Success is boring

Success is boring. That’s about the only explanation as to why athletes who have never actually won anything or been a champion receive 99.99% of the coverage in sports. Think about how many times the following names have appeared in TV, radio, online and newspaper stories recently and then realize that precisely none of them have ever won a championship series, race or match: Barry Bonds, Danica Patrick, Michelle Wie, Terrell Owens, Allen Iverson, Alex Rodriguez, etc.
Why? Winning is secondary, that’s why. At least to most of the world, sports are about endorsements, controversy, money and fame. So many factions exist - media, ownership, fans, players, agents, etc. - and so many of them benefit whether or not actual winning of championships is involved that the conclusion is essentially inevitable. The media doesn’t care who wins; the team they are covering wins, fine, they can report on that. If that team loses, they can criticize and lament and bemoan, to the extent that losing is almost better for them because it gives them more to talk about.
Owners, sadly, are about the bottom line as much as winning, many of them leaning heavily toward the financial side. How else can you explain that major league baseball has to enact rules to ensure that small-market teams who receive money redistributed by revenue sharing actually use the money to improve their teams? That’s right, if they aren't forced to, many of them would pocket the money rather than use it to put a better team on the field.
Players? You can debate their motives for playing for hours and not reach a conclusion. Sure, you’d like to believe that they’re all out there for one reason: to win. Fact is, if you believe that, you probably also believe that Big Foot, the Loch Ness Monster and Jimmy Hoffa come over to my house for a friendly poker game every Thursday. Undoubtedly, there are athletes who play for personal accomplishment, fame, wealth and status. Ricky Davis, then of the Cleveland Cavaliers, shot a ball at his own team’s basket in an attempt to get the tenth rebound and secure a triple double. Dozens of football players hold out from training camp because they want more money, instead of coming to camp and getting ready for the season.
Agents are concerned with….umm, winning, right? Or maybe they’re concerned with making more money and getting more clients. I’ll go with the latter. Please don’t tell me Drew “Gloryhound” Rosenhaus gives a crap how bad a team his clients go to, as long as they get the juiciest possible contract, thus getting him the highest possible commission. Scott Boras is the baseball world’s Rosenhaus, to the point that team avoid drafting Boras-represented players even if they’re the most talented, just to avoid negotiating with Boras. Alex Rodriguez signed a deal with the Rangers that nearly crippled the team financially, and his agent (Boras) got the deal for him even though it meant Texas couldn’t afford to sign any other quality players and be competitive.
That brings us to the fans. Seems like a slam-dunk, right? Fans want their team to win, period. But even that’s not a stone cold lock now, because maybe you want your team to win, or maybe you just follow the guys on your fantasy team. Maybe you like to bet, and the only thing you care about is making your three-team teaser or parlay. Yes, the majority of fans root for their team to be successful, and the true die-hards are in there, looking at stats, analyzing trades and roster moves, passionately following their team. Not enough of those fans exist, though. They’re being phased out by the sensationalism, by those looking to make a name, make a buck or make themselves look good by talking up T.O., blasting Barry or drooling over Danica.

Movie review time

The second Pirates of the Caribbean movie, Dead Man’s Chest, is out in theaters and is a resounding success, breaking all kinds of box office records. Whether it’s a true success as a movie depends on the criteria you’re using for such a characterization. If you’re comparing it to the rest of the summer movie offerings, then yes, it’s phenomenal and the best value for your money at the theater (if there is such a thing with the exorbitant ticket prices nowadays). But if you hold it up to the standard set by the first movie in the series, originally released in 2003, then the second installment comes up lacking.

Dead Man’s Chest begins with a simple enough premise. Will Turner and Elizabeth Swann are to be married. Their wedding is sidetracked, though, and what ensues is a plot as convoluted and confusing as the latest installment of the U.S. tax code. While the visual effects, humor and action are there, the storyline(s) meander and intertwine, then separate, do a little Chinese fire drill action, spinning around in circles and have you saying “Huh?” on more than one occasion.

In the initial Pirates film, there was continuity, direction and a cohesive picture working throughout. In the sequel, producer Jerry Bruckheimer lets the train come off of the tracks a bit, although not to the point of complete disaster. If you were watching the second installment without ever having seen or heard about the first one, you’d come away satisfied. But when the bar was set so high the first time around, the raised expectations are a reality the director and producers have to deal with.

The third picture in the series is already in the can, set to be released next year. Let’s hope that Dead Man’s Chest was merely an aberration, a slight loss of focus by director, producer and crew. One thing you can be sure of is that Johnny Depp will be spectacular, charming and ornery in his role as Captain Jack Sparrow, Keira Knightley will still be scorching hot and the action will be wall to wall. The rest is up in the air, but doesn’t that add to the thrill?

the music world is in definite trouble

The music world is in serious trouble. I don’t think it takes a great deal of perceptual analysis and in-depth research to figure that out, but I’ll throw some numbers at you anyhow. The Pussycat Dolls have the seventh most popular single with their scintillating” ditty, Buttons. Paris Hilton (yeah, that one) checks in at #34 on the same chart. The Black Eyed Peas reached #18 with a song titled Pump It (very subtle, Peas) and their current album Monkey Business sits in the Top 60 albums in retail sales

Of course, you can quickly summarize the trouble with music right now by realizing that two of the most popular artists right now are the aforementioned Pussycat Dolls and the Black Eyed Peas. With lyrical subtlety rarely seen this side of a Bazooka gum wrapper and the same depth as a drop of spit, these two artists receive an inordinate amount of air time on our nation’s radio airwaves and their videos populate too much of the video rotation on MTV, VH1, etc.

Take the Pussycat Dolls, for example. I don’t own their album (thankfully, because that’s a punishment that should be reserved for only our nation’s most heinous criminals), but the songs from it that I have heard all sound identical. They center on the inevitable theme of “hot girl, wants to hook up with some dude”. What’s worse is that there are six of these poseurs, meaning they take the horra (much like horror, but ratcheted up a notch) of sappy sweet pop music and multiply it six-fold.

Consider lyrical gems from the group, such as: “Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me, Don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me (don't cha, don't cha), Don't cha wish your girlfriend was raw like me, Don't cha wish your girlfriend was fun like me,” (from the song Don’tcha), and “But I can't seem to get you over here to help take this off. Baby, can't you see? How these clothes are fitting on me" (from the song Buttons). And yes, these are “hit” songs, hits at least based on the fact that they made it to the upper echelon of the Billboard charts.

The Peas aren't much better, hitting musical home runs with thought provoking ballads like My Humps, Let’s Get It Started and Don’t Phunk with My Heart. Sports franchises and networks latched onto Get It Started, and it became a stadium anthem, meaning there was one less place you could go to get away from it. If repetitive beats, shallow lyrics, choreographed dancing and hideous fashion are your niche, maybe you could listen to this music without reaching for a rusty ice pick to jab into your ear lobes. Otherwise, your response to it has to be staring at a bare spot on the floor, muttering to yourself and ruminating about what has happened to music.

Not every artist can have the guitar wizardry of Hendrix, the pioneering effect of the Beatles, the early rock sound of Bowie, the spit in your face punkness of the Ramones or the gritty, dirty revolutionism of Cobain. Not everyone wants the same genre of music, and that makes sense enough. But it’s not too much to ask that all artists at least do more than regurgitate beats they’ve lifted from the 80’s and 90’s, mix in bad dancing-laden videos, trot out lyrics that your average American teenager could write on the back of their notebooks in study hall and expect us to lap it up.

Sadly, a culture has developed for this musical drivel, and that means it isn’t going away any time soon. Shows like TRL cater to it, and radio stations aren't so much concerned with putting on quality music as they are shoveling the same repackaged crap to their listeners and finding ways to maximize advertising dollars. If you search and dig and scour, you can still find bands out there who don’t follow everyone else over the musical cliff like lemmings.

Death Cab for Cutie, the White Stripes, the Elms, Jack Johnson, Snow Patrol, Rise Against, Interpol…………there are a few, there for you if you bother to look. Just don’t expect to find them on our nation’s most popular radio stations or with their videos on MTV. There, you’ll have to settle for Britney Spears times six (the Dolls), or the group consisting of four foreign Vanilla Ice’s (the Peas). Let’s just hope there’s another music revolution on the horizon, with the next incarnation of the Ramones leading the way just like the 1970s……..

The Bottom 5

bottom five (i.e. you’re not really a sport)

Second in the two-part series, these five are passed off as sports, but in my book, don't deserve anywhere close to that billing.

1) poker - How can I put this delicately? Hmmm…how’s about this. You’re a friggin’ card game, you require no athletic ability, guys can drink, smoke, weigh 500 pounds and have the cardiovascular conditioning of Marlon Brando….you are not a sport. Sports require athletic ability, and they absolutely, positively cannot fall into the same genus or species as “Go Fish” and solitaire.

2) auto racing - This falls under the corollary of requiring athletic ability to qualify as a sport. And don’t tell me how the drivers are under extreme G-forces. I’m under extreme G-forces riding roller coasters at Six Flags or Cedar Point. If driving really fast, cutting people off and making left turns without signaling makes you an athlete, then millions of people on our nation’s expressways every day are athletes.

3) horse racing - Simply put, a horse is not an athlete. Since the horse provides the power for horse racing and the jockey pretty much just beats the horse with his whip, I don’t see how you can label this a sport. It’s essentially an excuse for degenerate gamblers to throw massive quantities of money away in a quasi-legal manner,

4) spelling bee - For the most part, see my comments about poker and apply them here. Except the competitors aren't overweight, cigar smoking weirdos around a poker table. No, they’re dorky, nerdy kids who aren't cool enough to be invited to any parties, aren't athletic enough to play actual sports and so they manage to extract themselves from the lockers they have been shoved into long enough to spell out obscure words while sweating buckets and looking as if they are about to pass out. And tell me this, if spelling bees are allegedly a sport, why not geography bees? What’s the difference? None? Thought so.

5) dog shows - Poodles with bows in their hair and the owners running along behind in formal outfits with the dogs on leashes. Either it’s a sick joke or these people really are misguided enough to think that what they’re doing qualifies as a) interesting, b) a sport, or c) anything but true comedic relief for the rest of us. Maybe it’s some combination of the three, but when a national sports network puts it on the air, a true sports fan has to view it as a direct and very real threat to sports as we know it. We either speak up now, shoot down these poseurs and limit the label of “sport” to actual athletic competition, or we risk losing the sports world to the dark side. Hope you enjoy fat guys with fossil tinted glasses, pooper-scoopers, pimple faced adolescents and playing cards, because that’s what you’ll be in for.

The Top 5

Ranking the Top 5 sports….

The first in a two-parter ranking the current top five sports on my list, and then the five that I argue are not worthy to be considered sports. The top five first.......

1) College basketball - There aren't two better days in all of sports than the first two days of the NCAA basketball tournament in March. When you can watch noon to midnight hoops, chock full of upsets, Cinderellas and amazing moments, all while wolfing down massive quantities of your favorite game time foods, there’s nothin’ finer.

2) MLB - Yes, 162 games is a long season. But if you’ve ever sat in a stadium watching a key late season game, every pitch and swing of the bat impacting the pennant race, you can't deny the magic.

3) College football - The easy route would be to tell you to watch a replay of the 2006 national title game between USC and Texas. Those 60 minutes of action encapsulate what’s so great about college football. Amazing athletes, impossibly difficult plays, rallies, passion…….it’s all there. But to understand the greatness of college football, you have to look at the passion not only on the field, but in the stands and on the campuses around the nation.

4) NFL - Being truly passionate about a sport where you don’t have a favorite team is difficult, but it is in this respect that you can see the true reason the NFL is becoming America’s real pastime: fantasy football.

5) NBA - I was hesitant to include the NBA on this list. When the league’s last work stoppage came, my interest in the NBA went. Went out the window, went the way of the dinosaurs, went the way of George W.’s approval ratings…..you get the point. And from where I sit, the NBA is still nowhere near college basketball in terms of following hoops, this year’s NBA playoffs notwithstanding. See, college basketball produces that sort of postseason excitement every year, not just every few years.

Don't bother with the excuses

What can you do in three or four hours? Watch a great movie (or two, depending on their length), go to a baseball game, get in your workout for the day, take a relaxing nap….or run 26.2 miles. Not surprisingly, a small percentage of people elect to spend their time on the last of those options. Actually, the number of individuals who even consider undertaking the dreaded “M” word (marathon) is miniscule.

The obvious question is why, and most of the answers to that question are equally obvious. For starters, who was the time to train for a marathon, which consists of several months of increasingly long runs. Near the end of training, runs approach the actual marathon distance, meaning you need to find three or four hours to devote to running.

Secondly, there’s the physical difficulty. This isn’t as big of an issue as you may theorize. In reality, a lot more people could run a marathon than think they could. Marathons are all about mental tenacity, the willingness to continue putting one foot in front of the other even when the pain and exhaustion tell you not to. Marathons don’t require a ton of athletic talent; you see people from nearly all age groups and body types running them.

Lastly, there’s somewhat of a mystique about marathons. People view them as monumental events of athletic accomplishment, which in some ways they are. But they are, unlike most such feats, attainable for most athletes. That’s because success comes in finishing the race, with your time (at least when you’re getting into marathon running) secondary.

Training for the race is the most difficult part of the equation. Even if you maintain a good base and are in great condition when you start training, the mental and physical demands over the months of training put a real strain on you. Depending on your level of experience, age and ability to recover, training could be anywhere from three months to six or seven. Most days you don’t run great distances; between three and five will suffice.

Truthfully, there are dozens of training programs for marathons and it’s tough to know which to pick. Ultimately, the best approach tends to be incorporating aspects of different programs to come up with a blend that works for you. Over the weeks of training, pushing yourself through training necessitates having a schedule you won't give up because of.

By the time race day comes, the real work is past. You can't put a price on being able to line up at the starting line knowing you’re as prepared as you can be. The feeling of energy at the start is great, but when 26.2 miles are ahead, you don’t need anyone cheering you at the start. Where you need cheers is during miles 18-25, when you’ve battled, fought and used up most all the strength you have. You know if you can make it to Mile 25, at which point just over a mile remains, you’ll be ok. But in between 18 and 25, the mental battles you fight are often agonizing. You’ll never make it, the finish line will never come,

says the nagging voice in your head.

This is where your competitive spirit has to come out. If you don’t have that spirit, you won't finish. If you do have it, you know you’ll finish because you won't allow yourself not to. There are a lot of opportunities to quit; every step is one more chance to give up. But every step is also a chance to refuse to quit, to show the testicular fortitude that’s gotten you this far. You know tomorrow you’ll be sore, fatigued and hurting in ways you never thought possible.

So why run a marathon? The best way to explain it is to cite two examples from personal experience. In the first marathon I ever ran, turning off of the street, down a ramp and into Akron’s Canal Park stadium, seeing the view open up in front of my eyes, hearing the cheers and seeing the finish line - in that moment, it was all worth it. That feeling was matched by turning the corner, entering Notre Dame stadium and going down the ramp to the field as the Notre Dame fight song played. Those are the moments you can’t put a price on, the ones you’ll remember and treasure. You’ve done it, done what most people are too scared, too lazy, too undisciplined and not tough enough to do. You stand among the less than 1% of people in this world who have successfully completed a marathon. Welcome to the club.

A horse is a horse....just a friggin' horse

It’s just a horse. How a farm animal turned novelty act merits a special reporter dispatched to its side in light of said farm animal’s illness is a ridiculous yet necessary question. Honestly, this isn’t Watergate, it isn’t the President or Martin Luther King being shot by an assassin, and it isn't a nuclear missile crisis. To bring it back to the world of sports, it’s not even on par with an athlete being arrested, indicted or being involved in a serious motorcycle crash. No, it’s a friggin’ horse, a four-legged animal who can't talk or write, has no opposable thumbs and would be just as at home pulling a plow as he would on the race track.

So what if Barbaro dies? Is it any more pertinent than the thousands of animals who do the same on a daily basis? The animal rights nuts can choke on it here, because in no way is a horse’s medical condition or impending demise relevant or at all important in the grand scheme of things. The horse’s living or dying makes no difference in the world, no one will be cured of a disease, no relationships will be fixed, murders averted, wars prevented or global warming stopped either way.

Sports occupy a certain niche in our society, and as important as they can seem at times, every so often we get reminded that in reality, they aren’t what really matters. Well, within that knowledge and the realm of relevancy that sports have, the health of a racehorse, albeit a successful one, matters so much less. It’s a waste of time and energy for a sports show, any sports show, to devote an entire segment to interviewing a reporter stationed at Barbaro’s side. Equally ludicrous is televising a new conference where the veterinarian caring for the horse updates his condition.

No one outside of gambling degenerates really pays attention to horse racing, and the sports world and those controlling coverage of it need to understand how idiotic they look fawning over a freaking horse. There are some laughable items on sports TV - poker, darts, spelling bees - but medical coverage for a horse trumps them all.