A drunk driver rains on the parade of some cool stoners, Lane Kiffin is making SEC football much better and a recap of last night's 24

- On last night’s 24, a key figure said goodbye, America said hello to a scary new bio-terror weapon and Jack Bauer shot some bad guys - shocker. When we left Jack last week, he was headed to meet up with Tony Almeida at the Port of Alexandria to intercept a weapon being shipped into the country for ginormous defense contractor Starkwood Industries. After making the link between Starkwood and renegade Sangalan Gen. Benjamin Juma, having a Starkwood hitman attack him and kill Sen. Blaine Mayer in Mayer’s own home last week, Jack began this week breaking into the shipyard at the port and along with Tony, interrogating the one security guard on duty, a man named Carl Gadsen. Gadsen claims not to know anything about the shipments that had arrived that day, but when Jack hacks into the yard’s manifest, he finds that two ships had picked up cargo from the Port of Noire, which is the nearest deep-water port to Sangala, before dropping their load at the Port of Alexandria. At that point, Gadsen admits that although he doesn’t know about the shipments, he does know that a team from Starkwood contacted him and bribed him to make sure he was the only guard on duty for the night and that he let them inside the yard when they arrived at 10:15. Jack and Tony lie in wait in the office trailer while the guard goes out to the gate to greet the Starkwood team when they arrive. The team leader, Stokes, asks Carl why he’s so nervous and Carl lies and tells him that it’s because Sotkes has brought a large, mutli-vehicle team with him. Stokes forces Carl into an SUV and off they go across the shipyard to the container where the bio-weapon is being stored. Jack and Tony hide behind a nearby stack of cargo containers, prepared to follow the flatbed truck carrying the weapon once it’s loaded and departs. Those plans take a twist when Stokes orders one of his men to take Carl off behind a stack of crates and kill him. Jack, feeling guilty for putting an innocent man in harm’s way, shoots the would-be killer even though he knows that when the man fails to return, Stokes will realize someone is inside the shipyard and has killed his man. That’s exactly what happens, but when the firefight breaks out Jack has snuck on top of a stack of containers and leaps onto the top of the truck carrying the weapon as is speeds toward the gate. Tony stays behind and tries to fight off the Starkwood team as long as he can. He’s eventually captured and taken when the bad guys leave, but his distraction allows Jack to hijack the truck and take control of the weapon. Once he hits the open road, Jack calls Larry Moss at the FBI and tells him the situation. He asks Larry to send a CDC (Centers for Disease Control) team to a weigh station nearby to diffuse the weapon, but when Jack stops the truck just prior to entering a commercial area to make sure that there are no problems with the truck or container, he finds a gash in the side of the hucontainer and a leak from a canister inside. Realizing it happened back at the shipyard when he shot the man operating Caterpillar that moved the container onto the truck, Jack springs into action to contain the leak. Fighthing through coughing and troubled breathing brought on by the fumes from whatever toxic gas is inside the weapon, he ventures insdie the container and shuts a valve feeding the leaky pipe. Disaster is averted, but at what price to Jack’s health? Of course, this being 24, things then get much worse for Jack. The Starkwood crew, having stolen a helicopter from the port, has tracked him down and opens fire from above as Jack scrambles for cover. Once he’s away from the truck, the helicopter swoops in, cables are attached to the weapon and it’s lifted right out of the trailer into the night air. Stokes and his men make off with the weapon, leaving Jack in their wake. Quite a day for Starkwood, which is also run by a megalomaniac in Jonas Hodges who has now decided that his company is done cooperating with the federal government in its investigation of Starkwood. Hodges announce this decision to the comnapy’s board of directors at an emergency meeting. Douglas Knowles, the board’s chairman, argues that fighting the Senate subcommittee is a losing battle, but Hodges will hear none of it. He proclaims Starkwood’s importance to the nation’s security in spite of the government’s persecution and then calmly strides from the room with Knowles in close pursuit. In the hallway outside the boardroom, Hodges informs Knowles that Sen. Mayer will no logner be a problem because he’s now dead. When accused of being complicit in the senator’s death, Hodges dances around the question with a non-answer answer and strides off as arrogantly as ever. Over at the White House, things are actually starting to look up a bit after the day’s tragic events. President Taylor’s husband Henry is out of surgery and expected to make a full recovery after being shot by Col. Ike Dubaku’s men a few episodes ago. First daughter Olivia Taylor is settling into her role as a presidential advisor too. However, chief advisor Ethan Kanin informs the president that based on the day’s events and after learning of Jack Bauer’s suspected killing of Sen. Mayer (later disproved when the FBI examines the crime scane and Larry Moss talks to Renee Walker to find out why Jack went to the senator’s home), he’s tendering his resignation. He explins that it’s for the best and that once word of Mayer’s death gets out, her administration will be blamed because Kanin himself sanctioned Bauer’s release. The president accepts his decision, but before Kanin can even type up his letter of resignation, Olivia runs right to White House reporter Ken Dellao, the man who broke the story on Jack’s release and the subsequent murder of Ryan Burnett last week, to feed him the story about Kanin resigning. In the phone call, we learn that she was indeed the one responsible for leaking that first strory even though she flat-out denied it to her mother and Kanin last week and claimed she had proof of her innocence. She goes on to throw Kanin under the bus again, asking that Dellao make it clear when he reports the story that it was Kanin and Kanin alone who sanctioned Bauer’s release, independent of the president’s knowledge. So Olivia is every bit as bitchy and duplicitous as she’s been alleged to be, but now the question is what her end game is. An excellent episode start to finish, lots of great action and drama and now Jack’s health is in question on top of everything. Tune in next week, the ride should keep getting better…….

- You all know how pissed off I get when authorities in any country pinch a suspected drug trafficker. It just makes it harder for me and my many drug-loving pals to get our hands on our beloved illegal narcotics. Plus, arresting one man isn’t going to stop anything; the drugs will still get to where they’re going, it’ll just take longer and cost more, which hurts John Q. Crackhead. So a big wag of the finger goes out to the Mexican military for arresting alleged drug trafficker Sigifredo Najera Talamantes, also known as El Canicon, late last week. I want to see the proof that Talamantes led an attack on a U.S. consulate and killed Mexican soldiers, because I never put it past The Man to fabricate evidence to help make His case. While you at it, Mexican President Felipe Calderon, how about some proof that El Canicon is responsible for attacks on a television station in Monterrey in the Mexican state of Nuevo Leon? You may call him a drug trafficker and murderer, but I call him a friend to all who loves them some good narcotic action. Let me ask you this: are you going to help supply the drugs to Talamantes’ customers now that he’s in prison? I didn’t think so. So what you’re doing is hurting those poor crackheads and doing nothing to address the problem, idiot. When are political leaders going to realize that making these arrests hurts as many people, if not more, than it helps…….

- Not that the football programs at the University of Flordia and University of Tennessee needed any additional reasons to hate each other, but new UT coach Lane Kiffin sure is fanning the flames of contempt between the two. Florida may be the defending BCS champion, but as the Gators open spring practice this week, the focus of their players seems to be on the rookie head coach of a rival school that went 5-7 last season. Kiffin has taken repeared verbal shots at Florida and specifically at UF head coach Urban Meyer, whom Kiffin accused of cheating in the recruiting process. Several Florida players have made it known that they have taken great offense to Kiffin’s act, posting pictures of him throughout their locker room for motivation. The two teams don’t meet on the field until Sept. 19, when Tennessee travels to Gainesville for Kiffin’s first game coaching in the Swamp. In the meantime, he seems content to continue taking pokes at his archrival. His first shot across the bow came in early February, during a post-signing day recruiting breakfast celebration in Knoxville, when Kiffin accused Meyer of violating NCAA rules by calling recruit Nu'Keese Richardson while Richardson was on his official visit to Tennessee. Whether Meyer did so or not, the fact is that such actions are not against NCAA rules. Kiffin was reprimanded by the Southeastern Conference for his comments, but players like UF junior safety Ahmad Black clearly haven’t moved on. "I couldn't believe what he said," Florida junior safety Ahmad Black said on Tuesday. "Not trying to be cocky or anything, but we've beaten them four years in a row ... by a lot, too. But taking shots at our coach is like taking shots at us. We're family. It's definitely personal now.” For his part, Kiffin doesn’t seem to regret stirring things up and I’m guessing that between now and Sept. 19, he does more to inflame this running feud than to calm it. “First, I think it's a neat thing that Tennessee's logo is all over Florida's locker room," Kiffin said this week. Of course, he may have to devote a little bit of time to pot-shotting other SEC schools, so his attacks on Tennessee won't be his only priorities. I say that because I’m going to keep belieivign that Kiffin did indeed tell recruit Alshon Jeffery, a wide receiver who ended up signing with South Carolina, that would end up pumping gas for the rest of his life like all the other players in the state of South Carolina if he signed with the Gamecocks. Kiffin may continue to deny those allegations, but from where I sit they’re just too awesome to not be true. Keep up the good work, Lane, because even though the SEC might have already been the best conference in college football before you arrived, your act is making it even better……

- If we can clone sheep, why can’t we clone cars? It sounds great - until you realize that cloning cars doesn’t mean creating brand-new duplicates of existing cars, but rather ripping off unsuspecting people who believe they are buying new cars and not stolen, slightly altered cars. The FBI announced this week that it has broken up one of the largest auto theft cases in the U.S., which seems like good news but isn’t - at least not for hundreds of people who have been duped by the scam. Through "Operation Dual Identity," arrest warrants for 17 people were executed in Tampa and Miami, Florida; Chicago, Illinois; and in Mexico City and Guadalajara, Mexico for "cloning" vehicles, which is making stolen cars look like legal ones. According to the FBI, the ring was operating in the U.S. for more than 20 years. In the state of Florida alone, more than 1,000 vehicles were stolen in Florida, with more than $25 million in losses to consumers and banks. The basic M.O. for these car cloners is taking license plates, vehicle identification numbers (VIN), and other tags and stickers from a legal car and put them on a stolen vehicle of similar make and model. The real losers are people who buy these “cloned” cars, because the cars are repossessed as stolen property but their new owners are still on the hook for any money they borrowed to pay for their new rides. Banks are under no obligation to forgive any debt because the borrower signed a contract with them to borrow that money, regardless of the state of their ownership of the vehicle. The only real target to go after for wronged car buyers is the dealership who sold them the vehicle, which many victims say they are considering. However, with the breath and depth of this scam - cloned vehicles were moved and sold to buyers in 20 states and several countries - this could drag on for some time. Of course, if the scammers had simply exchanged the vehicles for drugs, as they allegedly did in many cases, much of this headache could have been avoided…..

- Duuuuuuuude. What a terrible day for one stoner in San Diego. Dude was gone on a ski trip when some bogart neighbor dude gets totally drunk, crashes his truck into said stoner’s house and creates a gaping hole which allows the cops to see inside and find the stoner’s marijuana farm, dude. Yes, it truly is a sad day for the stoner(s) who own the home, because their entire operation and lives are now thrown into chaos because some ass hat decides to drive drunk and goes Billy Joel into the side of their house. I don’t know who this 63-year-old tool is, but I don’t need to know. He’s a certified piece of crap, no questions asked. These stoners weren’t hurting anyone, they were growing their own hippie lettuce, supplying their own pot needs and showing great entrepreneurial spirit and they can’t help it if their neighbor is a brain-dead a-hole who drives drunk and crashes into houses. Just leave the stoners alone, let them watch their Planet Earth DVDs in peace, munch on their Cheetos and Funjuns and play hackey sack while passing the bong and all will be fine. Quit exposing their home marijuana farms, dudes. Because of one thoughtless act, the cops confiscated 20 pot plants from this house and these poor potheads are probably headed to jail. All they were trying to do was bring peace, relaxation and mellowness to the world and what do they get for their troubles? Jail, that’s what. What the heck is this world coming to…….

A review of Heroes, Riot Watch! domestic edition and a bad day for Lance Armstrong's comeback

- I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again: I loves me a good Ponzi scheme. In fact, the only thing I like more than a good Ponzi scheme is the business partner of the person behind the scheme getting trying to work over the duped investors for a second time. Anthony Vassallo of Folsom, Calif. would be the brilliant business mind behind the Ponzi scheme. He has been booked into the Sacramento County jail after being arrested for allegedly operating a $40 million dollar Ponzi scheme. Meanwhile, Vassallo’s business partner, Michael David Sanders was also arrested and charged with trying to extort money from investors by posing as an FBI agent looking to recover the cash they lost to Vassallo. Federal prosecutors claim that Vassallo perpetrated a massive fraud that claimed more than 150 victims. He’s been touched up with charges of conspiracy, mail fraud and wire fraud. Perhaps investors should have been suspicious when Vassallo promised them annual returns of up to 36 percent through his Folsom-based company Equity Investment Management and Trading, Inc (EIMT), but as we all know, the world is full of stupid, stupid people. Vassallo’s connection to Sanders isn’t clear, so perhaps calling the two business partners isn’t entirely accurate. They may actually have been working together, but at this point police aren’t sure if Vassallo did in fact recruit Sanders to shake down investors who had pulled money out of EIMT. Regardless, Sanders’ role in this bizarre story is flat-out awesome. Dude actually burst into the Folsom office of a private hedge fund March 8 wearing a gun, badge and bulletproof vest. He was accompanied by four men, all of whom identified themselves as federal agents to two businessmen who had previously invested in EIMT. They then ordered the businessmen to wire $378,300 to Sanders' credit union checking account within 24 hours or face prosecution. Right, because that’s exactly how the feds operate. They storm your office wearing bulletproof vests and demand that you wire them more than a quarter of a million bucks within the day or face prosecution. Nice try losers, hard to figure out why you plan didn’t work. Instead of a $378,000 payday, you get charged with impersonating a federal agent and a likely jail term. The one innocent bystander in all of this (outside of the investors, who I would argue are guilty of stupidity at the very least) is the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. The Securities and Exchange Commission claims that Vassallo and EIMT company vice president Ken Kenitzer used their connections within the church to attract investors. Nothing like dragging the name of your church through the mud with a Ponzi scheme, well done fellas. Vassallo also allegedly laundered proceeds from the Ponzi scheme through his personal checking account, including a $24,149 payment to the Mormon church last New Year's Eve. All in all, just an awesome tale of fraud and scamming, the kind of tale that always brings a smile to my face…….

- Tonight’s Heroes was almost good enough to make you forget that the show continues to be plagued by the same problem it’s been saddled with the past two seasons: finding enough screen time for all of its main characters. The major exclusions this week were Claire, Sylar and Nathan Petrelli, with Peter Petrelli a near exclusion with only two very, very brief scene at the end of the episode. As for what was on the screen….things kicked off with an anonymous source dropping a gift off at the apartment of Emile Danko, a.k.a. the Hunter. The gift was Eric Doyle, the Puppet Man, sedated and wrapped in a bow. Doyle goes into sedated custody just like the other PWP (people with powers) captured by Nathan Petrelli’s government operation to remove them from society. Of course, Nathan is AWOL after having Danko expose his power to fly last week, so apparently his move to go to the president and have Danko fired no longer applies. Danko seems to be right back running the show like he was prior to last week, with H.R.G. his loyal underling - or so it seems. H.R.G. sneaks off to meet with Angela Petrelli inside a limo on a rainy New York City street. The two of them strategize about how to get H.R.G. back in Danko’s good graces, with Angela suggesting that leading Danko to the mysterious Rebel would do the trick. H.R.G. agrees and formulates a plan to have Tracy Strauss “escape” and lead them right to Rebel. Because Rebel has been hacking into the computer system at Building 26, where the organization is headquartered, to break Tracy out, the plan seems like a good idea. Danko agrees to it, but what he doesn’t count on is that on her way out, Tracy stumbles across the lab where all of the sedated PWP are being kept and frees Matt Parkman and Mohinder Suresh, whom Danko tricked into the lab and ambushed. Matt also frees his lady friend Daphne despite Tracy’s insistence that in her wounded, weakened state, Daphne will slow them down. The quartet is nearly stopped from escaping in spite or Rebel overriding the building’s security system and opening locked doors because a security team gets in their way. Parkman uses his power to control people’s mind to make the guards see what he wants them to see - nothing - so that they walk right by where the group of escapees stand. They make it out of the building, but while Matt and Mohinder take Daphne to the hospital, Tracy heads for the mall to get some new clothes. H.R.G. follows his plan to follow her and ambushes her in the dressing room, where he offers her a deal: lead him to Rebel and she can go free. Tracy agrees and heads out onto the street, where an ATM machine actually speaks her name and calls her over to its location. There, a stack of $20 bills spits out and a receipt prints from the machine with an address on it: a locker at Union Station. As Tracy hails a cab, we finally find out who Rebel is as he appears in the street behind Tracy. It’s none other than Micah, son of the late Nikki Sanders and her late husband D.L., both of whom have met their end in previous seasons of the show. Micah as Rebel makes sense, what with Micah’s power to talk to all things machine and Rebel’s technological wizardry. At the train station, Micah reveals himself to Tracy, who immediately is overcome with guilt when she realizes just who she’s led H.R.G to. She is, of course, a dead ringer to Micah’s mom and was “created” by the same Company doctor, so she’s basically one-third of triplets (Nikki’s evil alter-ego incarnation of her sister Jessica being the other), so she knows a little about him. Micah is equally horrified when he learns of Tracy’s duplicity, but of course he planned for her being followed and uses his power to hack the station’s security system and create an evacuation alarm that allows he and Tracy to escape down a back stairway and into an adjacent parking garage. There, they are cornered by Danko’s men and must quickly formulate a plan to get out. Tracy instructs Micah to put his power to use and turn on the sprinklers, after which she allows the agents to surround her while he escapes and then freezes everything in sight after it’s soaked by the sprinklers. Micah gets out, but he must listen as not far behind him, Danko arrives on the scene and put a bullet through Tracy, who has literally frozen everything in sight - including her own body, which has turned into a giant chunk of ice. Danko’s bullet shatters her to pieces and after H.R.G. informs him that Rebel hasn’t been caught in the setup, Danko walks away in disgust. As for Matt Parkman….he remains at the hospital with Daphne, which turns out to be very confusing to follow. At first, we see Daphne wake up and learn that Matt has mind tricked the hospital staff into believing she’s Gwen Stefani, which earns her a prime room and the best care. Once she’s back on her feet, however, Daphne tells Matt that despite his dream of them being married and his vision of that reality on his spirit walk in Africa, they don’t really have a connection at all. She wants to go off and live her own life, accomplishing that goal by super-speeding out of the room. A few hours later, Matt catches up with her on a rooftop in Paris and when Daphne asks how he got there, Matt says he flew: literally. He confesses that he has the power to fly, demonstrating that power by flying Daphne high above Paris. Near the end of the flight comes the true stunner: Daphne realizes that she’s not really in Paris, but rather back in her hospital bed where Matt is using his power to make her believe that they’re in Paris. When the mental vacation ends, we see that this is true and that Daphne has flat-lined, seemingly dead…..but on Heroes, we all know that dead often doesn’t really mean dead. Some of the better comedic moments of the episode come from Hiro and Ando, who last week found themselves charged with caring for Matt Parkman - the infant version. After showing up at an address faxed to them in India by Rebel, they show up in L.A. and are handed baby Matt Parkman. As they argue over how to care for the baby and what saving him means, they discover that the baby has a power: he can turn on any electronic item whether it has a power source or not. Once they realize this, Hiro and Ando decide that saving Matt Parkman means going on the run with him, something that becomes impossible when the baby’s mother shows up: Matt Parkman’s (adult version) ex-wife Janice. She is about to kick the bumbling duo out when they break the ice by revealing that they know about the baby’s power. Janice lets them back inside but bristles when they insist that her ex-husband is a hero. She believes he’s a terrorist based on the news broadcast showing him at the Mall in Washington with a bomb strapped to his chest. Hiro and Ando correctly argue that it was a setup to make PWP look like terrorists, but Janice doesn’t believe them until Danko’s agents show up at her door with a warrant to bring both she and her son in for questioning, ostensibly about her ex-husband. Janice lies and says baby Matt is at the babysitter’s house, a lie the agents don’t buy. They storm the house and corner Hiro, Ando and the baby in a bedroom. Ando seems to save the day by corralling his power and using it to shoot a laser beam at the agents, but a second agent comes crashing into the room and knocks him down. All appears lost until Hiro closes his eyes and finds that his power - at least part of it - has returned. While he still can’t teleport or time-travel (apparently the show’s writers have sworn off time travel), he can stop time. That allows him to freeze all of the agents, find a wheelbarrow to transport Ando (also frozen) and run 12 miles to the bus station. There, Hiro has a hilarious conversation with baby Matt about it being okay for him to cry, after which Hiro un-freezes time and tells Ando that they must now go find adult Matt Parkman. The last bit of business for this episode hinges on Angela Petrelli. He her limo meeting with H.R.G., she has a vision of an attack on her car set to happen just a moment into the future. As her driver is ripped from the car by agents, Angela sneaks out the back and disappears onto the sidewalk. Soon, she’s sitting down with an old friend, played by Swoosie Kurz, in a posh restaurant. Angela asks for help in getting out of town - cash, a car and a change of clothes - but receives judgment and tough love instead. She’s told that turning herself in is the right move, but as she gets up to leave, she’s given cash to help her disappear. Disappearing turns tougher when agents surround her on the sidewalk and chase her into an office building. Angela rushes into an elevator and heads upward, but dozens of agents swarm the lobby of the building, hack into the elevator controls and bring her back to the ground floor. The doors open, but when they do Angela isn’t alone. Peter is with her and he takes flight, zipping up the elevator shaft and away from the agents. In the final scene of the episode, Peter and Angela are shown looking out the windows atop the Statue of Liberty, overlooking the harbor and New York City. “What do you want to do now?” Peter asks Angela. Not that he’s asking me, but I’d like to find out where Sylar, Claire and Nathan were this episode, but next week will feature plenty of Sylar screen time, including a run-in with Danko. Until then…….

- Riot Watch! Riot Watch! This is a domestic edition and it’s fairly small-scale, but you know me, I salute any act of social dissidence anywhere in the world. Plus, who can’t get with people gathering to protest the biggest abortion of a war in our nation’s history? The war in Iraq may be more than six years old (sorry I missed the birthday party for that…..oh wait, no I’m not), but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t still warrant your outrage. The protestors who gathered for an anti-war demonstration in San Francisco over the weekend understand what I’m talking about. These people gathered for an hour-long rally at Justin Herman Plaza, wearing anti-war T-shirts and memorabilia, chanting along with speakers, carrying signs and placards and oh yeah, clashing with police. Well, not everyone was bold enough to thrown down with The Man, but ten brave soles did and were arrested for their efforts. Five of the arrestees - three men and two women - were apprehended at about 2:30 p.m. at the Civic Center Plaza for allegedly assaulting a police officer. At least three of those arrested were trying to free a teenage boy who was taken into custody after he was allegedly throwing rocks from a backpack, one of which hit an officer. But perhaps my favorite part of the entire protest/riot was when a police officer was bitten by a protestor. That narrowly edges out the cop who suffered a groin injury while trying to quell the unrest. Overall, solid marks for the hundreds of demonstrators who showed up to take part in a nationwide "Day of Action" marking the sixth anniversary of the Iraq War. "Money for jobs and education, not for war and occupation!" the crowd chanted as they marched along Market Street. Hmm….the whole rhyming chant ploy is gimmicky and cheesy, but I’ll overlook it this one time. I do want to shout out all of the groups who took part in the rallies around the country, including the National Assembly to End the Iraq and Afghanistan Wars and Occupations, Act Now to Stop War and End Racism, U.S. Labor Against the War, Veterans for Peace, and Progressive Democrats of America. These groups were a part of one or more rallies at locations that included San Francisco, Washington, D.C., Los Angeles, Chicago, and other major cities across the country. Big ups to all of you, doing your country proud……

- This isn’t the comeback that American cyclist Lance Armstrong had in mind, I’m sure. On the comeback trail to the world of cycling and possibly building toward a return to the Tour de France, the race he won a record seven times before retiring, Armstrong broke his right collarbone after falling on the first stage of a five-day race in northern Spain today. My man Lance left the hospital with his arm in a sling and will now return to the United States, where doctors will determine whether he needs surgery. “I'm miserable," said the record seven-time Tour de France champion. “I just need to relax a couple of days and then make a plan.” No freaking kidding, of course he’s miserable. An uber-competitive dude like Lance Armstrong hates to lose, can’t stand falling short of his goals and that’s what makes him the great athlete he is. Part of me wants to enjoy this because he was so easily able to pick up and excel at running marathons and do so at a much higher level than I can, having done 10 of them, but I’ll pass up that chance. The crash took place about 10 miles from the end of the 168-km stage as riders picked up speed and jockeyed for position with the finish line nearing. A group of 15 to 20 riders fell, but Armstrong appeared to be the only one injured. "It's pretty painful. Just wait and see how it heals,” Armstrong said. "That's cycling," he said. "It's nobody's fault. Crashes happen all the time.” According to Armstrong, this is the first such injury he’s suffered in 17 years as a professional, which is amazing given the amount of crashes that happen in cycling. Now he must deal with the challenge of preparing for the Tour de France from July 4-26 and possibly not being able to ride for a while. Definitely not what he had to be imagining when he came out of a three-year retirement to return to competitive cycling in January. This is one crash that can’t be blamed on the weather, as it took place a on a beautiful sunny day. Other riders did cite bumpy, uneven roads as a problem during the stage, but it’s unclear if that’s what caused the crash. If nothing else, the broken collarbone should create some good drama, something that’s really been lacking since Lance launched his comeback in January when he raced in the Tour Down Under in Australia, finishing 29th. Will he be back for the Tour in July? All I know is that I’m not going to be the one to bet against Lance Freaking Armstrong…….

- Want to be among the first to purchase what is being billed as the world's "cheapest car" when it becomes available in July? Get in line now, because India's Tata Motors seems pretty confident that there will be high demand for the four-door Nano, which is currently being built in "limited numbers" at a company plant in the north Indian hill state of Uttrakhand and will cost a measly $2,000. The company announced that delivery of the Nano will begin in July, with the Nano initially available through bookings or reservations filed on a request form priced around $6. Tata will accept the bookings from April 9 to April 25, with the company processing and announcing allotment of 100,000 cars in the first phase of deliveries within 60 days. Assuming that there are more than 100,000 applicants, buyers will be chosen through a computerized random selection procedure. “It is to the credit of the team at Tata Motors that a car once thought impossible by the world is now a reality. I hope it will provide safe, affordable, four-wheel transportation to families who till now have not been able to own a car. We are delighted in presenting the Tata Nano to India and the world," company chief Ratan Tata stated. He added that Tata Motors intends to make 350,000 Nanos a year from 2010 at another unit elsewhere in the country, so if you’re looking for a dirt-cheap car that you’ll probably spend ore money repairing than you did purchasing it and you are shut out of the initial offering of 100,000, don’t fret. You can still buy the new leading contender to be this generation’s Ford Pinto if you’ll just show a little patience…….

Riot Watch! is takin' it to the streets in Aregntina, idiots holding "tea parties" across America and an angry QB in Denver

- What year are we in? A movie about Nicolas Cage decoding some cryptic historical document and all hell breaking loose as a result is the top earner at the box office? Which National Treasure movie is it this time? Oh wait…..it’s actually Cage’s new sci-fi flick, Knowing, which grossed $24.8 million this weekend? I guess the movie name changes, the plot tweaks ever so slightly but the basic theme remains the same. Either way, Knowing was the top film at the box office this weekend, fending off supposed comedies like the best man-centric I Love You, Man and the Julia Roberts-Clive Owen bomb Duplicity. For Cage, it marks his third consecutive No. 1 opening in the past year and a half. The film’s distributor, Summit, also has reason to celebrate after following up its success with last fall's "Twilight." Paul Rudd’s new flick I Love You, Man came in second with $18 million. The film also scored a surprisingly diverse audience, rating well with both men and women and with both older and younger moviegoers. Not surprisingly, Duplicity had a disappointing weekend, grossing $14.4 million to finish third. Who cold have predicted that? Well, other than me in my post yesterday, when I ripped the film and its capacity to suck big time despite some big-name stars. Finishing fourth was The Rock (sorry Dwayne Johnson, you’ll always be The Rock to me) with his family flick Race to Witch Mountain ($13 million), followed by the comic book adaptation Watchmen, fifth with $6.7 million. Overall, movies had a second straight down weekend after a strong run to start the year. Each of the past two weekends have seen a decline from the same weekend’s take of one year ago, with this week marked by a 5 percent decline. This coming weekend has a chance to reverse the two-week slide, as the animated film Monsters vs. Aliens is expected to bring in big numbers…….

- See, the bad economy is impacting rich people too. It’s not just the little guy who can't afford groceries and rent and is barely keeping his head above water. No, rich people are taking hits too. No longer can they chip off half a million dollars to buy a uniquely complete skeleton of a Jurassic-era dryosaurus dinosaur in an auction at the I.M. Chait Gallery in Manhattan. The relic was expected to bring in as much as $500,000, given the fact that a complete skeleton of the long-necked, plant-eating dinosaur is exceptionally rare, but clearly rich people just do not have the same disposable income they once enjoyed. Auctioneers had hoped for a pitched battle to buy the 150-million-year-old, 9-foot-long dryosaurus, but in the end the bids weren’t there. Other rare skeletons, fossils and other prehistoric memorabilia did sell - including an 18,000-year-old, 7-foot-tall and 15-foot-long skeleton of a teenage woolly mammoth from Siberia that took the auction's top price, fetching close to $60,000. Another popular item was a completely opalized green, blue, yellow and red ammonite fossil measuring 2½ feet in diameter that went for close to $50,000. Despite the down day for the dino fossil, two museums are still thought to be interested in acquiring the skeleton, being sold by Western Paleontological Laboratories out of Utah. As for the auction’s top seller, the director of operations at the gallery has an interesting take on why it was in such high demand. “The woolly is so special because it wasn't fully grown and can therefore fit in someone's living room," says Josh Chait, director of operations at the gallery. “A collector's dream.” Yes, because who doesn’t dream of having an ancient wooly mammoth to display in their living room? It’s the pet you never have to walk, feed or clean up after AND it’s a great conversation piece. “You know how much I paid for that woolly mammoth that I can actually use for anything other than looking at and attempting to impress guests like you who couldn’t care less?” Yes, quite a buy it is…………

- Riot Watch! Riot Watch! It’s been too long, Argentine farmers, but we’re back because you just won't give up your fantastic crusade against government export taxes on farm goods. Using a tactic they’ve employed successfully before, thousands of angry farmers blocked highways and rural routes throughout the country to protest the lack in progress in negotiations with the government over export taxes on farm goods. Images of trucks and cars stopped along routes throughout the country were seen all day long Tuesday, from urban to rural. There were traffic stoppages in the provinces of Santa Fe and Entre Rios, there were traffic stoppages in the town of Armstrong, 250 miles northwest of the capital of Buenos Aires…just an all-around good time. Special props to the protesters who stopped traffic on Route 9, in Armstrong, burning car tires and waving Argentine flags. This conflict has raged on for a year, pitting these poor farmers against the government of President Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner. I’m not sure if Fernandez expected this sort of outrage from Argentina's large farming sector when she decided to impose export taxes on soybeans, but she probably should have. Argentina is the world's third-largest soybean exporter, so you have a lot of farmers depending on soybeans for their living and when you take extra money out of their pockets at a time when the country has been hard hit by recent drops in global commodities prices and a severe drought, you’re going to have a fight on your hands. That much was clear last year when demonstrations by farmers caused food shortages and blocked farm products from leaving the country. Things had simmered down a bit, but tensions were always one good push from blowing up again. That push came Thursday, when lawmakers failed to reach quorum in Congress to debate a bill that would reduce the 35 percent soybean export tax and farmers took it to the streets (literally) to set up roadblocks and throw their country into chaos. The protests were timed to coincide with Fernandez’s announcement of new money-sharing measures. “Soy revenues will go to a fund that will be shared with the provinces and municipalities,” Fernandez said at the presidential residence in Olivos. "Seventy percent of the fund will be controlled by the federal government and 30 percent by governors and local officials. It's never been our intention to take anything away from anyone.” Poor choice of words, Madame President. Your intention clearly was to take money from these farmers. You can say that you did so to raise $1.776 billion for a fund would to be used for social infrastructure needs -- "schools, houses, drinking water, sewers,” just don’t lie and pretend you didn’t know this would hurt these farmers. You’re hurting one segment of your populace to benefit another, so don’t expect those being hurt to just lie down and take it. They’re going to fight back and I salute them for doing so. Riot on, Argentine farmers, riot on……

- I’ve been waiting to comments on the ongoing soap opera between the Denver Broncos and their franchise quarterback Jay Cutler because things just keep getting better and better the longer I wait. However, the saga appears to have hit a bit of a lull and so I think I’ll jump in. By now, everyone knows the origins of the drama: the Broncos fired longtime head coach Mike Shanahan, who drafted Cutler and had a strong bond with the young QB. They hired Josh McDaniels, the young offensive genius who cut his teeth coaching in New England under the Hoodie, a.k.a. Bill Belichick. McDaniels came in and immediately began shaking up the Denver roster, releasing nearly half of the team’s defensive starters from last season. The point where he really ran afoul of Cutler was when his former team, the Patriots, were shopping backup quarterback Matt Cassel. Cassel was vaulted to prominence last season when starter Tom Brady suffered a season-ending knee injury in Week 1 and Cassel led the team to an 11-5 record. McDaniels was the offensive coordinator for the Pats last season, meaning he worked most closely with Cassel and developed quite a rapport. When Cassel became available, McDaniels made a play for him, which meant shopping the quarterback he already had. Ultimately, Cassel was traded to Kansas City and Cutler was hung out to dry by Denver. It was at this point McDaniels made his biggest mistake of all; lying to Cutler about trying to trade him. Cutler and agent Bus Cook claim that McDaniels initially claimed that he didn’t try to trade Cutler, which truned out to be a lie. That created a total lack of trust between coach and quarterback, which is never a good thing. After being lied to, Cutler didn’t even want to speak with McDaniels and wouldn’t take his phone calls. He asked to be traded, but was finally persuaded to speak to McDaniels on the phone. That was followed by a face-to-face meeting, a meeting McDaniels came out of believing that progress had been made. Cutler had a very different take, renewing his demands to be traded and amplifying those demands with renewed vigor. He refused to attend McDaniels first meeting with the team as a whole and to this point is adamant about leaving Denver. Recently, Cook also alleged that Broncos owner Pat Bowlen told Cutler after Shanahan’s firing that the team’s offensive staff, with whom Cutler had a strong bond, would remain with the team. However, one of McDaniels’ first moves after being hired was to fire the entire offensive staff so he could replace them w. his own guys. That would make two major instances of the team lying to Cutler, most definitely not the way to treat a quarterback coming off of a Pro Bowl season in which he set multiple team records. I’m siding with Cutler on this one; McDaniels is off to a very bad start as an NFL coach and if he can’t learn to treat his players with more respect and honesty, he’s going to have a very short and unsuccessful career as a head coach…….

- Dear idiots dumping tea bags into bodies of water around the United States and mailing tea bags to President Obama: you are not reincarnating the revolutionary spirit of the original American independence movement; you’re showing what a bunch of unimaginative, lame ass hats you are. Every single one of you should be ashamed of yourselves for a) wasting perfectly good tea, b) doing so for no real reason and c) sullying the name of people who hold legitimate, non-idiotic protests worldwide. The latest of their faux “tea parties” took place in Orlando, Fla., where more than 4,000 people assembled in Lake Eola Park on Saturday to, um, make fools of themselves. Some singer named Lloyd Marcus (never heard him) was among the leaders of this farce, telling the crowd that his assessment of the Obama administration thus far is…..an indecipherable shriek. By now, I’m sure you’ve figured out who these tools are that are hosting these lame-ass “tea parties” to decry Obama in office: conservatives. “This is maybe the greatest single gathering of God-fearing patriots in the history of Orlando, Florida,” said local conservative radio host Bud Hedinger, who emceed the event. Either that or the single most pathetic, misguided, reactionary tools who just can’t stomach the idea of a non-warmongering, semi-intelligent, non-Republican president in office. Seeing these ass clowns rocking their homemade signs bearing slogans such as "Repeal the pork or our bacon is cooked" and "Obama lied, liberty died” is just a sad day for me as an American, given the fact these fools are denouncing a presidency that’s barely three months old when most of them probably voted to hand a second term to our last president, who was easily the worst in the history of this country. But I’ll give the benefit of the doubt to a few of the attendees, given the fact that they are old people with nothing better to do than attend a lame, hollow event before they hit up their local buffet for the early bird special. These are people like Debby Whisenand, 71, of Largo, who fretted, “We're really scared about what's happening in our country.” Thanks for the very specific, not-at-all-vague sentiments, Debby. Now go to the Sizzler and get your senior discount before heading home to watch the early evening news and hitting the sack by 8:30. You just can’t expect anyone to take you seriously when you’re carrying a sign that reads “The problem with socialism is that you eventually run out of other people's money” on one side, and “You can't blame Bush anymore” on the other. Actually, we can. See, if someone drops an atomic bomb on your city (ironically the one thing W. never got around to doing on countries where we had no right to invade) and then is removed from power, you can still blame them from the shi**y state of affairs three months later because they’re the ones who caused the chaos. Even if Obama were the greatest president in the history of the world (not saying he is), he still couldn’t undo all of the messes W. made in just three months. Good to see that you’re keeping an open mind, supporting our president and giving him a chance to turn things around, conservatives, you guys don’t suck at all……..

"Duplicity" an abysmal movie, a robber inadvertently turns himself in to police and Donte Stallworth = D-bag

- Right now, we don’t know how much of what is being alleged against Cleveland Browns receiver Donte Stallworth is true. What we do know is that if what is being reported at present is true, Stallworth is a complete and total douche bag. The allegations are that Stallworth was driving drunk when he plowed into and killed pedestrian Mario Reyes while driving his Bentley in Miami Beach this past weekend. Police in Miami Beach said they are still awaiting toxicology results on Stallworth, so no charges have been filed so far. Media outlets in South Florida are reporting that Stallworth’s blood-alcohol level was above the Florida legal limit of .08 percent at the time of the accident, a claim that law enforcement officials refuse to confirm. "Right now, we don't have the results and we don't have anything to release," Miami Beach police officer Deborah Doty said. "There are a lot of rumors going around and it's unfortunate. People have to respect that there is a person who is deceased." Well……not really. People should respect that a man died in this tragic incident, but they won't. Because a famous professional athlete is involved, people’s common decency goes out the window. It doesn’t matter that so far, Stallworth has not been charged with a crime and continues to take part in the Browns' voluntary offseason conditioning program. "My family and I are grief-stricken over the tragic accident which occurred Saturday on Miami Beach where Mario Reyes sadly lost his life," Stallworth said in a prepared statement released earlier in the week by the Browns. "My thoughts and prayers are with the Reyes family during this incredibly difficult time." Yeah, I’m sure those sentiments will mean a whole lot to the Reyes family if and when they learn that you got behind the wheel of your luxury sled drunk and ran over their loved one. Something tells me they won't value your thoughts and prayers that much if that’s what happened, D. For everyone’s sake, I hope those reports aren’t true and that you weren’t drunk at the time of the crash, but why is it that I’m pretty certain that they are true? Welcome to the Leonard Little Club, amigo……..

- Even paradise isn’t immune to the invasion of nature upon its shores. Anyone in Honolulu and looking to enjoy some quality time at the beach on Hanauma Bay, you should be making other plans at this point. Lifeguards closed the bay on Friday after box jellyfish washed onto shore. I’m no jellyfish expert or marine biologist, but from what I understand, box jellyfish are pretty dangerous critters. So when more than 40 box jellyfish washed onto shore in an hour and many more were spotted floating in the water, the decision to close the bay was elementary. Officials will continue to monitor conditions to determine when to reopen the beach. If you are fortunate enough to be in Hawai’i and heading to the beach, make sure to check with a lifeguard or look for posted warning signs. Of course, knowing how people are, it’s a safe bet that at least a few idiots will do neither and end up getting stung by a jellyfish, since there are just so many stupid, clueless people in this world. In that case, the affected idiot who is stung by a jellyfish should flush out the sting with vinegar. If there is any justice for the stupid in this world and that jellyfish sting causes cramping or persistent pain as a nice payback, that person should seek medical attention. As for the jellyfish invasion itself, it typically happens nine to 10 days after a full moon. Now you’ve all been warned, so hopefully a few of you are actually listening……..

- Have you ever asked yourself why so many stupid people end up as criminals? I know I have. So far, I don’t have a definitive answer, but people like William N. Spencer of Rehoboth Beach, Delaware are providing plenty of data for me to examine. Seems that Willy Spencer robbed his local Food Lion grocery store at knifepoint and had an interesting way of trying to get away with the heist. Police were called to the Food Lion north of Rehoboth Beach at 11 p.m. Tuesday and two employees reported being confronted by a man near a register. The man "produced a large butcher knife, threatening harm to the employees if they refused," then fled with an undisclosed amount of money. That man, we now know, was William Spencer. However, rather than take a route that had a decent chance of success in terms of getting away with the robbery, say laying low, staying as far from the cops as possible and trying to steer clear of the investigation, Spencer decided that the optimal choice was interjecting himself into the middle of the situation. He phoned in a tip to the police implicating his roommate in the robbery, apparently trying to divert attention and confuse investigators. Investigators got a tip from an unidentified male caller "claiming his roommate might have been the person who committed the robbery." When they interviewed the roommate, police quickly determined that he wasn’t the man responsible for the robbery "because he clearly did not resemble the person depicted in the photographs obtained by investigators of the robber." As a quick aside, it’s always a good idea when trying to pin a crime on someone to make sure that they resemble the actual robber as seen on surveillance footage. Since Spencer knew what the actual robber looked like (assuming he’s smart enough to look into a mirror and know that the person looking back is him), pinning the crime on his roommate was clearly a bad idea. However, the roommate did have a suggestion for police on who the suspect might be: Spencer. These two must not have a great relationship, because neither had any compunctions about throwing the other under the bus for this crime. Once police obtained photographs of Spencer, they immediately matched him up with the man seen in the surveillance footage from the store and made the arrest. Spencer has been charged with first-degree robbery and possession of a deadly weapon during a felony. He’s not cooperating with investigators at this point, which is ironic because when he was trying to pin the robbery on his unsuspecting roomie, he was all too willing to help out the police. But I guess that didn’t work out too well for him, eh………

- For quite some time now, I’ve been asking myself why people a) think Julia Roberts is a good actress, and b) think Julia Roberts is attractive. I’ve seen enough movies with her in them to know that the first of those statements is not really true and the second one is blatantly false. As such, I went into her new film, “Duplicity,” fully expecting to see a bad or mediocre movie. After seeing it…..let’s just say that my expectations were met. Spending just over two hours watching Ray Koval (Clive Owen) or Claire Stenwick (Roberts) try to pull of their roles as professional spies -- CIA and MI6, respectively - was nearly enough to send me for the exit multiple times. Their story is that they met in Dubai in 2002, end up sleeping together and when Ray wakes up, Claire is gone. They don’t cross paths again until several years later, when both are no longer government spies and are working in the private sector. On the surface, they’re working for rival pharmaceutical companies, but Claire is actually a double agent who has infiltrated one outfit's security team to get the scoop on its top secret product launch. Back and forth the pair goes, trying to dupe and deceive one another and everyone else around them in the process. I think this film is supposed to be clever, witty and charming, but it fails on all three fronts. Writer-director Tony Gilroy seems to be working under the misguided impression that Roberts is really attractive, which she clearly isn’t. She’s also not all that likeable on the big screen, not from where I sit. Having her take what amounted to a five-year sabbatical from movies (except for relatively small roles in "Ocean's Twelve" and "Charlie Wilson's War”) was a blessing, I have to say. She’s forgettable in a movie that is far too paint-by-numbers and feels the need to spell out everything for the viewer just in case everyone watching it is a complete moron. There are some movies that are a waste of time, some that a big waste of time and others that are a ginormous waste of time. This one falls somewhere closer to the bottom end of that theatrical totem pole……..

- I suppose it’s a nice symbolic gesture that First Lady Michelle Obama is planting a new White House organic "kitchen garden,” the first working garden at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. since Eleanor Roosevelt planted a "victory garden" during World War II. While you might think that the goal for planting the garden is to show solidarity for the many Americans who plan to plant their own gardens this year to provide cheaper food for their families during tough economic times, the actual target is obesity. “We're just hoping that a lot of families look at us and say this is something that they can do and talk to their own kids about and think a little bit critically about the food choices that they make,” said Marian Robinson, the president's mother-in-law. A group of Washington schoolchildren were invited to take part in digging and planting the garden, receiving a special chat from Michelle Obama for their efforts. She told the children that her daughters were much more likely to try fruits and vegetables if they were fresh and homegrown. “What I found with my kids [is that] if they were involved in planting it and picking it, they were much more curious about giving it a try,” she added. :I've been able to have my kids eat so many different things that they would have never touched if we had bought it at a store because they either met the farmers that grew it, or they saw how it was grown.” What I didn’t know was that many health food and fitness advocates had been arguing for a White House garden, saying it would set a positive example for families short on time and money, who are often tempted by unhealthy fast food. So what will be grown in the presidential garden? On the planting list are butterhead and red leaf lettuce, spinach, broccoli, onions, carrots, peas, sage, oregano and rosemary. Unlike your family, of course, the Obamas won't actually be preparing and cooking their own veggies, but I guess this is as close as you can get to normal living in the White House…….

Brawling brides, misplaced Colombian nose candy and Riot Watch! in Argentina

- Riot Watch! Riot Watch! Okay, so this is a low-key edition of the Watch, but any act of social dissidence is a good act of social dissidence, no question about it. So when 10,000 angry Argentines march on the historic Plaza de Mayo in the capital, Buenos Aires, to demand more anti-crime measures, you know I’m down. The subject of toughening up anti-crime efforts remains a top priority among Argentines, as evidenced by the fact that there were other anti-crime marches throughout Argentina on Wednesday night as well. A series of high-profile crimes have occurred in recent weeks, including the killings of three police officers in Buenos Aires in recent weeks. Additionally, an employee of Argentina's most famous TV talk-show host, Susana Gimenez, was killed last month. All of this is creating a push to revive the death penalty in Argentina. The death penalty was outlawed in the country in 1984. That decision came a year after the country's military ended its seven-year dictatorship, during which some 30,000 people were killed. Those are the particulars, but what I care most about is that 10,000 angry Argentines (a good band name too) took it to the streets and made their voice heard. The organizers of the march went online to help get the ball rolling, setting up a Web page asking Congress to declare a national security emergency, and creating a Facebook page for the march. I didn’t get a chance to sign up, but I wish I had. “Andy is attending an angry march on downtown Buenos Aires,” a nice Facebook status to be sure. While I would have appreciated some looting, rioting and clashing with police, I can see where such actions would be contradictory to the casue of the march in this case. As such, gathering in the Plaza de Mayo, carrying photos of their dead loved ones and demanding that Argentine President Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner focus more on crime will have to do. Seeing as her justice minister has defended the government's efforts, maintained that Argentina has one of the lowest murder rates in South America and generally sticking his head in the sand, those cries for change are much needed. Now it remains to be seen if one march is enough or if it’s time to kick this dissidence up a notch. I’m betting on the latter……

- It’s great that NFL players like Washington Redskins cornerback DeAngelo Hall are looking to battle childhood obesity, really it is. Anyone who wants to join the battle against America being FAT is cool in my book, no doubt about it. "Nowadays, kids aren't out playing in the streets and hanging out and having a good time," Hall said "They're sitting in front of video games, they're eating a lot of fast food. Even my kids -- I'm trying to get them away from that, too." That being said….isn’t it hypocritical for NFL players to be crusading against childhood obesity when so many of them are….well…..FAT? It’s not that I don’t support the players, lawmakers, , health advocates and men like Atlanta Falcons owner Arthur Blank in their efforts to battle childhood obesity, which Hall rightly called an epidemic, but shouldn’t these people also be preaching that same message to NFL lineman who are going 6’3, 350 pounds? Maybe expand the FIT Kids Act to include flabby pro football players, for a start. Expand the proposed legislation that would require schools, districts and states to report on students' physical activity, and to give kids health and nutritional information. Include the NFL and its teams in the legislation, that way these kids would actually have non-FAT role models to look up to. One day of leading kids in jumping jacks, holding a publicity seeking press conference and signing autographs isn’t going to outweigh (pun intended) the sight of ginormous, fatty players lumbering around the field and on these kids’ TV screens on Sundays. Hopefully these sentiments will make their way to this new legislation’s House sponsor, Rep. Ron Kind, D-Wis. Also, the other players who attended the rally - the Baltimore Ravens’ Jared Gaither, Jameel McClain, Troy Smith and Marcus Maxwell, and Redskin Fred Smoot - can encourage their teammates to take the same advice they’re giving to these kids……

- Dammit, I wondered where I’d put those 60 pounds of cocaine. It’s tough to keep track of your blow, so I have no idea how a supermarket employee in the town of Illertissen, Germany found my 60 pounds of Colombian nose candy inside two boxes of bananas when she opened them. As you might imagine, misplacing $2 million worth of cocaine is embarrassing. “This is obviously a matter of a logistical mistake," a spokesman for the Bavarian State Bureau of Investigation, based in Munich, said. A logistical mistake? Yeah, you could say that. I don’t know who in my Bolivian marching powder operation is responsible for this mistake, but rest assured I will find out and they will pay for it. I don’t grow, cultivate, harvest, cook, process and transport my blow to have some employee with the discount chain Lidl in some small town in Germany end up with 60 pounds of it inside a box of bananas. Whoever stashed them under those bananas, you’re on notice. You wasted 28 kilos, or 61.7 pounds, of perfectly good cocaine, idiot. Instead of going to those who would appreciate it, that coke went across the Atlantic to Antwerp, Belgium, then on to Germany and into the hands of police. "The drug courier obviously screwed up. He simply was not quick enough," the Bavarian State Bureau of Investigation spokesman said. He wasn’t quick enough, smart enough or capable enough and after this screw-up, he’s also not going to be well enough to avoid a visit to the hospital emergency room, if you catch my drift………

- If it’s free or nearly free, count on there being a) a line, and b) a brawl. Whether it’s discounted computers, free tickets to an event, free breakfasts at IHOP or Denny’s or anything else, if it’s being given away at a free or drastically discounted price, people will line up for it and they will fight anyone who tries to prevent them from getting theirs. Managers at Filene's Basement in Atlanta should have known this when they held their annual discount wedding dress sale, but they seem to have been ill prepared nonetheless. An estimated 1,200 women lined up early this morning to buy discount wedding dresses at discounts up to 90 percent. When the store opened at 8 a.m., the scene was akin to those at Wal-Mart, Best Buy, Toys R’ Us and other stores the day after Thanksgiving, when idiot shoppers literally trample each other to death to get the best deals on their chosen items. At Filene, these maniacal brides burst into the store in a mad stampede to grab as many dresses as possible, leaving at least one store customer badly rattled. “I was frightened," Amanda O'Donnell said. “I got to come in a little early so I was bombarded with women. I got into a fistfight, seriously. I was in a tug of war. First, I got away from being stampeded. Then, once I finally got some dresses, I had to get into a fistfight. So, it was terrible.” What a great contrast, these women who are going to do everything in the power to look as beautiful, glamorous and perfect on their wedding day, throwing down with other brides, scratching, clawing and throwing punches to get a cheap wedding dress. Never mind explaining how that blood stain got on your gown when you took a chunk out of some other woman’s arm to snatch it away from her, dammit, you got a dress for less than $50! "It was pandemonium, crazy but you know, I was throwing elbows left and right," Dannika Kamille Smith said. "We weren't going let anybody jump in front of us. We had adrenaline running, just excitement. We were ready." Listen to yourself, you psycho. You just ook part in an event known worldwide as the "Running of the Brides” and you actually sound proud of assaulting other women for wedding dresses. I’m not sure whether to be stunned, mortified or horrified that racks holding nearly 2,200 wedding dresses were cleared in about a minute. Apparently the concept is grabbing as many dresses as possible and hope to find one that works. If none of the ones you’ve ripped from the desperate clutches of another shopper fit, then the next move is to find someone to trade with. I do realize that many people are struggling financially right now in the United States, but personally I’m placing a slightly higher price on my dignity than these women do……….

- Why do police dispatchers, 911 operators and others in that line of work have such a tough time with a job that shouldn’t be all that taxing? Whether it’s legendary 911 operator Mike Forbes asking a woman who called in to request help corralling her two teenage daughters who were beating the crap out of each other if she wanted someone to come over and shoot the girls or people like police dispatcher Becky Hughes of Lebanon City, Fla. doing what she (allegedly) did, it’s mystifying to me. Hughes has resigned from her post after allegedly having sex while on the job. Lebanon City Attorney Mark Yurick claimed that Hughes was working the overnight shift two weeks ago when she invited her boyfriend, David Dakins, and a friend to see the dispatch center. Yurick said that once the two men arrived, Hughes put a call out over the intercom to see if any officers were in the building. When no one responded and she was confident that the building was empty, Hughes is alleged to have started performing oral sex on Dakins while his friend waited in the hallway. “In addition to the nature, the specific nature of the conduct, it was certainly inappropriate for her to be engaged in any kind of conduct that was distracting or could've potentially distracted her from doing her job," said Yurick. The problem for Hughes was that there actually was a sergeant in the building at the time of the incident, with surveillance video from inside the dispatch center appearing to show the sergeant walking in on Hughes and Dakins. In the internal investigation that followed, Hughes had the chutzpah to deny doing anything inappropriate and calling it a joke. “As soon as the radio traffic stops, I go down real quick to make it look like I was giving David (oral sex), which I wasn't. I will swear to you I wasn't," she said. “If I could take back those two seconds, I would.” Here’s where I run into trouble in regards to buying the story you’re selling, B.: you admitted that Dankins had his pants down in the dispatch center while you were working. I’m sorry, but if a guy has his pants down and you’re on video (and in your own words) as going down there with his pants down, you weren’t joking about anything. You did the deed, so don’t continue denying it and insulting everyone’s intelligence. Thankfully no emergency calls came in during the time you were servicing your boyfriend in the dispatch center, so no one was put in peril because of your idiotic actions. That’s about the only positive to come from this incident………

Idiots banning outdoor couches, a Smallville recap and China continues to dominate in toxic product production

- Go China! You show the world that you can produce dangerous, toxic and often deadly products in a wide range of fields. Already, you’ve conquered the field of hygiene products (toxic toothpaste), toys, human food and pet food, so moving on to something like drywall just makes good sense. Of course, officials in Florida are still looking into claims that Chinese-made drywall installed in some Florida homes is emitting smelly, corrosive gases and ruining household systems such as air conditioners, so that isn’t confirmed just yet. But no worries, as I am confident that once the Florida Health Department investigates whether the drywall poses any health risks, they (and we) will find out that the Chinese have cornered yet another area of the world’s toxic product market. This could be a big one, too; the state of Florida has received more than 140 homeowner complaints and class-action lawsuits allege defective drywall has caused problems in at least two other states -- Louisiana and Alabama -- while some attorneys involved claim such drywall may have been used in tens of thousands of U.S. homes. According to lawsuits filed by homeowners, the drywall has caused them to suffer health problems such as headaches and sore throats and face huge repair expenses. Oh, and because the drywall is alleged to have high levels of sulfur the drywall emits the smell of rotten eggs and corrodes piping and wiring, causing electronics and appliances to fail. “It's economically devastating, and it's emotionally devastating,” said Florida attorney Ervin A. Gonzalez, who filed one of the lawsuits. The problem is so great that fixing it would cost a third of an affected home's value to fix the dwelling, Gonzalez said. Many of the affected homes were built or renovated in 2005 and 2006, following devastating hurricanes plowing into the state, which combined with a nationwide construction boom to create a domestic drywall shortage that led to many builders turning to imported drywall. All of these details are secondary, by the way, because the important thing to remember is that the Chinese quest for world domination - well, at least domination of defective, toxic and faulty products - is rolling on and there appears to be no one who can stop this train………

- Dude, what the frak is wrong with the Pittsburgh City Council? Banning indoor furniture on porches and stoops is a bogus decision, one that shows just how out of touch and heinous these council idiots are. I don’t buy for one second the lies the council used to justify its decision, namely that the couches are a health hazard because they can attract rodents and also that couch burning during celebrations by students at the University of Pittsburgh are a hazard. First, you’re telling me that rodents are coming to Pittsburgh specifically because there are couches on people’s front porches? Those rodents wouldn’t already be in the city anyhow? Oh, and what’s the big deal with burning a couch to celebrate your team’s big win? If you have a problem with people burning couches to celebrate a victory by their favorite team, you’ve got a problem with yourself. People like University of Pittsburgh student Ryan Soncini, who has a couch on his front porch, are going to suffer because of this new law. "I think if it's during games it should be inside, or have them dealt with during like, say, games or something like that," he said. “But just anytime, it doesn't seem reasonable at all.” Fellow Pitt student Jacob Brown concurred with Soncini’s assessment, saying that “City Council is overstepping their bounds” and lamenting the wasting of “our tax dollars on stupid legislation.” Violators will face fines ranging from $200 to $500 a day plus court fees, which gets me to thinking…..could this just be a blatant cash grab by the council? After all, the sorry state of the economy is hitting hard in places like Pittsburgh, so you’re telling me the city council is above enacting some bogus, lame law just to scrounge up a few extra bucks? Should you want to send your threats, complaints, etc. to someone on this matter, Councilman Bruce Kraus would be your guy. He introduced the bill that became law on Tuesday, banning "upholstered furniture manufactured primarily for indoor use" from porches, balconies and non-enclosed areas. Who decides what constitutes indoor furniture, anyhow? Seems rather subjective and no quote my man Jacob Brown, stupid………

- Plenty of heartbreak and hurt on tonight’s Smallville. With Jimmy Olsen finally transferred back to Metropolis General for the final leg of his recovery from being mauled by Doomsday at his own wedding reception, you’d think it would be happy times for Jimmy and his new bride Chloe. However, Jimmy’s return to Metropolis turns bizarre when he wakes up in the middle of the night, hears a commotion in the hall outside and walks out to find a panicked man running from something and pleading with Jimmy to help him. Jimmy brushes the man off as a rambling drunk, but a minute later he sees a dark, hooded figure catch up with the man, put a bag over his head and suffocate him. The figure turns into the light and Jimmy sees something that startles him: it’s Davis Blume. Seeing a paramedic, a man who should be helping people, murder a man is jarring. Jimmy also realizes Chloe and Davis have a relationship, so he’s understandably on edge the next morning when Chloe comes to visit and he must tell her about what he saw. As he’s explaining the night’s events to Chloe, Davis shows up and informs Jimmy that because of the story he’s been telling, Davis has spent the night at the police station being questioned by a homicide detective. Davis insists the man Jimmy saw him with came to the hospital in an ambulance and fled from the nurses in the emergency room, so Davis helped chase him down. He also attributes Jimmy’s story to being high on pain medications, which Chloe seems to buy into even if Jimmy doesn’t. His feelings are further trampled when he sees Chloe and Davis talking in the hall, with Chloe trying to apologize to Davis for Jimmy’s behavior and the two sharing a hug as Jimmy looks on from his room. He decides to get some proof of Davis’ murderous ways, stealing an EMT’s uniform and sneaking onto Davis’ ambulance where he finds the body of the man he saw Davis kill. When Davis finds Jimmy inside the ambulance, he first tries to explain why the man’s death was a good thing - namely that he was a drunk driver who killed a mother and daughter the night before - and then injects Jimmy with some mind-altering drugs that cause an episode in which Jimmy hallucinates a scene of Doomsday attacking Chloe at the hospital and himself trying to save her. In reality, he’s banging on the door to an empty room as nurses, Davis and Chloe look on. Jimmy is humiliated, but again he bounces back and tries to prove who Davis really is. Motivated by the painful memory of seeing his wife hugging another man, he tracks Davis down as he’s out on the streets, looking to administer some more vigilante justice. That’s been Davis’ M.O. of late, especially after a show-opening scene in which he visits a church for confession and admits to the priest that he has a beast inside of him that he’s constantly fighting. The priest urges Davis to overcome evil with good, which Davis clearly takes as a call to administer some hands-on justice. When Jimmy catches up with him, he’s about to confront a burglar. Instead, it’s a steel pipe to the back of the head from Mr. Olsen and handcuffs on either hand, chaining him to a fence. Jimmy is dishing out some punishment of his own, waiting for Chloe to show up after he called her to the scene so she could see who Davis really is. Instead, Chloe sneaks up from behind and administers a Taser blast to her own husband before kneeling down and placing her hand on Davis’ shoulder. He’s just about to morph into Doomsday, having been spurred on by Jimmy’s aggression, but Chloe’s presence calms him down and keeps his true identity from her. However, it may also have been the death blow for Jimmy and Chloe’s marriage, as when she shows up to the hospital the next day to pick Jimmy up as he’s officially discharged, he tells her they have no real home to go to, that marrying her was the worst mistake he ever made and that he doesn’t want her around. Chloe is left in tears as Jimmy storms off, driving away popping pain pills as his estranged wife bawls her eyes out. Oh, I should also probably get to Clark Kent, since he is the show’s main man. CK has been working to estsblish his dual identity as the red/blue blur by night, saving Metropolis and its citizens, and Clark Kent by day. The plan seems to be working, even if Chloe continually cautions Clark about the peril he’s in trying to maintain that balance. Clark’s plans to protect Metropolis take a temporary detour when his boss, Tess Mercer, informs him that he’ll be accompanying her to Los Angeles for a press conference announcing a major corporate expansion for LuthorCorp. What Clark doesn’t know is that the trip is a ruse to try to expose his powers, which Tess is growing increasingly suspicious of. She has the journals Lex Luthor kept about Clark and has seen the room in the Luthor Mansion dedicated to Clark and all his miraculous saves of Lex’s life. Tess and Clark take off in Oliver Queen’s private jet, headed for L.A. and their supposed press conference. With Queen Industries and LuthorCorp now merged, they’re all “one big happy conglomerate,” as Tess puts it. As the flight gets underway, she tries to get Clark to open up at the abilities she suspects he’s hiding, talking about how Lex kept journals about him, envied him and wanted to be like him. Clark tries to fend her off using alcohol, knowing he’s impervious to its effects (another nice benefit of being Superman, can’t get drunk), but Tess proves adept at holding her liquor. She does open up enough to share about her past, telling tales of a drunk abusive father and her dreams of escaping that life and being rescued by her “prince.” But those revelations seem less genuine when Tess tries to follow them up by getting Clark to share his own secrets, a “I showed you mine, now show me yours” ploy. Clark fends off the attempt, but little does he know that the games have only just begun. Tess, having paid off the pilot to bail from the plane and stage a crash, is dead set on exposing Clark’s secret. When the plane hits turbulence and Clark goes to the cockpit, he finds the pilot gone. Tess lies and says that she couldn’t find the parachutes, which she did find but eschewed using because she figured that would force Clark to use his powers to save both of them. Thinking quick, Clark puts an oxygen mask over Tess’ mouth, then chokes off the oxygen flow so Tess will pass out. Once she’s out, he can spring into action. He takes Tess in his arms, jumps out of the plane and they land in the middle of the desert. The story of the crash is front-page news, with Clark and Tess back in Smallville the next day. When Clark visits Tess at the Luthor Mansion, she telling him that she knew she was okay when she woke up in the hospital in New Mexico and saw him standing beside her bed. So CK dodges another bullet, but he’s still working on balancing his red/blue blur life and the rest of his life, no doubt. Tune in next week to see how he keeps up with that challenge…….

- The first two days of the NCAA Tournament are the best days in all of sports, no question. Depending on what you like in your NCAA Tournament action, today was either a pretty ho-hum, business-as-usual day of basketball or a huge disappointment. If you’re someone like me who enjoys upsets and Cinderella stories, today was not your day. The higher seeds won most games and the only lowers seeds to win were teams seeded tenth in their region, not exactly a massive upset. Teams like American University, the No. 14 seed in the East Regional, teased on a big upset but couldn’t deliver. The Eagles led No. 3 seed Villanova by 10 at halftime in what was essentially a home game for the Wildcats at the Wachovia Center in Philadelphia and actually held their lead for the first ten minutes of the second half before ‘Nova remembered why they’re the third seed, pulled their heads out of their asses and started making plays and playing with intensity. Their 80-67 win propelled them into the second round, just like the No. 2 seed in the West, the Memphis Tigers. Like Villanova, Memphis struggled mightily with an underdog from a minor conference: Cal-State Northridge. The Tigers trailed much of the game against the Matadors, ultimately pulling out a 10-point win that was as unimpressive as a 10-point win can be. The only real drama for the day came in the evening session, when No. 12 seed Western Kentucky, a fan favorite and trendy upset pick, jumped out to a big lead against fifth-seeded Illinois and hung on to win 76-72, becoming the lowest seed to win on the day. Overall, the excitement was present mainly because it was the first day of the tournament and not because of what happened on the court. Don’t get me wrong, today and tomorrow are still the two best days in sports, but Friday is going to need to carry a lot bigger chunk of the excitement burden this time around…..

- Californians have a reputation for being the following: plastic, fake, superficial, arrogant and environmentally minded. It’s the last of those that the average Californian would probably be most proud of (although I doubt the honest among them would deny the other characterizations), and it’s that tendency to worry about the environment that is at the forefront of a decision made by the city council in Palo Alto. Palo Alto is best known as the home to Stanford University, will also be known as the town that banned plastic bags at their local supermarkets. On Monday night the city council voted 7-1 in favor of a plastic bag ban at grocery store checkout counters, with stores having six months to phase out the bags. The ban on plastic has been under consideration for a year, says Phil Bobel, manager of the city’s environmental compliance division. “The main reason for restricting plastic bags is their persistence in the environment. The bags blow and migrate easily, making proper disposal difficult.” In other words, people are lazy and stupid, they let plastic bags blow away and they end up in places they shouldn’t be. Often, those places are in sectors of certain ecosystems where they greatly impact wildlife, especially marine animals. Seven stores will be affected by the ban, with a few stores in the area ahead of the curve and having used only paper bags for some time now. Some proponents of the new law want the council to consider extending its reach to include retail stores. Props to you for doing something good for the environment, Palo Alto, hopefully other towns will follow suit and help make their impact on the environment a little less………

Lost does a little better, Congress pretends to be noble and P.J. Hill's interesting NFL Draft preparation

- Call me optimistic and forgiving, but I’m actually pretty pumped up by the scam that Nigerian college student Lawal Adekunie Nurudeen worked to bilk an Australian woman out of $47,000 online. You may be asking how I can be happy about a scam in which a woman was fleeced of her life savings by a con artist, so allow me to explain. Pretty much all of us have gotten those spam emails about how a Nigerian prince has come into a massive fortune, except it’s somehow locked up in legal red tape and he needs our $5,000 in order to work through that red tape, after which he’ll split this massive fortune with us. It’s such a common occurrence that it’s one of the running jokes people use when they talk about spam. The very fact that Nurudeen is actually Nigerian and running his scam from Nigeria gives him a few bonus points in my books. Sure, he’s now headed to prison for 19 years in prison for scamming this poor women by pretending to be a widowed white businessman desperately in love with her. And yes, a court in Ikeja in southwest Nigeria ruled that will also have to pay back the 56-year-old woman, selling the two plots of land and the Honda Prelude he bought with her money to do so. For the cynics out there, throwing away a potentially promising future (Nurudeen was an engineering student when he met the woman online in 2007) could seem like a bad play. On the other side of the equation, I suppose you can feel bad for this woman, but at least hear what a pathetic, desperate loser she is before you jump to any conclusions. Chick has admitted that she was looking for a husband online but had been disappointed in the men she had met. Take that as a) a blessing, as you avoid all of the other losers trolling for a mate in cyberspace, and b) evidence of just how pathetic people are who are openly seeking a spouse online. Unfortunately for this woman, Nurudeen was lurking and jumped in to sweep her off her desperate feet. "The convict, who is married with three children, instantly applied and told the victim that she had met Mr. Right," Nigerian authorities said in a statement. For this woman, Mr. Right was apparently a 57-year-old British engineer working with a multinational company in Nigeria whose wife and only child had died in a road accident in Lagos, the former capital of the country. To cap off his deceit, Nurudeen sent a picture of a white man to the victim to prove he was legit, and a false life story plus random picture pulled from Google images was enough for the woman to agree to marry him. After that, Nurudeen began reeling in his prey, working the part of his plan that earned the money. He called the woman pretending to be a doctor, told her that her fiancé had been in an accident and requested money for treatment. Being the stupid, desperate, pathetic loser she is, the woman obliged. After receiving the money, Nurudeen let two weeks pass before calling the woman again, thanking her for her kindness and telling her that he would like to visit her in Australia. Again, this pathetic woman obliged when Nurudeen asked her for airfare, cash for customs clearance and other incidentals. It was shortly thereafter that Nurudeen was caught, although authorities didn’t offer any details as to how that happened. What they did reveal was that prior to his arrest, Nurudeen bilked the woman out of $47,000. Part of me does feel bad for this woman because you don’t want to see anyone duped so heinously, but a bigger part of me feels like she deserved what she got for being so very stupid and so very desperate……

- No, you’re not ridiculous and a total punch line at all, America's Next Top Model. Never mind your borderline-unstable, ditzy and schizophrenic host, Tyra Banks. Forget those bizarre, ridiculous outfits you slam your contestants into. Just brush aside the one person on your judging panel who I can legitimately not tell the sex of, male or female. Oh, and that little dust up in which three people were arrested and at least six others suffered minor injuries at a Saturday afternoon casting call for your show, never mind that either. The fact that your train wreck of a show has made it to Season 13 is equal parts amazing and depressing, but this is a first, even for you. No one is quite sure of the exact cause of the brawl, although multiple witnesses cited a general lack of organization at the tryout, as well as a panic that erupted when someone screamed that a smoking car was about to explode. How that all translates into wannabe models throwing down with one another, I have no idea. Maybe it has something to do with this being the first incarnation of the show to admit women 5-foot-7 and shorter, a fact I find amazing. Short people can have a Napoleon complex, so maybe that’s what happened here. Either that or a bunch of egotistical, self-important, wannabe reality TV stars crammed into a space to small to hold their gigantic egos and the inevitable cattiness broke out. "People were pushing, screaming, yelling at each other," one attention-starved loser/applicant said. “It was chaos.” In the madness, dozens of women were knocked to the ground and nearly trampled, but only two were taken to the hospital with minor injures, while four other injured parties refused medical attention. Those who remained didn’t get what they came for, as police shut down the casting call. Two women and one man were then arrested on charges of disorderly conduct and inciting to riot (no, this is not a good riot for my Riot Watch! feature, we don’t salute losers who riot at reality show auditions). Honestly…..these people got what they deserved; those who were injured, those who were arrested and the rest of the losers who had to go home without being able to audition. Fact is, you make any effort to be a reality show contestant and you deserve whatever sort of pain and suffering you receive……..

- Thanks for making the draft-day decisions of many NFL teams that much easier, P.J. Hill. Teams may have been asking themselves if using a first-day draft pick on Hill was a good idea, given the fact that he’s an overweight, speed-lacking running back who might have trouble breaking long runs and getting to the edge against speedy NFL linebackers and safeties. Some teams may have also had questions about Hill’s character, about whether he’s a good person, a solid citizen and someone who would represent their franchise well in the community. With one boneheaded incident, P.J. Hill answered all of those questions and then some. Early Saturday morning, the former University of Wisconsin Badger was heading home from a night of partying and drinkning in Madison, Wis. and made the indefensible decision to drive while hammered out of his mind. That’s strike one, because clearly NFL teams don’t want guys on their team who rack up DUIs; fans tend not to like that. But this is no ordinary DUI arrest, not by any stretch of the imagination. On his way home from the bar or party where he last was, Hill smashed into a guardrail near a campus-area gas station and just kept going. Police were called to the scene, got a description of the vehicle from witnesses and went looking for it. They found the car at a traffic light in the area, which is when Hill made yet another moronic decision: running from the cops - strike two. Police attempted to stop the vehicle but Hill was off, darting through traffic like he wove his way through Big Ten secondaries the past few years. Of course, he wasn’t drunk (at least I don’t think he was) when trying to elude tacklers on the field. Here, he was extremely drunk, as evidenced by the fact that he crashed his vehicle into a retaining wall. Clearly, P.J. Hill is not a man who values the well-being of inanimate traffic control and road safety devices, because within an hour he crushed two of them - strike three. With his car inoperable and the cops closing in, P.J. Hill faced a tough choice: stop running, face the music and surrender or flee on foot. But by now, you know which choice he made: fleeing on foot. For some odd reason, he felt he could outrun the cops, their cars (unlike his, still operable) and their radios. Flashing that underwhelming speed that NFL scouts had lamented, Hill was chased down from behind by the police not far from his apartment. Maybe he felt that if he could make it to his home base, he could claim sanctuary or something like that, I don’t know. We’ll never know because Hill never made it home, as he was chased down from behind by a cop who apparently has better draft prospects than Hill at this point, given his 1) superior speed and 2) lack of pending DUI charges - strike four. Hill was arrested at gunpoint on suspicion of drunken driving and leading police on a chase. Not exactly the way most guys go about preparing for the NFL draft - well, everyone outside of former Ohio State offensive lineman Alex Boone, who got plastered out in San Diego over the holidays, started jumping on cars, yanking on the chain of a tow truck and fleeing police before trying to hide under a porch. Maybe Hill and Boone have been sharing draft preparation tips? If so, I’d advise all other draft prospects to eschew their workout secrets and stick to the gym and practice field…….

- If there is any justice at all in this world, then insurance giant AIG truly will have to return to the Treasury Department the $165 million it just paid out in executive bonuses. How the company could accept hundreds of billions of dollars to stay afloat and use that money to fund undeserved, unnecessary and wasteful bonuses to executives defies all logic, business sense, responsibility and decency. I sincerely hope that when Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner writes a letter to congressional leaders promising to make AIG pay the money back, he can deliver on his promise. "We will impose on AIG a contractual commitment to pay the treasury from the operations of the company the amount of the retention awards just paid," Geithner wrote. "In addition, we will deduct from the $30 billion in assistance an amount equal to the amount of those payments.” Do the math and you see that if Geithner’s threats bear out, they would mean a double payment, essentially a $165 million penalty, assessed to AIG for issuing the bonuses. Some thanks should go out to New York Attorney General Andrew Cuomo, who confirmed in a letter to Congress that after receiving federal bailout money, AIG paid 73 employees bonuses of more than $1 million each. This is a messy situation, as plenty of blame is being thrown around to the many responsible parties. Congress is complicit because it passed legislation in regards to the bailout that mandated bailout money be used to pay such bonuses if they were already in the contracts of employees. AIG is obviously to blame for being so idiotic, insensitive, irresponsible and ignorant as to dole out hundreds of millions of dollars in bonuses when it was failing financially and obviously needed the money for operations first and foremost. Paying bonuses as large as $6.4 million in such a situation is inexcusable and represents the exact sort of financial irresponsibility that has taken the American economy right down the crapper these past few months. There is some solid humor to be found in two senators - Sens. Max Baucus, D-Montana, and Chuck Grassley, R-Iowa - spearheading a plan to impose a hefty tax on retention bonuses paid to executives of companies that received federal bailout money or in which the United States has an equity interest. Why so funny? Because as I said, if Congress had made sure at the outset of the bailout talk to mandate that no bailout money could be used for anything but operations and paying debts, this mess could have been avoided. So nice thoughts by the chairman and top Republican on the Senate Finance Committee, respectively, subjecting all retention bonuses to a 35 percent excise tax for excessive compensation to be paid by the company and an additional 35 percent tax to be paid by the individual, but too little too late. Spare me the rhetoric and stop pretending that you weren’t as guilty as anyone in this situation. No one is buying your innocence or white knight status, Congress. At this point, we don’t need any more hypocrisy or false bravado. What we do need is to punish these companies for their ass-hatted, selfish ways and make sure that this sort of behavior is never allowed to take place ever again………

- Was that so difficult, Lost? A good episode without excluding multiple crucial characters has been a rarity this season, so tonight’s episode was pretty solid overall. First, we learned what exactly happened - sort of - with the crash of Ajira Airlines Flight 316. Frank Lapidus and his co-pilot were discussing the irony of Hurley being a passenger on their plane, flying over the same area where Oceanic 815 crashed, when the turbulence and blinding white time-travel flash engulfed the plane. The next thing we saw after the flash was the plane - sans Hurley, Kate and Jack - spinning out of control just above the island, engines dying and a crash imminent. Lapidus manages to pull the plane out of its nosedive long enough to spot a long strip of bare ground that he can use as a runway, bringing the plane down but finding there isn’t enough room to stop the plane. “Prepare for impact!,” he screams as the plane crashes into the forest, impaling his co-pilot on a tree that comes through the windshield. In the aftermath of the crash, Lapidus tries to keep everyone calm as they pile out of the plane and onto the beach. He asks Sun where Jack, Kate and Hurley are, but she doest know and Ben Linus doesn’t either, saying only, “They’re gone.” The ironic next scene shows Sun on the beach, glancing at her husband Jin’s wedding ring as the other crash survivors scurry about, trying to figure out what’s going on and what to do next, a déjà vu moment from the pilot episode of the show when Sun was in a very similar situation. As Lapidus tries to rally the survivors and get them to build a fire and camp while waiting to be rescued, Ben sneaks off into the jungle and Sun follows him. He doubles back behind her, then confronts her as to why she’s following him. Ben then explain that they are currently not on the main island, but rather on the secondary island the Others used back in the future, the same island Sawyer was taken to and shown the main island from a cliff a couple seasons ago. He’s going back to the main island to get supplies and support from the dwelling where “his people” live. Sun is welcome to come, Ben tells her, and she agrees to go despite Lapidus’ pleadings not to go because Ben isn’t trustworthy. Sun explains she must trust Ben, but once he reveals his plan to take a boat from the beach across the water to a dock on the main island, Sun knocks him out with a paddle from the boat and reveals that she never really trusted him. Instead, Sun and Lapidus row to the other side, where they find the barracks formerly used by both the Dharma Initiative and the Others, but which are now deserted. As they land at the dock, the trees and bushes nearby rustle and shake, just like the trees in the forest on the island do when the Black Smoke Monster is in the vicinity. Sun and Frank venture on, with Sun saying it was probably just an animal. The barracks are empty, no lights are on and Frank tells Sun that she probably won't be finding Jin here. Just then, a light goes on and out of one of the houses steps none other than Christian Shephard, father of Jack and Claire and a man who appears to be everywhere on the island even though he’s supposed to be dead. Already, he’s been in the cabin of Jacob, the mysterious, unseen leader of the Others, in the cave with John Locke when Locke left the island via the mysterious turning wheel and in numerous other places in the jungle. Christian summons Frank and Sun inside, where he shows them a photograph of Dharma recruits to the island from 1977, showing Hurley, Kate and Jack with the rest of the recruits. Then, Christian informs Sun, “You’ve got a long journey ahead of you.” Of course, that journey is back to 1977, where the rest of the Oceanic 6 somehow ended up after disappearing from Ajira 316, even as Sun stayed in 2007. Two weeks ago, we saw Sawyer/LaFleur (as he’s known to his Dharma peeps) summed out to the north valley on the island by Jin, who had located Hurley, Kate and Jack. After an emotional reunion, Sawyer tells the trio that they need to stay put until he can figure out a story to explain their presence on the island. As for Jin….let’s just say he has other things on his mind. When he hears Jack say that Sun was also on the flight, he rushes off to the Flame station to check with Rudzinski, the man who works the station whose primary purpose is surveillance and communication. Meanwhile, Sawyer returns to the barracks and explains the situation to Juliet, who comes up with the idea to sneak Jack, Kate and Hurley’s names onto the passenger list of the submarine coming in later that day to bring the next group of Dharma recruits in. While Juliet wriggles her way into overseeing the list and those coming to the island, Sawyer packs some clothes for his returning friends and returns to the valley. With everyone dressed in era-appropriate swag and on board with their cover story, Sawyer drives them to the barracks and explains that they should just blend in with the rest of the newcomers and when their names are called by those running the registration process, they should go along with whatever they’re asked to do. That works fine for Jack, whose name is indeed called by none other than Dr. Edgar Halliwax, the mysterious doctor from all of the training videos seen in previous seasons at various Dharma stations around the island. He’s going by the name Chang in 1977, but whatever his name, Jack is able to talk his way through the registration process and is given his very own Dharma jumpsuit and job assignment: janitor. Hurley doesn’t have much trouble either, but Kate looks to be in trouble when Phil, one of the more annoying Dharma members and one of those running registration, chats her up and finds out she’s not on the list. At the last moment, Juliet swoops in with her amended list and takes over in checking Kate in. This was an ironic, tense moment because of the obvious problem on the horizon between the two, i.e. both are in love with Sawyer on some level. But for the time being, Jack, Kate and Hurley clear registration and are now official Dharma members, Hurley is less than thrilled for one reason, that being the fact that he remembers the purge that took place in which the Others - led by Ben Linus - slaughtered the Dharma Initiative members. I guess it remains to be seen if the Oceanic 6, Sawyer and Juliet are caught up in that nasty incident. Another major problem develops around the same time over at the Flame, where Jin arrives and has Rudzinski check with every station on the island, finding that none of them saw a plane crash. Jin is about the leave and figure out his next move when an alarm goes off signaling an intruder in Sector 14. Thinking it may be Sun, Jin rushes out into the jungle and instead finds Sayid. Because Rudzinski is right behind him, Jin must pretend that he does not know Sayid to keep his own cover intact. Sayid is taken into custody at the flame, with Sawyer called in by Jin to help diffuse the situation. Sawyer is able to keep Sayid safe by getting him to lie and say he’s a Hostile (what Others were called in 1977), which means that under the terms of the truce between the Dharma Initiative and the Hostiles, he’s protected. A trip to the barracks follows, with Sayid as prisoner. He hops out of the Dharma van and spots his fellow Oceanic 6 members, to which Hurley mumbles, “I guess we found Sayid.” Sayid is then marched down into a holding cell underground, where Sawyer is confident he’s safe for the time being. Later in the day, Sayid is brought a sandwich by an interesting good Samaritan: a young Ben Linus, whom Sayid recognizes, but the recognition obviously doesn’t extend both ways because Ben didn’t meet Sayid until 2004. Back on ground level, sun sets on the barracks and Jack decides it’s a good time to visit Sawyer/LaFleur and talk about their situation. Jack is stunned to find Juliet and Sawyer living together, but after a big hug from Juliet, Jack finds the reception chilly. Juliet leaves the two men alone to talk, with the conversation quickly turning to Sayid. Sawyer explains that he’s managed to keep him safe, but when Jack presses the issue Sawyer fights back. Jack criticizes Sawyer for reading a book and seemingly relaxing at such an important time, Sawyer retorts that he once heard that Winston Churchill once read a book each night, even during wars, because it helped him to think and analyze. The problem with Jack’s leadership before he left the island, Sawyer reasons, was that he just reacted and didn’t think enough. Ironic, because you’d think a well-educated doctor would be the one who thought and analyzed everything and the uneducated con artist would be the one who reacted. Ultimately, Sawyer throws down the gauntlet, saying he’s the leader of their little group now and he’ll be the one doing the planning. He tells Jack to go back to his house and not worry about the situation. In seeing Jack off, Sawyer spots Kate on the porch of her house, a couple of houses over from his own, and the two exchange a rather loaded wave and exchange of glances. That’s where things end, capping a pretty solid episode. Other interesting moments included finding out that the baby born to Amy and Horace, one of the couples leading the Dharma crew, was Ethan, who we know turned out to be one of the more devious and troublesome others for the Oceanic 815 survivors. Also, Amy asked Juliet when she and Sawyer/LaFleur would have a baby of their own and a bummed Juliet (having just learned of Kate’s return), sighs, “When the timing is right,” which it clearly isn’t. Lots to chew on and next week’s episode is allegedly pretty violent and bloody, so tune in for that one…….