are other options besides spending so much money," said Lisa Carey. I’ve got two words for you, Lisa: sell out. That’s what you are and you should be ashamed of yourself…….
- Oh you not-so-loveable freaks at PETA, you’re at it again. Allow me to finish the last bite of my juicy steak, set aside my chicken wings, hot dog and turkey leg, take off my leather coat, get up off my bearskin rug, take off my alligator skin boots, sit down in my plush leather chair and respond. Seems that the PETA freaks, also known as the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, is pissed over a Texas Lottery television ad featuring an elephant. No one is riding, taunting or harming the elephant in any way during the ad for the lottery's $500 Million Blockbuster scratch-off game, but still the ass clowns at PETA are upset. The elephant merely appears on screen as the announcer talks about the “huge payouts and big prices” and declares the game “is just too big to ignore.” Sadly, 75 people with no lives and no friends were so upset by the sight of an elephant standing on a sound stage for a commercial that they allegedly called PETA to complain. PETA then called the Texas Lottery Commission claiming that the ad exploits elephants. “Elephants used in the entertainment industry are traumatized when they are taken from their mothers as babies, and they are then trained through domination, fear and punishment,” PETA said in a press release. Are you freaking kidding me? You a-holes are what traumatizes people. Someone needs to dominate, push and put fear into you, PETA. Seriously, get a hold of yourselves. It’s one thing if the animals are being subjected to painful things, deprived of food and water or some similar tactic, but they’re not. You freaks think you understand the psyche of an elephant and how horribly traumatized it is by being trained to appear in TV commercials. Thankfully the Texas Lottery Commission shot down PETA’s moronic demands to stop airing the ads and to promise to never use exotic animals in its commercials in the future. “The American Humane Society was on site the whole time the commercial was being shot,” said Bobby Heath, with the Texas Lottery Commission. Hear that, PETA idiots? The Humane Society, which to the best of my knowledge is actively looking to protect and care for animals and their rights, was on hand the entire time and they had no issues whatsoever. Take that as a cue to shut your mouths, take a hike and never be heard from again……..
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