2,000 words of dripping Thursday sarcasm

- John L. Smith must be one of the five most bitter men in all of sports. Your might remember Smith as the Howard Dean sound-a-like who actually slapped himself at a press conference following a loss this past season, before he was fired as head football coach at Michigan State. His Spartans were abysmal once again, and Smith was fired, in part because they suffered an atrocious homecoming loss to Illinois, a team that only won two games last year but somehow managed to come into MSU and do the Spartans on their home field. After the game, a melee broke out when some Illini players tried to plant a giant Illinois flag at midfield to celebrate the win. Well, Smith was canned and now, several months later, he’s still trying to take shots at Illinois and its head coach, Ron Zook. When Zook landed a Top 20 recruiting class for an Illinois team that went 2-10 in 2006, Smith suggested that a team with such a bad record and less-than-stellar facilities couldn’t possibly attract such a great bunch of recruits - at least not ethically and legally. Without saying anything specific, Smith alleged that something shady is going on at UI. John L., I don’t know any other way to say this, so I’ll do it this way: unless you’ve got hard proof, shut your mouth. If you have no evidence, just bitterness-fueled suspicion, you have no business casting aspersions on Zook and his staff. If you have actual evidence, turn it over to the NCAA. But right now, you look like a bitter, sour, grumpy old dude who can't get over the fact that he lost to a team he esteemed as being so inferior to his own.

- This could be a genuinely benevolent act with only positive ramiprecussions (yes, I invented a new word, deal with it), or it could be an ill-fated decision culminating in disaster: Ozzfest, a popular annual tour featuring hard rock and metal acts, will make tickets to this year’s tour free. Sponsors will underwrite the tour, meaning fans can see Ozzy Osbourne and whatever other artists he assembles (lineup still under construction) for no charge. On one hand, it’s nice to have a throwback to the Woodstock-era free-concert-in-the-park vibe. But you have to wonder if fans like Korn, Rage Against the Machine, Slipknot (artists who have played the ‘Fest in the past), people with a seemingly endless and unexplainable reservoir of violence, anger and sense of disenfranchisement directed at the world, will be able to comply with procedures whereby they will receive these free tickets. Assuming a venue has a limited number of seats and they just have to get in line for ducats, what are the odds that no fights and melees break out when someone cuts in line, looks at another dude’s chick in a wrong way or when those waiting in the back of the line find out that all the tickets are gone? Yeah, that’ll end well. Of course, when you’re as filthy rich as Ozzy, you can afford to give a tour where you basically don’t make any money off tickets and in exchange you get tons of positive pub. Of course, I’m sure tour organizers are hoping to gash fans and make money back on merch and food, so don’t be surprised if t-shirts are $45 and a soft pretzel is $14.50. Fans in San Diego, Seattle, Denver, Chicago, Kansas City, Atlanta, West Palm Beach and Nashville, hope you all enjoy the (free) show.

- I just don’t see any truth in the fears of Mexican business leaders that bloody, brazen daytime killings by suspected drug smugglers just up the hill from Acapulco Bay will hurt the country’s tourism industry. Why would drug dealers whacking people just up the road from your beachfront hotel be a problem? In the most recent incident, drug smugglers entered two police stations and killed cops and staffers. Mayor Felix Salgado said in response to the violence, “I hope this does not affect the tourist image.” No, F., I’m sure it won’t. Tourists aren't concerned with tiny matters like personal safety and the possibility of being kidnapped or killed. The potential that at any moment, armed gunmen might burst into the fish taco joint you’re lunching at and start killing people adds spice and excitement to any vacation. Also among the killings by the drug dealers are six beheadings, and if I’m not mistaken, one of the brochures available from the Acapulco Dept. of Tourism attempts to entice would-be visitors to “Come to Acapulco and get your dome lopped off.” Personally, though, I think I’ll go ahead and restrict my travel plans to places where I can be sure that my chances of getting offed are much more remote.

- Keep this up, Gov. Bill Richardson, and you’re going to run yourself right out of the race for the Democratic presidential nomination. To be truthful, B. Richardson has zero chance to get the nomination, because Barack Obama is about to lap him and even the deplorable and stunningly dude-like Hank Clinton, D-NY is probably ahead of him. But Richardson’s active advocacy of banning cockfighting in his home state of New Mexico isn't going to help his street cred. New Mexico is one of only two states where cockfighting is still legal, but if the governor has his way, that’s going to end. Personally, I don’t understand this. How can you not be down with the idea of two chickens pecking one another to death and having razor blades and gaffs strapped to their legs to cut each other? This sport doesn’t end until one rooster is dead or injured to the point that it’s basically dead, and who wouldn’t be proud to have that going on in their state? I’m sure that the many Democratic voters who would have voted for Richardson in the hopes that he would, as President, bring cockfighting to the whole nation, will now throw their support behind another candidate. Wonder how Joe Lieberman feels about the sport? Don’t ask Hank Clinton, though, because I’m sure that dude has no problem with brutal violence and ruthless aggression.

- From the Department of News That Makes You Want to Build a Giant Wall and a Moat Around Your Home, we have this story: an international crackdown in kiddie porn sickos has nabbed more than 2,400 people in 77 countries. Yes, there are more than 2,400 people (and that’s just the ones caught in this sting, not to mention the losers who get snagged by one of the ubiquitous NBC To Catch a Predator investigative shows) in this world who pay money to see footage on the Internet of sexual abuse of children. Dang…..I knew this world was messed up, but even one person that twisted is disturbing, let alone knowing that there are more than a few of them in pretty much every nation advanced enough to have Internet access. An Austrian Internet service employee found the videos, blocked access to them and recorded the information of people who tried to access them. Authorities then began their crackdown, including some people who accessed the disgusting footage through a Russian website for $89. On days like this, I find myself extremely pissed at Al Gore for inventing the Internet in the first place. As great as the Net can be for many uses, it’s incidents like this that make me sick on so many levels.

- Because America is a fat, fat place that builds a new McDonald’s or KFC every hour, the quest to find the magic answer to our obesity crises forges on. Since fat people can't figure out how to exercise and stop slamming fried chicken and pizza down their pie holes, science is continually searching for medical miracles to help the obese shed the pounds. The weight-loss pill orlistat, previously available only via prescription, will now come in an OTC version. This fat pill blocks about a quarter of the fat consumed in any given meal when taken with those meals. This might be too obvious, but wouldn’t avoiding high-fat foods be easier? Maybe go with the boneless, skinless chicken breast instead of a bucket of greasy KFC chicken? Perhaps for dessert, eat a chocolate chip granola bar instead of downing a pint of Rocky Road Ben & Jerry’s. The only potential upside on this drug for those of us not carrying around dozens of extra lbs. is the possibility that commercials for orlistat will push all of the ads for crank enhancement and sexual performance drugs aside. If that happens, I’ll happily stop criticizing drugs for fat people and move on to something else.

- Can you remember the last time you cared about the NBA Slam Dunk Contest? I can’t, although admittedly I’m not a big NBA guy and follow only the league in a cursory sense. Ever since the last work stoppage/strike/lockout in the ‘90s, I just can't generate much enthusiasm for the Association. The Slam Dunk Contest produces a whole new level of disinterest, though, and it’s not just me. The players don’t give a rat’s a** either. Every year, at least a half dozen guys reject invitations to participate in the event before the NBA prevails upon a few no-names looking to build some notoriety to take part. This year, though, even one of the players who agreed to compete isn't really enthused about it. Tyrus Thomas, a rookie for the Chicago Bulls, will be in the contest but admitted straight up that he’s just in it for the money. “I’m just going to go out there, get my check and call it a day,” he explained. “I’m just into the free money. That’s it. I’ll just do whatever when I get out there.” Given a chance to back down from his comments, he adamantly maintained he’ll just wing it in the contest and not really care about the results, just as long as he gets paid. He doesn’t care about the chance to rub elbows with some NBA legends; he just wants his jack. The Bulls, led by hard a** fascist dictator/coach Scott Skiles, threw down a $10,000 fine on Thomas for the comments, but he’ll make twice that much for participating anyhow. Yeah, but this is still an integral part of All-Star Weekend, right NBA? Wake me up when the playoffs roll around and I might be able to muster a shred of interest.

- Better learn English if you are planning to live in Nashville. This would seem obvious, what with Nashville being in Tennessee and a part of these here United States of America, but the Nashville City Council felt the need to pass a resolution declaring English the city’s official language. So all government communications must now be in English, with some minor exceptions. One possible concern is all of the redneck country music singers who reside in Nashville. I don’t know what language these people sing and speak in, but for many of them, it doesn’t seem to be English. Some bastardized, dumbed-down version of English, maybe, but they might have some trouble with this new law. Also, where exactly does this whole imperialistic, ethno-centric bull crap stop? Does everyone, everywhere feel the need to stand up and beat their chest to prove that they’re a red-blooded, patriotic American? Nashville needs to proclaim English as its official language? Who’s next, Council Bluffs, Iowa? Billings, Montana? If states in the center of the country feel the need to do this sort of thing, states with no major ports of entry like Miami, New York, L.A. or cities in southern Texas, then how long before we all follow suit? Nashville isn't the first city to take this step, and I doubt it’ll be the last. Anything to make immigrants and non-English speakers feel excluded, perhaps…….but either way, speaking and communicating in English should be something we all know and don’t have to have legislated to us.

Astro-nuts, "dynamite" protests and W. is still a moron

- Kudos to U.S. astro-nut Lisa Marie Nowak. In a world where most people lack the focus, drive, determination and dedication to see their goals through to completion, this whack job took commitment to a new extreme. Nowak, you may already know, is the woman who strapped on an adult diaper, loaded her car with mace, rubber tubing, a knife, a steel mallet, garbage bags and God knows what else and drove 900 miles from Houston to Orlando in an attempt to kill or kidnap the a women she viewed as a rival for the affections of a fellow astronaut that she was in love with. Forget that Nowak is a married mother of three, or that the woman she assaulted, Air Force Capt. Colleen Shipman, isn't even in an actual relationship with Cmdr. William Oefelein, the fellow astronaut in question. Nothing says commitment to excellence quite like being willing to wear a diaper so you can soil yourself and thus save a few minutes in travel time. Think for a minute about the fact that this is the kind of person we’re apparently sending up into space. People operating obscenely expensive equipment and technology and operating in dangerous, tight conditions out in space are the same ones from whom we get this mental case. How does Nowak get past the initial screening process at NASA? How does someone not red flag her during her psych exam? Somehow, I don’t think using the insanity defense in her upcoming attempted murder trial will be that much of a stretch.

- Both houses of Congress have a difficult time working cohesively on both an internal basis and when it comes to functioning with the other half of America’s chief legislative body. Bills and issues are held up and twisted so many times and in so many different ways that you begin to wonder if anything will ever get done. Pretty amazing, then, when you consider that both the House and the Senate are moving forcefully to oppose W.’s new plan for Iraq by any means possible. In the House, a non-binding measure to oppose the 21,500-troop surge will be voted on next week. That measure would be only a symbolic gesture because the House can't actually force the troop surge to stop, but it would be an open condemnation of an idiotic plan being forced on all of us by our Moron in Chief. Meanwhile, withdrawal bills have been introduced in the Senate, and Sen. Dick Durbin of Illinois said in part, “We’re not going to stand by a failed policy that exposes more of our soldiers to death and suffering.” For that, Sen. Durbin receives my Senate MVP of the Week award. I know our Constitution gives certain powers to our President out of necessity, but the ability to unilaterally send thousands of American troops into a pointless war that’s already dragged on far too long and expose those troops to grave danger and possible death should not be one of them. There needs to be a way for Congress or someone else to put a halt to this, because it has reached a point of absurdity. Everyone with even a modicum of sensibility and intelligence (and not related to or appointed by W.) is standing up to oppose his plan, yet this lothario refuses to budge. There has to be some way to impeach this chump…….

- Now here’s how you protest: in Bolivia, more than 20,000 miners marched into the city of La Paz on Tuesday and lobbed sticks of dynamite in the streets in protest of President Evo Morales’ plan for a steep hike in mining taxes. The whole concept of protesting has been largely lost in America since the 70s, when hippies (a group that’s just gotten a bad rap) and other peace-loving individuals came out en masse to oppose the W. of the 1970s, Richard Nixon, and his whole war in Vietnam saga. But when you start tossing around explosives and blowing things up, I can get with that. When all you have is signs, placards and chants, you are a lot easier to ignore than when you light the fuse on some explosives and hurl them around on city streets. Using dynamite would also be an effective negotiating technique for the miners; a few well-placed sticks of TNT under Morales’ car (when no one is in it, of course), maybe a few on the lawn of the presidential residence and in select other locations could really expedite the negotiation process.

- In the wake of the Colts’ Super Bowl win Sunday, the one guy in all of football who has to be the most absolutely sick to his stomach is Arizona Cardinals running back Edgerrin James. Bill Belichick, Tom Brady and the rest of the Patriots might have blown an 18-point lead in the AFC title game to the Colts and hate them bitterly, but James is the guy who busted out of Indy after last season, signed a $60 million contract with the hapless Cardinals and suffered through a 5-11 season before having to watch his former team rip off four straight playoff wins en route to a world championship. How’s that taste, Edge? You jumped ship for a huge contract, now you’re stuck on an awful team while the team you just left replaced you with a rookie running back and the guy who backed you up and actually got better. Now they have the Super Bowl rings on their fingers and you’re left to see how many luxurious homes, plasma screens, iPods and tricked out cars you can buy while playing on one of the NFL’s worst franchises. Worst of all, I can't remember hearing even once during the playoffs that the Colts missed you or were at a loss because you were no longer with them. Hope all that money makes it worth your while, Edge.

- Akron, Ohio is a mostly nondescript place on the national scene. Some people know that Goodyear, the mammoth tire maker, is headquartered here and baseball fans might know the city as the home of one of the finest minor league stadiums in baseball, Canal Park. Oh, and there’s the whole thing about being the hometown of LeBron James. But network television seems to have developed a peculiar fascination with the city in recent months. First, part of an epsidoe of the hit series Prison Break was set at St. Thomas Hospital in Akron (a fictional version of it, anyhow, but the city was still referenced and used as a setting on the show) and now a bizarre new pilot for a show about a drug addicted model who leaves Manhattan to come back to Akron, her hometown, to live with her dysfunctional family and to do community service. The bizarre part is that she becomes a celebrity when it’s reported that a vision of the Virgin Mary blessed her after a car crash on the girl’s way back to Akron. That sounds….umm, weird and destined for cancellation after six episodes. But still nice to have the ‘ol hometown become a favorite of the television world. Ever since that whole Cuyahoga River burning thingy in the 1980s, Northeast Ohio has needed all the positive attention it can get.

- I’m going to go ahead and pass on the upcoming self-help book to be written by Jim Carrey. The book will focus on how to be “OK” with life’s annoyances and thus achieve some sort of inner peace. And honestly, who can relate better to the common stresses in the life of the average person better than a multimillionaire Hollywood star who makes eight figures for every movie he does? I’m sure Jim will have some fascinating insights into how to improve the lives of farmers in South Dakota, cab drivers in New York, construction workers in Atlanta and oil rig workers in the Gulf Coast region. Stick to making mediocre movies with sophomoric humor, Jim, and leave the self-help book writing to people with actual qualifications to dish out life advice.

Why Survivor drives people to use cocaine and why do boxers throw hatchets?

- Reality television, besides being a misnomer because the shows in this genre do everything but depict reality, is apparently enough to drive people into a drug habit. The on-site doctor for Survivor (the show that basically kicked off the who genre), Adrian Cohen, recently admitted to an Australian medical tribunal that he used cocaine to combat stress on the job and he’s also accused of inappropriately obtaining prescription drugs and allegedly distributing them on Survivor and other shows. Execs for the show are keeping mum until this all sorts itself out, but the prospect of a junkie doctor with a coke habit and access to dangerous prescription drugs on location in a remote place with malnourished, mentally-frayed reality show contestants is a recipe for disaster. Don’t tell me that none of these competitors has never gotten any drugs illegally from the good doctor, either. You’re telling me none of these losers has ever tried to barter for some Vicodin or sleeping pills to help them keep going? I know being on or working on a reality show could drive someone to heavy drug usage, but I’m guessing that in the future, Survivor will be using a new doctor to apply bandages and give treatment to contestants who are burned, injured or become violently ill eating the disgusting bugs and other garbage and trying to insane stunts they are talked into doing.

- Memo to all future and potential future opponents of boxer O’Neill Bell: don’t mess with this dude, because he’s insane. Now boxers are known for being nutty and mentally unstable; Mike Tyson has bitten an opponent’s ear partially off, bitten another opponent’s leg, threatened to eat the non-existent children of opponents…you get the picture. Evander Holyfield continues fighting even though he’s lost 95 percent of his brain cells and his ability to form a coherent sentence before of boxing. But this is the first time I’ve ever heard of a boxer throwing a hatchet at his training partner. Bell, the world cruiserweight champion, was arrested yesterday after police say he threw a hatchet at his sparring partner during a training run. Assault with a deadly weapon is the charge facing Bell, who also reportedly threw large rocks at sparring partner, 37-year-old Larry Slaton, following an argument during a training run at the boxer’s camp outside of Big Bear, Ca. Cops responding to a phone tip found Slaton running for his life through the woods, with cuts all over him and a panicked look in his eyes. Yeah, having a hatchet heaved at you will scare most people. But O’Neill, buddy, you really can't be throwing hatchets at people. In this case, the hatchet was for protection against bears, and generally their acceptable uses begin and end with chopping wood and similar materials. Throwing them at human beings is not an acceptable use for a hatchet or ax, nor is it an acceptable method for settling a dispute. Here’s a crazy idea: you’re both boxers, so next time you disagree, put the gloves on, get into the ring and settle it there.

- I’m even more disturbed now that I know the awards show that Justin Timberlake will be performing at is the Grammys. For a show that esteems itself as the most prestigious and important in the music industry, putting an act like this on stage is an absolute joke. Learn this lesson, Grammys: just because it’s popular music (especially with teenage girls) doesn’t make it good music. I don’t care how many 14-year-old girls named Ashley (or some spelling variation thereof, God knows there are 50 ways to spell it) just scream their heads off for JT and force their parents to buy his album for them, his music is C-R-A-P. This isn't the Billboard awards, where you pass out honors because of the sheer number of a records and artist sells; this is the freakin’ Grammys, where you’re supposed to recognize quality music. But I’m sure JT is hard at work deciding which Michael Jackson gimmick to rip off for this performance, so there’s something to look forward to.

- Not only is Brett Favre returning to play for the Green Bay Packers in 2007, he wants the team to bring in a certain enigmatic, aloof, crass and malcontented wide receiver via trade. Randy Moss, the extremely talented but lackluster, often indifferent wide receiver who is currently under contract with the Oakland Raiders, is widely believed to be on the trading block this off-season. Moss has, in recent years, walked off the field while time still remained on the clock in a game where his team was trailing, admitted in a televised interview that he still regularly smokes weed and copped to taking plays off and only trying hard some of the time. He’s bitterly unhappy in Oakland, where he has not achieved anything close to the level of success he had early in his career with Minnesota. Moss verbally berated new coach Lane Kiffin when Kiffin called his star receiver up on the phone to try and establish a rapport. He dropped so many balls this season that you had to wonder if he was simply not trying, or if he was trying to perfect a new technique of catching balls with both eyes closed and his hands slathered up with pig grease. Bringing in Moss is a bad idea for the Packers, even if you argue that a legendary player and leader like Favre could help keep him in line. This guy is a professional team killer, a bitter-man extraordinaire who won't hesitate to throw even a legend like Favre under the bus when he becomes unhappy. The Packers aren't close enough to winning a Super Bowl for Moss to put them over the top, and they won't be for at least a couple more years. By that time, Favre will be gone (I think) and Moss will be an over-the-hill, surly, discontented a-hole that the Packers will still have to be paying crazy jack to. Don’t listen to Favre, Packer management, stay away from R. Moss and you’ll be better off.

- So rare is the occasion when an actually good song or album reaches the top of the Billboard charts, I feel compelled to mention it. The Shins’ Wincing the Night Away has managed to climb to the #2 spot on the album charts for this past week, and while I’m sure it’s no match musically for genius song stylings like those of Akon and Justin Timberlake, I’m going to go out on a limb and say it’s about the only album in the Top 10 with any substantial listening value. Next week, the latest offering from whichever of the talentless Black Eyed Peas has produced a solo album will probably usurp The Shins’ spot on the charts, but for a week it’s very, very good to enjoy quality music actually being popular.

Bad news for roid-heads, the environment and those who love Wookies

- Steroids testing has been a major point of discussion in the NFL ever since Shawne Merriman got a four-game ban for testing positive for ‘roids this past season. When the year ended, his peers and all the critics began weighing in on whether he should be selected for or even eligible for postseason awards and activities. In the end, Merriman was selected to the All-Pro team and Pro Bowl, but lost out in the Defensive Player of the Year race to Jason Taylor. Taylor was one of Merriman’s vocal critics, and now it appears that Taylor and everyone else who shares his point of view will have some validation. The NFL and the players’ union have agreed to a rule that any player who tests positive for ‘roids will not be eligible for the Pro Bowl that season. The player would also lose any potential contract bonuses that he could receive as a reward for Pro Bowl selection. Hitting these guys in the wallet is the key to this deal, because let’s be honest: no one cares about the Pro Bowl. Half the players originally picked for the game opt out with a variety of lame, contrived excuses anyhow. They might want the respect of being picked, and that might bother a small, small minority, but what will really piss them off is missing out on that $250,000 bonus they would have gotten by making the Pro Bowl.

- Freak-eration lives here. Here in this case would be L.A., where a tour guide was recently assaulted by Chewbacca on Hollywood Boulevard. Well, to be fair, not the real Chewbacca, because I believe it’s in the Wookie Code to do no harm to foreign visitors. But Frederick Evan Young, 44, a loser who dresses in a Chewbacca costume and wanders Hollywood Boulevard pestering tourists to pose for pictures with him, attacked a tour guide who had the audacity to tell the Wookie to stop touching two Japanese tourists. Brian Sapir, the tour guide, was showing these two visitors around when the 6-foot-5 menace in the giant furry suit approached and began touching the tourists. Sapir told him to stop, at which point an incensed Young/Chewbacca head-butted Sapier. Cops took the Wookie into custody and off to jail, and they had a good idea what happened thanks in part to the eyewitness testimony of Superman. No, seriously, Superman was there too. Well, another freak dressed as the Man of Steel was there. The best part of this all is Young’s reply when Sapier confronted him: “Nobody tells this Wookie what to do.” Amen to that. Nobody bosses around a Wookie, although I’m a little confused. How was Sapir able to understand Chewbacca, because last time I saw a Star Wars movie, all that furry beast did was belt out guttural yelps that were totally indistinguishable. Have Wookies now learned to speak English? If so, those cats might be darn near unstoppable.

- Making unequivocal statements about any subject is difficult. You can’t be totally definitive about much of anything, because our society is one with tons of gray areas and subjective tendencies. But I can say, without a doubt, that if you a) wrote a blog about the Super Bowl ads, b) recorded them to re-watch the ads later on, c) participated in a conversation long then 15 seconds about any of the commercials after the game ended, or d) were a part of any morning show that offered an analytical breakdown of the ads, then you are a loser. Period. No questions asked. They’re freaking ads, people. Most of them are abysmal failures because they don’t do what they’re designed to do, namely create business and revenue for the advertiser. The ratio of money spent to buy and produce the ad to the amount of money generated by it is absurdly high, simply because Super Bowl ads are so frakkin’ expensive. You’re watching the biggest football game of the year, and your main concern is a 30-second commercial? We have these great inventions, called TV shows, they run half an hour or sometimes a full hour, and they actually are designed to entertain you. Try watching one of them. If your excuse is that you’re not a football fan and that the commercials are the only thing you watch the game for, then you have no business watching anyhow. Find something else to do, go work out, go to the mall, whatever. Commercials are nothing more than an unwanted, unwelcome, all-too-frequent interruption to the action on the field, end of story.

- Athletes aren't the only ones with a propensity for getting themselves into bad situations when out at clubs late at night. The average person can put themselves in harm’s way too, as evidenced by the deadly brawl between two nightclub patrons in NYC that resulted in one man falling down an open elevator shaft to his demise. Orlando Valle and Granville Adams got into a fight at BED New York, a club that provides beds for lounging patrons. Adams pushed Valle up against the elevator doors, which then came open. Valle fell six stories to his death, and Adams will now be charged with criminally negligent homicide. Add night clubs after 1 a.m. to the list of places you want to avoid, right alongside cruise ships and the mall on the day after Christmas. Not saying you can't have a good time and go out, but there are way too many people being shot or pushed down elevator shafts at clubs in the early morning hours to make it worth my while. Perhaps in the future, going only to clubs and bars with a single floor in the building would be helpful.

- Seems like just a couple days ago I was lamenting how researchers find a way to waste millions of research dollars delving into the obvious and telling us things we all already know. Well, another group of geniuses has succeeded in this pursuit. University of New Hampshire researchers have discovered that (gasp) an increasing number of children have been exposed to Internet porn! Stunning, right? I mean, it’s so hard to figure out where porn is on the ‘Net, after all. You have to be a Mensa member to figure out how to get to it. And kids never look at things they’re not supposed to see, right? The point is best summed up by Emily Duhovny, 17, who said, “It’s so common now, who hasn’t seen something like that?” Yeah, pretty much. But no one told those funding the UNH research, because they forked over a lot of money to finance this study. The biggest stunner of the study, though: most kids exposed to porn were reported to be between the ages of 13 and 17. So horny teenagers are the ones most likely to have seen porn? Wow, you’re blowing my mind here, researchers. What’s next, you’re going to tell me that a lot of kids under the age of 21 have drank beer and smoked cigarettes? Have they also watched a lot of TV? I look forward to your report that convicted felons are more likely to have committed a serious crime than the rest of people in society.

- Well, an E. coli scare will do that…….sales of leafy green vegetables are down in recent months following a September recall of spinach in the wake of a three-death, 200-illness-causing saga involving Popeye’s favorite snack. People are funny that way. When they get the impression that eating or ingesting a certain substance could make them seriously ill and perhaps kill them, they tend to avoid that substance. Well, except for smokers, who gleefully choke down their cancer sticks knowing full well that doing so dramatically skyrockets their chances of contracting lung cancer. Leafy vegetables will bounce back, though, they’ve been around for a few thousand years and they’re usually very resilient.

- Need evidence that LeBron James and the Cleveland Cavaliers are on their way to a disappointing failure of a season? Well, other than their consistently lackluster play and mediocre record, here’s some more firepower. When ex-man band star and weasel voiced hack Justin Timberlake came to Cleveland for a concert over the weekend, who else was in attendance but James? Yeah, someone who actively supports one of the most auditorily offensive musical acts of our time is going to lead his team to an NBA title? I don’t think so. Everyone has different music tastes and odds are the team that wins this year’s title will have a lot of guys who are fans of hip hop and rap, but JT is neither of those things. He’s a helium ingesting, Michael Jackson wannabe who produces some offensively over-styled, over-polished pop crap and mixes in a few unwatchable videos. I’m ashamed just thinking that the guy most people associate with my area, Northeast Ohio, is a fan of a musician who once danced in unison with four other dudes, frosted his hair and wore brightly colored, coordinated outfits with Lance Bass and Joey Fatone.

More JT bashing, more cruise ship trouble and some traveling convicts

- Bashing Justin Timberlake on back-to-back days might seem excessive, but when I get the chance to do it, it’s like a meal at the Cheesecake Factory, you have to take the opportunity, even if it’s the third or tenth day in a row. This is more about Macy Gray anyhow, with a choice shot at JT mixed in. I was horrified/exhilarated/floored to learn that on her upcoming album, Gray (who has a voice almost as bad, if not worse than JT), is actually going to do a track that features Timberlake! Maybe I should differentiate between male and female, with Gray as the most annoying, ear-hurting vocalist for the women, JT for the men. If you want to play nice, you can label Gray’s voice as “unique” and “distinctive”, but I’m going to stick with gawd-awful. I don’t need to read the lyrics or hear the notes and chords for her song with JT to know it’s going to be uber-terrible. Same is probably true for her collaboration with will.i.am of the Black Eyed Peas, whose talentless void of a musical existence is the group version of the auditory offenses perpetrated by Timberlake and Gray in the solo realm. Just like you could predict that a tandem of U2 and Green Day would produce a good sound in singing “When the Saints Go Marching In”, prognosticating a train wreck when Gray and JT sing on the same song is a certainty on the level of death, taxes and the suckage a Pauly Shore movie will possess.

- For most sports fans, there are a few universals that you can revel in, namely teams whose failure and defeat are cause for celebration no matter what the circumstances. The New York Yankees are the prime example, with their grotesque abundance of wealth and propensity to buy high-priced players left and right in an attempt to purchase a championship. In football, the New England Patriots have become a universally loathed entity thanks to their ass of a coach, the overall arrogance from the team and its fans and the fact that analysts galore can't refrain from constantly yammering on about the team “doing it the right way” to the point that you want to vomit. College sports have their own “Love to Hate” teams, Notre Dame for football, and the topic for today’s entry, the men’s basketball team at Duke. Coach Kryzewski and his merry band of rich, wicked smart high school All-American yuppies are the squad we all love to despise. With snobbish, rich-kid fans and a self-entitled attitude permeating every inch of the basketball program, anyone who isn't a Duke fan or alumnus is giddy with joy when the Dukies get beat. Well, this week was a ridiculous feast of schadenfreude (reveling in the misery of others), with Duke losing not once but twice. First, a loss on the road to Virginia came when Duke missed a last-second shot and fell in demoralizing fashion. Then, today, Florida State came to Duke, to fabled Cameron Indoor Stadium, and beat Duke, who again missed a last-second shot and fell further down the ACC standings. The looks of bewilderment, disappointment and dejection on the faces of Coach K and his boys were the highlight of my sports week, and since this year’s team looks pretty mediocre, I look forward to more similar occurrences in the weeks ahead.

- The highways around the state of California will likely be filled with an alarming number of convicted felons in the days ahead. Yes, I know there are always plenty of cons and ex-cons on the highways in California, especially in the L.A. area, but this time it will be because the state is planning to transfer more than 5,000 inmates out of the state to ease overcrowding problems in its prisons. I’m not sure if this is alarming or relieving; either California has become exceptionally good at catching and prosecuting criminals, or the state has a disturbingly high quotient of criminals in its population. Currently, 174,000 inmates reside in prisons designed to hold only 100,000, and even a vapid, Botox-and-collagen-enhanced, implant-having Malibu bimbo trophy wife can do that math.

- Continuing the theme of America’s judicial system run amok, a Cambridge, Minn. farmer who chased down a thief and held him at gunpoint until the police arrived could actually face more serious charges than the thief he detained. Kenneth Englund, 74, has been charged with second degree assault, a felony, while the thief was charged only with misdemeanor theft for stealing $5 of gasoline from Englund’s neighbor. The lesson to be learned, of course, is that it’s OK to be a good Samaritan and help your neighbor, so long as your good deed does not end with you pointing a gun at someone. Something tells me Englund will be able to strike a deal on this one, but it’s things like this that reinforce the notion that people don’t want to get involved in helping others, lest they incur unnecessary grief in the form of a felon charge.

- Cruise ships are already a breeding ground for illnesses of varying types and severities, and now they’ve moved on to causing serious environmental damage. A Norwegian cruise ship ran aground on a remote Antarctic island and leaked between 130 and 200 gallons of diesel fuel into an already fragile environmental system. The ship ran aground at a place called Deception Island (insert your joke of choice here), which is part of the South Shetland Islands. The ship was able to maneuver itself off of the rocks it ran into, but not before depositing its nice, environmentally damaging present of diesel fuel into the ecosystem. The cruise ship industry is rapidly deteriorating into a disease-causing, environment-damaging albatross whose only redeeming value is all-night buffets.

- A quick note on the Super Bowl: it was great to watch a Super Bowl where you don’t actively hate the winner and aren't spending the entire game vehemently rooting against them (i.e. the New England Patriots). And yes, I did write this simply for the chance to take another shot at the Pats, whom I openly despise. Congratulations to the Indianapolis Colts, 2007 NFL champions.

Running Super Bowl diary, second half

Here we go, the second half and the Super Bowl running diary continues....

8:26 - And we’re off. Amazingly, return man Terrence Wilkins of the Colts hangs on to the ball. We start this half without a fumble, maybe this bodes well for the next two quarters in terms of ball security….

8:29 - Does the Elias Sports Bureau keep stats for most check down passes to a running back in Super Bowl history? If so, Manning should be approaching this record by the midpoint of the third quarter.

8:39 - Time to once again question the testicular fortitude of Tony Dungy. Fourth and 2 from the Bears’ 8-yard line, up 16-14 and Dungy goes for the field goal. Honestly, the safe, logic play is to go for the three points, but at this point, a five-point lead isn't that much better than a two-point lead. Go for the first down, if you don’t get it, you have the Bears deep in their territory. Punch it in and you have a nine-point lead. For the second time I’ll say it, if the Colts lose, go back to decisions like this to find out why. Field goal was good, for whatever it’s worth, Colts 19, Bears 14.

8:43 - It may be the Super Bowl, but we’re not immune from the commercial, come back for the kickoff, then back to commercial after ten seconds of action sequence. Even on football’s biggest stage, this asinine setup is a staple of the game. P.S. At this point, the Colts have run 58 plays, the Bears 19. Worth noting…..

8:47 - It took nearly three quarters, but the Real Rex Grossman has showed up. Good ‘ol Rex has been sacked on two straight plays, tripping and falling the first time, then botching a snap and losing 11 yards on the second sack. Feels like the momentum train has left the station for the Bears, it’s rolling downhill, picking up steam, it’s painted blue and white and it’s about to run Chicago over, splat.

8:52 - Phil Simms informs us the Bears have shifted to a defense specifically suited to stop the run…..then Rhodes rips off a 36-yard run deep into Bears territory. An eight-yard run follows, plus a major facemask penalty. Remember that momentum train?…………….

8:54 - Another field goal…….it really is bizarre how Indy has suddenly morphed into a team that cannot find the end zone in the playoffs. But wait, a penalty on the Bears, running into the kicker…..and Indy wusses out, declines the penalty (which would have moved the ball half the distance to the goal, the 1-yard line, still fourth down) and takes the field goal. Another pansy decision, point #3 you will be able to identify as a reason the Colts lost if they choke this one away. No juevos, my friend, no juevos.

9:03 - Grossman scrambles, scrambles…..and throws an idiotic, ill-advised pass late, Jason David of the Colts nearly picks it off but Bears TE Desmond Clark knocks the ball away and saves the Bears. Thankfully, that brings up fourth down, meaning Grossman’s chances to inflict damage on his own team are over for now. A Robbie Gould field goal draws the bears to within five, 22-17. The Colts are gonna need a touchdown if they’re going to win this game, I don’t care if they’re ahead or not.

9:07 - Tank Johnson shoots through the line to make a tackle….c’mon, you appreciate the joke, you know it. A man cannot be arrested for having six unlicensed guns in his house, needs special judge’s permission to travel to the Super Bowl and escape all jokes about his criminal tendencies…..

9:16 - Just checked the weather at the game……97% humidity. And yes, it is the humidity that kills you, trust me. Running a marathon in that kind of humidity was the least fun I’ve ever had in a marathon, and I can say with certainty that it takes so much out of your body, it affects you more than wind, rain and pain combined. So when the announcers lament how tired the players look, there’s good reason.

9:18 - It’s taken him til the fourth quarter, but Jim Nantz finally noticed it. The Colts have outgained the Bears by a 3 to 1 margin in total yards, have run three times as many plays, yet it’s a five-point game and the Bears have a chance to win! That timely, insightful analysis, that’s what they pay you the big bucks for Jimmy. The rest of us noticed that at halftime, but thanks anyhow.

9:21 - Jim hits the obvious again, he’s heating up. He’s finally mentioned the “Moose” chant, with seemingly half the crowd in on the cheer and no possible way to ignore it. Jim Nantz, pointing out what even a deaf, dumb, blind mute man could see and hear.

9:22 - Game over. All of that posturing and vehement defending of Rex Grossman the Bears did the past two weeks, umm, looks like they were wrong. Sexy Rexy floated a horrible pass down the right sideline, intended for Muhammad, and it’s picked off by Kelvin Hayden, who returns the pick for a touchdown. The Bears have been sheltering Grossman all game long, but it’s playmaking time and he’s just been exposed. This touchdown makes it 29-17 Colts, meaning the Bears need two touchdowns to win, and there’s no way that’s happening. Go ahead and start etching Indy’s name on the Lombardi Trophy.

9:26 - The previous play has been challenged by the Bears, who claim Hayden stepped out of bounds. No dice, as this desperate grasp at straws to stay in this game fails. It’s O-V-E-R.

9:30 - Food for thought as the Bears try to mount a comeback drive. They have seven points on a kick return, a field goal when they started near the Indy 40 after a long kick return and penalty….and that’s 10 of their 17 points. Other than that, they’ve done diddly poo on offense, to quote Jim Mora Sr. But they can come back, sure they can……

9:31 - KABOOM! Another Rex Grossman stink bomb goes off. A deep pass to Bernard Berrian floats, flutters and drifts in the rain and wind, and safety Bob Sanders, proving he’s more than a run stopper, comes over and picks off the underthrown ball. The return takes it to the Chicago 40-yard-line, and the Bears’ ship is taking on water faster than the rain-soaked field at this point. I’m almost giddy at the thought of the Bears being forced to answer all of the thinly veiled questions about how much Rex sucks after the game. Last week’s Wilcots-Belichick postgame interview could seem genial by comparison.

9:38 - Now this I agree with. Up by 12, the Colts run a draw on fourth and 18 from the Chicago 37, keeping the clock running. Manning is pissed; he wants to go for it. For once, I agree with Dungy going safe, the clock is nearing the eight-minute mark, and you’ve got Rex Grossman on the other sideline, Peyton, take it easy.

9:39 - The Paganelli brothers, we learn, are the first brothers ever to work the Super Bowl together. I tell you what, when I think of famous brother officiating teams, I think of………never mind. Let’s just hope these two don’t get into one of those stupid, big-fight-over-nothing brawls that all brothers get into. “I threw the penalty flag first!”. “No, I threw it first, you moron!” This might actually be fun, so here’s hoping.

9:42 - Rex Grossman + hurry-up offense. Oh, there’s no way this isn't ending badly.

9:44 - It does, the Bears turn the ball over on downs. Bring on Kyle Orton.

9:50 - You, the fan, can vote for the Super Bowl MVP…..well, you could if the %^^&#$#$@ server wasn’t so jammed up. I’ve tried twice and failed both times in submitting my vote, too many people trying to vote all at once. For what it’s worth, my vote is actually Kelvin Hayden. His pick turned this game totally, it was the death knell to the Bears at a time when a Bears’ touchdown would have given them the lead, all of the momentum and a world of confidence. Instead, it clinched the game for the Colts. That’s what an MVP does, if you ask me.

9:57 - Peyton Manning, Super Bowl champion. It just feels weird, no doubt about it. But in less than two minutes, it’s reality.

9:59 - Nice to see two coaches in a postgame embrace that don’t openly despise each other (that one’s for you, Bill Belichick). Also, very cool of the Colts to bring literally every employee from the team, right down to the janitors, to the game. On the flip side, now would be an optimum time to break into the team facility and headquarters, what with no one being there and all.

10:01 - Can't help but be happy for Tony Dungy, that smile on his face is worth a million bucks. Again, nice to have a coach who can win and NOT be a gigantic ass (see Belichick). Peyton Manning, Super Bowl champion….still feels weird.

10:02 - Final bit of game analysis: early on, the turnover swap went back and forth several times. Ultimately, the Colts were able to stop the bleeding and hold onto the ball. The Bears couldn’t, and two Grossman interceptions sealed their demise. Still, a sloppy Super Bowl, not ranking especially high on the aesthetic scale. Ultimately, though, a champion I don’t actively hate (i.e. the Patriots or Steelers) trumps all of that.

10:10 -The rain keeps falling, the Lombardi Trophy is being presented, and that’s that. I’m out, some 3,800 words, four hours and twenty minutes after this all started. And no, Shannon Sharpe still hasn’t been able to get that gravel out of his mouth. Maybe next year……..

Running Super Bowl diary, first half

Here we go, Super Bowl XLI, a running diary through the eyes of one hearty football fan.....

5:41 - Shannon Sharpe is still loud, obnoxious and has a hard time speaking English. Boomer Esiason declares that this will be a “Peyton Manning Super Bowl” and proclaims that this is the day Manning will rise triumphantly to the top of the NFL mountain. He picks the Colts, as does Dan Marino (like Dan knows anything about winning Super Bowls). Shannon Sharpe makes his prediction and still has not yet removed that gravel from his mouth. He picks the Colts, too.

5:44 - The genius running the PA system at Dolphins Stadium has put Vertical Horizon’s You’re a God on, clearly forgetting this is 2007, not 2001. Also, nothing like some melodic, thoughtful trendy rock to pump up the crowd before the ultimate game in a rugged, tough sport like football. Way to go, guys, can’t anyone find some “Crazy Train” or “Hell’s Bells” and put it on a loop?

5:47 - Gloria Estefan is still around? Seriously? Will Crockett and Tubbs also be making an appearance in an homage to the 80s? And what the hell is Cirque de Soleil doing at a football game? Acrobats in fruity costumes tumbling and dancing around? Can we get Gallagher and his watermelon-smashing antics here too? Maybe mix in a few mimes and we’ll be set. This evening is off to an auspicious start.

5:54 - Cirque de Soleil is fruitier than I expected. Dudes and chicks should not have leopard-style paint on their faces, be wearing spandex pants and have football jerseys on. Ever. Period. Let’s just end this whole pregame debacle, shall we? You guys are beginning to make me look forward to Prince performing at halftime. Yes, it’s really that bad.

6:03 - For future reference: a video montage filled with anonymous people who proclaim themselves to be relatives of, former teachers of, friends of, lawn mower of, one of the players in this game, not such a good idea. Why do I give a rat’s tuccus who these people are? They declare that Player X is playing for them too, not just for themselves, so what? How do I know who you are who you claim to be? Maybe CBS found some desperate actor to play the part for the sake of this video. I don’t know and I don’t care. Go away.

6:05 - Jim Nantz is announcing. Goody. At least I can take solace in knowing that his blowhard, self-righteous SOB of a partner, Billy Packer, isn't here. Thankfully, Billy’s bitter, surly personality is limited to ruining college basketball.

6:12 - Why I LOVE sideline reporters and their interviews; can you believe it, when Steve Tasker asked Tony Dungy his feelings at the moment, as opposed to what they were when he was a player in this game, the Colts coach says they are different! Amazing, so putting on the pads and going out to hit someone in the mouth is different than standing on the sidelines, watching other people do so? Amazing. Also, Solomon Wilcots is here, and the look on his face conveys one thing: “I am thankful, above all else, that I’m not being forced to interview Bill Belichick after his team was eliminated from the playoffs. Even being attacked by an alligator would be preferable at this point.”

6:19 - The Piano Man, Billy Joel, in for the national anthem. Good choice, and having the song played on piano as well as sung was neat. Also glad that Billy was able to stop driving cars into houses long enough to perform. Sorry, cheap shot….

6:20 - THE COIN TOSS IS COMING!! THE COIN TOSS IS COMING!! I’M SO THANKFUL JIM NANTZ ALERTED ME TO THIS AND DID SO IN SUCH AN OVERLY ENTHUSIASTIC VOICE! OTHERWISE, I MIGHT HAVE GONE FOR A SNACK RUN TO THE KITCHEN AND MISSED IT!

6:24 - The Bears have chosen their long snapper as one of their captains. Excellent choice guys, people always rally behind the long snapper. Also, Dan Marino as an honorary game captain? The players look like they’d rather shove their heads into a meat grinder than make contact with Dan, lest his legacy of Super Bowl flopping somehow rub off on them.

6:25 - When they do those video headshots of players to use for on-screen graphics, isn't it creepy when the graphic stays on screen for too long and the players are staring blankly at you, just a decapitated head with an awkward expression. Very creepy, this might be something we want to stop doing.

6:26 - Opening kickoff……wow, I predicted Devin Hester vs. the Colts special teams would be a key, but this is absurd. Opening kickoff, back all the way for a touchdown. Not even touched on the return, and the Colts are stunned. So are millions of gamblers worldwide who just won or lost bets on who would score first and how. Rex Grossman, you’re off the hook…for now. We’re in store for squib kicks from the Colts for here on out, no way they’re kicking to Hester again.

6:32 - Our first penalty flag of the evening. And if you don’t think some degenerate gamblers who placed wagers on when that happened…well, you’re just in denial. False start on the Colts’ Tarik Glenn, by the way.

6:35 - Manning is intercepted and his postseason struggles continue. But honestly, it was a long pass and the net yardage exchanged on the play made it more like a punt anyhow. Big picture, though, is that a turnover isn't nearly as disturbing when you realize Rex Grossman is now on the field and leading the opposing offense. Kinda takes the edge off and makes you breathe a little easier, doesn’t it?

6:45 - Dallas Clark catch, will have to be a major factor for the colts to win, first down here, still feels like colts are being forced to dink and dunk too much, at this rate, will need 25 play drive to score

6:47 - Reggie Wayne WIDE open behind the defense for a 53-yard touchdown. How does a guy get this far open? I know he played in Miami, so maybe he knows some shortcuts and back ways around town, but does he know about some time warp, black hole vortex that allows him to dematerialize, then rematerialize 15 yards behind the defense? That’s about the only excuse for a guy being that far away from you, Bears safeties.

6:51 - Just as I predicted, a squib kick…..and it works out amazingly well when Bears upback and backup tight end Gabe Reid fumbles the ball. The Colts recover and on the heels of a terrible special teams play, the bad snap on extra point, this is huge. Maybe this will shift the momentum back to Indy’s side…..

6:52 - Or not. The Colts fumble right back, with Joseph Addai putting the ball on the ground. Bears LB Brian Urlacher can't hang on, but his teammate Mark Anderson does. So far, this game has a weird, helter skelter feel. If anyone can hold onto the ball, we’re going to see some major scoring and might be in for a 41-38 ballgame.

6:55 - Touchdown bears. Grossman to Muhammad. Amazingly, as fans cheer “Moose” for Mushin Muhammad (first name pronounced like Moose obviously), Jim Nantz, the master of the obvious, somehow refrains from explaining, “The fans aren't booing here, they’re chanting ‘Moose’ for Mushin Muhammad.” Nice restraint Jimbo, let’s see if we can keep it up.

6:57 - when are we going to get survivor: Siberia? just wondering.

7:00 - Justin Timberlake performs at the Grammys this week and you can vote for his partner. can I vote that he not perform at all or do so without a mic?

7:01 - The Colts are having serious trouble running the ball. The Bears are flying to the ball and shutting down Addai and Rhodes after one or two yard gains. If this persists, the Colts are in big trouble, because Manning is going to have to pass 50 times in this game and if he passes that often, the Bears will start getting to him and hitting him….hard.

7:05 - The momentum shifts again, another fumble. Bob Sanders is a missile out there, helmet down, he came flying in to pop Cedric Benson and knock the ball loose. Can no one hang onto the ball here? I mean, I’ve seen games in the rain before, not with this many fumbles. Also, the Bears need to stop alternating backs and stick with Thomas Jones. He did rip off a 52-yard run after all, but what do I know?

7:09 - Tony Dungy lacks juevos…..if he had any testicular fortitude at all, he’d go for a fourth and 3 from the Bears 36 following an offsides penalty on a would-be punt. His team needs a shot in the arm right now, but he’s going to stick with the punt. If the Colts lose, look back at decision making like this to figure out why.

7:12 - Cedric Benson = poor man’s Coolio.

7:13 - On a third and long from their own 9, the Bears run a draw. Yeah, and they have total confidence in Rex Grossman. Sure.

7:15 - Worst shameless promotion ever: David Spade, Patrick Warburton and Oliver Hudson in front row of the stands after a promo is read for their soon to be cancelled show that is set to premiere on CBS in a couple weeks. And they look uber-happy to be sitting in the rain and being used as promotional items. Or maybe the other two are just pissed that they have to spend their weekend with David Spade.

7:18 - A new record has been set with four turnovers in first quarter - and Rex Grossman was not involved in any of them. You could have gotten 5,000 to 1 odds if you’d wagered on that in Vegas.

7:26 - The strategy and mind games continue. In anticipation of squib kick, bears move Hester up to 30-yard line. Thus, the Colts kick deep and outsmart them. I have a feeling this cat-and-mouse game is far from over.

7:31 - I know this is a secret to his longevity, not taking big hits, but what a wuss M. Harrison is. Dude runs out of bounds when defenders are five yards off just to avoid contact. I know you’re not 6’3, 235 lbs., Marv, but take someone on, earn a few extra yards for your team. It is the Super Bowl and all, you might want to go all out for this one.

7:34 - I stand corrected. The Colts are having some success running, picking up a key first down and then having RB Dominic Rhodes punch it in for the TD from a yard out. But still, at this point, Indy’s running backs are having more impact catching passes than running the ball.

7:39 - I normally hate commercials, but the one about the GM assembly line robot nightmare about becoming obsolete due to GM’s new longer warranty and then going through downward job spiral (including selling condos) was actually a little sad (I admit it, ok?) and also pretty clever. I’m not going to buy a GM car because of it, but it entertained me, so it served my purposes.

7:42 - We’re told via a sideline report (well, a secondhand account and retelling of a sideline report by Jim Nantz in the booth) that Cedric Benson’s knee injury will keep him out the rest of the game. I guess this makes my point about the Bears not alternating between Benson and Jones moot, although if they’d listened to me, maybe Benson’s injury could have been adverted. See, I’m looking out for everyone’s well being here.

7:50 - Stop me if you’ve heard this before….a fumble has occurred. Bryan Fletcher, third-string tight end for Indy, makes a catch and puts it on the ground the Bears recover. Indy’s drive to score before halftime is thwarted, but……

7:51 - Rex Grossman to the rescue! Five turnovers have happened, and clearly he’s upset about not having one yet. He needs to do his part, so he fumbles a snap to hand the ball right back to Indy. Way to go, Rex, you show ‘em!

7:53 - Manning courts danger, darting from the pocket and lateraling at the last minute to Rhodes. Somehow it’s called a pass, but that was clearly a lateral. Either way, Manning on the run, pitching the ball like an option QB is dangerous, but it works this time.

7:57 - Rex Grossman’s first half stats: 6-8, 32 yards, 1 TD, one fumble lost….and honestly, it doesn’t seem all that bad at this point. Manning is better, 17-26, 193 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT. Like I said, he’s on pace for 50+ passes, not a good thing.

7:58 - First half over, uncharacteristic Vinatieri field goal miss. Still, Colts 16, Bears 14. And Indy gets the ball first in the second half……back in a few.

Four long rants.......

- Now-retired from the NFL, former New England Patriots linebacker Ted Johnson made some disconcerting allegations this week that his old coach, the surly, gruff and brutish Bill Belichick would force him into practice and heavy hitting drills even though Johnson was not medically cleared to play after suffering concussions. It’s not a state secret that athletes play hurt, and the NFL is among the biggest culprits when it comes to pushing guys back into action when they’re hurt. It makes sense on some level; the NFL is a 16-game season, one game per week, whereas the other sports are 82 or 84 games (NBA and NHL) or 162 games (MLB). Missing a game in those sports is less significant, simply based on the drastically higher number that a team plays. But the NFL has to draw a line somewhere, and in a league where the final verdict on a player’s fitness to play is supposed to rest with a team’s medical staff, guys are still out there who shouldn’t be. Guys like Ted Johnson are pushed to play by coaches who tell them, “We need you, you have to get out there, don’t let your team down.” They’re pushed by the prospect of another player filling in and taking away their job while they sit out injured. Additionally, the sheer competitive drive that all competitors possess compels these wounded warriors to go back on the field before they’re truly ready. Then an illustration like Ted Johnson’s story comes along and none of that other stuff matters. Here’s a guy suffering from depression and serious mental and neurological issues, all because he was forced to play before healing from concussions, one of the most serious injuries an athlete can have. It was tremendously troubling to hear NFL commish Roger Goodell say that the league had no idea about Johnson’s story until it was reported this week. The league should know - it needs to know. The long-term well-being of its players should be something the league is knowledgeable about, and any practices by teams that are endangering that well-being need to be addressed. This isn't just a story about Belichick and the horse’s hindquarters that he is (as much as I’d love that), it’s about a bigger issue that the NFL had better get a handle on quickly.

- Update time: I was disturbed when I learned that one of my favorite TV shows, the CW’s Veronica Mars, would be taking a lengthy break beginning in March so that the network could have a time slot for a new reality show about the Pussycat Dolls. The crap these chicks pass off as music is offensive enough, but nudging a personal favorite show off the air for weeks is a new low. Well, now that I know the premise of the show, I have to reconsider my position. No longer do I believe this show is a bad idea and a waste of time. No, now I believe it’s an abominable idea and a gigantic waste of time. The concept is simply to find another member for the group, a concept that was shown to be a terrible premise for a show by the group INXS in the ill-fated Rock Star series. Now I’m pissed on several levels: first, it further illustrates how pathetic an excuse the Dolls are for a group, that they can arbitrarily add in an extra skank for the sake of the publicity generated by a reality show. Really, does it matter how many scantily dress ho’s you have in a group when all you do is wear skanky outfits and create videos where you lip sync and writhe around like strippers? It really can't be too much of a challenge for the studio engineers on your album to work around the lacking vocal talents of another stripper/group member and use a synthesizer and computer-generated beats to beef up tracks that are equivalent in musical quality to something you’d find on the Barney soundtrack (yes, the big purple dinosaur puppet for kids). And yes, this is an extraordinarily long rant, but as someone who likes actual quality music and good TV, I’m pissed at something that is a smack in the face to both of those things.

- There’s just no debating the best part of international soccer: the riots. Americans, by and large, don’t give a rat’s ass about the sport, and it’s not just because the rest of the world insists on calling the game by the wrong name (football, which we all know is the name for American football), nor is it the long haired Euros to mostly play the game. It’s a combination of many factors, but what can overcome all of those factors is rioting, an activity Americans fans love and take great pride in doing when their own team wins a championship in a major sport. Euro soccer riots feature great action, things like fans throwing lit flares onto the field and hitting players, fighting in the stands, fighting in the streets outside the stadium, fans throwing urine bombs, looting, rioting and lighting things on fire. This time, though, the mayhem went too far, and the premier soccer league in Italy has been temporarily shut down following the death of a security officer/policeman in a riot at a game in Sicily. Italian soccer is on hold now and could resume in a week or two, but there’s no way you start things back up until you can be sure no one’s life is in danger.

- Random musical thought: I saw somewhere that Justin Timberlake is up for an album of the year award from a show that I wasn’t inclined to learn the name of. Simply knowing that the weasel-voiced former man bander is nominated for album of the year by this show establishes its credibility and validity at sub-zero. The more music I hear from this album and the more of the videos I see from it, the more I wonder if JT’s entire musical career is some sort of sick joke that I just don’t get. The videos are awful; just mimicking of Michael Jackson’s dancing, cheesy graphics, JT lip-syncing to his ear-assaulting vocals and trying to pull off some sort of tough/cool persona. His songs combine the whiny, whimpering sissy-fication of his N’Sync career with the shameless copying of Jack-O’s image and the aforementioned voice that sounds like someone is strangling a weasel that has ingested a substantial amount of helium. This man hasn’t made a single song that’s good enough to end up anywhere other than my trash can, let alone make an album good enough to be considered for album of the year in any universe, even if the only other options for the award are ABBA, David Hasselhoff and Milli Vanilli. Go away, JT, you suck and so does your music.

Go away, Brett Favre......and more illness on a cruise ship

- I was wrong about Brett Favre when I said he was likely to drag out his “will he, won't he” debate about playing football in 2007. Favre announced today, unsurprisingly I might add, that he will play again in 2007, thereby prolonging a career that’s destined to end the same way great quarterbacks like Joe Namath and Johnny Unitas ended their careers; namely, as a shell of their former selves, hobbling along and becoming a relative joke because they just can't admit that they no longer have “it”. Favre is never going to win another Super Bowl, and he probably won't even make the playoffs again. If he loves playing that much, and if a team wants him, then I suppose he has enough reason to keep going. I just wish he’d hang up the spikes and stop stealing so much of the focus from the rest of the actually relevant, significant stories in the NFL that pertain to players and teams that actually have a chance of factoring into the championship picture in the next few years.

- I reserve some space a couple times a week for the latest installment of my “Illnesses on Cruise Ships” update. I came alarmingly close to this phenomenon during a recent visit to Miami Beach, twice passing down the MacArthur Causeway, right by “Cruise Ship Row.” However, there was still a decent amount of water between these disease carrying vessels and me, so I didn’t feel that much in danger. But this week’s illness on a cruise ship comes to us from Port Everglades, Fla., where more than 100 passengers aboard the Holland America cruise ship Volendam came down with flu-like symptoms. What would actually be noteworthy at this point would be if a cruise ship didn’t have passengers who became ill while on board. I know giant cruise ships got off to a rough start with that whole Titanic thing, but over the course of nearly a century, isn't there some chance that a cruise could begin and end without some sort of major or minor disaster? Just once?

- Scientists are really good about pointing out the obvious and spending millions of dollars researching those blatantly obvious things that everyone already knows. Y’know, like McDonald’s food makes you fat if you eat a lot of it, people that exercise tend to live longer, that type of thing. Now, a group of climate scientists have declared that they are 90 percent certain that 1) global warming is occurring (shocker), 2) it’s a manmade phenomenon (double shocker) and 3) it likely can’t be stopped (I’m floored.). The 20-page reports says that natural causes alone cannot account for the changes in climate and that the polar ice caps are still in grave danger, all things we’ve heard over and over. The question is whether scientists who want to waste money researching topics that have already been researched ad nauseam and beaten right into the ground just outright lie when they write their funding applications, or if they openly admit they’re going to throw away millions doing research that’s already been done over and over. I look forward to future studies informing us that the sky is blue, grass is green, water is wet and Rosie O’Donnell is fat.

- On the theme of beating a dead horse…..yet another person is telling our Idiot in Chief that the proposed troop surge of 21,500 in Iraq is the wrong move. No less than the outgoing commander in Iraq, Gen. Paul Casey, a man who has actually been on the ground in the war zone and knows what is going on there firsthand, told Congress that W.’s plan will send many thousands more troops into Iraq than are actually necessary. Lost in the process was the fact that no additional troops would be needed if the proper plan was implemented (a total U.S. withdrawal). But nobody who talks to Congress seems to express the sentiment that W. is right in wanting to pour 21,500 more men and women from our military into Iraq. Republicans think it’s a bad idea, so do Democrats. Men hate the plan, women hate the plan. People inside the military disagree with the troop surge, people outside the military feel the same way. The tribes living in the bushes in Africa haven't weighed in yet, but if asked, I’m sure they would feel the same way. Had Punxatawney Phil been asked for his opinion on the plan when they yanked the poor guy out of his hole in the ground at Groundhog Day, I am sure that he too would have come down squarely against it. Again, the question to raise: is W. stupid, stubborn, blind or just ignorant? The likely answer: all of the above.

- Few things in sports are more hypocritical than all-star games, namely the selection process for these games and the laughable uproar it inevitably produces. In all of the four major sports (baseball, football, basketball and hockey), the all-star games have become an increasingly irrelevant entity, an albatross that slows down the regular season or is a forgotten afterthought to it in the case of the NFL. Yet despite the fact that the players themselves treat the game with a general attitude of indifference, they and their coaches pretend to be really pissed off when they aren't selected. They whine and complain about being disrespected and overlooked, but yet a massive percentage of the guys who are selected inevitably pull out of the game, citing fatigue, injuries or personal reasons. Being there isn't important to them; being picked is. They don’t want the burden of traveling to, preparing for and playing in the game, with the potential risk of injury in an exhibition game looming overhead. It’s the age-old notion that we see in little kids all the time; they don’t necessarily want something, they just want to be offered it and thus given a show of respect. How absurd and hypocritical is it to b*tch about not getting picked for something when the only reason you want to be picked is so people will recognize how great you are (and of course, you get the contract bonus most players receive for an all-star selection)? The NBA just had its All-Star Game selections, and of course, the “deserving” players left off are throwing a fit, guys like Carmelo Anthony. Maybe, though, ‘Melo, if you hadn't gotten a 15-game suspension for sucker punching another player in a game, you wouldn’t have been left out of the game. Yet another reason why all-star games suck and why most people, even fans of a particular sport, ignore them.

Faka gangstas, the funny pages and an overlooked college hoops team

- So far this year, college basketball has been dominated, at least in terms of headlines and airtime, by the so-termed “Big Four” of North Carolina, UCLA, Florida and Wisconsin. The consensus has been that these four teams have established themselves as the class of the nation, and although parity reigns supreme in college hoops and you can’t say for sure that the national champion will come from this group, they are the teams to beat. One thing I believe everyone has been underestimating, however, is the effect that freshman center Greg Oden is going to have on Ohio State once he actually gets close to full strength. Up til now, the focus with Oden has been first on the fact that he’s a virtual lock to leave school after one year and be the top pick in the 2007 NBA Draft. The 7-foot-1, 260-pound monster could very well do that. The rest of the focus on Oden has been on his missing the first month-plus of the season after wrist surgery. Of course, not nearly enough attention has been paid to the fact that with his thick beard and overall appearance, he’s more likely pushing 50 than still being two years from his twentieth birthday, but that’s another topic for another day. Honestly, he’s already been a dominating, if slightly inconsistent, force in the middle for the Buckeyes, and the healthier he gets, the better his numbers get and the greater his impact on the game becomes. His shot blocking alone could produce a Patrick Ewing-esque effect in the postseason, to the extent that OSU could easily beat any of the Big Four on a given day. Yet OSU has been overlooked, playing in the same conference as Wisconsin. Don’t make the mistake of overlooking these guys come March, though, or you could end up with a face full of Spaulding, just like one of Oden’s opponents trying to shoot over the big fella.

- One place I’m sure to go in the newspaper every day, besides the sports section, is to the funnies. I think a lot of adults probably read the funnies on a daily basis and have their favorites, and these comics are a small but often powerful part of life. Laughing is such an essential component of life and all too often, the funnies are one of the few places to steal a laugh on an otherwise terrible day. One of my favorite comics for a while has been “For Better or Worse”, a comic following the fictional Patterson family through life’s ups, downs and little oddities. It’s sometimes serious, always a little funny and often tackles bigger issues in life, and sadly, later this year cartoonist Lynn Johnston will be seriously scaling back her creation. The series won't go away entirely, but it will largely recycle old material, framed by a few new pieces here and there. No more 7/365 for a comic that’s been a daily staple literally every day for nearly three decades. I’ll miss it and the comics page won't be the same. There’ll be a few less laughs every day, and for that reason it’s a sad day on the funnies page.

- Remember when a tearful Tara Conner stood up and promised she would change, that her wild ways were behind her and she was just oh, so thankful to have a second chance? You remember that, along with Donald Trump triumphantly proclaiming that “Tara will be given a second chance.” Well, I was on board with all of that, and honestly, I did care if it was honest or genuine, I can simply always get on board with a hot chick who likes to go crazy, period. But for the sake of appearances, a girl who has been chastised for drinking, partying, drugging and messing around with other girls probably should not be negotiating to pose in Playboy when she’s attempting to clean up her image. Conner went to rehab recently, and correct me if I’m wrong, but taking your clothes off for a skin mag is not one of the 12 steps in the AA program. Yet Conner (with Trump in tow) negotiated with the magazine before ultimately deciding against posing. Trump says she would not have been totally nude, but that’s like robbing a bank and claiming it’s not so bad because you only took the money and didn’t pistol-whip the teller in the process. Tara Conner needs to make up her mind; either she’s going to go the squeaky clean route and stop all of her questionable behavior altogether, or she’s going to capitalize on the bad girl rep she’s built and ride it as far as it goes. Make up your mind, Tara, you can't keep going back and forth.

- White college kids wanting to pretend that they’re hardcore gangstas isn't a new concept. If you ever take a look at the music selections college athletes make for their warm-up CDs - Ludacris, T.I., Jay-Z, Danity Kane, Kanye West, Mystikal - you realize that even though a lot of these people are white and from very suburban, country-club-style neighborhoods, they still think they can pull off the gangsta vibe. Nothing’s funnier than a white girl from an upper-class suburban neighborhood who went to a private boarding school picking a Ghostface Killa tune as her warm-up song. But having so-called “gangsta parties” where you dress in fake jewel-studded grills and gang attire, drink malt liquor from paper bags and even wear blackface makeup seems like such a stupid, offensive idea that not even a very white, very suburban college kid would try it in a desperate grab for street cred. Yet college administrators nationwide are dealing with the backlash from exactly these kinds of parties, parties drawing the ire of black and white students alike who say such even pander to the worst negative stereotypes about African American culture. Playing the music is one thing; trying to pick up the verbiage and talk is another and not all that awful; dressing up in costume like it’s friggin’ Halloween and a black gangsta is some caricature or costume to have fun with is just idiotic. Even University of Connecticut Law School students aren't smart enough to figure this out, holding a “Bullets and Bubbly” party where they carried fake machine guns and wore baggy jeans. Memo to all who would attend to throw these kinds of parties: you’re white. Admit it, embrace it and learn to live with it. Try not openly mocking and belittling a group of people that comprise a rather large percentage of the student body on your campus. See if that doesn’t work out a little better for all of you……

- Your political career is on very shaky ground when you, as an alleged political revolutionary leader, are politely asked to not take part in a tortilla price protest march. Andres Manuel Lopez Obrador, a leading member of the opposition to Mexican president Felipe Calderon and a man who narrowly lost to Calderon in the last election, offered to lead a protest march this week against soaring tortilla prices in Mexico and was told no thanks. Organizers of the march weren't too excited about having the leading voice of a group that has rapidly shrunk and faded from public view and relevance since losing the disputed election, and maybe Obrador should take this hint and realize that if you aren't important enough to lead a tortilla protest march, you are no longer a person of significance in…well, pretty much anywhere.

- I, like everyone else with even a shred of football knowledge, wasn’t bowled over when the Oakland Raiders signed Lane Kiffin, 31-year-old assistant coach at USC, as their new head coach. Well, apparently Raiders wide receiver Randy Moss isn't really impressed with Kiffin either. When the new coach grabbed the phone and tried to get in touch with his new star wide receiver, he had trouble tracking Moss down. Finally, Kiffin got Moss on the line, but that proved to be a bad thing. Moss is reported to have unleashed an obscenity-laden tirade on Kiffin, basically dressing him down and explaining in colorful, vulgar terminology that he had no interest in speaking with the man who was now his boss. Not a great start, especially for a coach who will be younger than many of the players he will coach. Kiffin needs to get a hold of his team quickly, and to do so, he may have to be a hard line, a-hole even if that’s not his personality. Until he establishes his leadership and builds some credibility, he has no hope of leading an abysmal franchise out of the absolutely decrepit state it’s fallen into.