Movie news, "Hard Knocks" needs and Riot Watch! returns

- The weekend box office: Irony lives here. After four dominant weeks at the top of the earnings race, “The Hunger Games” was finally defeated by a thoroughly awful film that should never be the top movie on any weekend. “Think Like a Man,” a comedy of epically bad proportions, snagged the top spot with $33 million in its debut. On its heels was a movie hailed by many as the worst Nicholas Sparks-inspired effort yet, the Zac Effron-led “The Lucky One.” With $22.8 million, “Lucky One” outperformed its talent level for second place. “Hunger Games” dropped to third with $14.5 million, sandwiched between “Lucky One” and another newcomer, “Chimpanzee.” Oddly enough, the chimp-themed flick was the best of the three newcomers and yet earned just $10.2 million. The news was not good for “The Three Stooges” in its second weekend, with a fall to fifth and a $9.2 million effort bringing the movie’s two-week total to a paltry $29.3 million. “The Cabin in the Woods” was sixth with $7.7 million and has earned $48.3 million through three weeks. The über-mediocre run continued for “American Reunion,” which slid to seventh and made a meager $5.2 million to boost its cumulative domestic total to $48.3 million for three weeks of release. The revived version of the four-hour waste of time that is “Titanic (3-D)” made $5 million for an eighth-place finish and has garnered $52.8 million thus far. “21 Jump Street” landed in ninth place with $4.6 million and has a six-week total of $42 million. Tenth place was claimed by “Mirror Mirror,” which continued to be mediocre mediocre, making $4.2 million and has earned just $55.2 million through four weeks. “Wrath of the Titans” (No. 11), “Lockout” (No. 12) and “Dr. Seuss' The Lorax” all dropped out from last week’s top 10……….

- Sunday is Earth Day. Unless you are a close friend of a tree-hugging environmentalist, you may not have known that. But what better way is there for one of the world’s biggest energy hogs, the United States, to mark the occasion than with an award-winning light bulb that lasts for 20 years going on sale? The bulb, made by Dutch electronics giant Philips, switches filaments for light-emitting diodes to provide illumination. That increases the light’s life, but it also makes it significantly more expensive. The first version of the bulb costs a whopping $60, although Philips has arranged discounts with merchants that will sell the bulb, meaning some could buy it for $20 and theoretically flip it to consumers for less than the $60 price tag. Its debut comes after a victory in the Bright Tomorrow competition run by the U.S. Department of Energy, which sought an energy-efficient alternative to the 60-watt incandescent light bulb. The agency challenged firms to design a bulb that gave out a warm light similar to that from an incandescent bulb, but with a much higher level of efficiency. Philips’ victory becomes much less impressive on account of being the only entrant, but its design still underwent 18 months of testing before being declared the victor. A cheaper, less efficient version of the LED bulb is already on the market in both Europe and the U.S. Compact fluorescent lights already on the market offer another alternative and they are significantly cheaper than LED bulbs. All energy-efficient bulbs are receiving a boost by a push from many governments to end production of 100-watt light bulbs. European manufacturers have already stopped production and U.S. manufacturers are gradually phasing the bulbs out. Beginning in 2013, incandescent bulbs of 40 watts or above will be banned in the U.S. Let the good (and dimmer) times roll…………

- It’s all about perspective. For the unfortunate farmer who lost one of his or her pegs en route to the market and received a slightly smaller pay day as a result, a pig tumbling off the back of the truck is a negative. For the pig, a nasty fall and a broken leg may be painful in the short term, but in the long term they are the price to be paid for staying alive. The pig fell from a truck in Urbandale, Ia. and was discovered soon thereafter by a passerby. The women contacted some local animal shelters and even in farming-centric Iowa, none of them were willing to do anything with a market pig. A friend suggested that the woman contact the Des Moines Animal Rescue League and the organization was willing to help. “They’re just lucky to survive when they fall off, and usually a broken leg like this on a market pig is pretty much a death sentence unfortunately,” ARL representative Laura Nicholls said. The ARL accepted the pig and gave it a name: Olivia. Olivia received treatment from veterinarian Dr. Anil Regmi, who placed the pig in a rehabilitation pool to help speed up the recovery process. “I’m actually, I’m really surprised the way she is doing it for the first time,” Regmi said of the pig’s progress in the pool. “The way I am seeing, the way she is doing, I don’t have any doubt.” Olivia’s recovery is expected to take a few weeks, but Regmi believes she will make a full recovery and go on to live a life that does not involve being made into sausage or bacon……….

- And we’re one step closer to exactly where we need to be. HBO is desperate for an NFL team to star in the next season of its reality television series "Hard Knocks" and there is only one logical option: the New York Jets. The Jets have done the series once, they have the biggest loudmouth in the league as their head coach, they have the league’s preeminent procreator in Antonio Cromartie (10 kids by eight different women with twins on the way) and they just threw the insanity of Tebow-mania into their locker room by trading for one Timothy Richard Tebow. Yet head coach Rex Ryan doesn’t want to sign up for another season of “Hard Knocks” even though owner Woody Johnson likes the idea. The Jets’ hesitation has led HBO to talk to other teams about appearing on the show and the denials have been coming in fast and furious, with the Atlanta Falcons the latest to say no to the offer. According to sources, the Falcons discussed the offer internally and decided it was best to place their focus for the 2012 season exclusively on the field and not subject themselves to the scrutiny of a reality TV show. That leaves the Jets and Jacksonville Jaguars, who have been offering to appear on the show but are a) terrible and b) have no compelling storylines to attract viewers. No one wants to see a show that chronicles a team's journey through training camp and the preseason when all of that is a prelude to a 5-11 campaign. While league sources have confirmed that the Baltimore Ravens and San Francisco 49ers are also being looked at, the Jets and Jaguars have the inside track. The Jets were featured on the show in 2010 and were extremely entertaining. Their entertainment value can only go up with the Pro-Procreator expecting his 11th and 12th children, the running drama between embattled starting quarterback Mark Sanchez and Tebow, the drama between Sanchez and combustible receiver Santonio Holmes and Ryan’s nonstop flow of profanities. Johnson intimated in early April that there have been informal talks with HBO, but said "we can't react to anything unless it's a real invitation." As much as HBO and viewers need the Jets to be the team for “Hard Knocks,” the Jaguars need to be that team for their own self-sustaining reasons. They have historically struggled to sell tickets and build a fan base in the Jacksonville area and an appearance on "Hard Knocks" could be a much-needed shot in the arm for their public profile. Hiring former Falcons offensive coordinator Mike Mularkey as coach will do nothing to generate interest, nor will giving a big-money deal to free-agent receiver Laurent Robinson or signing veteran quarterback Chad Henne to compete with 2011 first-round pick Blaine Gabbert. New owner Shad Khan tried to trade for Tebow, but the burly left-hander preferred to play for the Jets. HBO needs to make the same choice…………

- A riot with sickles, clubs AND violent clashes with police? Heck yes, Riot Watch! returns. Its comeback takes us to Lijiang, China, where the city government said late Friday that the violence erupted on Wednesday when villagers with sickles and clubs protesting against mining activities in the southwest attacked police, killing one officer and injuring 15 others. The government in Yunnan province claimed the villagers were gathered at a township government office to express concern that activities at a coal mine could trigger geological disasters. In a statement posted on the government’s official provincial news portal, officials alleged that the villagers had camped out for several days with luggage and cooking utensils and had threatened officials and damaged government property. No word on whether they used their cooking utensils to threaten The Man, but clearly someone was thinking violence if there were sickles involved. Not enough protests these days involve primitive farming equipment, so that was nice to see. According to the official government narrative, police were trying to persuade the villagers to leave when they were attacked and no villagers were hurt. Protestors likely would tell a different story, but they don’t really have a forum and they’re busy sharpening their sickles for their next riot………

Everest experiments, Jets lies and rap conspiracy theories

- New York Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez is either really dumb or just a bad liar, but expecting anyone to believe that he really likes having cult favorite backup quarterback Tim Tebow as a teammate is patently absurd. The Jets acquired Tebow earlier this offseason theoretically to back up Sanchez, play in a “Wildcat” role and get about 20 snaps a game. Every one of Tebow’s former teammates who has spoken about his move to New York has said otherwise and multiple reports have indicated that Tebow wanted to be traded to the Jets because he believes he can beat out Sanchez for the starting job. Still, Sanchez is trying to pretend that all is copasetic and during a paid appearance Thursday night at Westchester Mall in White Plains, he praised Tebow’s effort in the team's offseason conditioning sessions. "He's been as advertised, as good of a guy, if not better, than anybody said," Sanchez said of Tebow. "So, he's been a great addition so far. I'm thrilled to work with him." Of course, “working” together so far has meant working out in the weight room, where the insanely ripped Tebow is undoubtedly putting up massive amounts of weight and making Sanchez look bad. There is nothing more insulting or annoying than lifting with a guy who’s so much stronger than you that you have to take 100 pounds off the bar every time it’s your turn to do a set. In other words, not only is Sanchez lying, but he’s disingenuous as well. Oh, and he knows how to dish out a backhanded compliment as well. "From a competitor standpoint, he's great," Sanchez said. "He's what you want in an offseason program -- working hard, competing with the guy in the weight room. This is a big, strong guy, so it's good for me. Wow. Complimenting a guy by saying he’s “what you want in an offseason program” is in essence saying, “He works out hard, he tries hard, but he’s not that good of a player once you get on the field.” Should be an interesting year ahead for Gang Green………

- Cairo's Tahrir Square had a throwback feel Friday. A massive protest gripped the square much like last Arab Spring, when crowds came en masse to demand the ouster of Hosni Mubarak. This time, the protests were ahead of parliamentary elections and tens of thousands of Egyptians from across the political spectrum turned out at the iconic plaza in unified opposition to remnants of Hosni Mubarak's regime. Various rival factions put their differences aside to come together against military rule and the sight of the Muslim Brotherhood join hands o voice discontent with an electoral process that has disqualified several candidates, including the leader of the Islamist group. Their anger was directed at the Supreme Presidential Electoral Commission, which said this week that it endorsed a previous decision to exclude 10 of 23 candidates from voting scheduled for May 23 and 24 due to "legal irregularities." Alaa Ayad, a campaign spokesman for barred Muslim Brotherhood candidate Khairat el-Shater, called the disqualification a "political decision" and said the party's lawyer will appeal it. "This decision may cause tension on the streets," Ayad said. Some of the bans were truly absurd, like ultra-conservative Hazem Abu Ismael being prohibited from running due to information that his mother holds a U.S. passport, which is against the rules of candidacy. Those barred from the election were part of a diverse group that also included Omar Suleiman, Mubarak's former spy chief, who entered the race at the last minute and failed to gather enough signatures required to be on the ballot. Suleiman's candidacy had been singled out as a move that could galvanize rival political parties to unite against the remaining vestiges of Mubarak’s regime. Either way, next month’s polling will be the nation's first presidential election since Mubarak's ouster in February 2011. The Muslim Brotherhood got the election season off to a strong start by winning nearly half the seats in the first parliamentary elections in November. The elections, regardless of their outcome, will hopefully mark the end of the military control that has existed since Mubarak fell. If the military makes good on its promise to yield power to a civilian government, that is……….

- Was that bad? West Virginia U.S. Senate candidate John Raese does not seem to be asking that question after video of his speech during an April 12 campaign appearance was posted on YouTube and allowed the world to hear him liken his home county’s indoor smoking ban to the tactics of the worst human being in history, Adolf Hitler. In Raese’s mind, requiring stickers on buildings declaring them smoke-free is like how “Hitler used to put a Star of David on everybody’s lapel.” That’s right, this numb nuts likened a genocidal madman wiping out 6 million people and forcing those targeted people to wear a mark essentially condemning them to death to a county marking its buildings as places where addicts to a product that kills millions of people worldwide each year cannot choke down their cancer sticks. Well played, moron. It’s difficult to imagine why the Simon Wiesenthal Center, a n international Jewish human rights group, condemned the remarks. How are anti-smoking laws not exactly like the yellow star that Jews were forced to wear during the Holocaust? For some reason, the Wisenthal Center believes the remark shows ignorance of the horrors inflicted by the Nazis and demonstrates callousness to the millions of Jews they murdered. However, don’t expect Raese to back down – not until he’s publicly excoriated and ridiculed for a few days, then sees his poll numbers plummet like the interest level any time Mitt Romney speaks to a group for more than one minute. Raese defended his statement as “reciting history,” clearly ignoring factors like accuracy, context and appropriate use of historical facts………..

- Where was the volunteer sign-up sheet for this mission?  A team of U.S. scientists embarked Friday on a mission to conduct research on Mount Everest climbers in an attempt to widen their knowledge of the cardiovascular system at extreme altitudes. They hope to use their findings to improve treatment for heart and lung patients and Mayo Clinic cardiovascular diseases consultant Bruce Johnson and his team plan to study a U.S. team that plans to replicate the first 1963 ascent of the mountain by an American group. The 1963 mission featured five Americans summiting the peak, two trekking along the difficult, unknown West Ridge route and the rest traversing the traditional Southeast Ridge route used by New Zealander Sir Edmund Hillary and Sherpa Tenzing Norgay in their pioneering 1953 ascent. In the past six decades, nearly 3,700 people have climbed Mount Everest, the world's highest peak at 29,035 feet, including 15-year-old Jordan Romero, the youngest person ever to summit the tallest peak on all seven continents. "We are interested in lung physiology in high altitude, which is similar to the lung physiology in heart failure patients," Johnson explained. The climbing team arrived at the mountain ahead of the researchers to adjust to the climate and atmosphere. Once Johnson and his crew arrive, each of the nine climbers will be fitted with equipment including a special wrist watch and an arm band that will allow their body to be monitored at a base camp laboratory. With the watch, the researchers will be able to measure the blood oxygen level and with the special armband, they will be able to record energy expenditure and how many calories climbers burn. Adding to their cache of gear, climbers will also be wearing the "Mayo platform," an instrument devised by the clinic that fits in a tiny pocket and measures their cardiovascular activity. Oh, and there are video games too – seriously. Climbers will play specially developed video games to test their cognitive performance, specifically their ability to think at high altitude, where oxygen levels are low. Back at the base camp, Johnson’s team will work out of a dome-shaped tent. Many medical studies have been done at Everest in the past, but Johnson hopes this effort will specifically benefit the work done at the Mayo Clinic. "The study is also very closely associated with the work we do back home with heart patients and patients with lung diseases," he said. Onward and upward, science…………

- The whole Tupac hologram at the Coachella festival may have been unnecessary. According to rap mogul, Tupac friend and conspiracy theory lover Suge Knight, perhaps. During a radio appearance Friday in Los Angeles, Knight espoused a theory that Tupac really faked his death and that the reason why no murderer has ever been caught is because there never was a murder. "Maybe the question is ... Pac's not really dead ... Pac's somewhere else," Knight postulated, adding that no one ever saw the body. He was asked about the topic because he was supposedly with Tupac that night in Las Vegas. Further compounding the mystery in his mind, Knight said that he paid the man who supposedly cremated the body $3 million. “...And next thing I know I never heard from the guy or seen him again ... he retired and left.” For those completely ignorant of hip-hop history, Tupac was killed in a drive-by shooting and Knight was in the car at the time. He was subsequently suspected of having something to do with the shooting, but has denied any connection. Knight is far from the only kook still buying into a Tupac conspiracy theory and there will continue to be plenty of like-minded kooks as long as the mystery of Tupac’s killer continues. If Tupac is alive, then a lot of money was wasted on the hologram of Tupac that debuted at Coachella Sunday. Staged by Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg, the hologram “performed” at the festival and could be headed out on tour as well. How great would it be if the real Tupac, still alive, showed up to perform with his holographic twin…………

Cowell crisis, cheese power and more

- And the blind will see….maybe….eventually. British researchers have discovered a treatment that has helped mice see in the dark and believe that the process could one day restore sight to the blind. Researchers used injections of healthy cells to repair the damaged eyes of rodents and the results were impressive, with small numbers of cells restoring vision up to half of normal levels. While the study is in its early stages, the potential to reverse the effects of age-related macular degeneration - one of the most common forms of blindness – is huge. University College London researchers used healthy rods, which are tiny structures in the back of the eye essential for seeing in dim light, from healthy mice that were one week old and injected them into the eyes of adult mice whose rods didn’t work (insert your own sophomore joke here). Four to six weeks later, the new rods functioned normally and had formed the connections needed to transmit information to the brain. Tests indicated that visual responses in the brains of the mice were enhanced after the procedure. Placed in a dimly lit Y-shaped water maze in which one of two routes led to escape, the untreated mice in the study swam in circles, but treated ones could see the way out. Following treatment, four of nine night-blind mice completed the task in 70 percent of the trials. “Patients who have lost all vision tell me that what they’d really appreciate is a treatment that gives them the ability to see light, to be able to navigate to see the door,” lead researcher Robin Ali said. Although the first clinical trials might be five or 10 years away, Ali and her team sounded an excited tone in an article in the journal Nature. “The results presented here demonstrate for the first time that transplanted rod-photoreceptor precursors can integrate into a dysfunctional adult retina, and, by directly connecting with the host retinal circuitry, truly improve vision,” they wrote in the article. Going forward, scientists will have to determine how many cells can be injected into the retina and how effective they will be in the long term. Potential side effects are also an issue, but let’s try to focus on the positive for once………. 

- Take a long walk to the Grand Canyon, continue past the warning signs about being too close to the edge and keep walking. Either that or go f**k yourself. Both are wise advice for St. Louis Rams defensive coordinator Gregg Williams, suspended indefinitely by the NFL for his role in the New Orleans Saints' bounty program, as he seeks reinstatement into the league. Commissioner Roger Goodell hit Williams with his suspesnion for running and perpetuating the practice paying players to injure opponents and given rumors of similar programs at his previous stops and the number of times the Saints lied to the league about their bounty program, his career seemed very much in jeopardy. It still does, but Williams has already begun the process of working toward being reinstated, according to league sources. His advisers have contacted high-ranking NFL officials to ascertain what he needs to do during his suspension in order to apply for reinstatement. The idea of him being allowed to coach again after presiding over a bounty program and offering monetary rewards for hits that resulted in opponents being carted off the field or knocked out of games is every bit as absurd right now as it was at the time he was suspended. The prognosis went from bad to worse earlier this month when footage leaked of Williams speaking to the Saints before their playoff game last season against the San Francisco 49ers, imploring his players to injure 49ers players and target specific areas of the body. Friends who have spoken with Williams since his suspension have said he is focused on becoming a better person and earning his way back to football. The league could make him speak to high schools and youth leagues about the dangers of excessive violence in football, make him an ambassador promoting player safety and sportsmanship…or simply tell Williams to go f*ck himself for the damage he willfully and deliberately did to its sport. Option C sounds best……….

- Burn, baby, burn. Austerity measures have lit fires under populations across Europe and in response to harsh austerity cuts by the Italian government, a museum in Italy is blazing back – literally. Fittingly on the high holiday for stoners worldwide, the Casoria Contemporary Art Museum in Naples is setting fire to protest the cuts. Museum director Antonio Manfredi kicked off the protest by setting fire to a painting by French artist Severine Bourguignon and promised that the museum will burn three artworks each week as part of its "Art War" campaign. "I have 1,000 artworks from artists around the world, and they're already facing destruction due to the indifference of the government," he proclaimed. "We want the government to pay attention to the country's cultural institutions." Italian Prime Minister Mario Monti has enacted tough austerity measures designed to keep the country from defaulting as it faces mounting debt problems. Like any good artistic soul facing the harsh reality of the real world, Manfredi belives those cuts have hit cultural institutions hard and views the closing of a handful of museums in Rome, Palermo and elsewhere in recent months as a warning sign that his museum could be next. Lest the museum be accused of crimes against art, Manfredi is only burning works with the blessing of their artists. Bourguignon watched the burning of her painting via Skype and artist Rosaria Matarese from Naples set fire to her own sculpture in person at the museum on Wednesday. Other European artists are joining the effort on their own, with Welsh sculptor John Brown burning one of his artworks on YouTube and others planning to do so next week. "Next week the first one is an artist from Austria," Manfredi said. "I hope that the government stops me because this is terrible what I'm doing." The irony is that Manfredi has never received government funding for his museum, so the austerity measures shouldn’t hit the Casoria museum as much. The government has not responded to the protest and Manfredi has vowed to keep it going until they do………….

- Simon Cowell is an asshole. Thus, reports that there has been a falling out between Cowell and ITV, partners on his reality karaoke debacles "Britain's Got Talent" and "The X Factor,” seem believable. Even is Cowell’s spokesman insisted the reports have been blown out of proportion, siding with the chances of ass-hattedness on the part of Grade-A tool like Cowell is simply a solid choice. Yes, his reality karaoke train wrecks draw in plenty of suckers with terrible taste in music and thus pull in lots of advertising income. The rumors of a rift surfaced this week after Tom Bower, whose unauthorized biography of Cowell popped up in the Sun tabloid before landing on store shelves Friday, reported that ITV bosses failed to respect Cowell and properly appreciate what he had done for the channel. Bower claimed the dispute between Cowell and ITV executives was at a “crisis point.” With a multi-year partnership valued at $160 million, staying in business would seem wise for both sides – even if Cowell is single-handedly murdering music as we know it. His publicist, Max Clifford, downplayed any dissent. "Simon and ITV have had a very close and hugely successful relationship for many years," Clifford explained. "Inevitably they don't agree on everything all the time, but the overall situation is as healthy, good and mutually beneficial as it's ever been." The agreement for both shows runs through 2013 and ITV said in a written response that it plans to honor the deal. "We're continuing to work closely with Simon and the production teams to ensure that the shows are the very best they possibly can be," the statement read. So it would seem that "Revenge: The Intimate Life of Simon Cowell” is either trumped up, fabricated or it has spurred the involved parties to band together and keep their drama in house. With ratings for “Britain's Got Talent” lower than expected, unity is wise. Cowell is also coping with rumors of an affair with one of the show’s judges and is reportedly in a tiff with “X-Factor Karaoke” judge Gary Barlow, lead singer for pop band Take That. The acerbic Cowell left the show last year to launch an American version of the debacle. Imagine how important all of this would be if the music created by Cowell’s reality karaoke travesties was good………

- Behold the power of cheese. Specifically, behold the power of cheese to inspire four individuals to concoct a scheme to ship more than 110,000 pounds of contaminated Mexican-style cheese into the United States. The cheese-smuggling operations took place in 2007, but it was just this week that a federal grand jury in Chicago returned a six-count indictment against the four individuals for their role in the plot. While the indictment does not claim that the cheese caused human illnesses or other public health consequences, Patrick J. Fitzgerald, U.S. Attorney for the Northern District of Illinois, pressed ahead with the case over the past five years. Lab analysis of the cheese showed it was adulterated with Salmonella, E. coli and other illness-causing bacteria, meaning it was still a hazard on some level. Fitzgerald alleged a complex conspiracy in which all involved brought specific skills to the table. One defendant owned an Illinois company that imported the dried Mexican cheese to the U.S., while another defendant owned a Wisconsin company with a facility in suburban Elmhurst, Ill. that distributed cheese to customers nationwide. All four defendants in the Great Mexican Cheese Conspiracy are charged with illegally distributing cheese (a real charge, apparently), which came to light when dissatisfied customers returned the product. The defendants allegedly scraped off mold and fungus before selling it and they are also charged with lying to inspectors from the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) by creating and sending the agency false documentation. Retail stores in Illinois, Indiana, Michigan, Georgia and Texas bought the smuggled cheese under the Queso Cincho De Guerrero brand name. It was sold in 35 and 40 pound blocks, which is amazing in and of itself between who the hell needs a 40-pound block of Mexican cheese? The accused conspirators are Baldemar Zurita, 39, of Chicago, his brother Guadalupe Zurita, Miguel Leal, 47 of Monroe, Wis. and Cynthia Gutierrez, 37, of Cicero, Ill. They will stand trial on charges of conspiracy to violate the federal Food, Drug and Cosmetic Act by introducing adulterated cheese into interstate commerce and three counts of violating food safety law. Leal, Gutierrez and Guadalupe Zurita are also charged with obstructing the FDA for allegedly concealing the sale and distribution of 311 boxes of dried Mexican cheese. The lengths these four went to for their scam are amazing, all the way down to (allegedly) obstructing FDA for allegedly making a false bill of lading referencing the 311 boxes and submitting the document to an inspector. So why press forward with the case even though no one was harmed? Because, enforcement of  food safety laws by FDA is "imperative," Fitzgerald said. As long as there is a good reason………

Mobile porn billboards, college athletes like ganja and a new "Mission: Impossible" director

- The good news for fans of the “Mission: Impossible” franchise is that there will be a sequel to “Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol.” The bad news, at least for fans of that particular incarnation of the series, is that “Ghost Protocol” director Brad Bird probably won’t be a part of it. Soon after news broke that Paramount Pictures would be pursuing production of a sequel, Bird made it clear he didn’t like the idea of revisiting the same general concept and presiding over another blockbuster with a massive budget, star-studded cast and colossal expectations. That leaves producers Tom Cruise and J.J. Abrams to find a replacement, which shouldn’t be all that difficult given the franchise’s bankable nature. "I think that one of the things that’s fun about the series is that they always pull in a different director and try to get a different kind of take on the premise. I’d probably be open to looking at it, but I think that part of one of the successes of the franchises is that they’re always reassessing it with a new director,” Bird explained. That was one of the things that attracted me to it. It’s not a franchise where it was about dismissing your style in order to get the style of the franchise. It was more about [having] each director influence the franchise. Because whatever you think about the Mission: Impossible films, they don’t look like they were made by the same person.” Bird’s success with the film involved blending the super-cool vibe Ethan Hunt and Co. always affect on screen, but made the characters seem a bit more real by not having them act like invincible badasses after every nasty stunt or walking away from explosions like they were a party popper going off in the distance. Maybe Cruise and Abrams will find a suitable replacement and under Bird’s theory, that’s exactly what they need…………

- Dammit, this if F*cking ridiculous. The postcard beautiful village of Fucking, Austria is caving to the pressure and changing its name because a few jokesters began making fun of them with phone calls and joke postcards. The power of pranking compelled villagers to vote on a switch and the likely outcome is a return to the 16th century version of the name “Fugging.” The hope is that the name change will end the prank phone calls, which Fucking residents have grown tired of. “The phone calls are really the final straw,” Mayor Franz Meindl admitted. Meindl also pointed out the regular theft of street signs even when extra measures were used to affix them to the ground. Drivers have shared stories of naked couples romping in front of the signs and local businesses have sought to cash in by creating postcards, holiday cards and beer using the town’s name as their chief selling point. The issue came up for a vote in 1996 and villagers smartly decided to keep the name despite problems caused by American servicemen bum-rushing the border from Germany to visit their town and have their picture taken in front of its signs. The name change is just as disappointing  as stadium officials in Bern, Switzerland, who change their name from Wankdorf because performers were not mature enough to play there and not raise objections. The venue’s name was changed to Stade de Suisse after concert dates dried up. The best-known performer to play the venue was Robbie Williams, who took the stage in front of 40,000 fans and asked the crowd: “Is this place really called Wankdorf? What kind of name is that?” Thankfully, the Wankdorf shopping centre next door to the stadium kept its name and so did the Swiss village of Wank. Fucking residents don’t appear to be as bold and their spineless mayor is leading the charge to temerity. “I always wanted the name to stay but it's just got too much now. The only problem is that we need all of the Fucking residents to agree to the name change, everyone needs to agree for it to happen. As you can imagine there are heated discussions about the name change.” And a fine f*cking mess that will be…………

- Cloud computing should make the world a clear, greener place……right? Not if you ask enviro-kooks Greenpeace, who released a report Tuesday claiming that tech companies are leaving a massive trail of pollution caused by dirty energy sources in their race for digital storage dominance. The report accuses some of the world's biggest tech companies of failing miserably in using clean energy for their operations. For the tech-clueless, cloud computing lets users store and access data, programs and more on remote servers, minimizing their need for extra hard drives and computing power right in their hands. However, the process necessitates massive data centers using ginormous quantities of energy 24 hours a day. Greenpeace placed blame on three of the biggest tech companies on the market for their reckless energy practices. "Three of the largest IT companies building their business around the cloud — Amazon, Apple and Microsoft — are all rapidly expanding without adequate regard to source of electricity, and rely heavily on dirty energy to power their clouds," wrote Gary Cook, senior IT policy analyst at Greenpeace International. Those three companies (and others) were singled out in Greenpeace's report for using coal and other fossil fuel energy for their data centers. Amazon received an "F" in three categories: energy transparency, infrastructure siting, and renewables and advocacy. Apple, which launched its iCloud service in October, received three "D" grades and an "F" for infrastructure siting, which is a fancy way of saying where companies choose to locate their data centers. According to the report, Apple gets the highest percentage of its energy from coal among 14 tech companies examined. Both Greenpeace and Apple reportedly told Greenpeace that its numbers were wrong but refused to provide their own data. On the flip side, Greenpeace praised Google, Yahoo and Facebook for their enviro-friendly ways………..

- Want some mobile skank action in your life? The resident of San Francisco’s North Beach neighborhood have been asked that question and many of them have answered with a resounding, “No.” In arguably the most liberal city in America, locals have balked at the presence of a truck with a giant billboard promoting Larry Flynt's Hustler Club. The truck, which doesn’t actually have any naked ladies in it, has been parked in San Francisco's Outer Richmond District when its driver wasn’t making his way around the city to promote the club’s (probably) coke-addicted skanks taking their clothes off for $1 bills. Its presence not far from a library and just up the street from a school drew the ire of Supervisor Eric Mar, previously known for his crusade against the inclusion of toys in Happy Meals because he believed they promoted unhealthy foods to impressionable children. Mar’s new target is the mobile porn billboard/truck, which features photos of scantily clad women and sports a plastic-covered cutout through which a stripper pole is visible. The truck circulates around the city on Friday and Saturday nights to lure people to the North Beach Hustler club. For the rest of the week, it sits near the intersection 37th Avenue and Balboa Street because the driver lives nearby. Mar responded by having the truck towed for expired tags, but it soon returned. He followed up by placing calls to police and city officials, pointing out there's an ordinance that prevents commercial vehicles with advertisements from parking on city streets. His crusade seems to have worked because Mar says he has received a promise from the Hustler Club to keep it out of the neighborhood entirely. "We just want it out of our neighborhood," Mar proclaimed. When asked about the truck, club officials declined comment and to make sure there are no similar occurrences, Mar intends to draft a new policy that would prevent such trucks from parking in suburban neighborhoods. "Families were saying, 'What the hell is this thing?' It just popped up ... It's almost like it belongs on the Las Vegas Strip as opposed to a residential street," Mar said. How great is it that this guy is defending families and children and depicting them as asking, “What the hell is this thing?” Well done, Mar……….

- News flash: College students like to smoke pot. Bigger news flash: College student-athletes are also huge fans of the ganja. For some reason, a fact of life that has been present for decades is suddenly breaking news in college football, where a report this week estimated 40 to 60 percent of the football team at the University of Oregon smoke the hippie lettuce. The story, which is part of a larger report examining the use of chron by college football players, is based on interviews with 19 current or former Oregon players and officials. When confronted by the story Oregon athletic director Rob Mullens said the school works diligently to address possible illegal substance use by student-athletes and tests student-athletes to the full extent possible under Oregon state law, which prohibits random drug tests. University policy allows for testing only when there is a "reasonable suspicion." The uproar over the issue is hilarious on several levels, not the least of which is the amount of dorm rooms and off-campus apartments stocked with bongs, dime bags and other marijuana paraphernalia. "We continue to work diligently to educate our student-athletes on the harmful impact of illegal substances. In addition, we have articulated our illegal substances policy to our student-athletes and have clearly defined sanctions for a positive test," Mullens said in a written statement. Under the school’s policy, athletes receive counseling and education following their first positive drug test. A second positive test precipitates a "behavior modification contract" between the student and the coach and in the event of a third failed test, an athlete is ineligible for half of a season. Stoners who can’t cheat their way to a clean test and pop positive for a fourth time will be dismissed from the team and lose their scholarship. In other shocking news, water is wet and fire is hot………..

Aregentina v. the world, fake dinosaur eggs and hockey violence

- Who doesn’t go to a bar to spend time with a higher power? So why is there such an uproar over a collection of old Catholic relics on display at Ale Mary’s Tavern in Baltimore? In fact, there’s such an uproar that the bar’s owners are receiving death threats. For those unfamiliar with the dive bar scene in Baltimore, Ale Mary’s in the Fells Point neighborhood is a place where customers can enjoy Resurrection Beer in a chalice, eat a Sinners & Saints Sandwich and enjoy some relics of the Catholic Church right beside them on the bar. The relics aren't leftovers from the building’s previous owners and current owner Tom Rivers readily concedes that he placed them on the bar intentionally. However, he insists the items are all in jest. “We got a little tongue and cheek thing going on but we’re not doing exorcisms. We’re not doing anything crazy,” Rivers said. Crazy, as anyone who has ever dated Britney Spears can affirm, is in the eye of the person brave enough to get close to it. A few weeks ago, Rivers began receiving negative feedback over the items and the drama morphed into a full-fledged controversy when some of the offended parties did what everyone who has a beef does these days, namely create a Facebook page to b*tch and complain. On the Facebook page, these complainers have blasted the bar and demanded that Rivers return the relics to the church. The only problem is that the items didn’t come from a church. “These aren’t holy items. I didn’t run down to St. Sebastian’s and steal a chalice off of the altar,” he said. Instead, the chalice, the crucifixes and the nun statues were all given to him by customers. That explanation has done nothing to placate outraged loudmouths who have gone Biblical in their threats against Rivers and his business: “Stay awake. You know not the time or day,” one email read. Some of the messages have come from as far away as Minnesota and Florida, so Rivers isn't especially concerned. A pro-Ale Mary’s Facebook page has also sprung up and those against the bar are planning a rally in front of the business on Saturday and Rivers says he doesn’t mind. Good to know at least one party can handle this situation responsibly………….


- A likely story, Chechnya, a likely story. Announcing you’ve discovered an unprecedented stash of giant fossilized dinosaur eggs is a dubious claim. To further examine this questionable story, let’s venture to a remote mountainous area of the North Caucasus region and ask some tough questions of the Chechen state university. University researchers uploaded photos of the egg-shaped protrusions on a rock face discovered in the region's south on its website and quickly hailed them as a "sensational find." Russia’s main news channels showed the remote site Tuesday and acted like it was the end of the Cold War all over again. "The discovery is sensational not only for our republic, but because of the size of the eggs some of which measure as long as 40 inches,” the university said. "There have never been such large (eggs) in the world." Russian state television aired footage scientists climbing on a rocky mountainside chipping samples off the rock formations in a scene that seemed oddly contrived and possibly staged. In defense of Chechnya, luring tourists to a war-torn republic plagued by rampant corruption isn't easy. Just saying you’re a destination site for lavish sports and entertainment events and announcing plans for a large ski resort will only go so far. You need giant dinosaur eggs to finish the sell job, even if a paleontologist in Moscow immediately questions the authenticity of the reported discovery. "Unfortunately, it's not true. Dinosaurs laid small eggs," said Valentina Nazarova of the Moscow State University. Buzzkill Nazarova piled on by speculating that dinosaurs probably never lived in the mountainous North Caucasus. "Dinosaurs didn't lay eggs while jumping about like mountain goats," she said. "If they want to create a legend for tourists, they should have said the eggs were laid by a mythical Roc bird," she said, alluding to a giant bird featured in the Arabian Nights tales……….


- The first round of the NHL playoffs has been especially violent this year. Yes, hockey is violent by its very nature, but the playoffs so far have been filled with cheap shots, dirty hits and fights involving guys who normally don’t drop gloves and go at it. Perhaps no single incident embodies this trend more than the über-violent hit by Phoenix Coyotes forward Raffi Torres on Chicago Blackhawks winger Marian Hossa in Game 3 of their series Tuesday night. No penalty was called on the play, which took place at 11:51 in the first period of Tuesday's Game 3 in their opening-playoff series, but Torres has been suspended indefinitely by the league for leaving his feet and delivering a massive shot to Hossa’s head after the puck was long past the two of them. Hossa was immobilized and taken off the ice on a stretcher and although he was released from the hospital late Tuesday night, the reaction to the hit has been very pointed and divided. Coyotes broadcaster Tyson Nash knows full well how angry fans are, as the former NHL player says he's received death threats after saying the shot was "as clean of a hit as you're going to get." The league clearly disagrees and so do Blackhawks fans, who would seem the most likely suspects for issuing death threats to an opposing team’s broadcaster whose call of the play they probably didn’t even hear when it happened. "You have to love the Twitter world," Nash said. "I had a few people mentioning they'll be meeting me for breakfast, so we'll see how that goes." Unfortunately for Blackhawks fans, not only did Torres obliterate Hosa, but the Coyotes won 3-2 in overtime and lead the series 2-1. Game 4 is Thursday night in Chicago. Torres will not return to the ice until after his hearing with league officials and even then, will undoubtedly miss several more games if not the rest of the postseason. Nash admitted that he didn’t see a good angle on the play until well after it happened and admitted after Blackhawks announcer Eddie Olczyk brought him into the home television booth and showed him a replay, he changed his point of view. "I wish I didn't say what I said," Nash said. "You have to pick more of a middle ground. When you see Hossa lying there longer and longer, you say, 'Oh jeez, let's really take a closer look at this.' I thought he was going to get right back up. Obviously that wasn't the case." Inaccurate analysis or not, Blackhawks fans need to get some perspective on life and stop threatening the lives of anyone because of a hockey game…………


- The weather is warming up and with the return of flowers, greenery and nicer weather comes the return of the kooky, unwashed masses who comprise the Occupy movement. Last time we heard from most of these kooks, they were dressing like zombies, holding signs and clashing with cops who tried to clear them out of the parks where they were squatting. But with a new year comes a need for a new approach and in a huge credit to the movement, Occupy members seem to have settled on a tactic much better suited to their collective skill set. In short, demonstrators are using sleep to get their points across and in an oh, so clever wordplay, they are calling it "sleepful protest." Sleeping bags started appearing on the corner of Wall and Broad streets across from the New York Stock Exchange on April 9 and a court ruling from 2000 in which a federal district court judge said people can sleep on sidewalks as a form of political expression as long as they take up no more than half of the sidewalk and don't block any doors. Armed with rulers and sleeping bags, Occupiers have made good on promises by organizers that the movement would make a comeback in the spring. City and state governments have vowed to be ready and prevent demonstrations with new ordinances aimed at the Occupy movements. However, New York has always been the epicenter of the movement and for the past few nights, dozens of Occupy Wall Street protesters have slept on a patch of concrete a long Derek Jeter relay throw from the stock exchange. "The goal here is to not violate the law and not give the police a reason to move the group," said Occupier Ted Schulman. Schulman and his fellow unshaven, unshowered sidewalk dwellers spend their mornings talking about income inequality and the role of big money in politics as commuters pass by on their way to jobs in the Financial District. Those white-collar workers treat the protestors with indifference and don’t give them a second look. "They just don't understand how things work," said Wayne Kaufman, chief market analyst at John Thomas Financial. "They have fantasy ideas." Police have intervened only to force the protesters to move so the sidewalk could be cleaned and to arrest a few who caused problems. So-called sleepful protests also occurred in Washington, Atlanta, Boston and Los Angeles……………


- It’s Argentina v. the world and President Cristina Fernandez’s administration is not backing down. A government takeover Argentina's top energy company from Spain's Repsol has put the Argentine government opposite Spain and its allies in a battle sure to get uglier because of how much money is on the line. Supporters have argued that the move will solve the country's short-term energy needs and these individuals still blame privatizations for their economy's collapse a decade ago. Lining up beside Spain on the issue are potential investors who will now think twice before pouring money into Argentina. Fernandez decreed that her government will recover YPF by expropriating Repsol's majority stake in the company. Having already nationalized Argentina's flagship airline and private pension funds, she explained that the moves are a concerted effort to recover her country's sovereignty. To further justify her case, Fernandez argued that Repsol attempted to spark an energy crisis by exporting too much of Argentina's oil and failing to invest locally even as it paid huge dividends abroad. Re-nationalizing YPF could be a shameless ploy to boost the president’s popularity ratings, which dropped from 70 percent in January to 50 percent in April. That will happen when your vice president is at the heart of a scandal, inflation skyrockets and utility and transportation subsidies plummet. Analysts warned of serious repercussions, but Fernandez remained staunch. The Argentine government has been pressuring YPF for months to increase its Argentine oil and gas production, to no avail. Allegations of broken contracts have been made, although YPF has denied them. Government officials insisted the move was short-term and claimed that many energy companies had expressed interest in replacing Repsol. Repsol President Antonio Brufau retaliated by accusing Fernandez of trying to cover up Argentina's economic and social ills with the "unlawful" expropriation. Repsol plans to seek damages in the amount of $10.5 billion over the takeover, Brufau insisted. Spanish Prime Minister Mariano Rajoy warned that the move "greatly affects the international reputation of Argentina" during a speech at a World Economic Forum meeting in Mexico.………….

Bunga bunga fun, stadium battles and salty food champions

- Silvio Berlusconi may not be the man you want running your country, but he’s damn sure the prime minister you want to party with. The more details that emerge from Berlusconi's time in power as he is on trial for paying for sex with an underage nightclub dancer and abusing his powers by getting police to release his underage hooker/lover from jail when she was arrested for stealing, the more awesome the narrative becomes. Hearing about the former prime minister’s "bunga bunga" parties has been extremely entertaining thus far, but the scene at the Milan courthouse where Berlusconi is under the microscope of justice jumped up a notch Monday when a witness claimed strippers dressed as nuns performed for the former Italian prime minister at a party. Model Imane Fadil also alleged that she had been given 2,000 euros ($2,614) by Berlusconi the first time she attended a “bunga bunga” party. On that first night, Fadil said she saw two young women in nun costumes stripping for the prime minister. Making the story even better, the women weren’t necessarily strippers plying their trade. One of those Fadil allegedly saw was Nicole Minetti, now a regional councilor for Berlusconi's People of Freedom party in Milan. As Fadil told the story, Minetti and the other woman dressed as a nun stayed the night at the villa and they were paid for sex like all of the other women who attended the parties. Berlusconi's lawyer, Niccolo Ghedini, offered the weak excuse that the payments were merely a sign of Berlusconi’s "usual generosity." That unusual generosity has landed him in the defendant’s chair in not one, not two, but three ongoing trials. The other two relate to tax fraud and violating official secrets. Life would be even more stressful had an Italian court not thrown out a fourth case relating to bribery claims earlier this year. And oh yeah, the underage hooker Berlusconi allegedly paid for sex, Moroccan-born Karima el-Mahroug, has the nickname Ruby The Heart Stealer………….


- When people are paying absurd amounts of money to attend a music festival and throwing down $10 for a personal pan pizza and $8.50 for a 12 oz. beer once inside, they had damn sure better see something special on stage. Attendees at the Coachella Valley Music & Arts Festival in California over the weekend saw exactly that, with Snoop Dogg taking the stage and bringing an unexpected friend with him. Tupac Shakur, with whom Snoop sided with in the East Coast v. West Coast rap battle of the ‘90s, has been dead since 1996, when he was fatally shot. That would theoretically make it difficult for him to appear at Coachella in 2012, but Tupac was part of the show for Snoop Saturday night. Using a high-powered hologram created by Digital Domain Media Group, Inc., Snoop was able to work Tupac into his set. Dr. Dre was in on the shoe was well and both artists’ representatives have declined to comment on the hologram so far. However, reports have suggested that Dr. Dre's production team first approached Digital Domain a year ago about creating a virtual Tupac and some time around the start of the new year, Digital Domain began targeting Coachella as the debut for their new gadget. "This is just the beginning," Digital Domain's chief creative officer, Ed Ulbrich. "[Dr.] Dre has a massive vision for this." Video from the performance has already gone viral and led to speculation of whether the hologram could work for a tour. Making that dream a reality has to do with more than production issues and costs. No one knew the hologram was coming at Coachella, but will people still want to see it once the novelty wears off…………


- Meth heads are a drain on society. They are generally the “white trash” (not always white, of course) segment of the populace and even in the drug world, they are the lowest rung on the ladder. Worse still, their labs are always exploding and causing loads of trouble for emergency personnel and those tasked with cleaning up after them. One Ohio city has had just about enough of its meth-related issues and city officials in Akron are looking to tackle the issue head-on. The city council passed legislation at its meeting Monday night that requires property owners to pay for the law enforcement cost of cleaning up a methamphetamine lab. Several smaller communities in the area have passed similar ordinances, but Akron is the largest in the area so far. The cost of meth lab cleanups has become a bigger issue for cities and towns of all sizes because federal funding previously helped with those expenses dried up in February 2011. Akron will now force property owners to pay, to the tune of up to $1,200 for the first offense. For subsequent offenses, there is no limit. “We want to equip them [the police] with as many tools as we can,” said council member Jeff Fusco, who worked on the legislation with fellow council member Garry Moneypenny, a retired chief deputy of the Summit County Sheriff’s Office. And what’s a better tool than forcing someone who won't evict a meth head and their mobile home from a property to pay for all cleanup costs when that meth lab on wheels blows up? Of course, if the meth head in question also owns the property, it’s going to be awfully difficult for them to pay for cleanup costs when they’re in jail and their means of earning an income have been eliminated by an unfortunate meth lab explosion. If billed for a cleanup under the new law Akron property owners will have the right to appeal to the police chief. Council members explained that the bill will specifically pertain to the cost of personnel to dismantle the lab and the equipment/materials that are used. “We shouldn’t be passing this cost on to taxpayers,” Moneypenny said. For the non-meth head segment of society, meth is a drug made by cooking ingredients including over-the-counter medications, thus making it the drug of choice for lowlifes looking to manufacture and sell something illegal. Unfortunately, the process creates dangerous chemical residues that can seep into walls and carpeting and make a 600-sq.-foot home or mobile home go boom. The cost of that boom will now be placed on the shoulders of those responsible for it………


- It’s been a bad week for struggling small-market professional sports franchises that believed they had deals for new stadiums in place. First, the Sacramento Kings’ agreement for a new arena to keep the team from moving to Anaheim and depriving California’s capital city of its NBA team fell through. The Kings seem destined to leave with team ownership and city officials trading verbal haymakers and fans are caught in the middle. Maybe those embattled fans can seek support from Minnesota Vikings fans, who saw their hopes of keeping their team in town long term dealt a serious blow when a Minnesota House committee voted down the Vikings stadium bill Monday night. The vote was a crippling shot to the team's decade-long effort to secure a taxpayer subsidy for a replacement to the aging Metrodome. The House Government Operations Committee rejected the stadium proposal by a 9-6 margin after a four-hour hearing on the bill. The defeat makes it t extremely unlikely the bill could be revived in the remaining weeks of a legislative session expected to wrap up before the end of April. "Somebody's going to have to pull a rabbit out of a hat for this thing to be alive at this point," said Rep. Morrie Lanning, the chief House sponsor of the $975 million stadium plan. Lester Bagley, the Vikings' point man for the bill in the legislature, sounded a defeated note when asked about the result. "I guess I would ask the state, what else would you expect us to do? What else can we do?" he said. Gov. Mark Dayton has been a vocal supporter of the stadium proposal, but his support seems to have had little impact. Dayton attempted to rally support by insisting he has "no doubt" a funding proposal will prevail in 2013. The Vikings plan to continue their push for funding while the legislature remains in session, but the proposal is on life support. Had it passed, the plan would have split the tab for a stadium three ways: $398 million from the state from taxes on expanded gambling, $150 million from the city of Minneapolis from existing sales taxes and $427 million from the Vikings. Instead, it was rejected by committee members who questioned whether it was a fair deal for taxpayers. "How do we as representatives of public taxpayers, how do we know we're getting a good deal?" asked Rep. Ryan Winkler, DFL-Golden Valley. It’s a fair point, even if it means the Vikings have no lease tying them to Minnesota beyond the 2012 season……..


- The United States reigns supreme once more and if the U.S. is topping the world in any category, the odds that unhealthy eating and/or obesity is involved are high. Sure enough, the latest title belt coming America’s way is for the saltiest fast food. Research conducted by Canadian scientists showed that while salt content among popular fast food items varies by country for six of the most popular fast food chains in the world, fast food in the U.S. tends to be the saltiest. For example, salt concentrations are 2.5 times higher in U.S. "Chicken McNuggets" than in their British counterparts, according to a study conduced by Dr. Norman Campbell, professor of medicine at the University of Calgary. "We saw marked variability in the reported salt content of products provided by major transnational fast food companies,” Campbell wrote in the study. He and his team collected salt content data from fast food chains Domino's Pizza, Kentucky Fried Chicken, McDonald's, Pizza Hut, Subway and Burger King restaurants that were operating in Australia, Canada, France, New Zealand, the U.K. and U.S. They compared the salt content for seven types of food: savory breakfast items, burgers, chicken products, pizza, salads, sandwiches and of course, french fries. Items served in the U.K. had the lowest salt levels, while fast food in the U.S. had the highest. Even for supposedly healthier options like a Subway "Club Sandwich," American versions of a given item were twice as salty as counterparts in France and the U.K. Campbell theorized that the overall low salt levels in the U.K. may be "a consequence of industry's active participation in salt reduction efforts in that country." The noteworthy idea to emerge from the study is the hypothesis that cutting salt levels in food could have as much of an impact as a person stopping their smoking habit. "Recent estimates suggest that the numbers of deaths averted by moderate reductions in population salt consumption would be at least as many as those achieved by plausible reductions in population smoking rates," the researchers wrote. Their position is that fast food chains should reduce salt levels gradually so consumers can adjust and not have to quit cold turkey. Predictably, a McDonald’s spokesperson attempted to minimize the findings and suggested the issue was not as severe as portrayed. Either way, read all about it in the April 16 issue of the Canadian Medical Association Journal……….

"Twilight" breaking news, angry NBA billionaires and the beauty of a constitutional monarchy

- Anyone watching the Dallas Mavericks’ 112-108 overtime loss Sunday to the Los Angeles Lakers could see it coming. Vociferous Mavericks owner Mark Cuban was lurking in the expensive seats near his team’s bench, rubbing elbows with the Hollywood elite and visibly perturbed when calls went against the Mavs. One call in particular rankled the eccentric owner, when Lakers forward Matt Barnes appeared to touch a Pau Gasol 3-point attempt from the corner as it neared the cylinder with 3:49 to go in overtime. Barnes' hands then came down on the rim and in the surest sign that a player has done something he shouldn’t have, he and Gasol both threw their arms in the air to suggest that Barnes did not make contact. The referees ruled the basket good and it gave the Lakers a 103-101 lead. It took Cuban about two minutes after the game ended to begin lobbying the league to immediately begin making basket interference situations in the final two minutes of regulation and overtime reviewable. “Any potential basket interference in the last two minutes of a game or overtime should be reviewed," Cuban said he wrote in his email to the league. "I didn't bring up that play up at all. You've got to make that reviewable. You have to ask them to change the rule.” Under the current rules, such plays cannot be reviewed. Further raising Cuban’s ire, he claimed that Barnes acknowledged to him on the court that he did touch the ball. Mavs coach Rick Carlisle supported his owner’s point of view. "He touched the ball, it's clear on video," Carlisle said. "It's a missed offensive interference call and we should have maintained a one-point lead at that point." The two teams traded the lead after the disputed play before the Lakers took control and earned a four-game regular-season sweep of the team that swept them out of the playoffs last year. Cuban realizes any rule change is unlikely to happen this season and has his sights set on the offseason. "They could (change it now)," Cuban said. "They won't, but they'll probably change it this summer." It’s good to know that there are places in the world where even billionaires can’t immediately buy the justice they seek…………


- Verizon deserves a lot of credit. The cell service provider has found another way to extort money from its customers and for that, the suits at Verizon deserve credit. Beginning on April 22, Verizon will institute a $30 upgrade fee for existing customers who purchase new phones with a two-year contract. Any Verizon customer signing up for a new two-year plan and receiving a discounted device will have to pay the fee, although early upgraders who pay the full price of a new phone would not be impacted. How does Verizon justify the fee? "This fee will help us continue to provide customers with the level of service and support they have come to expect," said Brenda Raney, spokeswoman for Verizon. In other words, the cost of everything is going up, we’re damn sure not going to cut salaries or expenses on our end and so of course the customers are going to be the ones to pay. In Verizon’s defense, the always-popular “everyone else is doing it” defense works because all of the other major national carriers charge an upgrade fee. T-Mobile charges $18 for upgrades, while Sprint and AT&T recently doubled their fees to $36. All carriers are feeling the pinch from significant smartphone subsidies, particularly from Apple's iPhone. Mix in the decline of voice minutes in favor of texts and average revenue per smartphone user has declined $10 in the past two years. Customers are more likely to change providers and according to a recent survey, switch carriers an average of every four years. At the same time, smartphone customers are using more and more data, meaning carriers must spend tens of billions of dollars each year building out new network infrastructure to handle the growing traffic load. That leaves carriers scrambling frantically to find new methods to keep profits rising and thus, customers are going to pay through the nose. To make sure that happens, AT&T, Verizon and Sprint have doubled their early termination over the past two years and AT&T canceled its lower-tier texting plans in August. Simply put, business as usual…………..


- Constitutional monarchies are awesome. Spain's King Juan Carlos I may not feel that way at the moment, but a hybrid between the sort of citizen involvement in a democracy while maintaining the regal fun of a king or queen is always nice. Life isn't so stellar for Juan Carlos at the moment on account of the Spanish media excoriating him for hunting elephants in Botswana while his country is being sucked back into the eurozone's financial crisis. The cost of his trip is the issue, not the supposed cruelty to animals that becomes an issue with the kooks of PETA and time someone tries to shoot a precious little animal. Media members have also criticized the lack of transparency of the Royal Household because it has not followed through on a promise made three months ago to disclose its income following a corruption probe linked to the king's son-in-law. For some reason, the king taking a secret trip that only came to light because the king tripped on a step, fractured his hip and had to be flown back urgently to Madrid to undergo hip replacement surgery on Saturday morning. That seemed inherently contradictory to his Christmas message in which he called on Spanish leaders to set a good example. More recently, he claimed to regularly have difficulty sleeping because of concern about Spain's youth unemployment problem. With such pressing economic issues, canceling his regular weekly meeting with prime minister Mariano Rajoy because he was already out of the country and en route to Botswana seemed to many a bit irresponsible. Media outlets blasted away with a picture of the king in front of a dead elephant, taken on a similar trip to Botswana in 2006. The anger toward politicians in Spain has risen sharply in recent months and Rajoy is extremely unpopular after his government announced deep spending cuts and health and education reforms to fight the sovereign debt crisis. Maybe a quality elephant kill by the king would boost the national spirit……….


- Are exploding buses a problem? For the drivers of Ride-On buses in Montgomery County, Md., they are an issue and the union representing those drivers they are THE issue at the moment. The union is threatening to sue the county to get what it considers dangerous and unsafe buses off the road after six of the vehicles have caught fire in the county in recent years. While relatively small at less than 30 feet long and a front that looks like the front of a truck instead of the flat front seen on larger buses, these magical incinerating buses are much like a party bus. They are also a threat to burst into a giant ball of flame and that has the union worried about workplace safety. "Our biggest concern is the safety of the passengers and the driver. In a fire like this, they go up very quickly,” union official Frank Beckham explained. “If we have a wheelchair passenger on the bus at the time of a fire, it takes about three to five minutes to load and unload a wheelchair passenger and we're afraid that, if the driver can't get him off, he may lose the passenger and his own life trying to save someone of the public. Drivers have also expressed trepidation about the buses and driver Nelvin Ransome recalled a tale told to him by one of the drivers whose bus had gone up in flames. "I talked to one of the (bus drivers) of the last vehicle that we had burn. He told me that he had stepped off the vehicle, called his supervisor, told him that the bus is on fire, to dispatch 911, and he said there was so much smoke and flame that he couldn't even get back in the bus to grab a fire extinguisher to fight the fire,” Ransome said. In a development that should make the union feel better, the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration has begun an investigation of the bus fires. Montgomery County officials have not commented publicly on the issue yet…………


- Bad news, “Twilight” fans. You may have to wait a little while longer for your first look at your favorite hunky teen vampires. “Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2 director” Bill Condon admitted over the weekend that the cast and crew of the final installment of the cheesy, poorly acted franchise that has teenage girls around the world swooning will reconvene in Vancouver in the coming weeks to re-shoot vital scenes. Condon broke the news on the movie's official Facebook page, writing, “A film is a lot like a puzzle, with each piece - each shot, no matter how brief - needing to fit exactly with the ones around it. Our Part Two puzzle is finally coming into full view, and in a few weeks we'll be heading back north to pick up some additional shots - the last tiny missing pieces.” Hmm…..cryptic, mysterious and striking just the right note. Condon never explained exactly what will be re-shot, but did say that the cast and crew won't be shooting any new scenes or dialogue. However, the re-shoots won't be a total mystery. Lord knows it can’t be to fix the terrible acting because the odds of Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart picking up any actual skills in that department in the time since the original scenes were shot are somewhere near the odds of Carrot Top hosting the Oscars next year. Condon also directed the first half of “Breaking Dawn” and encouraged the delusional, dignity-free kooks who live and die with every new detail about the franchise to look for a new trailer soon, to be followed soon thereafter by the first official poster for the movie. “Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2” is scheduled to drop worldwide on Nov. 16 and it is sure to a) make hundreds of millions of dollars and b) feautre some truly terrible acting………….

American pride in Colombia, abandoning UConn basketball and movie news

- U.S.A.! U.S.A.! Coming on the heels of one of the proudest days in the history of this great nation a couple weeks back when the heroes of the U.S. men’s soccer team failied to qualify for this summer’s Olympics in London in a sport we could not care less about, a group of Secret Service agents and officers sent to Colombia ahead of a visit by President Barack Obama have upped the ol’ Pride-O-Meter once more. What makes Americans prouder than seeing those representing their government and country abroad sent home in a scandal involving hookers, failure to pay said hookers and the sort of general debauchery that we all know and love? Big ups to the Secret Service agents sent home Saturday amid allegations of misconduct that involved prostitution. According to government sources, approximately a dozen Secret Service members are being investigated over allegations that they brought back several prostitutes to the Hotel Caribe in Cartagena and then refused to pay for the, um, services they received. An additional five service members assigned to support the Secret Service in its assignment have been "confined to quarters" in Colombia for violating curfew and possibly being “involved in inappropriate conduct" at the same hotel. All of those involved in whatever the hell this turns out to be were in Colombia for the sixth Summit of the Americas, where the president was to focus on trade, energy and regional security. Now, he’ll also have plenty of questions to answer about why his Secret Service agents don’t pay their hookers, although none of the agents or officers being investigated was part of the president's personal protective detail. While the leader of the command overseeing the mission, Gen. Douglas Fraser, said he is "disappointed by the entire incident and that this behavior is not in keeping with the professional standards expected of members of the United States military," Gen. Foster clearly doesn’t get it. How could every last American not be proud when at least one Secret Service member brings a hooker back to his hotel room and refuses to pay? Of course, the über-conservative Secret Service relieved the accused agents of duty Thursday over "allegations of misconduct." Maybe the Secret Service simply doesn’t realize that prostitution is legal in certain areas of Colombia, or maybe the agency can't get past its own conduct code. Either way, the world has another reason to love the ol’ U.S. of A………….


- Last one out the door for the University of Connecticut men’s basketball program, turn out the lights. After the Huskies stumbled through this past season, lost in the opening round of the NCAA Tournament and received the final verdict on their appeal of a tournament ban for next season, players are bailing on coach Jim Calhoun’s program is rapid-fire fashion. The NCAA ruled against UConn’s appeal of a one-year ban from the tournament, to be served next season, over its failure to meet the organization’s standards for academics and graduation rates. The ink on that decision hadn't even dried when UConn's leading scorer, sophomore Jeremy Lamb, announced he would leave school and enter the NBA draft. Within a few days, center Andre Drummond said he too has declared for the NBA draft after a single season of college basketball. With its two best players already gone, the program was dealt another blow Friday when forward Alex Oriakhi announced that he will transfer to Missouri. The 6-foot-9, 245-pound junior has one year of eligibility and can play immediately because UConn is banned from next season's tournament due to several years of below-standard Academic Progress Rate scores. Oriakhi had plenty of options to transfer and chose Missouri over Kentucky, Xavier, Duke and North Carolina. "This is where I wanted to go from the beginning. It was just a matter of me visiting," he explained. It’s a sweet deal for him, as he was part of the team that won the 2011 national championship at UConn and can now jump ship and chase a title elsewhere because UConn can't do an adequate job of getting its players to graduate. Oriakhi also played with Missouri point guard Phil Pressey when the two were growing up in the Boston area. Oddly, it seems like a lot of players are leaving UConn because they can't play in the postseason next year and not for academic reasons, which are the very reason they’re banned from the NCAA Tournament next year………….


- Redundancy reigns at the box office once more. “The Hunger Games” scored its fourth win in four weeks of release, beating back the competition with a $21.5 million effort that is its lowest yet. Still, the haul pushed the film to $337 million in domestic earnings so far. Newcomer “The Three Stooges” was second despite a huge promotional push, raking in $17 million in its debut. Another new film, horror flick “The Cabin in the Woods,” ranked third for the weekend with a debut effort of $14.9 million. The resurfacing “Titanic (3D)” tortured moviegoers with four more unwatchable hours of crap to the tune of $11.6 million for a fourth-place finish and has made $44.4 million in two weeks of re-release. “American Reunion” continued to underwhelm with a fifth-place finish and $10.7 million take, giving it $39.9 million in two weeks in theaters. “Mirror Mirror” continued to struggle struggle in its third weekend of release, making a mere $7 million, finishing sixth and upping its cumulative total to a paltry $49.4 million. “Wrath of the Titans” dropped three spots to seventh with $6.9 million and has made $71.2 million so far. “21 Jump Street” was eighth on the strength of its $6.8 million weekend and has brought in $120.5 million in domestic earnings to date. Perhaps no film disappointed as much in its debut this weekend as the Guy Pearce-led “Lockout,” which made a measly $6.2 million and ranked ninth in its opening weekend. Even with a modest $20 million budget, that result is disappointing. “Dr. Seuss' The Lorax” rounded out the top 10 with $3 million, while “Salmon Fishing in the Yemen” (No. 12) and “John Carter” (No. 18) dropped out of the top 10 from last week……….


- Men, feel free to start fist-bumping and chest-bumping one another and cracking open a cold one because as it turns out, doing so makes you smarter. Courtesy of the smart minds in lab coats at the University of Illinois in Chicago comes research showing that men with a couple beers in their system are actually better at solving puzzles and problems involving cognitive reasoning. Their find came from a bar game in which 40 men were given three words and told to come up with a fourth that fits the pattern. They were asked to match words like “cheese” with a partnering word like “blue” or “cottage” or “Swiss.” In a study for which it was probably not difficult to find volunteers, half of the players were given two pints of beer, while the other half had to do the challenge sober. Oddly enough, the ones who had a good buzz working solved 40 percent more of the problems that their sober counterparts. Better still for those looking for any excuse to get drunk, the drinkers finished their problems in 12 seconds while it took the non-drinkers 15.5 seconds. “We found at 0.07 blood alcohol, people were worse at working memory tasks, but they were better at creative problem-solving tasks,” lead researcher Jennifer Wiley said. “We have this assumption, that being able to focus on one part of a problem or having a lot of expertise is better for problem solving. But that’s not necessarily true. Innovation may happen when people are not so focused. Sometimes it’s good to be distracted.” Notorious literary lush Ernest Hemingway would be thrilled at that revelation if he were around to hear it and it may go a long way toward explaining why he was able to not only function, but pen some great stories while on a lifelong bender. Thankfully, there are plenty of dudes who are still living that can benefit from this discovery……………


- Don’t do it, Russian opposition candidate Oleg Shein! Being on hunger strike in south Russia’s city of Astrakhan over the alleged voting fraud at the local mayoral elections is a bold move, but agreeing to travel to Moscow to meet with the Russian election chief is a foolish one. Shein, A Just Russia party member, has led a number of supporter in a hunger strike since March 16 in a protest against allegedly rigged Astrakhan mayoral elections where he was outrun by Mikhail Stolyarov, a candidate from the ruling United Russia party. Allegations of fraud against newly elected dictator/President Vladimir Putin on a national scale have drawn plenty of attention, but the fraud was apparently perpetrated on a local level as well. Shein hinted Saturday that he may travel to Moscow to meet with Vladimir Churov, head of Russia’s Central Election Commission, to discuss the alleged voting fraud at the Astrakhan mayoral elections. Churov suggested on Thursday that he would agree to view webcam footage of alleged fraud at polling stations in Astrakhan if Shein called off his hunger strike and came to Moscow to watch the footage. The trip would be a horrible mistake for Shein because Lord knows what Gulag he’ll end up in after arriving in Moscow. Siberia is just one long train ride away for all who oppose the Kremlin and Shein has done so in very public fashion for a month. Shein hesitated to make the trip because he wanted doctors to examine his health condition so that he could decide on whether he was able to travel, but they should also determine his sanity before he departs as well. Sitting down with one of Putin’s cronies is likely to be the last thing any opposition member does and if Shein is never heard from again, at least we’ll know why……….

Daydreaming Knicks, West African coups and dressing up the National Mall

- Congressmen and women need more options to waste their time and discuss shady under-the-table deals to waste taxpayer dollars, right? Sitting in the office playing trash-can basketball or going on taxpayer-funded “research trips” to posh resorts isn't enough, so it’s about time someone stumbled upon the idea of sprucing up the National Mall and its surrounding park. Thankfully, the non-profit Trust for the National Mall has taken up the cause. The trust has asked for proposals that would improve how people use the park and the suggestions have been flowing in. An ice skating rink on the National Mall, an expanded outdoor amphitheater next to the Washington Monument or a grassy knoll to……umm, never mind. The point is that ideas have been flying in from designers and Caroline Cunningham, head of the trust, believes the upgrades will in no way, shape or form will commercialize the capital's front yard. That’s a job for senators looking to whore out their position and power for financial gain. Cunningham said that in a recent survey, "people spoke out and said, 'Please, more bathrooms. Please, more food.' So those are part of the designs that were actually considered." After careful consideration, 12 proposals made the cut and they focus on three areas in particular: the reflecting pool in front of the Capitol; the old Sylvan Theater at the Washington Monument; and the duck pond near the Vietnam memorial. If implemented, they s would add a variety of new pathways, bridges, fountains, allées, promenades, pavilions and buildings while making the park more accessible to visitors from all directions and opening up new views of the Capitol and the Washington Monument. One proposed design would re-engineer the pool in front of the Capitol so that live recordings of the proceedings in Congress would be used to create ripples across its surface. Insert your chosen joke here for that one. Another proposal would put a theater partially underground, with a grass lawn on the roof. "I love the idea of keeping green space," Cunningham said. "It doesn't destroy the vista, which I think is a really beautiful solution." No matter which changes are made, there’s no denying the park has come a long way since the 1700s and 1800s, when populated by train tracks, livestock and a stagnant canal. All of the potential changes are on display at the Smithsonian Castle, the Museum of American History and online and the public is invited to weigh in on their favorites………..


- Finally, Britney Spears has stopped fighting her destiny. Instead of pretending she’s a legit, talented recording artist who has real vocal and songwriting abilities, Spears is poised to take on a role she’s been headed for her entire career: reality karaoke judge. According to reports, she is on the verge of signing a deal to be a judge on the second season of “X-Factor Karaoke.” Rumors of the deal first surfaced last month, with a reported $10 million offer on the table. Of course, Spears had to keep up appearance so it didn’t seem like she was completely desperate and so negotiations dragged on for several weeks. Last weekend, the talks finally heated up and she us now expected to join the series with a possible $15 million salary. Being paid to sit in a chair, look pretty and offer pointless opinions is the gig Spears is perfectly equipped for. With Spears in the fold, reality karaoke show godfather/ruiner of the music business as we knew it Simon Cowell will look to fill the other vacant slots on the show’s judging panel. The vacancies came about a few months ago when Cowell and his immense ego cleaned house, axing host Steve Jones and judges Nicole Scherzinger and Paula Abdul. With just he and L.A. Reid remaining, Cowell began the search for new non-talented musical minds. Janet Jackson was reportedly in the running, but she wanted no part of it. LeAnn Rimes also said no, as did Stacy Keibler and Darren Criss when approached about the show’s hosting role…………


- Smartphones seem fairly well entrenched with consumers, so why not move on to the smartwatch? A Canadian entrepreneur has made that technological leap forward, winning $2 million worth of orders through an Internet-based funding venture that offers cash-strapped startups a way to both test their ideas and raise funds. Eric Migicovsky started out with a goal of raising $10,000 over a five-week period through Kickstarter (www.kickstarter.com) for his smartwatch, which works alongside a user's smartphone. Kickstarter is a website set up to encourage small-scale funding for innovative projects and it clearly worked well for Migicovsky, whose project brought in $2.1 million in just three days. The watches have a starting price of $115, so the early sales amount to almost 17,000 watches. Migicovsky has been working on smartwatches for three years and he smartly moved his company, Pebble Technology, from the perpetually frozen tundra of BlackBerry manufacturer Research In Motion Inc's hometown of Waterloo, Ontario, to Google's hometown of Mountain View, Calif. as soon has he began experiencing real success. Still, he had difficulty raising interest among Silicon Valley investors and decided to enlist Kickstarter’s help. "We tried to raise money, it was impossible. No one really wants to fund hardware projects right now, except for the people that want to buy them," he said. Pebble watching work with both iPhones and smartphones that use Google’s Android operating system. They can display distance and speed for runners and cyclists, control a smartphone's music, and show emails, messages and reminders and Migicovsky plans on adding further applications before the watches begin shipping in September. Like any other entrepreneur who works with the Kickstarter model, Migicovsky has to set a deadline for reaching his funding goal. If time runs out, no money changes hands, which Kickstarter believes protects both parties as buyers don't pay until developers have adequate funds to develop their project. If sales continue to grow, Migicovsky hopes to expand the current team of six Pebble engineers in the quest to develop features for the watches. To be successful, he’ll have to outdo Sony, which is releasing its own smartwatch later this month. "We'll let people vote with their wallet," Migicovsky said…………


- Who’s up for a nice military coup? The fun is ramping up in Guinea-Bissau, where soldiers have detained the country's interim president and the former prime minister, bringing an abrupt end to an unfinished presidential election in West Africa's second military power grab in a month. A military spokesman confirmed the detentions of ex-premier and presidential election front-runner Carlos Gomes Junior and interim President Raimundo Pereira after assaults by armed soldiers on their homes on Thursday evening. "They are well," Lieutenant-Colonel Daha Bana na Walna claimed after a meeting at army headquarters in the capital Bissau between military officers and representatives of political parties. The former Portuguese colony has become something of a coup factory in recent years and that doesn’t seem likely to change any time soon. The coup brought swift condemnations from various governments and organizations around the world, including the U.N. Security Council, European Union, African Union and the United States. Portuguese Foreign Minister Paulo Portas called for the release of the detainees by the shadowy self-styled "Military Command." The coup was an apparent attempt to prevent an election win by Gomes Junior, the candidate of the ruling PAIGC party. He was the top finisher n a first round vote last month, qualifying for an April 29 run-off. However, he’s extremely unpopular with the military because he supported an initiative to reform and downsize the army, renowned for its history of bloody revolts and meddling in Guinea-Bissau politics since independence from Portugal in 1974. Pereira, a former parliament speaker who is also a member of the PAIGC, was targeted because of what he called "unease" among the country's military leaders over the ongoing electoral process. West Africa is a hotbed of uprisings the past few weeks, with a coup in Mali last month triggering the occupation of the north of the country by Tuareg and Islamist rebels. Unfortunately, the cowardly coup leads have since backed down and turned power back to a civilian interim president. In Guinea-Bissau, the self-styled "Military Command" seems intent on standing its ground and the group issued a statement read on the Portuguese RDP Africa radio claiming that it acted to head off what it alleged was a secret pact between Gomes Junior and Angola to "annihilate Guinea-Bissau's armed forces” but insisting the Military Command "did not have ambitions of power." Whatever you say, fellas…….


- The New York Knicks are not a good basketball team. They are mired in a slow-speed race for the last playoff spot in the NBA’s Eastern Conference and two of their best players, forward Amare Stoudemire and guard Jeremy Lin, are likely out for the rest of the season with injuries. If they make the playoffs, they’re headed for a first-round matchup with Chicago or Miami, the two best teams in the East and possibly the entire NBA. In spite of all of that and their barely-above-.500 record, backup forward Jared Jeffries believes the Knicks are not only a threat, but a strong contender to win that possible opening-round matchup with the East-leading Bulls. Asked who he preferred to play if his team qualifies for the postseason, Jeffries foolishly picked Chicago. "I still think the Bulls," Jeffries said. "Whenever you can have an MVP candidate or former MVP player be out on the team, I think that's what you've got to go for. I mean, they're still playing very well without him, but I'm not sure over a seven-game series they can keep that high level of playing without Derrick Rose." He was alluding to groin and ankle injuries that have slowed Rose, the league’s reigning MVP. Still, the Bulls have the league’s best record and are 9-4 since March 12 in games without Rose. They are 16-7 sans Rose this season, which the Knicks have been stationary as the eighth seed for several weeks. Still, Jeffries is "very confident" the Knicks can upset the Bulls or Heat in the first round. "I think that we've shown that if we come out with the focus that we've had over the last two weeks, we can play with anybody," he said. "We've done a great job defensively of locking in and following a game plan. And then when it comes down to offense, when you put a guy like Carmelo Anthony and Amare Stoudemire out there, that's the last of your worries of scoring the ball. If you can get stops, those guys will find a way to score." In Jeffries’ defense, no athlete can credibly say they don’t believe in their own team or expect to win and in private, Jeffries would probably admit that winning a series against either the Bulls or the Heat will be next to impossible. With gunners like Baron Davis, J.R. Smith and Anthony, there is always a chance the Knicks could catch fire and win a game or two, but defeating Miami or Chicago in a seven-game series will have to remain something that happens only in Jeffries’ vivid imagination………..