- Here’s to getting what you deserve. Cheering for a teenage girl falling several feet into an open manhole might seem cold and calloused - until you hear why Alexa Longueira fell into a manhole in Travis, N.Y. She was walking along, texting on her cell phone and didn’t see the open manhole when she took the fall. "I fell in a hole," Longueira said. "Like, there was no warning about a big, open hole." Umm, would you have seen it if it had been there, chica? Were you not so concerned with the text from your BFF about some OMG moment that happened at the mall, you could have seen a freaking open manhole. Longueira is actually fortunate that a) she only had a six-foot fall and b) that she only landed in four inches of raw sewage. She suffered cuts across her arms and down her back, but is otherwise okay. Had she hit her head or landed in a bigger pile of sewage, things could have been worse - or smellier. "A manhole. My kid falls down a manhole," Alexa’s mother, Kim Longueira, said. "She was smelly.” And what a proud moment it must have been for Mrs. Longueira, learning that her daughter is so clueless and oblivious that she falls into a manhole and lands in human waste. Here’s a good rule of thumb: texting while driving is illegal in some places, but texting while walking is also something you should avoid. Unless walking on a treadmill, there is still a world around you going about its business and you are in an ever-changing environment with potential dangers all around you. For example, workers might be flushing a high-pressure sewer one evening and have a manhole cover open. So unless you are in training for the world texting championships, which ironically enough were won by a teenage girl again this year, save the texting for times when you are stationary or not in danger of falling into an open manhole…….
- Bad idea, Los Angeles Clippers, bad idea. From a franchise that seems to have an entire department devoted to coming up with them given their proficiency in the practice, signing washed-up, shoot-first/second/third/fourth guard Allen Iverson is one of the worst ideas the Clips have had in recent memory. In his prime, AI was a prolific scorer whose toughness and fearless attitude allowed him to defy his diminutive stature and lead the league in scoring several times. Now that he’s more than a decade into his career, his athletic ability is starting to decline and yet the trigger-happy mentality and cantankerous attitude he’s had all along the way remain. He’s a malcontent who can’t come to grips with the fact that he’s no longer an elite player. That much was evident when the Denver Nuggets traded him to Detroit just four games into last season and proceeded to make it all the way to the Western Conference finals. By comparison, the Pistons had a terrible season, finishing eighth in the Eastern Conference and being swept out of the playoffs by a wildly overrated Cleveland team. By the time the playoffs rolled around, AI was long gone. He was such a bitter man about being relegated to a reserve role that the Pistons created a fictitious back injury he’d supposedly suffered and used it as an excuse to have him not be with the team as the regular season neared its end. Now that he’s a free agent, Iverson has drifted along on the open market for two weeks and counting, receiving only tepid interest from a motley crew of teams looking to offer him a one-year deal. No one wants to invest heavily in the guy because of his attitude problems and propensity to wreck a team’s offense with his gunner mentality. However, leave it to the Clippers to think that signing AI is a great idea. His agent, Leon Rose, was traveling to Las Vegas to arrange a meeting with the Clippers as the next step in the process of finding a new home for the former MVP. Other teams reportedly interested include the league’s second-most inept franchise, the Memphis Grizzlies, and the Miami Heat. The Clippers are reportedly intent on finding out whether Iverson would accept a reserve role before signing him, which would actually be the only smart part of this deal. Still, how are you going to take the word of a guy looking to sucker a team into giving him a contract over his own actions when asked to take on a similar role last season with a better team? Plus, how would signing AI impact the development of second-year guard Eric Gordon, coming off of a promising rookie campaign? The black hole that is AI on offense would surely suck up some of Gordon’s touches and shot attempts, and for what? The Clippers aren’t going to contend for anything next year, not even if No. 1 draft pick Blake Griffin is the second coming of Karl Malone at the power forward spot. Signing Iverson is simply a bad idea for any team right now, but especially the Clippers. Of course, that means one thing: it’s going to happen and it’s going to happen soon…….
- Few things in the entertainment industry have the potential to truly, truly anger me. After all, it’s the entertainment industry and often has little to no bearing on the day-to-day life of the average person. However, this is one of those stories that has that potential to not only anger me but to make me livid to the point of throwing large household appliances around and inflicting senseless violence on inanimate objects. If you’ve read this space for any time now, you know exactly where I’m going with this. That teeth-bleaching, tip-frosting, man-blouse-wearing tool Ryan Seacrest had pulled off one of the most absurd and infuriating bank robberies of all-time by scoring a new three-year, $45 million deal to extend his run as American Karaoke’s host. Yes, dude is going to earn $15 f&#$ing million dollars a year to stand on a giant stage, introduce a bunch of hack karaoke singers as they prepare to belt out gawd-awful karaoke version of songs that either sucked to begin with or ruin songs that used to be good. He’s making $15 million to red crappy, stiff dialogue off a teleprompter and tell no-life-having losers the phone number to call if they want to throw away their money just to vote for which ass hat will win the world’s biggest karaoke contest. The three-year contract with Idol producer 19 Entertainment's parent company, CKX, Inc., more than triples his current salary and will give this clown the highest salary of any reality TV host. It does mandate that Seacrest can only appear on prime-time broadcast television for CKX, although he does have a separate contract to anchor E! News for Comcast. I’m not even sure what part of this deal makes me the angriest. For one, it basically ensures that the menace to music and society that is American Karaoke will be around for another three years. True, that does give me plenty of targets to mock for those three years, but AK is one thing I could do without mocking if it meant that it was dead and buried. If I had my way, everyone ever associated with the show in any way would be banned from the entertainment industry for life. Sadly, the idiots at 19 Entertainment are too ignorant to realize this and instead they’re handing out absurd pay raises to the lamest metrosexual in the history of television……..
- I loves me a good war crimes trial. When the international community posses up to put a despotic, dictatorial former leader on trial for alleged crimes against humanity, count me in. As such, I’d like to welcome former Liberian President Charles Taylor to the international stage as our latest despot on trial. Taylor is playing the part well, already expressing incredulity at the testimony against him. As his trial rolls on at the Special Court for Sierra Leone, established by the United Nations and the Sierra Leone government, Taylor appeared as the first defense witness at a trial that began two years ago. He mustered some solid fake incredulity, saying "there is no way" he is guilty of any of the charges. That’s right, Chuck. Everyone just made up that bloody civil war in neighboring Sierra Leone that led to widespread murder, rape, and mutilation and fabricated all of the evidence suggesting you fueled that war. “I am not guilty of all of these charges, not even a minute part of these charges," Taylor, president between 1997 and 2003, said. This whole case is a case of deceit, deception, lies.” Not to nitpick, Chuck, but what is a minute of criminal charges? My man, this is a criminal case, not a prepaid phone card or cell phone plan. The metaphor you’re reaching for is an ounce or a shred of the charges, not a minute. As for those charges, the war in Sierra Leone centered on the explosive issue of blood diamonds and was fought largely by child soldiers who were forced to kill, given addictive drugs to provoke violent behavior, and often instructed to rape and plunder. For his alleged role in the conflict, Taylor is charged with five counts of crimes against humanity, including murder, sexual slavery and violence, and enslavement. He also faces five counts of war crimes, including acts of terrorism and torture, and one count of other serious violations of international humanitarian law. He is selling his innocence hard, pleading not guilty and acting downright insulted at the implication that he had anything to do with a war he clearly had a lot to do with. “It is quite incredible that such descriptions of me would come about. Very, very, very unfortunate that the prosecution -- because of this information, misinformation, lies, rumors -- would associate me with such titles or descriptions," he said. “I am a father of 14 children, grandchildren, with love for humanity.” Riiiiight. This trial has actually been quite a circus ever since it kicked off in June 2007. Taylor boycotted the first session, saying he could not expect a fair trial and calling the proceedings a "charade." The prosecution began its case in January 2008 and finished in February this year. Taylor is also making history as the first African head of state to go on trial for war crimes before an international tribunal, but he clearly doesn’t appreciate that milestone. Oh, and it would help his case of not fueling a massive civil war in Sierra Leone if he weren’t also blamed for fueling a lengthy civil war in Liberia when he was president. Still. props to Chuck Taylor for putting up a good front by lamenting that he just can’t understand how witnesses "can come and in an organized fashion lie -- lie and lie and lie." Keep it up, Chuck, you’re making this a very enjoyable experience……..
- Let me first and foremost say I’m not against people having the right to burn a flag as a means of protest. If you want to torch a flag because you wish to make a statement against your government, so be it. That’s not a popular position to take, but oh well. Having said that, what some idiot in the Dallas area is doing by going around and anonymously burning other people’s American flags is chicken sh*t. The incidents have occurred in a north Dallas neighborhood where a home in the Preston Valley Villas has had his American flag burned by an unknown invader twice in the past two weeks. Two weeks ago, Ed Jordan came home to find his American flag in ashes on his front yard. This week, it happened again. "It makes me sick to think about anybody having that sort of disrespect," said Jordan. "Soon as I looked at it and touched it, I could tell it had been burning." After the first incident, an Iraq war veteran donated a special flag just days later. That flag flew over a base the soldier served at. Fortunately that flag was not flying Sunday night when Jordan’s classless mystery arsonist struck again. Another Pine Valley Villas resident has also been victimized by the cowardly flag burner, but has yet to replace her flag. Other residents are now getting their inner vigilante on and making threats of what they’ll do if they catch the arsonist, which is actually pretty funny. Ultimately, this ass clown is deserving of a beatdown, but these villa dwellers won't be the one to give it to him or her. The bottom line is that if you want to burn a flag, it had better be your flag and you had better be willing to stand behind your actions. To do it the way this a-hole is going about it is absolute garbage, period…….
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