Manning up to stop nosebleeds, American Airlines gets federally b*tch-slapped and NASA overcomes

- Succeeding as a rookie running back in the NFL is hard enough as it is. Learning a new offense, coalescing with new teammates and earning your way onto the field are all difficult tasks no matter how high you’re picked in the draft. That task becomes much tougher when your freaking nose won't stop bleeding, which is the problem San Diego Chargers rookie running back Ryan Mathews encountered during an exhibition game against the Dallas Cowboys. Mathews, a first-round pick out of Fresno State, has dealt with football-related bloody noses since high school. The problem is exacerbated by an arid climate and by full contact on the football field and needless to say, San Diego qualifies. Mathews had a choice of dealing with bloody noses nearly every Sunday afternoon from September to January or….doing something about the problem. He chose the latter and that resulted in him undergoing a procedure that sounds incredibly painful and was probably even more painful than it sounds. He had his nose cauterized in an uncomfortable procedure that should eliminate the nosebleeds entirely. "It feels like I have a cold right now because I'm so stuffed up," Mathews said. "It wasn't fun, but hopefully it works." That’s right, dude had the inside of his nose cauterized. Mathews is clearly more of a man than most of us, not only for undergoing this brutal procedure but for missing just one practice to recover and getting back on his feet in time to throw out the ceremonial first pitch before the San Diego Padres' game against the Arizona Diamondbacks Tuesday night. After that, it was back to the practice field on Wednesday afternoon and onward to play on Friday night in an exhibition game at New Orleans. Now, if he takes another hard hit near the goal line and his helmet gets driven back into his nose, Mathews won’t have to worry about anything other than the pain of the hit. "I've been getting them on and off for a while," Mathews said. "It's not like the nose bleeds forever or anything, but it is an inconvenience. It normally happens when I get hit pretty good, but it can also just start due to dry weather. The team thought it was a good idea to shore it up." Better you getting your nose cauterized than me, R……….

- Take that, American Airlines. After sticking it to your customers every day for as much as you can possibly extort from them for checked bags and every other conceivable fee, how does it feel to have the Federal Aviation Administration take a nice, big bite out of your backside? Rarely do I applaud anything the government does, but in this case I’m on board with a proposal by the FAA to slap a record $24.2 million civil penalty on AMR Corp.'s American Airlines based on allegations that the carrier flew 286 of its MD-80 jets over a two-year period without complying with mandatory safety directives. And as you’d expect with any good, irresponsible corporate titan, American is expected to appeal the penalty. Never mind the fact that the company allegedly put its passengers’ safety and lives in danger due to improper maintenance work on certain electrical wiring that ultimately resulted in massive flight cancellations two years ago. Rather than own its mistakes, American would rather fight to clear its name even though the case against it is extremely strong. Out of the battle between FAA and American came a sweeping reassessment of how the agency oversees maintenance and safety mandates. The penalty is the capper for the case and amazingly, that figure is only half the amount the agency is now seeking from American. Much like your average professional athlete accused of using steroids who later admits his or her guilt, American is mounting a stern defense based on its insistence that it maintains all aircraft to the highest safety levels. Furthermore, the company is adamant that the MD-80 maintenance errors never posed any safety risk to passengers. The announcement of the fine could not have created a happy atmosphere at American headquarters, where the penalty was expected but also where executives had been lobbying for a much smaller fine over the past few months. And why did American think it deserved that smaller fine? Because it was magnanimous enough to take “voluntary” steps to enhance maintenance compliance. The FAA acknowledged those efforts in its press release laying out the fine, copping to “reported progress in working with American Airlines to help improve the airline's maintenance culture." If you don’t remember the actual uproar over the repair issues at the time, here’s a quick refresher: American canceled 3,000 flights affecting some 300,000 travelers in the spring of 2008. The disruptions came after FAA inspectors discovered lapses in wiring repairs and maintenance affecting nearly all of American's much-used MD-80 jetliners. The company grounded the planes for a few days until all repairs were completed to meet FAA standards, but it seems those repairs may not have been as up to snuff as American would like everyone to believe. Instead, it gets the distinction of surpassing the $10.2 million fine administered to Southwest Airlines in March 2008 for knowingly operating some Boeing Co. 737 jets without conducting mandatory structural inspections. The $24 million penalty obviously blows that one out of the water by a whopping 117 percent, so props on that, American………

- Big news from NASA, y’all. Even a presidential decision to drastically slash the space agency’s budget going forward can't keep the brilliant nerds at NASA down and they proved as much once again on Thursday, when they shared news of what they are calling the "discovery of an intriguing planetary system." That’s right, with the help of the spacecraft Kepler, which has been scouring the vast expanses of outer space for more than a year in search of Earth-like planets, NASA scientists have done it. The Kepler craft launched on March 6, 2009, and has since logged tiny blips from more than 150,000 stars. Why is this important, you ask? Well, any planet that crosses in front of a star, it obviously diminishes the star’s brightness and Kepler is thus able to determine whether or not a plant has passed by. NASA raised everyone’s hopes back in June by announcing that Kepler had identified more than 700 planet candidates, including five solar systems that had more than one transiting planet. Still, it’s a bit like counting the candidates in the early days of a presidential primary - pointless, difficult and unlikely to yield many true contenders. Before a potential planet can be verified, scientists must examine it and see if the object crossing in front of the star truly is a planer or just an alien spacecraft on its way back to its home in another galaxy. Just kidding, science dorks, seeing if you all were still with me. But all kidding aside, the possible addition of new planets is great because it’s about freaking time NASA stopping ripping planetary status from celestial bodies (I know you’re still bent, Pluto), so I’m glad to see that the winds of planetary designation are starting to shift………

- Well, ABC may have actually outdone itself this time. Usually, the network does a solid job of recruiting has-beens, never were’s, D-list stars and straight-up rejects for its Dancing With the (D-List) Stars cast. Former athletes desperate to remain relevant and in the public spotlight are always a solid bet, as are aging entertainers whose ability to land the roles and gigs they once scored with ease has evaporated. Toss in an aspiring actor or actress, maybe two, and you have the general mold of an average DWTDLS cast for any given season. However, ABC has clearly found its biggest cast of losers, morons, imbeciles, lushes and attention whores to date. For starters, they’ve snagged not one, but two reality television cast members: vapid, talentless SoCal bimbo Audrina Partridge of The Hills and…..wait for it…..wait a little longer……the freaking Situation of Jersey Shore infamy. Yes, a man whose sole claim to fame is naming his abs and parlaying that into a multiple-season run on basic cable while showing off his GTL (gym, tanning, laundry) lifestyle is now considered a “star” by ABC. And you all think I’m just kidding and being a sarcastic jerk when I refer to this show as Dancing With the (D-List) Stars. I say these things because they’re the truth, people, not because I take any glee in ripping shows and networks. But wait, there’s more. While ABC wasn’t able to secure the services of Hollywood’s reigning lush, Lindsay Lohan (that whole being in jail and unable to leave town due to the conditions of her release has its drawbacks), DWTDLS did lock down the man who paved the way for Lohan and others of her ilk to do their thing: the Hoff, David Hasselhoff. No word on whether he’ll compete sober, but I vote for drunk because that would simply be more interesting. The rest of the cast is rumored to include the Bristol Palin, the skank-tacular daughter of failed vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin, former Brady Bunch mom Florence Henderson (hello, 1970s!), ridiculously awful elevator music singer and man perm-sporter Michael Bolton, aspiring actor/camera whore Rick Fox (also known to rock a merm from time to time), unfunny comedienne Margaret Cho and former NFL quarterback Kurt Warner. Warner is the one I feel bad for because the guy just retired from football, is a good dude and clearly has a hole in his life he needs to fill. That being said, you cannot fill it with a reality ballroom dancing show, Kurt. I respect and admire you as a man and a football player, but my respect for you does not extend to reality dancing shows with hacks like Palin, Bolton, Partridge and the Sitch. Pull out now while there’s still time, Kurt. Not only will no one think less of you, but I’ll think more of you. The official announcement of the new cast will come Monday during another of ABC’s truly reprehensible realty shows, The Bachelor Pad. Nice to know you can always sink to new depths with your programming, ABC, you never disappoint..……..

- The iPad has been huge ever since its launch earlier this year, so it’s only fitting that Apple’s über-popular tablet computer be used by men who are also huge. That’s right, the iPad has found a new target demographic and it is…..sumo wrestlers. The Japan Sumo Association recently purchased and distributed 60 iPads to the 51 Sumo “training stables” to improve communication between wrestlers and association officials. Why iPads, you ask. Well, stop and consider the situation for a moment. You have massive sumo wrestlers weighing 400 or 500 pounds. How in the world do you expect them to be able to use the ginormous fingers on their FAT hands to dial a cell phone? “It seems rather easy to use,” association chief Hanaregoma said. “Sending emails was very easy.” For a traditionally old-school sport like sumo wrestling, using the iPad is a massive technological leap forward. Now, the iPad may not help the sport in its battle to overcome ties to gangsters and illegal gambling, match-fixing and brutal hazing of apprentices, but Steve Jobs and Co. can only be expected to do so much. Yet the association’s mouthpiece insists that the iPad could actually be an asset in the battle against corruption. “If we place this (iPad) in all the stables, we should be able to contact them anytime,” the association’s spokesman Nishonoseki said. So here’s hoping that the iPad is everything you hope it will be and then some, wrestling FAT men of Japan………