- Just when the world tried to count bird flu out, it is swinging back and with a vengeance, according to a United Nations warning issued Monday. The U.N. admitted that while the deadly virus had been in decline since appearing in 2003, it has found new life (get the ironic pun there?) thanks to wild bird migrations that have brought it back to previously virus-free countries. So far, a mutant strain of the revived bird flu has already killed people in Asia. The nations most in danger are predicted to be Bangladesh, China, Egypt, India, Indonesia, and Vietnam. Most alarming in the U.N. proclamation is news of a new vaccine-resistant strain that's been detected in China and Vietnam. While one (Michelle Bachmann?) could argue that the mutant bird flu is God’s punishment on China for the human-rights-trampling ways of the Communist Party, it is the common Chinese citizen in the remote fishing village most likely to suffer. For those who have forgotten about the bird flu and what it can do, here are a few symptoms: fever, cough, muscle aches, sore throat, eye infections, pneumonia, severe respiratory disease and death. Sounds like fun, no? The virus spreads from infected birds to people, though human-to-human transmission is possible. If touching dead birds is a hobby of yours, now would be an excellent time to find a new one. Others in possible danger from the mutant bird flu are those who have extensive contact with infected birds because they work in jobs such as poultry production. So far, no cases have been reported in the U.S. and we should all be aiming to keep it that way. If you live in a border state - any border, be it land or ocean - and you see a suspicious, sickly-looking bird you suspect might have the mutant bird flu, bust out your shotgun or semi-automatic weapon (for Texans) and blast it from the sky while wearing your HAZMAT suit. Using long tongs or forceps, pick up the bird and dump it into a giant vat of acid, place the lid on top and the problem is disposed of. Or you can follow the U.N.’s weak advice and “increase surveillance and take preventative steps.” Personally, the HAZMAT suit, AK-47 and vat of oil stand at the ready…………
- You’ve done it again, ABC. Every season the network faces the immense challenge of finding a less recognizable, less interesting group of D-listers for its ballroom dancing reality show Dancing With the (D-List) Stars. Consider the cast of has-beens, never-weres and reality show cast members they find on an annual basis, topping them always seems impossible - and yet ABC always succeeds. This time around, the cast includes a transgender FAT dude who started life as a chick and is famous only as the son of a couple of pop hacks from the 1970s (Chaz Bono), the host of one of the most comically absurd, white-trash daytime talk shows ever (Ricki Lake), an Italian actress Americans know only because she just became the 15,007th hot actress to break up with George Clooney, a chick who is famous for being on a reality show about kids in an über-rich, SoCal beach community and dating one of the most despised quarterbacks in the NFL - Jay Cutler - before their recent break-up (Kristin Cavallari) and the “star” of the oh, so forgettable “Scream” movie franchise, the cherubic David Arquette. But wait, there’s more. This year’s cast also has its requisite FAT-so who feels like being on the show is the answer to finally shedding the dozens of extra pounds he or she has been carrying around for years. Filling that role is Kardashian family black sheep (although it is admittedly tough to pick one black sheep in a family full of them) Rob Kardashian, whose “fame” is derived from being the loser brother of a trip of sisters who are famous for being reality TV, jock-chasing skanks and the offspring of former U.S. Olympian Bruce Jenner. Rob Kardashian believes that ballroom dancing on a reality show is the weight-loss program for him and that tangoing, waltzing and samba-ing while wearing a sequined tuxedo or some other nonsense outfit will help him slim down. "I really want to get into shape," ex explained. "You probably wouldn't know, but I'm the most insecure and overweight I've ever been." Wait…..you’re FAT, on a worthless reality show as the 50th most-important cast member and you don’t feel good about yourself? Grab the nearest feather and knock me over. “I'm over 200 pounds, so I want to drop weight and this will be a good start," Kardashian continued. Hmm…..“over 200 pounds” is probably code for pushing 260, so maybe dancing will actually help. Looking at this guy’s physique, it clearly can’t hurt. Plus, there is the chance to continue the family’s DWTDLS legacy, as Rob’s older sister and reality TV skank Kim already did her turn on the show…………
- The expression “dancing on your grave” always seems especially cold and harsh. As bitter as one might be against a particular enemy, the thought of being so overjoyed at their passing that you literally bust a move standing atop their final resting place is as classless as it gets. That’s for a person who has a direct connection to the deceased to the point of hating them in vitriolic fashion…….not for a total stranger whose job it is to respectfully play a small role in preparing the grave of a person who has shuffled off this mortal coil into eternity. Yet here we are, having this conversation because of Christopher Redd, a now-former gravedigger in Mesa County, Colo. who decided that the middle of his shift and while digging a grave was an excellent time to break out his best shovel guitar riff and film the performance. Redd claimed it was part of an attempt to win tickets for a rock music festival and attempted to defend his actions by explaining that the taping happened before a funeral service was held at the site and that no remains were in the grave. His bosses were not swayed and fired him after the video surfaced, which would be the end of this despicable story if not for the fact that he may also face criminal charges for his idiotic actions. The Mesa County Sheriff’s Department is investigating the incident and has not decided yet whether to file charges. Whether they do or not, the family of the person who was later buried in that grave was undoubtedly fired up to hear that Redd had paid such a fitting tribute to the person they loved, dancing on the grave and rocking out using his shovel as a guitar. Hopefully he made some very appropriate song choice for the performance, perhaps “Stairway to Heaven” or “Don’t Fear the Reaper.” Stay classy, Christopher Redd, stay classy…………
- Whether he ever makes a single catch on the field in a regular season game, new Carolina Panthers tight end Jeremy Shockey will always be a lifesaver for one of his teammates. Shockey, who signed with the Panthers in March after he was cut by the New Orleans Saints, was enjoying a quality training camp lunch in the cafeteria at Wofford College in Spartanburg, S.C. when he noticed fellow tight end Ben Hartsock choking on a piece of pork tenderloin lodged in his throat. "(Hartsock) started to go to the bathroom and I don't know if he collapsed, but he couldn't breathe," his agent Mike McCartney explained. "Ben told me, ‘Shockey came over and gave me the Heimlich maneuver and saved my life.’ He was in good spirits and he's real thankful for Shockey." Ah, the old “pork tenderloin in the pipes” story, there’s one at every training camp. The thought of the heavily tattooed, long-haired (from time to time) Shockey spotting Hartsock choking, watching another teammate unsuccessfully attempt to dislodge the food and stepping in to save the day is interesting, to say the least. When they signed Shockey and traded for tight end Greg Olsen from the Bears, the Panthers probably imagined they were significantly upgrading their abysmal passing game and giving rookie quarterback Cam Newton a better collection of weapons once he beat out incumbent (barely) Jimmy Clausen for the starting job. They may still have done that, but they also brought in the man who would ride to Hartsock’s rescue in the team lunch room, of all places. Good to know that someone was paying attention in a first aid class when the instructor demonstrated the correct way to save a choking person’s life…………
- Riot Watch! Riot Watch! Wanting to overthrow one’s government is a great reason to rise up and take to the streets, but so is seeing a popular political leader arrested and charged with crimes he or she professes to be innocent of. Poland knows this all too well, as evidenced by the mass uprising over the trial of former Prime Minister Yulia Tymoshenko on corruption and abuse of power charges from her time in office. South Africa is learning the same lesson amidst a wave of outrage in Johannesburg ahead of a disciplinary hearing for controversial youth leader Julius Malema. Violent protests raged in the streets of the capital, with rioters burning flags of the ruling African National Congress party and sprinting through the streets holding burning T-shirts bearing South African President Jacob Zuma’s image. “Zuma must go!” the protesters chanted over and over. Protest quickly escalated into riot, with demonstrators hurling bricks and bottles at police and reporters and climbing nearby armored cars. Police responded in predictable fashion, detonating stun grenades, unleashing water cannons and firing rubber bullets into the crowd. Those measures did little to dampen the enthusiasm of rioters, who continued to voice their anger over a hearing for Malema and five other ANC Youth League officers charged with sowing division and bringing the party into disrepute. The violence highlighted a mounting wave of unrest that’s taking place leading up to the country’s presidential election. Malema is an easy target for the government because he has shown a proclivity for mobilizing he country’s youth with speeches about unemployment and economic inequality in Africa’s richest nation. A crowd of thousands greeted him as he emerged from his hearing. Prior to the hearing, he made the wise move to tell his supporters to exercise restraint Tuesday, knowing full well they would do no such thing. Making that plea gave him plausible deniability in the riots, although the government isn't likely to forget that he has been known in the past to encourage the singing of a racist song calling for people to “kill the Boer,” or white farmer. Ironically, Malema was part of the team that helped get Zuma elected president but has since fallen out of favor. Thankfully, he is still in favor with enough people to spark a massive riot for the world to enjoy…………
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