A push-up challenge to settle a lawsuit, sex drive-thru's in Zurich and revisionist history in college football

- Not everyone is a fan of hunky teen vampires with amazing, six-pack abs. Take, for example, Brent McMahon, owner of McMahon's RV in Irvine, Calif. Seems that Brent McMahon was hired by Twilight man meat Taylor Lautner to build and outfit a $300,000 RV on time for use as a dressing room on the set of the actor's latest film. It also seems that McMahon did not deliver the vehicle to Lautner’s satisfaction in time for the start of the film, which led to a breach of contract lawsuit filed by Lautner on Aug. 23. In the suit, Lautner claims that the dealership failed to deliver the customized vehicle on time and sought a $40,000 settlement to resolve the case. More specifically, the Lautner camp alleged that in addition to failing to deliver the RV on time, the vehicle also needed additional work after it was delivered (not enough mirrors in which to admire one’s stupendous abs?). McMahon claimed that the RV received extensive work and a custom paint job AND was delivered on time. But faced with the prospect of a settlement that could cripple his company financially, he decided to respond in unorthodox fashion. Stepping up to the plate and showing that dreamy movie stars are no match for the physical superiority of a man who sells oversized campers for a living, he has challenged Lautner to resolve the case with…..wait for it…..a push-up contest. That’s right, this bozo offered to compete in a push-up contest to settle the dispute while also vowing to defend the case vigorously in court if Lautner doesn't accept his challenge. To sweeten his offer, McMahon offered to donate the settlement money to Children's Hospital of Orange County if he won. Something tells me that Lautner won’t be accepting this offer on the grounds that he is not a total (partial, yes) moron…..I don’t think so, anyhow. However, the mental image of his pounding some out-of-shape RV dealer into the ground with push-ups and then taking $40,000 of the guy’s money is a nice one, even for someone who isn’t a Twilight fan in the least…………

- No dice on your attempt at revisionist history, Mack Brown. The head football coach at the University of Texas became the latest to weigh in on the 2005 Heisman Trophy controversy that began after the original winner, noted cheater, liar and former University of Southern California star Reggie Bush, was revealed to be a dishonest a-hole who took scores of illegal perks and benefits for his family while at USC. USC has since returned its copy of the trophy to the Heisman Trust, but Bush hasn’t done so with the main version of the statue and the trust has yet to issue an official decision on stripping Bush of his victory. That hasn’t stopped analysts, fans, players and former players from weighing in on who the trophy should go to if Bush is stripped of it. Brown became the latest to offer his take, saying that former UT quarterback and second-place finisher in the 2005 voting Vince Young should be the winner. "If they take it away, I think Vince should be awarded the trophy," Brown said in an interview on Monday. "I think you have to go back and really give that choice to the Heisman Trust. If they take it away, I think Vince should be awarded the trophy. Vince was second in the voting, so even if they re-voted I would like to see Vince get it." Ironically, Young has gone on the record as not wanting a secondhand Heisman five years after the fact, so maybe it’s a moot point. Besides, he has the ultimate trump card over Bush because after the Heisman ceremony, Young rallied his Texas Longhorns past Bush's USC Trojans for the championship. Of course, the Heisman voting and ceremony take place nearly a month before the national championship game, so voters had no chance to consider the outcome of that game and they awarded Bush the trophy by a 933-point margin over Young. We now know that Bush was ineligible at the time of the ceremony and the entire 2005 season because he accepted scores of illegal benefits - including a house - from a marketing company for he and his family. USC has suffered the only true consequences from the scandal, receiving a two-year postseason ban, a reduction in scholarships for the next three years and orders to strike all results from the end of the 2004 season, as well as the entire 2005 campaign, from its records. Any traces of Bush have been expunged from the program’s record books and no pictures or other images of him can be found in the USC media guide or on the campus. The last word on the issue from the Heisman Trust came in July, when the group said in a written statement that no decision had been reached in the case. “The Trust will be considering the issues raised in the USC/Reggie Bush matter, and after reaching a decision will publish it, but due to the complex issues involved and the Trust's desire to reach an appropriate decision, no definitive timetable has been established," the trust said at the time. "Until the matter has been fully considered and a decision is reached, the Trust has no further comment.” Hopefully that decision is coming soon so we don’t have to put up with pointless opinions flying from every direction about what do to with the trophy in the event Bush is outed as the winner……….

- Finally…..the end has come for the combat portion of a war that never should have started in the first place. Some 7½ years ago after former Ass Hat in Chief W. launched the "shock and awe" invasion of Iraq, his successor declared in a primetime speech to the nation that “the combat mission in Iraq has ended.” The goal of removing a tyrannical, fascist regime and installing a Western-style democracy may not be fully realized, but the goal of finding the weapons of mass destruction that never existed in the first place still hasn’t been accomplished. Yet at 5 p.m. ET Tuesday, America's combat mission in Iraq will officially came to an end. With depressing totals of more than 4,400 U.S. military personnel killed and 30,000 wounded, the war has clearly taken an immense toll on both the nation and especially on those who have waged it for nearly a decade. What’s jaw-dropping is how early in the process Saddam Hussein was forced from power and yanked from the tiny hole in the ground where he was hiding. The bulk of the carnage came after his removal and those years were filled with widespread violence, war, terrorist attacks and ugliness. There were also high points, including national elections and major economic development, but violence and bloodshed are the memories that stand out most from the conflict. President Obama won a lot of votes crusading against the war and vowing to end it, so perhaps it’s fitting that he’s the one to pull the official plug on combat operations. In a smart move, he won't issue his proclamation from the deck of an aircraft carrier with a ginormous “Mission Accomplished” banner hanging behind him, some seven years before the war actually ends. Before addressing the nation, the president spent the day meeting with Iraq war veterans at Fort Bliss, Texas. He also busted a phone call to W. for a "few minutes" from Air Force One while en route to Texas, according to White House deputy press secretary Bill Burton. The focus of the 8 p.m. speech was primarily on insisting that Iraqi leaders step forward and assume their nation’s leadership duties while also emphasizing the new partnership between the United States and Iraq. Additionally, the president stressed the new focus of refocusing U.S. resources in Afghanistan. To pave the way for the speech, Obama also sent Vice President Joe Biden to Baghdad for the transition and the man with a world-class propensity for sticking his foot in his mouth will help mark Wednesday's transfer of U.S. military command there from Army Gen. Ray Odierno to Army Lt. Gen. Lloyd Austin. Roughly 50,000 American troops will remain in Iraq until the end of 2011 in non-combat rolls, training, assisting and advising the Iraqis. The Obama administration claimed recently that the overall level of violence in the country is on the decline, but Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki warned Friday of the likelihood of continuing attacks across the country. On the heels of a two-day span in which 20 bomb attacks struck 13 Iraqi cities, mostly targeting police. At least 48 people were killed in the attacks and 286 more were wounded, so I’d say that additional violence seems very likely. Al-Maliki attributed to attacks to "al Qaeda and remnants of [Saddam Hussein's] Baath Party with foreign backing planning to carry out a series of bombings in Baghdad and the other provinces." Many Iraqis fear that their own law enforcement and security forces are unable to protect them from such violence, but at this point they really don’t have another option, unless they find a way to re-hire Blackwater……..

- Lord help us, they’re multiplying! Much like the gremlins in the 1984 sci-fi thriller Gremlins, it seems that all bad Bravo reality shows about skanky, surgically enhanced house-skanks need to multiply is water….and a network willing to enable them. Just one day after a drama-rific Real Houseskanks of New Jersey reunion show set a new record for amped-up cougs looking to throw verbal and literally haymakers at one another, the network announced it be adding a new show to the Real Houseskanks lineup: The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Really, it’s the place this whole charade should have started in the first place. What city on the face of this planet screams fake, plastic and superficial more than Beverly Hills? There’s a reason why punk rockers Weezer named one of their songs after the city and made the tune all about excess and opulence (aside from the opportunity to film the video for the single at the Playboy Mansion) and it’s because of people like the collection of Botoxed, fake-rack-having cougars you’re about to meet. There’s Camille Grammer, soon to be ex-wife of actor Kelsey Grammer, who will bring a dose of Hollywood’s inflated self-importance to the show. She’ll be joined by British designer and restaurant owner Lisa Vanderpump (that is THE perfect name for the rich, loathsome villain in a clichéd Hollywood drama, no?), Kyle Richards, a former child star-turned-mother of four (and the aunt of noted Bolivian marching powder fan Paris Hilton), former child star-turned-mother of four and sister of Kyle, Kim Richards, and Adrienne Maloof, part-owner of the Sacramento Kings and the Palms Resort in Las Vegas. If nothing else, the show will be able to buy good ratings with the sizeable bank roll of its cast. And yes, it’s a cast because this is a scripted, bogus TV program and there’s nothing real about it. There’s a guarantee of bloated egos, catfights between tummy-tucked, nose-job-having cougs, drama over important issues like who was or was not invited to the latest A-list party and a general lack of contact with reality for all members of the cast. In other words, the same freaking show that every other installment of this series puts on, just set in a different city………..

- Having visited Zurich within the past six weeks, I can honestly say that I’m sorry I missed out on this one. Prostitution is much more a part of life in most European countries than it is here in the United States, largely because Europeans have a much more liberal view of sex and other issues than Americans. Of course, the most prominent example is Amsterdam, where prostitution is legal. However, it’s Zurich, Switzerland that is taking definitive steps to address its issues with hookers turning tricks on the street. Police in the city are tiring of trying to police prostitutes and instead, are looking to turn them into a little less of an eyesore for the rest of Zurich’s residents. City officials have made proposals to add "sex boxes" to the city, which are basically metal stalls with high walls that will allow practitioners of the world’s oldest profession to ply their trade right there on the street while shielding their ungodly acts from the eyes of Zurich residents whose homes overlook the city's red light district. The idea is to clean up the city streets and make sure that walking down the road isn’t deserving of an NC-17 rating. "They get up to all sorts in broad daylight - and we're sick to death of looking at it," one resident said of the current state of affairs. The concept is takeoff of the policies of German cities like Essen and Cologne, removing prostitution from the public view while not outlawing it. "We can't get rid of prostitution, so have to learn how to control it," police spokesman Reto Casanova said. Controlling it apparently means creating the equivalent of sex drive-thru windows courtesy of boxes are big enough to conceal vehicles while prostitutes and clients handle business. So next time you’re in Zurich, pick up a nice Movenpick ice cream cone, stroll through the China Garden park and get some drive-up sex while you’re at it………

A custody battle over the L.A. Dodgers, Chatroultette returns and a serval on the the loose in Ohio

- Who isn’t looking forward to seeing the ownership of one of Major League Baseball’s legendary franchises decided in divorce court like it’s the embattled child of two warring parents who hate one another so much that they almost want sole custody simply out of spite? That’s the fate of the Los Angeles Dodgers, owned by the soon-to-be-divorced Frank and Jamie McCourt. Their bitter split has been plastered all over the papers and news websites of Southern California for months as the two sides trade snippy allegations and embarrassing details of their personal and professional lives leak out. For instance, there was the revelation that the couple’s two adult sons both work for the team in basically made-up positions with no actual job responsibilities and yet fat, bloated salaries. Now, with the couple’s non-jury divorce trial begins in Los Angeles County Superior Court, more humiliating details and nasty claims are sure to leak out. While this occurs, ownership of the team hangs in the balance and a lone judge will decide who owns the Dodgers and all associated assets. Frank McCourt claims a legal document signed by both parties while they still lived back east in Boston makes the team his property, while Jamie McCourt claims that an oddly worded clause in the agreement invalidates the entire document and entitles her to half the team. Rather than go before a jury, the two have decided to give the judge final say over the validity of a postnuptial marital agreement that gives Frank McCourt sole ownership of the team. Jamie McCourt's lawyers contend that the former Dodgers CEO, fired after her husband accused her of having an affair, would never give up her stake in the team. They insist that Frank McCourt and his legal team forged or altered parts of the document to give him sole control of the Dodgers. With all of these issues festering since the McCourts married in 1979, you can be certain that this case will be as contentious as any divorce you’ve ever seen………..

- Adios, federales. Some 3,200 Mexican federal police have been fired since May for failing to do their work or being linked to corruption and I’m honestly stunned…..that the number isn’t much, much higher. Federal Police Commissioner Facundo Rosas announced the figures Monday, also revealing that more than 1/8^th of those officers fired - 465 to be exact - have been charged with crimes and another 1,020 officers face disciplinary proceedings for failing confidence exams. The startling number of dismissals stems from a national investigation that began in mid-May, said Marco Tulio Lopez of the federal police internal affairs department. "Investigations of our department began many months ago and this is the result," federal police spokesman Ramon Salinas stated. What I don’t get is how the good officers from Ciudad Juarez who were publicly accused by fellow officers of corruption several weeks ago could be included in the group of fired cops. After all, it’s not like two large groups of police officers eschewed their constitutional duties to serve, protect and uphold the law and get into a massive brawl outside police headquarters. Oh wait, that’s exactly what they did. These fools squared off with one another right outside the precinct, setting a solid example for all the citizens they are supposed to keep in line. Add all of the fired or dismissed officers up and you account for about nine percent of the federal police force, which has about 34,500 officials. The fired federales will also be blacklisted in Mexico, meaning they will not be eligible to be rehired on police forces at the local, state or federal levels, Rosas said. Great, that’s 3,200 fewer law enforcement officials for Mexico’s true rulers, the drug cartels, to corrupt and intimidate………

- Oy vey. Has anyone actually missed Chatroulette and its legions of self-pleasuring pervs? In case you missed it or have simply been trying to block out the memory that the random video chat site known more for users being subjected to unwanted images of naked losers doing ungodly things to themselves on camera, the site returned Monday after being down for more than a week for promised improvements. Those improvements must be unseen structural ones, because the site looks eerily similar to how it looked prior to its alleged renovation. It still offers random video chat with strangers and is still as bare-bones as ever. As for the promise to implement measures to prevent people from sexually servicing themselves on camera…..those must be coming in the next site upgrade, because Chatroulette seems as pervy and filthy as ever, with some users and tech sites reporting four or five minutes of refreshing chat windows to get a view of something other than someone’s private parts. But changes or not, the site was reportedly running at a snail’s pace Monday morning, indicating that fans were flocking back to it after a week away. The basic operation of the site remains unchanged, with users on their webcams interacting with other random freaks in live video chats. Also unchanged is the fact that the two parties can either choose to keep talking or move on to the next person exposing themselves on camera. The one change, albeit a curious and seemingly pointless one, that was immediately noticeable was the lack of identification for the site’s popular "next" button, which was unmarked. Expectations for Chatroulette were high (well, as high as they can be for a freak fest of this nature) in its re-launch, especially after site founder, Russian Andrey Ternovskiy, posted a note on a newly inactive site saying that "experiment #1 is over" and announcing "a renewed and updated version" that would be back up in one day. Maybe the Chatroulette that appeared Monday wasn’t the final product Ternovskiy promised, because if it is, then we’ve all been misled. No word on whether singer/songwriter Ben Folds plans to use the revamped Chatroulette during his concerts to write improv songs for the people who popped up on a projection of his computer screen, as he has previously done. The site became such a punchline because of its perverted users that even the new horror film "The Last Exorcism" took a run at it, showing an actress unbuttoning her blouse before transforming into a demonic beast. Perhaps inspired by jabs like that, last month Ternovskiy vowed to clean up the site and create a "perfect video world" where people can talk across borders and beyond cliques and traditional demographics. He followed that promise with a note on the site boasting of efforts were starting to track down, and possibly arrest, video-chat flashers. "With the help of a few good developers we've started collecting information, such as IP addresses, logs and screen captures of offenders who actually break US/UN laws by broadcasting innapropriate [sic] content in a specific situations," he wrote. "I hope that with help of a Criminal law we can finally get the problem out of our shoulders and get existing organizations which usually solve these kind of problems to help us." The final step in those efforts was an attempt to establish separate "adult" channels on Chatroulette for users 16 or older, but with no means of verifying the ages of users, that too seems like a big promise with no payoff……..

- How many people wasted three hours of their life watching NBC’s telecast of the 62nd Annual Emmys? According to early estimates from the network, some 13.5 million friendless losers watched Jimmy Fallon and the rest of that train wreck. That simply reaffirms my faith that approximately 13.5 million Americans are tasteless morons who will spend three-plus hours hanging breathlessly on what a bunch of self-important, self-aggrandizing, pompous and self-congratulating Hollywood types wear and say when they receive undeserved awards from their incestuous little group that exists merely to affirm how great its members are and hand them shiny little trophies of importance. The ratings for the show look great on the surface, as they represent the largest audience for any non-sports telecast this year since American Karaoke season finale on May 26. Additionally, the broadcast garnered the highest adults 18-49 rating (4.1) for any telecast since the Glee season finale on June 8. However, any excitement over those figures need to be tempered with the realization that even though it was the most-watched Emmy telecast in four years, the show only eclipsed last year’s ratings by 0.2 percent. What that means is 0.2 percent of Americans are either dumber or have even fewer friends than they had last year at this time………

- Exotic cat on the loose! Exotic cat on the loose! Look out, central Ohio, because a rare African cat known as a serval is running wild in your corner of the world and you could be next on its snack list. The serval is native to the plains of Africa, but one is apparently running loose in or around the town of Springfield, Ohio, located in Clark County. The serval’s appearance is very similar to that of a leopard or cheetah, and like those animals, authorities advise you not to approach the rogue serval even though it may seem friendly. The creature will likely bite and/or attack anyone who attempts to capture or hold it, so just steer clear and call the Clark County Sheriff is you spot the spotted creature, Springfield residents. An adult serval can weigh up to 40 pounds and measure up to three feet in body length with a shoulder height of about two feet. This particular cat escaped from its German Township home a few weeks ago and has been on the loose ever since, including several sightings near the Upper Valley Mall. Better keep your guard up, central Ohioans, because a cranky, homesick serval is on the prowl……..

The charmed life of Antonio Bryant, weekend movie news and cricket gets its 15 minutes

- If I could be any one NFL player right now, it would be free agent receiver Antonio Bryant. You may ask why I would want to be a guy who was just released by the Cincinnati Bengals less than two weeks before the start of the regular season before he played in a single game for them and now must attempt to find a new team at the worst possible time. Well, allow me to pose a question to you. How much easier does that search become when you’ve just been paid a guaranteed $8 million sum from a team without having to do so much as suit up for a game? Bryant signed a four-year, $28 million contract this offseason with just under $8 million guaranteed from the Bengals, so the sting of getting cut isn’t quite what it would ordinarily be for a player. Bryant’s tenure in the Queen City was on thin ice from the start, as he was attempting to recover from surgery to repair cartilage damage in his left knee last year and looked nothing like his old self during minicamp and training camp. The injury to his knee led to a disappointing season with Tampa Bay last year, as Bryant caught just 39 passes and the Buccaneers made no effort to re-sign him. Both he and Terrell Owens worked out for the Bengals in March and perhaps because of concern over potential chemistry issues with the mercurial Owens, the Bengals chose Bryant. That was ironic because Bryant isn’t exactly the quintessential team player and Boy Scout himself. Bryant’s days in Cincy were clearly numbered after the team doubled back and gave Owens a second look, signing T.O. at the start of training camp. Owens was far and away the team’s best receiver in the preseason, while Bryant missed all four preseason games because of the knee problem. He claimed that the muscles around the knee weren't strong enough to let him cut at full speed, but the team felt it was worthwhile to take the $8 million financial hit and simply let Bryant go rather than hang onto him and extract any on-field production from him. Still, not bad to make $8 million for a few weeks’ worth of work that involved nothing more strenuous than practicing……….

- How long have I been saying that the sport of cricket needs something to spice it up? Outside of India, Pakistan, England and a few other nations, the sport isn’t even a blip on the sports radar. Perhaps that would change if we had more incidences of police arresting men accused of plotting to fix parts of a major international match between two of the sport’s titans, Pakistan and England. British police made the arrest in London last week, although the suspect was not immediately identified. The International Cricket Council, the sport's governing body, said that no players nor team officials have been arrested at this point, which is mildly disappointing. The reaction was swift, shocked and delivered via Twitter for those involved in the match, including Kevin Pietersen, who played for England in the series against Pakistan and Tweeted, "Wow.. Woken up to hear some interesting revelations on our test!! Today is gonna be interesting..." Others called it a dark day for the sport, which I wholeheartedly disagree with. See, for most sports, having allegations that a major match, series or game was rigged by gamblers would be a huge black eye. But when your sport is as irrelevant as cricket is on the global sports scene, the only way you’re making the leap is a transcendent story and this, my friends, is a transcendent story. Ehsan Mani, former president of the International Cricket Council called for the Pakistani cricket board and ICC act quickly and decisively. "There's absolutely no place for corruption in the game," he said, "and that will destroy the game we love so much. So it is absolutely essential that very decisive action is taken." Either destroy the game to take it to the next level, one or the other. Pakistan has more important things to worry about right now, what with one-fifth of its land under water from massive floods, an already impoverished population struggling to bear that burden and an economy on the verge of collapse. So lay off on the Pakistani team and if anything, thank them for thrusting cricket into a place it hasn’t been for a long time and probably won’t be again any time soon - the spotlight……….

- Who would it be, the criminals looking for their next big score or a freaky, demonic exorcism film at the weekend box office? In a race almost too close to call, the satanic side won out as The Last Exorcism won the earnings race, narrowly edging out the T.I.- and Paul Walker-led Takers. While both films easily outstripped expectations, it was Exorcism that carried the day with a $21.3 million haul to $21 million even, give or take a few dollars, for Takers. What makes the final result amazing is that audiences and critics generally panned Exorcism, but clearly enough people went to see it before word got out that it was the most successful film for the weekend. After the two newcomers at the top of the heap, it was a steady dose of holdovers in the middle portion of the top 10. Finishing third with another strong showing was The Expendables, which in its third week grossed $9.5 million, a 44-percent decline from last weekend, but still enough to push its cumulative total to $82 million. It was followed, as it has been every week since its release, by Eat Pray Love, which earned $7 million for a total gross of $60 million. The last slot in the top five went to The Other Guys, which has remained in the top five for more than a month now and has made $99.3 million thanks to a weekend take of $6.6 million. The latter half of the top 10 was led by Twilight parody Vampires Suck, which used a scant $5.3 million haul to secure the sixth spot for the frame. It was followed by the longest-tenured film in the top 10, Leonardo DiCaprio’s Inception, which appropriately enough finished seventh in its seventh weekend of release with $5.1 million to inch its overall total to $270 million. Family-friendly flick Nanny McPhee Returns grabbed eighth place with $4.7 million, a 44 percent drop-off from its opening weekend but enough to raise its cumulative take to $17 million. The last two spots in the top 10 were earned (I use that term loosely) by Jennifer Aniston’s The Switch, which lost 45 percent of its value for $4.6 million on the weekend, and Piranha 3-D, which grossed an estimated $4.3 million for a total two-week gross of $18.2 million (and yet it already has a sequel in the works). Word clearly got out about how utterly crap-tastic Lottery Ticket is, because that stink-fest plummeted out of the top 10, saw its earnings decline a whopping 65 percent and made just over $4 million. Prepare for another major bomb next weekend, when the sure-to-fail Justin Long-Drew Barrymore “comedy” Going the Distance opens opposite Machete. Should be…..um…..interesting…….

- Every town needs a good bridge, whether they have a river to bridge over or not. That’s my firm belief and because I don’t expect it to change any time soon, I’m firmly on the side of the residents of League City, Tex. in their battle against their own city. A group of locals have filed a lawsuit against the city over claims that it gave a bridge in the Glen Cove Park subdivision to a private contractor and thus massively inconvenienced the people of the area. The bridge has been a part of the community for some time and when residents had the chance to speak out about the structure, they were very vocal and extremely angry. "I still remember one special Mothers Day. My youngest son brought home the best present ever -- a bucket full of minnows that he had caught at the bridge," one resident told the city council. Oh, and there’s the matter of having to take a ginormously circuitous route to get home for many Glen Cove Park residents because they can no longer use the bridge. "As it is now, we have to go all the way around through a whole other neighborhood just to get to our neighborhood," Glen Cove Park HOA President Scott Freudenburg said. Freudenburg sounds like one of the locals who used the bridge in so many parts of their life, holding functions there, crossing from one part of town to the other and as a place to hang out and ponder life. Unfortunately, they can no longer use the bridge for those or any other purposes because the city gave it to a developer several years ago. The old bridge was torn down at the time courtesy of the Texas Department of Transportation, but in the minds of residents, the bridge remains and the land around it was not the city's to give away;. "When you know for a fact that something belongs to you and somebody comes and takes it away from you, it's the principal that we are trying to stand up for here," Freudenburg said. That would explain the angry outcry at the latest council meeting, which led to some progress in the form of the council rescinding the lease with the developer effective this week. So what’s the next move? "We are doing everything we can to make sure we come up with a resolution that everyone concerned -- the Glen Cove neighborhood, the developers, and the city -- everyone can agree because it's the best solution for us all," League City spokesperson Kristi Wyatt said. The ideal answer for the locals would be the construction of a new bridge, but methinks the issues in this case run deeper than a simple wooden or metal stanchion across a body of water………

- Facebook is getting mighty greedy these days….and arrogant. Already on the warpath against sites with the word "book" in their names and the subject of an upcoming movie about founder Mark Zuckerberg, the popular social networking site is also trying to trademark the word "face." According to recently filed court documents, Facebook wants to stake claim to the word face in the name of any Web site, which seems like a bit of a leap to make. The suit specifically targets Think Computer, the developer of a mobile payments app called FaceCash, and Think CEO Aaron Greenspan is the man in the crosshairs. Greenspan has asked for an extension in the case, although most legal scholars are doubtful that the court will side the Facebook in this case. Greenspan has actually filed for two extensions in the case, pushing back the deadline to oppose the "face" trademark attempt from June 23 to Sept. 22. "If you search the patent database, there are thousands of marks that contain the word 'face,'" Greenspan said. "I understand where Facebook is coming from, but this move has big implications for my company and for others." He added that he wanted the extra time to research his position because "tech is a very fast-paced industry. You never know what will develop during the additional time." Greenspan has quite a history of battling on trademark issues, so Facebook may have picked a fight with the wrong guy this time. Then again, when your user base dwarfs the population of most every country on Earth and profits are rising steadily, maybe you take a stab or two at expanding that empire to ridiculous lengths and even if you lose, at a minimum you’ve gained more attention and headline time for your company………..

Paris Hilton embraces her true calling, one angry billionaire and no more subsidized cancer sticks in Cuba

- Welcome back, Paris Hilton, welcome back. You tried to deny your true self and stay out of trouble for a while, but there will always be that part of you that enjoys making sex tapes, saying moronic things and getting arrested and there’s no denying it. Glimpses of that old self flared up in June, when you were briefly detained in South Africa for allegedly smoking marijuana at the World Cup. Predictably, Hilton’s mouthpiece called the July 2 incident "a complete misunderstanding," which is accurate as long as “complete misunderstanding” means that she thought she could get away with getting baked and that no one was watching her, both of which were wrong. Well, the hippie lettuce must truly be that gateway drug that all of the uptight squares and conservative thinkers in this country believe it to be, because Hilton has gone from toking up in South Africa to getting arrested late Friday night in Las Vegas on suspicion of cocaine that was pulled over in front of the Wynn Hotel on the Vegas strip at about 11:30 p.m. after police detected the smell of marijuana coming from the SUV. Now I’m not a police officer and while I know what the chronic smells like, I have to say that sniffing out that odor from a moving vehicle seems extremely unlikely. There would have to be a whole lot of the ganja smoked in a vehicle in a very short amount of time to have that much of an odor wafting out its windows. Besides that, who drives around any city other than Amsterdam (where not a lot of people drive as is, preferring bikes, on foot or by canal) while smoking pot and leaves their windows rolled down or their sun roof open? Hilton was not the only person in the vehicle arrested, as the driver, who police did not identify, was arrested for driving under the influence. Hilton got the opportunity to spend some quality time the Clark County jail before being released once authorities determined she was not a flight risk. Regardless of how this case turns out, I have to say that it’s nice to have you back in your truest form, Paris………

- A bad day for Milwaukee Brewers pitcher Yovani Gallardo became much worse when he and a clubhouse attendant were robbed at gunpoint early Friday, hours after Gallardo pitched poorly in a loss to the Dodgers. The team confirmed the incident, but neither victim wanted to discuss it and all that is known at this point comes from the police report. Gallardo gave up six runs in 6^1/3 innings against the Dodgers, but something tells me the robber wasn’t looking for revenge over Gallardo failing to live up to his status as the ace of the Milwaukee rotation. The Brewers haven’t been in the playoff race for a while now, so losses aren’t a big deal at this point in the season. Unless this thief was bent over Gallardo wrecking the week for his fantasy baseball team, I doubt the heist had anything to do with baseball. The gun-toting felon approached Gallardo and Alex Sanchez in a supermarket parking lot demanding money and jewelry. According to Milwaukee police, Sanchez was hit in the head, but not seriously injured. No suspect has been identified and police aren’t saying if they have any significant leads at this point. Thankfully, this all ended with no one seriously hurt, but I’m guessing that not many All-Star pitchers are getting held up at gunpoint in supermarket parking lots, so Gallardo can't be in the greatest of moods right now. He’s been having a tough run on the mound of late, giving up at least four runs in each of his last four starts. Maybe it’s time to start using some of that All-Star salary to hire a bodyguard to go with him to dangerous, seedy places like the grocery store in a tough, shady town full of gangstas like Milwaukee………

- It’s about freaking time, Cuba. I know that being an isolated island dictatorship means you often lag behind the rest of the world, but thanks for finally joining the rest of us in the 21^st century…..sort of. See, for decades now, the Cuban government has adhered to the tradition of providing cancer sticks, i.e. cigarettes, to citizens on a subsidized basis. That’s right, the government was basically handing out free lung cancer to many of its constituents. While the number of those receiving subsidized, tobacco-fueled death had declined over the years - currently some 2.5 million Cubans over the age of 54 are the primary recipients - the fact is that even one is too many and starting next month, that number will drop to zero as new dictator Raul Castro works to jump-start the island's faltering economy with one of those measures being the phasing out of longstanding monthly allotments of subsidized cigarettes. Come next month, aspiring lung cancer patients will have to look elsewhere for help in reaching their goals as they will no longer get their four packs of cigarettes as part of the country's ration program. "The Council of Ministers has resolved to eliminate cigarettes from the rationed family basket as of September as part of the measures gradually being adopted to limit state subsidies," an official statement said. The cigarettes "are not a primary necessity," the statement said. Cigarettes aren’t the only rationed items citizens receive, but Castro eventually intends to get rid of them all as he works to modernize the economy. In addition to cigarettes, monthly allotments of chickpeas, potatoes and a pound of sugar were removed from the system this year, although none of them are known to cause lung cancer, emphysema and other major illnesses. The Cuban economy has been sucking major wind ever since the 1990s following the demise of its former benefactor, the Soviet Union. Somehow, allotments of inexpensive cigarettes for Cubans born before 1956 were kept in place. Yeah, because you can cut truly essential items but one thing you don’t want to do away with its free death sticks. I’m no economist, but my focus would be on boosting the rations of rice, beans and other staples, which most experts estimate provide enough food for less than two weeks, forcing many Cubans to turn to state-run stores and markets. Restructuring the economy has been a chief priority for puppet dictator Castro, who “took over” for his brother Fidel in 2008, although everyone figures Fidel is still the one calling the shots anyhow. Also out the door in Raul Castro’s watch have been state-sponsored honeymoons and vacations already have been cut. Free health care, education and social security remain for now, but with the bleak economic forecast ahead, nothing appears beyond Raul’s ax…….

- Everyone makes a mistake from time to time. However, when that mistake is releasing the wrong man from prison, you probably shouldn’t make that mistake once, let alone twice. Someone needs to pass that info along to officials at the Adult Correctional Institutions in Cranston, R.I. Not just twice, but twice in a matter of weeks, they have wrongly released inmates, the latest being a felon named Leonard Martin. Martin had a larceny charge against him dropped. Still the judge in his case judge ordered him held on a possession, but a clerical error when someone misinterpreted the court documents led to an officially provided jailbreak. "Our records and ID staff has to interpret paperwork from a dozen courts which can be very complicated. While the investigation is ongoing, this appears to be staff misinterpretation of paperwork," Corrections Director A.T. Wall said. Once the mistake was discovered, the ACI's Special Investigation Unit began looking for Martin. He actually helped end the search by turning himself in to Providence police without incident Thursday afternoon. To Martin’s credit, he didn’t do anything wrong and simply accepted a release he didn’t deserve. He isn’t on the same level as inmate Nayquan Gadson, who Jedi mind-tricked prison officials last month by posing as another inmate. Gadson was later caught in Brooklyn, N.Y and has since been returned to the ACI. "This is a very different set of circumstances from the Nayquan Gadson escape," Wall said in a statement Friday afternoon. "We have had approximately 180,000 releases over the course of the last 10 years. The situation with Nayquan Gadson was the only one of its kind in all that time." Great, but one is still one too many. But rest assured, the Department of Corrections claims to have taken steps to improve procedures since Gadson's release, including the testing of I.R.I.S scanning technology , which identifies inmates by scanning their eyes. "After this investigation we will know whether other changes need to be made," Wall said. Here’s hoping the third time truly is a charm for you all…….

- Beware, tech companies of the world: Paul Allen is on the warpath. The Microsoft co-founder has filed suit against eleven tech companies for patent infringement, including some of the biggest names in the industry: Apple and Google, plus nine other companies AOL, Apple, eBay, Facebook, Google, Netflix, Office Depot, OfficeMax, Staples, Yahoo and Google-owned YouTube. That’s pretty much every major Web site or office supply store around, all of which are allegedly using technology for which Allen owns patents, according to court documents filed in a Seattle. At the core of Allen’s suit is the claim that he owns the patents to four technologies those companies are allegedly using. A press release explains the four technologies as "key patents [that] are fundamental to ... leading e-commerce and search companies." What a lovely world we live in when you need not invent the technologies to file suit for patent infringement, but merely be developed at a lab you co-founded and helped finance. That would be Interval Research, the lab where the four technologies were created in the 1990s. "This lawsuit is necessary to protect our investment in innovation," Allen's spokesman said in the press release. "These are patents developed by and for Interval." What wasn’t in the release was the amount Allen is seeking in damages. One would imagine that the amount is substantial simply because of the power players involved, even though Allen is one of the world’s wealthiest men and doesn’t need a dime of any amount he might win. Hard to know who to root for in this one because it’s billionaire companies fighting a billionaire businessman, so perhaps this is the one where you root for the earth to open up and swallow the entire courthouse whole mid-trial……..

John Mayer's outrage, Kenya's new constitution and a chance to be coached by a deadbeat dad

- Rarely will you hear anyone this pissed off about the mere rumor that they are dating Jennifer Aniston. Sure, she’s got some miles on her, but she’s still pretty hot and as such, most dudes (and probably a few ladies out there) would love to have their name linked to her for even one day. But not emo rocker John Mayer, who may be waiting for the world to change but isn’t waiting for the Huffington Post to issue a retraction or apology for daring to suggest that he is once again dating Aniston. In response to a piece on the site, Mayer let rip with a freaking tirade on Tumblr, likening Arianna Huffington’s site to “a stripper wearing reading glasses.” Now, I have no idea what that convoluted metaphor means and I’m in no mood to try to decode it, but I’m guessing it’s not positive. Mayer also suggested a title for any piece the Huffington Post might run on his response: JOHN MAYER SLAMS HUFFPO: “GO F**K YOURSELF!” All of that outrage in response to a simple story tagged with the headline, “John Mayer & Jennifer Aniston BACK TOGETHER?” The story itself, built on pure speculation and circumstantial evidence (as gossip site stories usually are), laid out how Mayer said that he “believed in second chances” during his Hollywood Bowl concert on Sunday and claimed that “a woman who resembled Aniston was rumored to be in the wings” during the show. To be fair, it has to get annoying in a hurry to have your every move, meal, relationship, fashion choice and misspeak documented in by the paparazzi and entertainment media, but even that level of annoyance doesn’t really merit this sort of temper tantrum. Again, they’re not suggesting you’re dating Rosie O’Donnell or anything, bro. It’s Jennifer Aniston, bro. But Mayer piled on big time, going on to rip the manner in which the Huffington Post depicted his quotes and additionally comparing the site to “an insolvent law student willing to dance for a few extra dollars.” Awfully indignant for a guy who is being “accused” of dating one of the hottest women on the planet, John………

- How would you like the chance to have your son coached by a convicted criminal and one of the most notorious head cases in NFL history? The man once known as Brock Middlebrook (when he was trying to conceal his identity, anyhow) is now the head coach of Northwestern High in Flint, Mich. after beating out 13 other applicants for the job. The school apparently was willing to overlook his criminal background and focus on the fact that he’s a former Pro Bowl wide receiver. How a coach leading kids when he’s on the hook for mounting child support debts in Genesee County and Georgia is acceptable, I don’t know. Seems to me that spending a month in a Georgia jail in 2004 after failing to pay $107,000 in child support there and declaring bankruptcy in 2007 to avoid making further child support payments would make a guy a bad example for kids, but maybe I’m way off base. Although Rison has reportedly settled all existing child support debts, there is still the matter of his $30,000 in court-ordered attorney fees to the lawyer for the mother of two of his children, Randall Kessler of Atlanta. Kessler isn’t even pursuing the remaining $30,000 in attorney fees he said Rison owes and doesn’t think he will file a lawsuit to get the money. With all of this as a backdrop for his candidacy, Rison was able to convince school officials that he is fit to lead their team and they are fully on board. “As long as he doesn’t have any felonies, I have no problem with him coming to be a role model for the students,” school board member David Davenport said. Trying to look on the positive side, maybe Rison can be a quality role model for his players. And perhaps he can resuscitate a program on an epic run of futility that dates all the way back to the mid-‘80s, when Rison was star athlete at the same school. “It’s not just about football. It’s about getting in the mindset of education comes first. Football, we’ll deal with the X’s and O’s. But we’ve been working on character building, being on time and doing well in school more so than the X’s and O’s right now, Rison said of his new gig. “Sports are a great window of opportunity for them to earn a scholarship to college. I drill them on how they can make a difference, not only with themselves, but with their community, and I think they’re buying into it.” Best of success to you and your new team, Brock………

- Just another case of The Man infringing on your rights. According to a federal appeals court in California, The Man (in the form of law enforcement) can now secretly place a GPS device on a person's car without seeking a warrant from a judge. According to a recent ruling by that legally ignorant appeals court in California, the Drug Enforcement Administration agents in Oregon who covertly attached a GPS to the silver Jeep owned by Juan Pineda-Moreno in 2007 were well within their rights to plant the tracker. Pineda-Moreno was suspected of growing marijuana, so apparently that invalidates his right to not have cops creeping onto his property without a warrant and dropping a tracker on his car. Fact is, when Pineda-Moreno was arrested and charged, one piece of evidence was the GPS data, including the longitude and latitude of where the Jeep was driven, and how long it stayed at each stop. Prosecutors argued that the Jeep had been driven several times to remote rural locations where agents discovered marijuana being grown. To me, that point is irrelevant. The ends do not always justify the means and just as police cannot (I don’t think) storm your house on mere suspicion, later find evidence of a crime and get away with it, cops should not be able to plant a tracker on a person’s car without a warrant, even if that person later pleads guilty to conspiracy to grow marijuana, and ends up serving a 51-month sentence. How the appeals court didn’t agree with Pineda-Moreno’s contention that sneaking onto a person's driveway and secretly tracking their car violates a person's reasonable expectation of privacy, I will never know. "They went onto the property several times in the middle of the night without his knowledge and without his permission," said his lawyer, Harrison Latto. Yet the freaking U.S. Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals rejected the appeal not once, but twice -- in January of this year by a three-judge panel, and then again by the full court earlier this month. Now, law enforcement (for the time being) has a green light to place trackers on cars, without seeking a court's permission, in the nine western states the California-based circuit covers. A glimmer of hope can be found in the decision of a federal appeals court in Washington, D.C., in a similar case. That court ruled officers who attached a GPS to the car of a suspected drug dealer should have sought a warrant. Ultimately, the issue is likely to come before the U.S. Supreme Court. Hopefully those nine judges espouse the same attitude as one of the dissenting judges in Pineda-Moreno's case, Chief Judge Alex Kozinski, who opined that the defendant's driveway was private and that the decision would allow police to use tactics he called "creepy" and "underhanded." "The vast majority of the 60 million people living in the Ninth Circuit will see their privacy materially diminished by the panel's ruling," Kozinksi wrote in his dissent. Thank you for standing up against tyranny and abuse of power, Judge Kozinksi………..

- It sounds like a bad excuse for people who are overly sensitive to avoid being mocked and teased, but in truth, it’s an actual medical condition. Gelotophobia is not the fear of sweet, jiggly gelatin desserts, but rather the fear of being laughed at. "Gelo" means laughter and "phobia" means fear in Greek. The concept has been the subject of in-depth research by scientists in Europe, who looked at 218 people from the French part of Switzerland and 245 people from Quebec, Canada to measure the prevalence of Gelotophobia. The study, published in the latest issue of the European Review of Applied Psychology, looked at the French version of short questionnaire for identifying gelotophobes, using it to determine which individuals in their study feared the laughter of others. Those who have the fear experience negative reactions to laughter from other people, even strangers. In the mind of a gelotophobe, that laughter is designed for one thing: putting them down. That elicits a suspicious reaction when a gelotophobe hears others laughing and they believe in what many would call a paranoid fashion that all laughter is directed at them even if there's no justifiable reason for that. Having this irrational fear rattling around inside one’s head can obviously have serious social consequences, as gelotophobes tend to isolate themselves rather than step into situations where there might be laughter. In turn, that isolation can lead to ostracizing and the end result is a person who is already struggling finding themselves even more alone. In the study, researchers found that fear of being laughed at was independent of the participants' age, sex or marital status. Those who suffer from this fear also miss out on the normal joys and release that laughter brings to a person’s life. However, even though gelotophobia is related to social anxiety, it is not tied to specific fears. Unfortunately, there is no empirically verified intervention for it. In other words, gelotophobia is no laughing matter…….

- Because it’s been a couple hundred years since we’ve had the experience, most Americans probably don’t grasp what a big day today was in Kenya, where the nation celebrated the signing Friday of a new constitution expected to usher in major change. Even if the day became a lightning rod for controversy because Sudanese President Omar al-Bashir, wanted for war crimes, came to celebrate the occasion, nothing could ruin this day for Kenyans. The kings of the marathon were overwhelmingly ecstatic to welcome a new constitution more than two decades in the making. The issue had picked up momentum after postelection violence left more than 1,000 dead in 2008, but crossing the finish line still took a tremendous amount of work, as it probably should any time you are laying out the governing document for an entire country. The signing of the constitution was attended by thousands of Kenyans three weeks after voters overwhelmingly approved the referendum. "For the last two decades, the people have yearned for a new constitution," President Mwai Kibaki said. In what some might view as overkill, Kibaki signed six copies of the constitution and held one up to the crowd, which was raucous and enthusiastic throughout. Afterward, a 21-gun salute and the national anthem marked the day’s festivities. The constitution itself will result in a more decentralized political system that minimizes the president's powers, so it’s ironic that Kibaki was the one signing it into law. Other aspects of the document call for land reform and allows dual citizenship -- a key issue with Kenya's massive diaspora community. The rest of the world celebrates with you today, Kenya, so party it up and enjoy the achievement………..

Manning up to stop nosebleeds, American Airlines gets federally b*tch-slapped and NASA overcomes

- Succeeding as a rookie running back in the NFL is hard enough as it is. Learning a new offense, coalescing with new teammates and earning your way onto the field are all difficult tasks no matter how high you’re picked in the draft. That task becomes much tougher when your freaking nose won't stop bleeding, which is the problem San Diego Chargers rookie running back Ryan Mathews encountered during an exhibition game against the Dallas Cowboys. Mathews, a first-round pick out of Fresno State, has dealt with football-related bloody noses since high school. The problem is exacerbated by an arid climate and by full contact on the football field and needless to say, San Diego qualifies. Mathews had a choice of dealing with bloody noses nearly every Sunday afternoon from September to January or….doing something about the problem. He chose the latter and that resulted in him undergoing a procedure that sounds incredibly painful and was probably even more painful than it sounds. He had his nose cauterized in an uncomfortable procedure that should eliminate the nosebleeds entirely. "It feels like I have a cold right now because I'm so stuffed up," Mathews said. "It wasn't fun, but hopefully it works." That’s right, dude had the inside of his nose cauterized. Mathews is clearly more of a man than most of us, not only for undergoing this brutal procedure but for missing just one practice to recover and getting back on his feet in time to throw out the ceremonial first pitch before the San Diego Padres' game against the Arizona Diamondbacks Tuesday night. After that, it was back to the practice field on Wednesday afternoon and onward to play on Friday night in an exhibition game at New Orleans. Now, if he takes another hard hit near the goal line and his helmet gets driven back into his nose, Mathews won’t have to worry about anything other than the pain of the hit. "I've been getting them on and off for a while," Mathews said. "It's not like the nose bleeds forever or anything, but it is an inconvenience. It normally happens when I get hit pretty good, but it can also just start due to dry weather. The team thought it was a good idea to shore it up." Better you getting your nose cauterized than me, R……….

- Take that, American Airlines. After sticking it to your customers every day for as much as you can possibly extort from them for checked bags and every other conceivable fee, how does it feel to have the Federal Aviation Administration take a nice, big bite out of your backside? Rarely do I applaud anything the government does, but in this case I’m on board with a proposal by the FAA to slap a record $24.2 million civil penalty on AMR Corp.'s American Airlines based on allegations that the carrier flew 286 of its MD-80 jets over a two-year period without complying with mandatory safety directives. And as you’d expect with any good, irresponsible corporate titan, American is expected to appeal the penalty. Never mind the fact that the company allegedly put its passengers’ safety and lives in danger due to improper maintenance work on certain electrical wiring that ultimately resulted in massive flight cancellations two years ago. Rather than own its mistakes, American would rather fight to clear its name even though the case against it is extremely strong. Out of the battle between FAA and American came a sweeping reassessment of how the agency oversees maintenance and safety mandates. The penalty is the capper for the case and amazingly, that figure is only half the amount the agency is now seeking from American. Much like your average professional athlete accused of using steroids who later admits his or her guilt, American is mounting a stern defense based on its insistence that it maintains all aircraft to the highest safety levels. Furthermore, the company is adamant that the MD-80 maintenance errors never posed any safety risk to passengers. The announcement of the fine could not have created a happy atmosphere at American headquarters, where the penalty was expected but also where executives had been lobbying for a much smaller fine over the past few months. And why did American think it deserved that smaller fine? Because it was magnanimous enough to take “voluntary” steps to enhance maintenance compliance. The FAA acknowledged those efforts in its press release laying out the fine, copping to “reported progress in working with American Airlines to help improve the airline's maintenance culture." If you don’t remember the actual uproar over the repair issues at the time, here’s a quick refresher: American canceled 3,000 flights affecting some 300,000 travelers in the spring of 2008. The disruptions came after FAA inspectors discovered lapses in wiring repairs and maintenance affecting nearly all of American's much-used MD-80 jetliners. The company grounded the planes for a few days until all repairs were completed to meet FAA standards, but it seems those repairs may not have been as up to snuff as American would like everyone to believe. Instead, it gets the distinction of surpassing the $10.2 million fine administered to Southwest Airlines in March 2008 for knowingly operating some Boeing Co. 737 jets without conducting mandatory structural inspections. The $24 million penalty obviously blows that one out of the water by a whopping 117 percent, so props on that, American………

- Big news from NASA, y’all. Even a presidential decision to drastically slash the space agency’s budget going forward can't keep the brilliant nerds at NASA down and they proved as much once again on Thursday, when they shared news of what they are calling the "discovery of an intriguing planetary system." That’s right, with the help of the spacecraft Kepler, which has been scouring the vast expanses of outer space for more than a year in search of Earth-like planets, NASA scientists have done it. The Kepler craft launched on March 6, 2009, and has since logged tiny blips from more than 150,000 stars. Why is this important, you ask? Well, any planet that crosses in front of a star, it obviously diminishes the star’s brightness and Kepler is thus able to determine whether or not a plant has passed by. NASA raised everyone’s hopes back in June by announcing that Kepler had identified more than 700 planet candidates, including five solar systems that had more than one transiting planet. Still, it’s a bit like counting the candidates in the early days of a presidential primary - pointless, difficult and unlikely to yield many true contenders. Before a potential planet can be verified, scientists must examine it and see if the object crossing in front of the star truly is a planer or just an alien spacecraft on its way back to its home in another galaxy. Just kidding, science dorks, seeing if you all were still with me. But all kidding aside, the possible addition of new planets is great because it’s about freaking time NASA stopping ripping planetary status from celestial bodies (I know you’re still bent, Pluto), so I’m glad to see that the winds of planetary designation are starting to shift………

- Well, ABC may have actually outdone itself this time. Usually, the network does a solid job of recruiting has-beens, never were’s, D-list stars and straight-up rejects for its Dancing With the (D-List) Stars cast. Former athletes desperate to remain relevant and in the public spotlight are always a solid bet, as are aging entertainers whose ability to land the roles and gigs they once scored with ease has evaporated. Toss in an aspiring actor or actress, maybe two, and you have the general mold of an average DWTDLS cast for any given season. However, ABC has clearly found its biggest cast of losers, morons, imbeciles, lushes and attention whores to date. For starters, they’ve snagged not one, but two reality television cast members: vapid, talentless SoCal bimbo Audrina Partridge of The Hills and…..wait for it…..wait a little longer……the freaking Situation of Jersey Shore infamy. Yes, a man whose sole claim to fame is naming his abs and parlaying that into a multiple-season run on basic cable while showing off his GTL (gym, tanning, laundry) lifestyle is now considered a “star” by ABC. And you all think I’m just kidding and being a sarcastic jerk when I refer to this show as Dancing With the (D-List) Stars. I say these things because they’re the truth, people, not because I take any glee in ripping shows and networks. But wait, there’s more. While ABC wasn’t able to secure the services of Hollywood’s reigning lush, Lindsay Lohan (that whole being in jail and unable to leave town due to the conditions of her release has its drawbacks), DWTDLS did lock down the man who paved the way for Lohan and others of her ilk to do their thing: the Hoff, David Hasselhoff. No word on whether he’ll compete sober, but I vote for drunk because that would simply be more interesting. The rest of the cast is rumored to include the Bristol Palin, the skank-tacular daughter of failed vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin, former Brady Bunch mom Florence Henderson (hello, 1970s!), ridiculously awful elevator music singer and man perm-sporter Michael Bolton, aspiring actor/camera whore Rick Fox (also known to rock a merm from time to time), unfunny comedienne Margaret Cho and former NFL quarterback Kurt Warner. Warner is the one I feel bad for because the guy just retired from football, is a good dude and clearly has a hole in his life he needs to fill. That being said, you cannot fill it with a reality ballroom dancing show, Kurt. I respect and admire you as a man and a football player, but my respect for you does not extend to reality dancing shows with hacks like Palin, Bolton, Partridge and the Sitch. Pull out now while there’s still time, Kurt. Not only will no one think less of you, but I’ll think more of you. The official announcement of the new cast will come Monday during another of ABC’s truly reprehensible realty shows, The Bachelor Pad. Nice to know you can always sink to new depths with your programming, ABC, you never disappoint..……..

- The iPad has been huge ever since its launch earlier this year, so it’s only fitting that Apple’s über-popular tablet computer be used by men who are also huge. That’s right, the iPad has found a new target demographic and it is…..sumo wrestlers. The Japan Sumo Association recently purchased and distributed 60 iPads to the 51 Sumo “training stables” to improve communication between wrestlers and association officials. Why iPads, you ask. Well, stop and consider the situation for a moment. You have massive sumo wrestlers weighing 400 or 500 pounds. How in the world do you expect them to be able to use the ginormous fingers on their FAT hands to dial a cell phone? “It seems rather easy to use,” association chief Hanaregoma said. “Sending emails was very easy.” For a traditionally old-school sport like sumo wrestling, using the iPad is a massive technological leap forward. Now, the iPad may not help the sport in its battle to overcome ties to gangsters and illegal gambling, match-fixing and brutal hazing of apprentices, but Steve Jobs and Co. can only be expected to do so much. Yet the association’s mouthpiece insists that the iPad could actually be an asset in the battle against corruption. “If we place this (iPad) in all the stables, we should be able to contact them anytime,” the association’s spokesman Nishonoseki said. So here’s hoping that the iPad is everything you hope it will be and then some, wrestling FAT men of Japan………

The battle for an 18-game NFL season, 13 days of jail reinvent Lindsay Lohan (allegedly) and tourism in Oman, man

- And so the battle rolls on. The NFL owners have thrown down the gauntlet of an 18-game regular season and the players are opposing the concept unless they get more money. It’s exactly as you would expect it to be and the latest round of the battled unfolded at a five-hour meeting at a hotel in downtown Atlanta, where owners met to discuss various league-related issues, but mostly to chat about the prospect of adding two games to the regular season. "I think it's a win-win all around," said Bob Kraft, owner of the New England Patriots. He was supported by commissioner Roger Goodell, who pointed out that the league already has the right to impose an 18-game schedule AND keep four preseason games for each team under the current labor agreement with the players. Umm, that’s not helping, Roger. The fact is, the current agreement expires after this season and the push for an 18-game regular season will be one of the pivotal issues in agreeing to a new deal. "We want to do it the right way for everyone, including the players, the fans and the game in general," Goodell said. "There's a tremendous amount of momentum for it. We think it's the right step." The players don’t seem to agree and are using their miniscule negotiating power to demand that they be compensated financially for any additional regular season games, even if two preseason games are cut to keep the overall game total at 20. So far, the owners haven’t held a formal vote on the issue, but they are primarily trumpeting the appeal to fans in reducing the preseason while expanding the regular season. “We want to continue to address a variety of issues before putting together a specific proposal, which our negotiating team will provide to the union's negotiating team," Goodell said. "There's tremendous support for it. Almost all the questions, all the discussions, are how to do it in a way that's fan-friendly." Still, there are major associated issues to decide upon before expanding the schedule: when to start the expanded regular season, possible roster expansion to cope with more games and the resulting injuries and changes in training camp and offseason routines. Both big-name and rank-and-file players have voiced concern over the plan, mostly because they feel that adding two more games that count will take a massive toll on their bodies. But read between the lines of their comments and it’s clear that their beef with an 18-game schedule would likely fade quickly if a few more dollars were thrown their way. That’s actually the opposite of what the owners have in mind, as they want players to go from receiving a certain percentage of the league’s overall revenue under the current agreement to getting a set amount (regardless of its percentage value in the overall financial pie) that would likely end up being a smaller percentage. Add it all up and you can see why so many are forecasting a lockout after the upcoming season………

- Believe it or not, a mere 13 days in jail and 23 days in a drug rehab program were enough to do what years of life struggles and the legal system could not do: reform Hollywood’s ultimate lush, Lindsay Lohan. After less than two weeks in jail and the latest in what should be a lifelong run of rehab stints, Lohan is a changed person, according to her lawyer. "She has learned her lesson," defense lawyer Shawn Chapman Holley told the judge at a Wednesday morning hearing. "She's very serious about her sobriety. She looks forward to proving to the court that she is taking this seriously." Riiiiiiight. She looks forward to proving her sobriety like Hugo Chavez looks forward to saying nice things about the United States. While Lohan may (stress MAY) abide by a new set of rules imposed by Judge Eldon Fox and follow those rules over the next 67 days as mandated by the court, don’t even try to tell me that she has had her last drink or snorted her last rail of coke. She could live lawfully in her West Hollywood, California, home for the next 67 days and that still won't convince anyone with a working brain that she has changed. No one goes from being the erratic, hard-partying lush she was before going to jail and even the f-you punk who painted her nails with expletives for a sentencing hearing to a reformed, do-gooder with great manners and no vices on the strength of 13 days in jail "She's healthy, she's clearheaded, she's positive and looking forward." Holley said. Whatever you say, counselor. Even if Logan was allowed to check out of the hospital Tuesday night because the doctors reported the 90 days that had been ordered was too much, I’m not sold. Maybe I’m wrong on all of this and perhaps spending every week between now and November 1 in counseling sessions for alcohol and drug rehab, taking random drug tests and undergoing behavioral therapy will be enough to right Lohan’s ship. The problem is that we have no evidence whatsoever that she is capable of changing and being confined to the state of California until November in order to be available for random drug and alcohol tests at least twice a week doesn’t seem like enough of a deterrent to keep her on the straight and narrow. Attending psychotherapy sessions at least four times a week and 12-step chemical dependency classes five times a week could help as well, but just don’t tell me that the smart money isn’t on Lohan being face-down in a giant pile of the Colombian nose candy some time in the next six months or so……..

- Have you considered Oman, man? While Southern Sudan (as reported here yesterday) considers a plan to convert its capital cities to animal-shaped layouts to attract tourists, Oman is attempting to do the same by throwing massive amounts of money at the problem. The summer monsoon season, or "khareef," brings quite a few visitors from around the world to Oman's southern regions, especially to places like the coastal city of Salalah. Still, officials hope that publicizing some of the country’s less-developed and lesser-known areas. With a nice collection of mountains, deserts and beaches, Oman is hoping that tourists will take notice of what it has to offer and risk being blown up, abducted or decapitated - common risks when one visits the Middle East, right? Wait, you’re telling me those things don’t happen in every country in the region? Oh. Well, either way, Oman plans to invest more than $20 billion to expand facilities for tourism across the country over the next few years in the hopes of attracting 12 million visitors annually by 2020. How will they accomplish such a lofty goal? Well, the surprising tact Oman hopes to take is reducing its current dependence on oil and gas production. Somehow, that is going to allow them to expand an already impressive offering of 11 five-star hotels and resorts throughout the country, two hundred acres of private beach and gardens of the Al Bustan Palace Hotel in Muscat and fun activities like camel racing, whale and turtle watching, and climbing and caving. Sultan Quaboos Bin Said, Oman's ruler, smartly views tourism as the engine that will drive his nation into the future. Unlike opulent neighbors Dubai and Abu Dhabi, Oman's tourist offerings also boat historic architecture, including several UNESCO World Heritage sites. That’s good, but so far it hasn’t been enough. Tourism made up only four percent of the economy in 2008, so making it a main pillar of the economy going forward is not going to be easy……….

- Not that I had firm pans to sit down and watch the 2010 U.S. Open men’s final on Sept. 12, but now it’s a definite “no,” at least any part of the match that might come within the first hour or so of its scheduled start time. Why that timeline, you ask? Well, for starters I’m not a huge men’s tennis fan. If Federer and Nadal are at the top of their games and put on a great final, then I’m down. However, my fondness for tennis tends to be directly linked to whether or not my girl Maria Sharapova is on the court. If her considerable, um, talents are on display, then I’m tuning in. If not? I’ve probably got better things to do. However, any affinity for men’s tennis at all is far outweighed by the presence of a former American Karaoke contestant being on hand to sing either the national anthem or “America the Beautiful.” Such will be the case in Flushing Meadows on Sept. 12, as former AKer David Cook will perform “America the Beautiful” prior to the men’s final. Not only will he perform, but that hatchet job of a performance will be included during CBS’ coverage of the event. For me, that makes it must-miss TV and I’m going nowhere near CBS until I am absolutely, positively sure that I will not hear a single not of a glorified karaoke-er doing his best beatdown on a classic song. Heck, I may have to mute the television and disable the speakers before I even consider tuning the TV to CBS that day, just to be safe………

- Pimps and hookers of Craigslist, your time as online trick-turners may be coming to an end. Attorneys general in 17 states have united to demand that the site you are so fond of using to sell sexual services stop the practice. "The increasingly sharp public criticism of Craigslist's Adult Services section reflects a growing recognition that ads for prostitution -- including ads trafficking children -- are rampant on it," the attorneys general said in a Tuesday letter to Craigslist CEO Jim Buckmaster and founder Craig Newmark. "We recognize that Craigslist may lose the considerable revenue generated by the Adult Services ads. No amount of money, however, can justify the scourge of illegal prostitution, and the suffering of the women and children who will continue to be victimized, in the market and trafficking provided by Craigslist.” Let me read between the lines here and try to figure out what this letter means…..maybe that the law wants Craigslist to discontinue its adult services section? Well, the stunner here is that a Craigslist spokeswoman said Wednesday that the site agreed with at least some of the letter. "We strongly support the attorneys general desire to end trafficking in children and women, through Internet or by any other means," said spokesperson Susan MacTavish Best. "We hope to work closely with them, as we are with experts at nonprofits and in law enforcement, to prevent misuse of our site in facilitation of trafficking, and to combat such crimes wherever they appear, online or offline." Funny, but that doesn’t sound like a vow to rid the site of prostitution, but rather human trafficking. Craigslist contends that it implemented manual screening of adult services ads in May 2009 and that since then, before being posted each individual ad is reviewed by an attorney trained specifically to enforce Craigslist's posting guidelines. Furthermore, Craiglist claims its standards are “stricter than those typically used by yellow pages, newspapers, or any other company that we are aware of.” At this point, you might be asking who are these attorneys general to stand up against the pimps and ho’s of Criaglist? Well, they would be the attorneys general from Arkansas, Connecticut, Idaho, Illinois, Iowa, Kansas, Maryland, Michigan, Mississippi, Missouri, New Hampshire, Ohio, Rhode Island, South Carolina, Tennessee, Texas and Virginia. They are squaring off against a defiant Newmark, who insists that his site is doing more than any other site that hosts adult ads to help filter out underage prostitutes and report them to police. If Craigslist and its pimps, ladies of the night and other assorted characters say it’s so, then I see no reason to doubt them……….

Illegal Tweets in the NFL, animal-shaped cities in the Sudan and trouble in Meat Cove

- As if living in freaking Nova Scotia wasn’t bad enough…..oh hey, Nova Scotians, didn’t see you there. Umm, as I was saying, Nova Scotia is an amazing place to live and as such, I feel absolutely terrible for residents of the remove Nova Scotia community of Meat Cove (real name, I kid you not) for what they are currently going through. A massive rainstorm slammed their town over the weekend, washing out the only road in and out of Meat Cove. Without the bridge, Meat Cove (yes, I’m going to say it as many times as possible) has been cut off from the rest of Cape Breton Island since early Sunday. The same high winds and torrential downpours slammed the entire area, but the small town of 100 people was hit hardest and now finds itself as a literal island unto itself. While they wait for the rest of the world to reestablish connection with them, the community's 100 residents have turned their community hall into a command post and comfort center for several dozen visitors who were enjoying the peace and tranquility of Meat Cove (told ya) when the storm hit. Additionally, the town has shown off its small-town kindness by having a local restaurant has been feeding tourists for free. "We're just devastated here in the community," said local resident Derrick MacLellan. "We totally lost our beach. We had a number of buildings out there and they're totally out in the ocean." The scariest moment of the weekend befell two German tourists who narrowly escaped when their car was washed away while they were parked at the beach. A massive cascade of water rushed down from a brook, wiping out the car and several buildings in the process. "The car just went with the flow," said MacLellan. "They were very, very lucky that they got up the side of the cliff or they would've lost their lives as well." On the upside, no homes were lost in the storm; on the downside, many residents are without drinking water. The only form of connection Meat Cove residents have with the outside world is local fishermen who are bringing supplies in by boat from neighboring towns and assisting people who need to leave. A boat also brought in Nova Scotia Deputy Premier Frank Corbett, who arrived in Meat Cove by boat Monday afternoon to assess the carnage. "We're here to see it ourselves," Corbett said. "To talk to the folks and see what we can get done and find out actually from the experts when we can get life back to normal for everybody.” In the meantime, helicopters will be used to fly out anyone in need of emergency medical attention as, surprise of all surprises, the 100-resident town of Meat Cove has no health facilities of its own. So stay strong, Meat Covians, you can make it…………

- Good to see that Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Chad Ochocinco is already in mid-season form even though the preseason is barely halfway done. The self-promoting, fun-loving, bombastic Bengal, one of the NFL’s most frequent Twitter users, has run afoul of the league’s rule that bans players from posting messages on social media websites starting 90 minutes before kickoff and until postgame media obligations are fulfilled. Ochocinco’s violations came before and during the Bengals' preseason game against the Philadelphia Eagles on Aug. 20. He Tweeted twice during the restricted period, once at 6:50 p.m. ET and again at 9:53 p.m. ET for a game that kicked off at 8:07 p.m. ET. The Tweets resulted in two violations -- possessing an electronic device and posting messages on Twitter during the restricted period. For his efforts, the NFL fined Ochocinco $25,000 for his two infractions, which means some deserving charity in the greater Cincinnati area is going to be getting a much-needed donations to its coffers. So what was the content of the offending Tweets, those $12,500-apiece Tweets? Well, the second one was the more interesting of the two and read, "Man Im sick of getting hit like that , its the damn preseason [expletive]! 1day I'm gone jump up and start throwing hay makers , #Tylenolplease." The last “word” of that Tweet is of course a play on Ochocinco’s catchphrase, “Child please.” Something tells me this won’t be the last time Ochocinco makes an impromptu donation to a local charity in the name of Tweeting………

- A government agency employing translators to help it decipher the speech and other communication of groups with whom it does not share a common language is nothing new. However, when the language that needs translating is Ebonics, the story takes a much different tilt. Apparently Ebonics are so pervasive in drug deals nowadays that the Drug Enforcement Administration is actively seeking nine people to translate conversations featuring Ebonics that agents picked up on wiretaps during investigations. Special Agent Michael Sanders confirmed the plan to seek Ebonics translators and a solicitation was sent to contractors as part of a request to companies to provide hundreds of translators in 114 languages. "DEA's position is, it's a language form we have a need for," Sanders said. "I think it's a language form that DEA recognizes a need to have someone versed in to conduct investigations." The translators are need for the agency's Southeast Region -- which includes Atlanta, Georgia; Washington; New Orleans, Louisiana; Miami, Florida; and the Caribbean. Translators would listen to wiretaps, translate what was said and testify in court if necessary, Sanders attempted to justify the need for translators by explaining that Ebonics is no longer spoken only by African-Americans, terming it as "urban language" or "street language." He cited investigations in recent years in which the dialect was spoken by African-Americans, Latinos and white people. "It crosses over geographic, racial and ethnic backgrounds," he said. What I find interesting is that the DEA believes some criminals are “trying to use this to evade detection" while trafficking in drugs. Apparently, the DEA is currently relying solely on agents whose ability to translate Ebonics is limited to picking out a few random words on wiretaps. As brief history lesson for the linguistic-ignorant, "Ebonics" is a blend of "ebony" and "phonics" that first hit the public consciousness in 1996, when the Oakland, California, Unified School District proposed using it in teaching English. The school board came under fire later altered the plan and removed reference to Ebonics as "genetically based" and as the "primary language" of students. To be sure, there are still plenty of negative stereotypes and connotations associated with Ebonics and it is still viewed by most people as the language of the uneducated and ignorant. One group that refutes those claims is the Center for Applied Linguistics, a Washington-based nonprofit organization whose Web site says in part, "Because it has a set of rules that is distinct from those of standard American English, characterizations of the variety as bad English are incorrect. Speakers of AAE do not fail to speak standard American English, but succeed in speaking African American English." However you classify it, there’s no getting around the fact that if criminals are speaking the language and the DEA is trying to stop them, it needs people who speak Ebonics………

- Reality television in general is a joke. Even the name is a misnomer because there is nothing less realistic than reality TV. Perhaps the G4 network is looking to change that by ordering a new reality show called Bomb Patrol: Afghanistan, which will follow an Explosive Ordnance Disposal unit in Afghanistan. If that sounds familiar, it should be. That was the basic premise of last year’s The Hurt Locker, which was billed as a realistic portrayal of the dangerous environment in which American soldiers operate on a daily basis as part of life in a war zone but ultimately became a totally trumped-up, unrealistic Hollywood production that bore little to no resemblance to the real thing. Could Bomb Patrol be any different? Well, the most obvious step for improvement over Hurt Locker is to steer clear of the existential debate over the nature of modern warfare that dragged the movie down. Bomb Patrol isn’t set to air until next spring, so there’s still time to cast some hunky co-stars with great abs and bleached teeth, along with some hot female leads who can sex up scenes and draw in the male demographic to the show. Sure, that would be wholly unrealistic and absurd, but this is reality TV, not a documentary. Maybe this is just to sort of frivolous fluff, er, realistic war drama that the American public needs to re-energize and galvanize its support for the war in Afghanistan, which has become nearly as unpopular as the man who launched it, the worst president of this or any other generation, W. You still suck, by the way, W………

- How often have you found yourself thinking that if only you had a good reason to visit Sudan, you would buy your plane ticket and make the trip? If so, your prayers have been answered and they have been answered by the only thing that could truly turn a Third World African nation into a tourist hotspot: animal-shaped cities. That’s right, the government of Southern Sudan this week unveiled urban blueprints to rebuild cities in the shape of animals. For example, there could be an amusement park situated in the ear of a rhinoceros and a five-star hotel as the beast’s eye. Perhaps a giraffe-shaped city with a plush, leafy golf course on its chest. The world-class visionary behind the plan is Housing and Physical Planning Ministry undersecretary Daniel Wani, who admitted the attention has bolstered his efforts and reenergized his cause. "The reaction has been very good. We have been getting calls from everywhere," Wani declared. "Generally, the feedback we are receiving indicates that we are on a positive track." This is a whopper of a plan, spanning several decades and operating on a budget of $10.1 billion. Re-creating Southern Sudan's 10 state capitals into intricately-shaped animal towns sounds ridiculous on the surface, given that the region is one of the poorest places on earth. On top of that, the region lacks any paved roads outside its three main cities. The only thing injecting even a modicum of hope into this ridiculous scheme is the prospect of Southern Sudan achieving independence next year through a January secession referendum promised in a 2005 peace deal that granted the region self-rule until the vote. Proposing a plan of this scale is definitely a way to generate attention and interest, but the reality is that Southern Sudan's total budget for 2010 is less than $2 billion. Critics of the plan are many and powerful, but then again, there are always critics and naysayers when you try to do something great. Even an expected boon from oil resources in the region isn’t swaying the doubters, but Wani insists that dreaming big is essential for not only his region’s future, but also its present. "The shapes are what is innovative about the whole idea, that is what is attracting all the attention," Wani says. Getting this plan off the ground may ultimately rest on the government’s ability to do what many American professional sports franchises have done in order to secure shiny, expensive new stadiums for themselves - secure private funding. The government hopes that ultimately, more than 70 percent of the project will be financed privately. They’ve hosted visits from businessmen from Japan and the cradle of modern excess, Abu Dhabi, since the plans were unveiled. Another hurdle for the plan is approval by the nation's executive Cabinet. That isn’t discouraging Wani, who is almost maniacal in his devotion to turning capital cities into elephants, rhinos and wildebeests. "We are implementing the plan, definitely," he defiantly declared……….