Tame Impala v. men, doctors + hitmen and a dictator's daughter seeks to be president

- If you hated dear old dad the despot, maybe you’ll like his daughter, Guatemala. Efrain Rios Montt is a former dictator facing charges of genocide for massacres committed during his 1982-83 regime in the Latin American nation and while he presided over one of the bloodiest periods of Guatemala's civil war and oversaw a period in which about 245,000 people were killed or disappeared during the 1960-96 conflict and the vast majority of killings blamed on the army and paramilitary groups, his daughter his hoping that the people won't hold that against her. Zury Rios Sosa is running for president and the three-time member of congress announced that she would accept the nomination of the Christian conservative Vision with Values party to compete in general elections later this year. "Before God and all of you, I take the responsibility and the decision to return to the political arena, to public politics, to the office of a public servant, to submit myself to the judgment of the people," she said. She still has the stink of her father’s legacy hanging over her, but she was only  14 years old when her father, an army general, seized power in a coup. She certainly didn’t make the choice to suspend the constitution and launch a brutal campaign against political dissidents, nor was she convicted in 2013 of genocide and crimes against humanity for the killings of 1,771 Mayan Indians by soldiers under her father’s command. Hell, she even married Jerry Weller, who at the time was a Republican U.S. congressman from Illinois, in 2004. Sosa declined to comment on whether her father's legal case could affect her race and also seems to believe it won't be an issue that when he was in Congress,  her husband was named one of the most corrupt members of the House……….

- Look at Australian rockers Tame Impala, trying to make a deep social statement with their lyrics and inspiring an entire gender to do more and be better. The band is readying its third album and one of the tracks on it has already created a bit of a stir. “Cause I’m A Man” is not your average rock jam and despite what it’s title implies, it doesn’t laud dudes’ ability to do and say whatever the hell they want just because. In fact, frontman Kevin Parker says the song is actually about how weak men are and how they should be much better. "Lyrically I’m not usually that out there and straight up saying things, but it’s meant to be really tongue-in-cheek at the same time,” Parker said. “The song is about how weak men are, basically, and how we make all these excuses but really we’re just these odorous male members of the animal kingdom. We don’t have any self-control and are pathetic, basically. Again, that was probably a bad description of the song, but I guess I’ll let people figure it out for themselves." He went on to say that he hopes people won't perceive the song as sexist, but noted that was a distinct possibility “because people have whack interpretations of things sometimes." With or without insightful lyrics and regardless of who it offends and why, “Currents” is still a much-anticipated follow-up to the band’s well-received 2012 release “Lonerism.” But now that Parker has laid out the logic behind “Cause I’m A Man,” the rest of the album has a high standard to live up to………

- It’s a cutthroat world in the arena of New York cardiology. Not only are there patients who, you know, are counting on their doctors to save their lives, but rival doctors are apparently beefing with one another and engaging in turf wars heated enough to compel them to hire hitmen to take out their rivals. Meet Dr. Anthony Moschetto, a suburban New York cardiologist has been charged in connection with a failed scheme to have another physician hurt or killed. The not-so-good doctor pleaded not guilty to criminal solicitation, conspiracy, burglary, arson, criminal prescription sale and weapons charges in connection to what prosecutors called a plot to take out a rival doctor on Long Island. The case is serious enough that Moschetto had to post a $2 million bond and surrender his passport. Two co-conspirators, James Chmela and James Kalamaras, also pleaded not guilty and were released on bail. Moschetto's attorney, Randy Zelin, said his client "will be defending himself vigorously.” “Doctors are supposed to ensure the health and wellbeing of people, but Dr. Moschetto is alleged to have replaced that responsibility with brazen, callous and criminal acts," Acting Nassau District Attorney Madeline Singas said in a statement. The entire story is so bizarre and over-the-top, with police officers allegedly discovering approximately 100 weapons at Moschetto's home, including hand grenades, high-capacity magazines and knives. Grenades and knives? Was this guy looking to off a rival or stage a coup in a Third World nation? There was even a hidden room behind a switch-activated bookshelf to conceal many of the weapons and this case got rolling a few months ago when undercover officers began buying heroin and oxycodone pills from Moschetto in what was initially a routine investigation into the sale of prescription drugs. The doctor later (allegedly) sold the officers two semiautomatic assault weapons as well as ammunition, prosecutors said, and told them that he needed dynamite to "blow up a building." He ultimately went with arson instead of incendiary devices, and here we are trying to sort the whole mess out in court………..

- Kris Bryant has found the place where he belongs. The top prospect made his major league debut Friday, one day after he was called up from a totally transparent two-week minor league stint to start the season so the Chicago Cubs ensured he can't be eligible for free agency until after the 2021 season, and his first MLB game proved he is a Cub to the core. Bryant struck out in his first three at-bats against James Shields in the Cubs’ 5-4 loss to San Diego. After the Cubs selected Bryant's contract from Triple-A Iowa and immediately inserted him into their starting lineup as the cleanup hitter and third baseman, he proceeded to whiff on three pitches for an inning-ending strikeout following a two-out walk to Anthony Rizzo in the bottom half of the first inning. He received a standing ovation before the at-bat and as the crowd snapped photos, Bryant went to work living up to his lengthy future with the Cubs. He batted again in the fourth inning, quickly fell behind 0-2 before working the count full and then swinging over another changeup. His final strikeout came in the bottom of the fifth after the Cubs scored twice and he was able to bring the rally to a screeching halt to by striking out on a cutter with runners at second and third. To Bryant’s credit, he played solid defense and one day doesn’t define his worthiness to help the Cubs win their first World Series title in 107 years, but having the most-hyped player to come through your organization in years look badly overmatched and fall flat on his face in his debut is so befitting the most snakebitten and perennially inept team in baseball that it’s almost sad………

Blade Runner's awful sequel, Riot Watch! Chile and TSA patdown groping

- That screaming baby in the middle seat of coach doesn’t sound so terrible now, does it air travelers? Sure, that brat is going to make your life hell for two and a half hours, but at least he won't be groping you under the guise of national security. No, the only ones doing that are two Transportation Security Administration screeners who have been fired after conspiring to grope attractive men at Denver International Airport. Denver police confirmed that the male TSA officer would pick out men he thought were attractive and alert his female cohort. She would then tell the screening machine that a female passenger -- not a male -- was walking through and when something showed up on the screen in the ground area, the machine would register an anomaly, prompting the male TSA officer to pat down the passenger. Had it been the lady agent doing the pat down and had she been hot, maybe dudes would have had less of an issue with it. Instead, this skeevy male agent used the palms of his hands to touch the passenger's front groin area and buttocks, which violates TSA policy. The groping ring came to light after an anonymous tip from a TSA employee in November. The agency launched an investigation and investigator Chris Higgins monitored the two TSA officers in question, according to Denver police. Higgins saw these two scumbags carry out their sexual assault operation on February 9 and when he interviewed the female TSA officer, she caved quickly and admitted she had done this with her colleague at least 10 other times. Both agents have since been fired and while authorities did not release their names, the TSA called the incident deplorable. "These alleged acts are egregious and intolerable," the agency said in a written statement. "All allegations of misconduct are thoroughly investigated by the agency. And when substantiated, employees are held accountable." Sadly, criminal charges are unlikely because there is no identifiable victim. But if you passed through the Denver airport in recent months and received an unusually thorough pat down…….

- Speaking of holding employees accountable….welcome to the party, NBA. The Association has lagged behind when it comes to making sure its players aren't gaining an unfair edge by something they can inject or ingest, but starting next season the league will do a bit more to ensure the playing field remains level for one and all. NBA players will be blood-tested for human growth hormone starting in the fall, the league and the players' association announced. Testing will start during training camp and during the course of a calendar year, all players will be subjected to three random, unannounced tests annually -- two during the season and once in the offseason. Those found to be HGH-ing up will receive a 20-game suspension for a first violation and a 45-game ban for a second violation. Anyone dumb enough to test positive twice and come back for more in the hopes of finally dekeing that damn test the third time – and there will be someone - will be banned for life. This all comes four years after owners and players agreed during collective bargaining negotiations in 2011 to determine a process for how HGH testing could be implemented. No need to rush into it, y’all. After all, it’s not like you have a league full of hyper-competitive freaks who are scratching and clawing around the clock for any way to gain the slightest competitive edge to keep their career alive or rise up to the next level and earn a big contract extension. The league hasn't previously done blood testing, but getting with the times and using the technology available to you is often a good thing……….

- Riot Watch! Riot Watch! It was on this week in Santiago, Chile, where thousands of students marched through the streets of the capital to protest recent corruption scandals and to complain about delays in a promised education overhaul. Raging against corruption is always cool, while rioting because the government isn't overhauling the educational system as quickly as you think it should is decidedly less badass, but getting thousands upon thousands to come out for the demonstration is impressive regardless. How many people were there depends on whom you ask. If you chat with police, who want to do everything possible to make the gathering seem as minor as possible, there were a mere 20,000 protestors on hand. If you ask the event’s student organizers, the crowd was more than seven times that large, about 150,000. The good news is that while the gathering was largely peaceful, violence broke out at the end when hooded protesters threw rocks and gasoline bombs at police. Props to those bold souls, whoever they are, and even if they had nothing to do with the cause of the protest and merely used the riled-up scene to further their own angry agenda. Past student marches focused on pressuring President Michelle Bachelet to fulfill her campaign promise of education reform and this one came from students who say they are tired of waiting for chance and irate about corruption scandals. That would include a controversy over a bank loan involving Bachelet's son and a campaign financing scandal involving right-wing politicians and a prominent financial company, but when you’re already this angry, it doesn’t take too much to push you over the top……..

- It’s still a terrible idea, but the long-awaited sequel to “Blade Runner” is picking up steam and star power as it lumbers forward. Ridley Scott will not direct the sequel to his 1982 sci-fi classic, but he’s already signed on to be an executive producer. Aged-out, grasping-for-fleeting-youth star Harrison Ford is also fully committed and now, he’s going to have some help from a younger co-star who can actually make it through a movie without fracturing his hip or needing a phone call from his grandson and a bag of Werther’s Originals. Ryan Gosling is reportedly in negotiations to star opposite Ford, but the identity of Gosling's character are being kept under wraps. While Scott will keep a safe distance from this one, Denis Villeneuve is set to direct based on a script written by Hampton Fancher, co-writer of the original, and Michael Green, who is also working on Scott's forthcoming Prometheus sequel. While the plot details are closely guarded, the sequel is believed to be set several decades after the conclusion of “Blade Runner.” According to Scott, Ford's iconic character Rick Deckard will not appear in the entirety of “Blade Runner 2.” "Harrison is very much part of this one, but really it’s about finding him; he comes in in the third act,” Scott said. “I think it would be very interesting to revisit the character." Hey R., the character is the reason there’s going to be a damn sequel. Don’t go getting all inventive and revisionist here; stick with what got you the right to make this ill-advised tire fire of a sequel and try to keep it from sucking too much………

MLB error extravaganzas, stolen Georgia cocks and "Celebrity Deathmatch" returns

- Hey America, Sudan might have an idea for you. Both of you have problems getting your citizens to turn out and vote – albeit for different reasons – and both of you would desperately like people to give a damn about the candidates and issues being put before them on the ballot. In the United States, wanting higher voter turnout is about as far as the efforts go. In Sudan, it means announcing a one-day extension of voting in presidential and legislative elections. The election commission announced the decision as three days of voting saw low turnout and chose to ignore the fact that people aren’t showing up largely because the opposition is boycotting the vote and has expressed concerns about fraud and the vote is virtually certain to extend President Omar al-Bashir's 25-year rule despite an economic crisis and insurgencies vexing many parts of the country. Buy hell, why not extend the voting deadline for a day and hope that you can threaten/bribe/buy off more voters to come out and support the only sitting world leader wanted by the International Criminal Court? Al-Bashir is wanted on genocide charges linked to the Darfur conflict and while voting for a man linked to genocide may seem unpalatable, it’s certainly better than potentially having your house burned down and your family kidnapped and sold into forced servitude for not voting or casting a vote for the other guy. It’s almost enough to make American elections seem like a fair, legitimate exercise in democracy involving quality candidates with actual integrity….almost………

- MTV will try just about anything to boost ratings – except playing the music videos from which its name is derived, of course. It will even revive a claymation show that went off the air nearly a decade ago in the hopes of getting eyeballs on screens. Yes, “Celebrity Deathmatch” is set to return over eight years after it last aired and while it’s technically going to be on MTV2 and not MTV, a network is still a network be it first or second-tier. MTV2 has ordered a new season of the cult favorite show, which for the uninitiated is a show featuring hypothetical celebrity rivals fighting against one another in a wrestling ring. The show's creator, Eric Vogel, is leading the revival and will serve as one of its executive producers as the show makes its return. It originally aired for four seasons on MTV between 1998 and 2002 before going away for four years and then making its first return from the dead on MTV2 for two seasons in 2006 and 2007. Among the many faux celebrity battles featured on the show were Madonna vs. Michael Jackson, Bob Marley vs. Shaggy, Dave Grohl and Billy Corgan vs. Courtney Love, Elton John vs. Ozzy Osbourne and Beck vs. Bjork. There was also an epic four-way battle between Paul McCartney, John Lennon, Ringo Starr and George Harrison that came to a close with the tone-deaf Ono being pronounced victor. The show also spawned a video game spin-off that was released in 2003 and it also inspired shock rocker Marilyn Manson, who was featured on the show's first ever episode in a battle with Charles Manson, to pen an original song titled “Astonishing Panorama Of The Endtimes,” which was somehow nominated for a Grammy……….

- The nightmare is over, Athens, Georgia residents. At long last, the hunt for a 10-foot metal rooster stolen from outside an Athens business has come to a fruitful end. Yes, Rocket the Rusty Roster has been found and Lexington Village owner Bonnie Harris is relieved. The search came to a close in a forest, where the runaway rooster was discovered under a pile of wood. The 300-pound sculpture was stolen in late March, about two weeks after it was installed in front of Harris' store. One could easily argue that dropping a 300-pound, extremely conspicuous metal rooster in front of your business without bothering to secure it is tantamount to asking the nearest group of dudes between the ages of 18 and 40 with access to both alcohol and a large truck to thieve it and then try to figure out what to do with it. The sculpture was found in one piece, but it was missing an eye and its beard was gone. Rocket will make a return trip to the artist's studio where it was created for some minor restoration work and will then be returned to its post so the next group of knuckleheads can take a run at stealing it. No arrests have been made in the case and authorities don’t have any idea who left Rocket hidden down a remote logging road, so Athens Clarke-County police Detective Sgt. Rick Hammond and his cohorts have some work to do in order to crack the case of the pilfered cock……….

- When projecting the results of the early weeks of the Major League Baseball season out for the whole year, it’s important to remember that the MLB season is 10 times longer than the 16-game NFL season, so 10 MLB contests are equivalent to one NFL game. In other words, don’t waste time projecting until the Fourth of July is in view. That goes for you too, Washington Nationals shortstop Ian Desmond, you and your six errors in eight games. Make no mistake; Desmond sucks right now at shortstop and even he is at a complete loss for his struggles in the field, but that doesn’t mean he’s going to end the year with 75 errors and a .670 fielding percentage. It’s just that right now….well, it’s ugly. His latest booted ball led to three unearned runs in the seventh inning of an 8-7 loss to the Boston Red Sox and after botching a ground ball by Hanley Ramirez to start the inning, Desmond later didn't make a throw home on a chopper by Brock Holt as the eventual winning run crossed the plate. "It sucks," Desmond said after the game. "I don't know what to do. I'm doing everything I can. Sitting here answering questions after every game is brutal. But, I mean, what am I gonna do?" Just because you have more errors than 18 major league teams have at this point and five of them have led to 10 unearned runs is no reason to panic, I. "Do I worry about it? Of course," Desmond said. "Do I want to get out of it? Of course. I don't ever want it to be part of my game. Every day, I come to the field thinking, 'This is gonna be the day where it goes away.' I do everything I can on the field to get rid of it mentally and physically." Considering that baseball players are just about the most superstitious athletes anywhere, that probably means changing socks, underwear, haircuts, meal choices, pregame music and routes to the park. So far, nothing has helped………

Beastie Boys + Walking Dead, Greenpeace v. Shell and Turks v. nuclear power plants

- The rage is real today and if you weren't feeling the heat of direct dissident disdain for The Man, then you were either drunk and passed out or locked under the mind control of the machine because it’s clear that folks around the globe were intent on making their outrage felt. One such instance came in Turkey, where a ground-breaking ceremony for the construction of parts of the Mediterranean nation’s first nuclear reactor was hijacked by activists who staged an angry protest – and really, is there any other kind – because the plant is forging ahead despite ongoing court cases against the nuclear plant being built by Russia in Akkuyu. This was part riot, part protest and all awesome as demonstrators blocked a gate leading to the ceremony area, briefly preventing officials from leaving the site. Holding high-ranking officials hostage is a solid play regardless of what sort of weapons or threats you use to make it happen and the show of force was so effective that security forces had to use water canons to drive the demonstrators back and allow the suits attending the event to escape. Energy Minister Taner Yildiz said the plant was designed to withstand powerful earthquakes and tried to argue that it was necessary in order for the country to move forward and solidify its place on the world scene. "There cannot be a developed Turkey without nuclear energy,” Yildiz said. The good news for anyone who couldn’t make it out for this riot is that plans for Turkey’s second nuclear plant are already in the works and the government has chosen a French-Japanese consortium to build the plant on the Black Sea coast. There is even a rumor of a third place to reduce the nation's energy dependence, suggesting a brawl between the opposition and The Man that will only get nastier from here……..

- Score another one for a shameless cash grab disguised as a transparent attempt to “give a new identity” to a perpetually disappointing franchise. The Cleveland Browns absolutely NAILED IT when they went from that one shade of orange in their logo to a slightly different shade of orange, knocking the world on its ass in the process. It’s clear the Browns will win a Super Bowl next season with their new motif and that logo will be the reason, so of course the rebuilding Milwaukee Bucks want to gravy train the phenomenon and they did exactly that to begin the week as they unveiled new logos that the team will start using after this season. The Bucks picked a perfect night for the unveiling, as they trotted three new logos out right before they b*tch-slapped one of the most hapless teams in the Association, the Philadelphia 76ers. The forward-facing buck on the current primary logo has been scrapped in favor of what the Bucks are trying desperately to sell as a "fiercer and more aggressive" look. It's an older, 12-point buck instead of an eight-pointer, which clearly makes a difference to anyone who both follows the team and likes spending eight hours in a tree stand on a frigid winter day, waiting like a loser for an antlered quadruped to wander by so they can shoot it. Green is still the dominant color in the primary logo and secondary logo (which is basketball-based and features a stylized "M"), but red – which could represent the blood spilled by those deer hunters – is out in favor of ream, a color with roots in the region's history for a shade of brick found in older Milwaukee buildings. A third logo includes a blue accent and the geographic outline of Wisconsin, a nod to the importance of the Great Lakes in the region, the team said. "How do we create three logos that not only honor our past but also thrust us into a new era and new future of Bucks basketball," Alex Lasry, the team's vice president of strategy and operations, said of the new designs. Look for the Bucks hoisting the Larry O’Brien trophy next June………..

- So you thought the rage against The Man was over? Didn’t you hear the first time we said it? This is a day of rage and it extended all the way to the normally chill city of Seattle, where protesters opposed to offshore drilling in the Arctic are fighting the good fight against exploiting Mother Earth. These tree huggers oppose Arctic offshore drilling and say oil companies have not demonstrated they can clean up a major spill, so they plan use kayaks to meet the 400-foot Polar Pioneer and the heavy-lift vessel called the Blue Marlin that is carrying it when the vessel comes to Seattle for staging. Not so, says the Coast Guard. According to the branch of the military of which no one is afraid, the enviro-kooks will have to stay in safety zones when the drill rig arrives in Seattle. Chief Petty Officer Sara Mooers said a Seattle-bound drill rig and a heavy-lift vessel are expected to arrive in Port Angeles later this week and when they do, protesters will have to stay 500 yards away from a moving vessel and 100 yards from one that is anchored. "We fully support people exercising their First Amendment rights, but there's a lot of activity in Elliott Bay," Mooers said. Uh-huh, sure thing S. It might be your job to lie and cover for The Man, but in this case some honesty about not giving a damn about the planet in favor of exploiting it as severely as possible. Royal Dutch Shell intends to use the rig for exploratory drilling during the summer open-water season in the Chukchi Sea off Alaska's northwest coast if it can obtain the necessary permits and it already won one victory in the case when a U.S. District Court judge granted the company a restraining order against the protesters. The order forbids Greenpeace activists from entering any safety zone around the rig and the Blue Marlin and on Saturday, six Greenpeace activists opposed to offshore drilling in the Arctic abandoned the Seattle-bound drill rig they boarded in the Pacific Ocean on April 6. Expecting these maniacs to actually give up is a stretch, but their fight is only getting tougher……….

- There is life after the Beastie Boys and it has much more to do with the silver screen than slick rhymes and sick beats for at least one member of the iconic rap crew. Ad-Rock, real name Adam Horovitz, recently said that he and fellow surviving member Mike D may collaborate again musically some day without using the Beastie Boys moniker, but for now Horovitz seems to be focusing on thespian endeavors more than finding a studio and a mic to spit rhymes into. He recently acted in Noah Baumbach's acclaimed movie 'While We're Young,' starring alongside Ben Stiller, and seems to have caught the acting bug in a big way. The good news when you’re a well-known public figure who has a massive fan crush on a TV series is that you can probably leverage some or all of your famous person freindships into a guest spot on that show and that’s what Horovitz’s is angling to do with one of his favorite shows, “The Walking Dead.” "I f*cking love that show. Every moment of that show... I would love to be in 'The Walking Dead,'” he said of the show. Not only would he want to appear in the hit AMC series, but Horovitz would also like to have some say in his role. "I don't want to be a zombie. I want to be like [Daryl's] friend from the city. Like a distant relative – 'He's my uncle's friend from New York,'” he added. “They're not going to have that are they? I'd show up with like a PBS tote bad and something from Zabar's - be like, 'Hey, I got lox! Who wants bagels?'" Zombies love bagels too, bro, and with the sixth season of the show set to premiere in October and a spinoff titled “Fear the Walking Dead” also in the works, there should be a spot for an enterprising Beastie Boy at some point……….

John Legend goes Johnny Cash, hockey guy becomes MMA guy and technology is awesome

- Hockey players have long been known as some of the biggest badasses in all of sports. We’re about to find out if that reputation is deserved or if the NHL needs to take a back seat to MMA before the dudes in the banana hammocks grappling inside the octagon slap an arm bar on them. Former minor league hockey enforcer Steve Bosse will be the test case when he makes his UFC debut in the co-main event of UFC 186 in Montreal, facing Fabio Maldonado. Bosse (10-1) will replace former UFC light heavyweight champion Quinton Jackson on the April 25 card at the Bell Centre because Dana White and Co. had no choice but to sideline Jackson after a New Jersey judge issued an injunction prompted by a legal challenge from rival promoter Bellator, which argued Jackson was breaking his contract in re-signing with the UFC. Bosse was an enforcer in Quebec's Ligue Nord-Americaine de Hockey and has carved out a solid reputation for himself in the MMA world, thus his invitation to step up to UFC. He was actually supposed to make his UFC debut last April but pulled out because of a shoulder injury, so this is a match nearly a year in the making. Dana White and a lucrative payday don’t always come a man’s way twice, so Bosse had best make sure to avoid any possible injuries this time around so he can have a fair shot against a man who is ranked 13th among 205-pound contenders by the UFC. Losing a tooth after being checked into the boards in the second period doesn’t exactly measure up to a spinning heel kick that shatters your face, though, so this should be interesting………

- I love technology….not as much as you, you see, but I still love technology, always and forever. Silver screen icon Kip Dynamite sang those memorable words in the 2004 cult classic comedy “Napoleon Dynamite” as part of his movie-ending wedding song and those words fit so perfectly today when it comes to the Rhode Island engineering technology and manufacturing company that is aiming to build the world's largest surfboard. It’s a badass move and Bristol-based mouldCAM is endeavoring to make this dream a reality happen for the Visit Huntington Beach campaign in California, which hopes to break the world record for the most people to catch a wave on a surfboard. Normally the Guinness Book of World Records-envying ass hats who collect the world’s largest ball of yarn or line up in a park with 5,000 other tools to play the opening chords of “Smoke on the Water” in unison so they can set a worthless world record are a blight on humanity, but none of those efforts involved a surfboard measuring 42 feet long by 11 feet wide and capable of holding 62 people. Once this beastly board is built, it will be sent to California to be painted and finished before heading to Huntington Beach. According to project manager and perfectly-named human being Bob Steel, an aerospace engineer is working with the project to make sure the weight distribution is correct on the day of the ride in mid-June. To officially break the record, 62 people must stand on the board for 10 seconds. And a good time will be had by all……..

- Johnny Cash and John Legend? The list of men named John who decided that a correctional facility was a great place for a concert is about to grow as of Thursday when R&B icon John Legend, in an attempt to end mass incarceration, will perform at a correctional facility in Austin, Texas. As part of his new initiative called Free America, the singer-songwriter and also take part in a press conference with state legislators to discuss Texas’ criminal justice system and later this month he will co-host a criminal justice event. "We have a serious problem with incarceration in this country. It's destroying families, it's destroying communities and we're the most incarcerated country in the world, and when you look deeper and look at the reasons we got to this place, we as a society made some choices politically and legislatively, culturally to deal with poverty, deal with mental illness in a certain way and that way usually involves using incarceration,” Legend said. The idea of fighting the growing number of Americans ending up behind bars is a cause Legend has taken up with increased vigor in recent months. When he accepted the award for Best Original Song at the Academy Awards with rapper Common, Legend used part of his speech to raise the profile of the issue. "We know that right now the struggle for freedom and justice is real. We live in the most incarcerated country in the world. There are more black men under correctional control today than were under slavery in 1850,” Legend said at the time. Oh, so it’s not about keeping all people out of prison, but rather about keeping one specific race out of prison. Sing on, Johnny……….

- Dammit all. If we can no longer count on the world of international chess as a bastion of integrity and character in a corrupt and rotting world, then where the hell are we supposed to turn? Don’t answer that question because the truth is too depressing to ponder. Thank Georgian chess champion and disgraced grandmaster Gaioz Nigalidze for that because this scumbag is facing a massive scandal that threatens to ruin his career and his life after his frequent trips to the bathroom at an international tournament in Dubai aroused the suspicions of his opponent, who notified event organizers and set in motion a series of events that won't soon be forgotten. Nigalidze disqualified from the Dubai Open after his opponent in a Saturday match, Armenian Grandmaster Tigran Petrosian, picked up on a pattern in the frequent trips his foe was making to the restroom. Rather than chalk it up to a weak bladder, suspected something was going on. “Nigalidze would promptly reply to my moves and then literally run to the toilet,” Petrosian said following the match. After the latest in a series of bathroom breaks, t he Armenian champion filed a complaint with organizers who then entered the restroom after Nigalidze had returned from one of his visits. A quick investigation revealed that Nigalidze had hidden a smartphone behind the toilet in a cubicle and attempted to cloak it in toilet paper. The phone was connected to a mobile chess application that Nigalidze allegedly used to strategize his next move against Petrosian. Very slick, knob. Nigalidze now faces a 15-year-ban from the game and he gets to become the Rosie Ruiz of international chess………

Bon Jovi's reality show, 73 Syrians and an Iranian in the back of a truck and and NBA offensive futility

- The Jon Bon Jovi empire continues to expand. The man who began his rise to fame as an ‘80s hair rocker and has morphed into a mainstream, commercialized pop music artist also owning an Arena Football League team is branching out once more as the executive producer of a new reality TV show that follows famous musicians as they return to their hometowns to delve into what their life could be like if they went from being a recording artist to a normal, boring person with a regular job. “If I Wasn’t a Rock Star” will be developed by The Weinstein Company, Prototype Entertainment and 3 Ball Entertainment and according to co-producer Bob Weinstein, the series will give fans "a chance to see their favorite stars as they’ve never imagined them before. We can’t wait to see what other amazing talent comes on board.” As for Bon Jovi, who has long portrayed himself as a champion of the everyman in his music, the project is being pushed as all about the common man as opposed to the real stars of the show. "I was drawn to this project simply because it will be a celebration of the working men and women of this country. They are the real rock stars," Bon Jovi said in a statement. The musicians who will get people to watch the show have yet to be announced, but while Bon Jovi is waiting for the lineup to take shape he is reportedly contributing vocals to the next album by Swedish dance musician Avicii. Credit to him for taking the resources and opportunities afforded to him by cranking out years of arena rock and using them to build a major brand for himself, even if he’s nowhere close to the working class hero he likes to fancy himself as………

- It sounds like a bad joke, but it’s actually anything but. Take 73 Syrians and 1 Iranian, aged between 12 and 41, jam them into the back of a truck driven by a Turk and send them on a dark, bumpy ride from Turkey to France. Mix in an abrupt stop at the Romanian-Hungarian border crossing of Nadlac late in the night and it sound very much like an endeavor that had far too much ambition – and possibly some alcohol-fueled thinking – and not nearly enough intelligence in the execution. Romanian border police discovered the 74 immigrants, most Syrians, hidden in the back of a truck that was meant to transport furniture. They stopped the truck because a guard noticed that the back of the truck was slightly open. Buttoning up key details like closing the rear doors of a truck when you get close to the border because getting oxygen to those inside needs to take a backseat to them staying concealed from border guards is something that gets done if you have smart people in charge, but that doesn’t seem to be the case here. The immigrants did not have identity documents, police said in a statement, and the plan was to transport them to France. France is a place that is already teeming with parasitic gypsies who travel there via such treks and land in a new country with no ability to speak the local language and no means of supporting themselves. The Syrians and Iranian could face charges of illegally crossing a border, while the driver is being questioned on suspicion of trafficking migrants. All in all, it’s a bad joke with an even worse punch line and no happy ending for anyone involved…….

- As the scorpion said to the frog in the famous parable about knowing who someone is when you decide to get involved with them, “It’s who I am.” The scorpion delivered that message to the frog after delivering a sting that would kill them both as the latter gave the scorpion a ride across a river because the scorpion could not cross on its own. On Saturday night, the New York Knicks and Orlando Magic were the scorpion and the fans who showed up for fan appreciation night at Amway Center were the frog. The Knicks and Magic entered the night with two of the six worst scoring offenses in the NBA this season, with the Knicks sporting the league’s worst record and the Magic scarcely better at 25-55. Anyone who showed up to see two lottery-bound teams a) had nothing else of worth going on in their life or b) is a glutton for self-inflicted punishment, even if they didn’t know they were going to see an unforgettable, retina-scarring exhibition of historic offensive ineptitude. The two teams combined to score a whopping 15 points in the second quarter, a number that represents the fewest points in a quarter in the shot clock era (since 1954-55), which spans 209,888 quarters played. Furthermore, it was only the third time that both teams scored fewer than 10 points each in a quarter and for the 18 players who saw court time in the fateful second stanza, it’s a moment they will attempt for the rest of their lives to deny that they were a part of. Those 18 ballers are combining to make $31.7 million this season and in the period, Orlando was 3-for-19 from the field and 0-for-4 from 3-point range, while the Knicks were 3-for-20 in the period and 0-for-5 from 3. Mix in nine turnovers and….well, take it away, Knicks guard Tim Hardaway Jr. "It was 8-7 in the second quarter so our defense did a great job of withstanding that quarter,'' Hardaway said. "Even though we didn't score, they didn't score as well so we just had an all-around great game.'' No Tim, you did not………..

- Youth sports so often bring us heartwarming tales of boys and girls whose lives  are a better place because of the lessons they’ve learned and the people they’ve met on the field, court or diamond. But even more often, they bring us tales of a-holes, ass hats and morons who take what should be a simple, fun opportunity to play a game and spend time with friends into a giant case of heartburn for us all. That’s where the tale of one of the country's richest towns and its Little League Baseball system comes in. On one side of the battle is a man who proposed building more accessible housing for low-income families and on the opposite side is a town full of people with multiple BMWs and Land Rovers in their five-car garages. Christopher Stefanoni is the developer who has filed a federal lawsuit in which he claims that residents of Darien, Connecticut are essentially classist, racist pricks who fear that affordable housing will draw black people to town. "Darien is a little white enclave, sort of a holdout segregated town," said Stefanoni. The Harvard-educated father of five who has lived in town since 2000 sees the place he calls home as a town where the attitudes of the locals are “very exclusionary, demeaning.” He also claims his push for affordable housing in a place that consistently appears in Top 10 lists of America's wealthiest towns has caused fallout filtering down to his 9-year-old son, who was demoted to a lower-level Little League team in what Stefanoni calls an act of blatant retribution. “When they go after your kids, they've crossed the line,” he added. For the record, about 94 percent of Darien’s population is white, with about 620 Hispanics and 70 blacks, according to the latest U.S. Census Bureau estimates. Mix in a per-capita income of $95,000 and you have a place that doesn’t scream diversity or inclusion. Stefanoni and his wife, Margaret, filed the lawsuit against the Darien Little League and its leaders over the demotion of their son two years ago and several months later, Stefanoni was banned indefinitely from coaching in the league. League officials have since claimed they made a mistake placing the Stefanonis' son on a higher-level team and simply corrected the error by moving him to another team. As for the affordable housing, plans for a 16-apartment complex with five affordable units and a 30-apartment development with nine affordable units were both sent back to the town's planning and zoning commission for review………..

TV pitchman v. owl, Mumford & Sons + improv and 1 a.m. Olympic fun

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- Feel the rage, Indian region of Kashmir. Angry Kashmiris have shuttered shops and businesses in the disputed Himalayan region to protest India's plan to build townships for Hindus who fled a rebellion in Muslim-majority areas, raging against the idea of accommodating these newly minted nomads. Kashmiri separatists called Saturday's strike because they believe the plan to house nearly 200,000 Hindus in new townships is part of a conspiracy to separate the region's population along religious lines. That’s right, they’re conspiracy theory kooks. Conspiracy theory nut jobs are the best because they have zero attachment to reality and an unnerving commitment to their unrealistic world view. In this case, it’s a truly well-crafted and outlandish conspiracy anchored in the one subject capable of enraging folks like none other, religion. Those are the center of the drama are Hindus, known as Pandits, who fled to Hindu-dominated areas in Jammu region or elsewhere in India in 1990. The strike was nicely paired with violent clashes between anti-India protesters and government forces left at least 20 people injured, including a photojournalist and eight policemen, in Kashmir's main city of Srinagar. All in all, it was an outstanding start to what should be a truly memorable weekend of rage, paranoia, dissidence and hopefully stir the pot for many weeks of uprisings to come. Kick it up a notch, Kashmir, because there’s plenty of mileage left in your warped world view……..

- Will the 2016 Summer Olympics be a giant dumpster fire of a sporting event put on by a country that has been a mess at virtually every turn along the way to hosting the world’s biggest sporting event? Probably, so why not shove that dumpster fire into the one wedge of the day where most potential television viewers will be napping it out and dreaming of a world in which the Games go to a country with both the money and infrastructure to properly host them? Big ups to Olympic organizers who have slated events in such a way that events will run until well after midnight in a town world-famous for its nightlife. The men's and women's beach volleyball finals on famous Copacabana Beach will wrap up about 1:30 a.m. if and only if the day runs on schedule, which of course it won't. Look for a 3 a.m. finale that a bunch of drunk tourists and locals will watch, but most people around the world will ignore in favor of that beloved phenomenon we all call sleep. Beach volleyball will go on for 13 days of the 16 the games are scheduled to cover and there is action at the venue nightly until at least 1 a.m. -- even for preliminary, quarterfinal and semifinal rounds. Rio clearly wants a 24-hour-party image in general and the Games are the perfect setting to showcase that spirit. Rio is in a time zone one hour ahead of the Eastern time zone and four hours ahead of Pacific Standard time, so maybe the West Coast dwellers will have a chance to catch the action if they’re not too busy at the beach or getting Botoxed. Here’s to the epic hangover that attendees of the beach volleyball finals will have when they stagger back to their wildly overpriced hotel room at 4 a.m. and raid the mini-bar……….

- Boy, this is going to bring a lot of never-before-seen shame on the esteemed world of late-night television pitchmen. For such an esteemed, respected lot, it’s just sad to see a story like the one involving Dell "Super Dell" Schanze. Schanze pleaded guilty to charges of kicking a barn owl in flight while riding a motorized paraglider and if that sounds like a hilarious scene of mid-air comedy that someone damn well better have caught on film, you’re in luck. The existence of video proof of the confrontation is the very reason Schanze was in court in Utah. He was charged after a federal investigation into a video that surfaced online last year and appeared to show a paraglider kicking a soaring owl and boasting about it. It turns out that Schanze was that paraglider and for some odd reason, the U.S. Attorney's Office felt the need to hit him with a misdemeanor charge of knowingly using an aircraft to harass wildlife and pursuing a migratory bird. Yes, that law is actually on the books and pleading guilty to is landed Schanze with one year of court probation. He had a proposed plea deal, but it fell through when he amazingly refused to admit to the crime. That was the ultimate eff-you move given that the other side in the case had actual video proof of him committing the very crime of which he was accused. A more creative prosecutor may have asked the judge to sentence Schanze to film a series of cheesy late-night infomercials about helping save the oft-persecuted breed of bird known as the barn owl………

- As entertaining as they may be right now, Mumford and Sons will not go on forever. Sure, Marcus Mumford and his pals are the hot thing in indie-folk right now and lyrically they’re awesome, but eventually their star will fade. Bassist Winston Marshall knows this and it’s why he’s looking ahead to what he’ll do when he hangs up his instrument and must find another way to earn a living. It seems Marshall’s time in and around New York City has inspired him to channel his inner Andy Kaufmann and take improv comedy lessons. Marshall said New York's comedy scene has inspired him to try his hand in classes at the famous Upright Citizens Brigade theater ahead of the band’s release of its third album, “Wilder Mind,” next month. He relocated to New York in 2013 and has become enamored with the comedy scene in the city. The Upright Citizens Brigade is famous for helping launch the careers of comedy favorites like Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, so maybe it can take a hipster icon like Marshall and turn him into the next Kevin Hart. When asked what his most recent monologue at the club was, Marshall said: "I don't know, exactly. It involved condoms and being Jewish." One of his goals for his comedy work is to bring Upright Citizens Brigade to England because as Marshall noted, the Brits “don’t have anything like it." As part of his comedy career, Marshall is also developing comedic web series, although he hasn’t cranked out any hit works just yet. In the meantime, “Wilder Mind” hits the marketplace on May 4 and if the product actually matches the buzz around it, then Marshall won’t have to worry about becoming Jerry Seinfeld 2.0 for at least a few more years………..

11 marriages + 0 divorces, Suicide Squad news and UAB football rides again

- The University of Alabama-Birmingham football program rode again – at least for a day. The school ass-hattedly decided to shut the entire program down in December, prompting an outcry from students, former and current players and fans. In explaining its decision, the school cited financial issues and that placated no one. Alas, there is no reversing the decision President Ray Watts announced shortly after UAB became bowl-eligible after a decade of struggles and coaching changes. Former players may not be able to change school officials’ minds, but they made sure the Blazers got at least one more game at Legion Field. They gathered Saturday for the Sons of UAB alumni flag football game, a quaint counterpoint to the spring scrimmages other schools around the country will play in the next week or two. Coach Bill Clark started the alumni game this past spring after his hiring and to his credit, it will be played this year even though there is no football team at UAB anymore. Former players, alumni and supporters decided to hold it again to maintain connections with one another and also to deliver a stiff middle finger to the administration about its decision. "Obviously there's a huge, somber cloud hanging over the university, really, over the whole football issue right now," said former UAB kicker Lee Miller, now a high school soccer coach. "I think the vibe toward this event is positive, but there's always this undercurrent. The next question is, 'How can we get the program back?' There's a lot of people out there, including me, that are trying to make that happen." Here’s hoping Miller, UAB alums and Carolina Panthers teammates Joe Webb and Darrin Reaves and 27-year-old tight end Tristan Henderson – who famously told off Watts in a public assembly following the decision – find a way to bring UAB football back to life………

- So, Prague has a problem. On the surface, a newly expanded line of the Czech capital’s subway network that will take travelers from downtown closer than ever to the city's international airport seems like a net positive. And it would be, if not for a small snafu that will make using this train out of town much tougher. In order to complete the journey and cover the final five miles between the Nadrazi Veleslavin station and Vaclav Havel Airport, commuters will need to board the No. 119 bus. In order to get to that bus, folks will have to climb 32 steep stairs from the subway station to the bus terminal. It seems that whoever designed this transportation trouble spot forgot to budget for an escalator to top off the $787 million project and that isn't sitting well with elderly people and other mobility-challenged travelers who were counting on some motorized assistance. An estimated 3.5 million passengers of more than 11 million using the airport yearly take the buss rather than go by car or risk a rip-off by Prague's notorious cab drivers. Now, those people need to haul their luggage up 32 steps or get an assist from the luggage porters the airport has hired to help travelers from 5 a.m. to 10 p.m. daily, The service is provided free of charge, proving at least someone in this mess is using their thinking muscles. "The missing escalator is the reason," Prague airport spokesman Michal Rehorek said. The city's transport authority, the Prague Public Transport Company, said the Nadrazi Veleslavin station was intended to serve as a transport hub for the airport — for connections to trains, not busses. It has an escalator going to a train station that is unfinished and in the midst of a major delay. It “became impossible" to change the original project, company spokesman Jiri Stabl said. "We don't feel it is a mistake of the transport company,” Stabl lied. You may not believe it, J., but everyone else does……….

- Trolling fanboys must be a lot of fun. “Suicide Squad” director David Ayer knows how easy it is to get a reaction from the sadly infatuated sorts who hang on the every detail about movies based on their favorite comic books and it’s why he dropped a full cast photo on Wednesday, then chased it with the first picture of Jared Leto as The Joker after fans wondered about the omission from the first shot. Ayer responded by tweeting a picture of Leto dressed as the iconic villain, complete with The Joker’s trademark green hair. Shooting on the film is set to begin later this month as Ayer tells the tale of the famed DC Comics super-villains, with Leto as The Joker, Will Smith as Deadshot, Jai Courtney playing Boomerang, Margot Robbie portraying Harley Quinn and Cara DeLevigne as Enchantress. Tom Hardy was originally scheduled to play the role of Rick Flag, but pulled out due to a scheduling conflict, allowing Joel Kinnaman to step in. The role of Amanda Waller, a government agent who is often put in charge of the Suicide Squad, went to “How To Get Away With Murder” star Viola Davis. Davis will oversee the team of super-villains working for the government in return for their freedom and Squad fans have been able to see their anti-heroes in a limited role on the CW’s hit drama “Arrow,” where they have made spot appearances in the show’s past two seasons. None of the actors cast in the movie have played their respective characters on “Arrow,” but anything that keeps the Suicide Squad alive plays well with DC Comics fans. Warner Bros. has set “Suicide Squad” for release on August 5, 2016 and until then, many a tasty morsel of promotional beef will be dished out to keep the masses hanging on what could be when they finally get to see their favorite characters on the big screen………

- Liana Barrientos is addicted to saying, “I do.” She’s not the first woman to enjoy repeated walks down the aisle and famous marriage addicts like Elizabeth Taylor have made a disturbingly frequent habit of saying yes to the dress. However, Barrientos seems to miss out on a key part of the equation when it comes to marrying over and over again and that has landed her in some agua caliente with the Bronx district attorney's office. According to the DA’s office, Barrientos is accused of marrying 10 times over an 11-year period without ever getting a divorce. She’s now charged with two counts of felony fraud and one count of h filing a fake instrument. According to the criminal complaint, this wayward woman allegedly obtained two of the marriage licenses in the Bronx and that gives them jurisdiction to prosecute and persecute her bigamous ass. The complaint claims the other marriage licenses were obtained in Westchester County and Long Island, so perhaps those fine jurisdictions will be inspired by this and go after Barrientos as well. This string of fraud allegedly began in 1999, but the matter didn’t come until 11 years later when there was a probe of her most recent marriage in 2010. This could make for an awkward scene in the courtroom if all 11 husbands show up to support the woman they love….assuming all of them married her for love and not as part of some massive scam for green cards or some other chicanery. If you want to find a positive in all of this, at least Barrientos is helping to hold down the percentage of marriages in the United States that end in divorce……..

MLB vs. time, Colombians march for peace and The National goes pompous hipster

- Sometimes, theft simply isn't worth it. For example, when you live in Iowa – problem No. 1 – and you need a vehicle but don’t have access to one or the cash to afford a set of wheels, you might be tempted to steal one. Odds are that in Iowa, your choices are going to fall largely in the pickup truck or farm equipment category, but if you need something to drive, then you need something to drive. That being said, you’re not going to want to fall short on your attempted vehicle jacking and end up with nothing more than a bag of dog sh*t for your troubles. Such was the fate of a would-be truck thief who attempted to jack a truck parked outside a Des Moines home and instead took home a bag of canine feces as a consolation prize. The Des Moines Police Department responded to a report of an attempted burglary around 4:45 p.m. and when they rolled up on the residence, the homeowner told police someone broke into the driver's side door of his truck. The ever-amusing police report stated that the person who tried to steal the truck checked the bed of the vehicle and grabbed what turned out to be "a bag of dog feces." Amazingly, there are no suspects in the case, but should one emerge, he or she could face third-degree burglary charges. The obvious question is what sort of value you place on dog poop in a bag and there is an answer, namely $1. If nothing else, we’ve all learned the value of doggy waste products……….

- File this one under quintessential hipster indie rock coolness doing random artsy sh*t because we’re a quintessential hipster indie rock band. The National have long been favorites on the indie scene and beloved by the cooler-than-thou sect, so they’re the perfect band to release a box set documenting their 2013 performance at New York's Museum Of Modern Art in which they played the same three-minute song ('Sorrow') continuously for six hours. There isn't a more pompous “artist moment” than doing a performance piece consisting of 105 renditions of the same damn song and for anyone who didn’t feel like going to the MOMA and listening to a song so many times that they literally hated it with the core of their soul, the box set will bring it back to life. 'A Lot of Sorrow' will document the band's entire night, including all 105 renditions of the track and the one that saw drummer Bryan Devendorf sitting out to enjoy a break while his band mates kept rolling on. The very existence of this box set is offensive in and of itself, but when you consider that it will cost a whopping $150, it kicks up to a whole new level. If you just want to listen to ‘Sorrow’ once, you can merely pop in the album – “High Violet” – on which it appeared and give it a spin. The MOMA performance was a collaboration with artist Ragnar Kjartansson and here’s hoping it never happens again. Coincidentally, last week National released new single 'Sunshine On My Back' to mark the worldwide VHX release of their documentary “Mistaken For Strangers.” Named after another of their songs, about singer Matt Berninger’s brother Tom’s attempts to succeed as a director by filming the band on tour. It’s all very artsy and too cool for school, which pretty much sums up what The National have always been about……….

- Riot Watch! Riot Watch! Okay, so it’s more of a lame, peaceful march in the name of ending a war that has spanned half a century and claimed thousands of lives, but Colombia doesn’t really need more violence these days. What it does need is the input of thousands of marchers who waved white flags and paraded through cities across the country Thursday to support peace talks between the government and guerrilla. The dual-purpose march also paid tribute to victims of the nation's armed conflict and came as the government extended a suspension of air attacks on the country's main rebel movement amid a day of marches in support of peace. The Man even got involved in the festivities as President Juan Manuel Santos led more than 8,000 people through Bogota, marching alongside victims who suffered at the hands of rebels and paramilitary groups. At the end of the march, Santos spoke at the presidential palace and announced a one-month extension of the order he gave in March that the military suspend air attacks on camps of the Revolutionary Armed Forces of Colombia. Of course, this doesn’t mean that peace is imminent, not when the two parties have been in negotiations in Havana since 2012 to end Colombia's half-century-old conflict. Peace is likely still a long way off even if most of the country is rooting for it and all but willing it to happen. A Molotov cocktail or two hurled in rage is entertaining to watch, but 50 years of civil war is enough to make even the most ardent riot lover amenable to some peace and quiet……….

- First come the strongly worded letters, then come the pocket­-change fines and finally….nothing. That’s the pattern Major League Baseball has started with its sending of written warnings to players who have violated its new pace-of-game rules. MLB spokesman Mike Teevan said about 10 letters had been sent since the start of the season last weekend and for some reason, the league seems to feel pretty good about toothless measures that players have already said they won't follow regardless of what penalties they face. Simply put, hitters are required to keep one foot in the batter's box, with exceptions such as after foul balls. Boston Red Sox slugger David Ortiz was asked about the new rules and called them bullsh*t, indicating that he’ll step out of the box when and where he damn well feels like it. The $500 fines that will accompany the violation starting May 1 are no deterrent to guys who will lose that much money in the dugout betting a teammate he won't eat a sunflower seed that was stuck to the bottom of their cleats. The new rules also require pitchers to start innings before 30 seconds remain on the countdown clocks, so hitters aren't being singled out. Look for zero changes when fines are levied, other than professional athletes with one less pair of high-end designer shoes in their travel bags and a chip on their shoulder because their sport is trying to shorten games and make them more watchable by insisting that they not turn every plate appearance into the baseball equivalent of a congressional filibuster. Points for the effort, MLB, but you’re fighting a losing battle on this one……..

Solar-powered San Fran toilets, punching Marilyn Manson and bad NBA war analogies

- Memo to all athletes and coaches at all levels of sports: Stop using war analogies and the world – including your lives by association – will be a better place for it. What you do is in no way on the same level as men and women who put their lives on the line trying to defend a nation against enemies trying to kill them in a variety of awful ways, so using any war analogy is offensive on so many levels. Take Los Angeles Lakers coach Byron Scott, who dealt with the latest frustrating loss in a season full of them by angrily saying he knew which of his players he "wouldn't want to be in a foxhole with.” After his team's 30-point loss to the Portland Trail Blazers on Friday and the Lakers' 28-point loss to the Los Angeles Clippers on Sunday, Scott sounded very much like a coach whose team was setting a new franchise record for losses in a season with each defeat. He lit into his team and tried to liken playing professional basketball for a living for millions of dollars is similar to soldiers on the battlefield hiding in a hole in the ground in an effort to stay alive. "After the last two games ... I was probably as frustrated as anybody," Scott said. "I thought the last two games, we didn't come close. So that frustration boiled over. At that particular time, there wasn't a lot of guys that I would want to be in the foxhole with. I want guys that I know I can go to battle with.” One of Scott’s primary targets has been reserve guard Nick Young, a.k.a. Swaggy P. Scott recently said Young "has to grow as a basketball player if he wants to continue to play in this league for a long time and ripped Young’s defense but the coach insisted he talks to all of his players “about what they need to do to get better as a basketball player.” Maybe write, “Don’t be like your coach and use regrettable war analogies” at the top of that list………..

- There is family strife straining the inner sanctum of France's far-right National Front party and it’s getting uglier than normal when the party’s racist founder is involved. Party founder Jean-Marie Le Pen is on the record as saying that the Nazi gas chambers were merely a "detail in history,” an ignorant and offensive claim this tool has reiterated on numerous occasions as if saying something idiotic over and over makes it true. The gas chambers were a detail in history the way slavery is just a funny anecdote in the building of America, but keep believing that bullsh*t and see how it goes, Jean. Yet this fool has decided to run in France’s upcoming elections and his daughter, current party leader Marine Le Pen, said she will quickly convene the party's executive bureau to seek "means to best protect the political interests of the National Front." Simply put, she’s vowing an all-out offensive against her father and saying she will oppose his candidacy by any means necessary. To her limited credit, Marine Le Pen has worked to clean up the party's anti-Semitic, racist image and has fought a guerrilla war with her old-guard father, but she has yet to actually discipline him in any way despite his bigoted, hateful views and outright refusal to admit how horrible the Holocaust truly was. It’s hard to praise Marine Le Pen too much for promising to oppose her father's candidacy to head the list in December regional elections in southern France largely because the old man has little chance to win anything, but maybe there’s still a shred of hope for his out-of-touch views to change. Haha, just kidding. This old fart is a lost cause………

- The reasons behind what went down at a Denny's restaurant in Alberta, Canada after a Marilyn Manson show doesn’t matter as much as one might think. The shock rocker who is much less out-there and shocking than he was 15 years ago because there is so much more visible freakery in the world and he’s no longer the most bizarre cat out there found himself in a scuffle as the low-end breakfast joint after a concert in the city, proving that even a well-off recording artist can be a sucker for greasy sausage, cheap pancakes and oily hash browns in the middle of the night. What went down from there depends upon whom you’re asking. Some witnesses claim that Manson became embroiled in a dispute with a fellow diner because the rocker called this dude’s girlfriend a b*tch, prompting the local man to dent Manson’s face with his fist. However, Manson has denied making comments that caused the man to punch him in the face and through his agent said that he was minding his own business when he was attacked. Other witnesses backed up that story and said Manson was friendly, taking time to sign autographs and pose for photos with fans when he was attacked. Police confirm there was a disturbance at Denny's that night, but no charges were filed and the investigation is closed, so whoever was at fault here must not feel the need for legal justice. In the end, all that matters is the hilarious spectacle of a denim-clad denizen of one of the world’s most docile nations becoming so enraged/eager to troll a world-famous rock star that he used his fists of fury to bring the rage to Manson’s face when the musician was merely trying to order a Grand Slam and eat in peace……….

- Public restrooms, especially those of the portable kind, are a uniformly disgusting lot. So how can they also be the solution for problems with sanitation and human waste in San Francisco's Tenderloin neighborhood? It’s easy and due in large part to a pilot program inspired by a group of students at De Marillac Academy, a private Catholic school in the neighborhood. The students wrote and read poems to city officials about their struggles growing up in the Tenderloin area, where they had to keep an eye out when they walked to avoid stepping on syringes and human feces. That spurred an idea of how to clean up the area and so it is that mere blocks away from fancy stores and long lines of tourists waiting for cable cars, solar-powered toilets are rolling in four afternoons per week. Mobile commodes are not new, but solar-powered ones on wheels and guarded by attendants are a long way from stinky music festival toilets in rows in the middle of some field on a sweltering summer afternoon. Putting them on the streets has proven to be a huge success and the program has been so successful that city officials say Portland, Oregon, Honolulu and New York have inquired about it as a means of resolving similar sanitation problems. Proponents of the pushable poop depositories say having public bathrooms accessible has taken a neighborhood known for crime, homelessness and poverty and improved its livability. "Everyone has to go to the bathroom, that's not something anyone can stop," said Jane Kim, a San Francisco supervisor whose district includes the neighborhood. "This program affords people some dignity to take care of a human need." Workers bring in two portable toilets with sinks and mounted on a trailer by trucks each Tuesday through Friday and set up in three spots near soup kitchens and a park – all areas that attract large clusters of people. The solar sh*tters are dropped off at 2 p.m. and taken out at 9 p.m. to be cleaned and attendants working for a nonprofit contracted by the city make sure they stay reasonably sanitary and keep them stocked with toilet paper, air freshener, soap, paper towels and seat covers. Anyone who stays inside longer than five minutes receives a courtesy knock…….

Exporting the NBA to Cuba, Parents Who Should Not Be Parents and Catfish and the Bottlemen v. One Direction

- It cannot feel good to be the sole Russian deputy to vote last year against the annexation of Crime, at least not any time beyond a day or so following that vote. Enter Ilya Ponomarev, who is no longer viewed as a bold, free thinker willing to stand alone in the face of a tyrannical regime looking to perpetuate its quest for world domination, but rather as the target of a parliament that has voted to allow legal action against him for daring to go against the grain. The State Duma voted overwhelmingly to strip of immunity against prosecution, paving the way for legal proceedings against him that could cost him his seat, which is a nice way of saying his life is about to become the seventh circle of hell. The Duma can say it was simply responding to a prosecutors' request in a case in which he is accused of embezzlement related to his work for a state-funded technological foundation. If those charges seem cooked up against someone against whom the government now has a major beef, then you’ve clearly seen the Russian government do business before. The good news for Ponomarev is that he is currently in the United States and therefore might consider just hanging out for a while and hoping this all blows over. Then again, for one of the leaders behind the 2011-2012 anti-government protests, that seems unlikely. Ponomarev says the motion is a politically motivated attempt to kick him out of parliament and prevent his return from abroad and will lose his seat only if the court finds him guilty, but Russian judicial proceedings are typically not the most honest, straightforward proceedings……….

- Shots fired, Catfish and the Bottlemen singer Van McCann. A lot of people believe what just came out of the indie rocker’s pie hole and have believed it for some time, but the question is why McCann is so worked up about it now. After all, One Direction have existed for years now and everyone knows the man band is  "preconceived and controlled,” as McCann described them. What seems to have set him off is a tweet from One Direction member Louis Tomlinson that stated how much he loved Catfish and the Bottlemen’s music. "Genuinely made up you like it but we're here to do us best to get u lids out charts & bands in. I promised Ma a jacuzzi seem," McCann replied. "We're here to f*ck you lot off." Peel back the layers of British slang and you have some genuine musical rage, rage that does not seem to have abated in the months since. You lot won a competition. I've sat in a band of seven years while you queued up outside Manchester Arena the did a bit of disco to a man behind a table who then put a few dollar bills down your jacket," McCann added. "Everything they do is preconceived and controlled. It's live pantomime." The Welsh band recently released its debut album and while creating an unnecessary feud with a group – albeit a hacky one with no authenticity whatsoever – with a much bigger public profile could come off as a contrived publicity stunt, McCann and his bandmates are fine with the blowback. "We don't care if people don't like it," McCann said. "We're resonating with young people because no one else is doing the big guitars and chorus thing.” His music is based on a life growing up in his Welsh hometown of Llandudno and is vastly superior to anything One Direction has ever cranked out, so he can really say whatever he wants about them………

- Welcome to the newest edition of “There are a lot of people who shouldn’t be parents.” Today’s participants are Aaron Tate and Rachel Jaajaa, Northeast Ohio residents who clearly should’ve taken a pass on procreating or at least waited a decade or so until they were no longer ignorant, selfish, immature ass hats who would do something so patently moronic as leaving a 3-month-old in the parking lot of a McDonald’s like she was a half-empty cup of Sprite that they were too lazy to finish or throw away in the trash can 15 feet away. Instead, this unfortunate infant's parents have been charged with child endangering after police say they couldn't agree which one would take care of her over the weekend and rather than one of them step up and do the job or at least drop her off with someone who wasn’t a blight on humanity so that person could care for the child, they both bolted the scene. Police in Elyria say Jaajaa was leaving McDonald's after her shift ended Friday and Tate met her in the parking lot with the child. He clearly had had enough of caring for the child while his significant other was working a low-paying, dirty job to make money for the infant’s needs and wanted to hand the baby off. Jaajaa refused to take the baby because she had plans and clearly, that human being that lived inside her for nine months and depends on her for sustenance did not fit into said plans. The best part of the story – if there can be a best part of this dumpster fire of adult incompetence and life failures – is what happened next. These two went from the McDonald’s parking lot to a nearby Burger King, where an officer found them continuing their dispute. What the hell? You didn’t think it was appropriate to have this fight outside Mickey D’s, so you brought the home of the Whopper into the mix? Did Round 3 occur at Arby’s before you finished things off with fisticuffs at Jack in the Box The responsible parties in this story, for the first time in human history, were the minimum wage-earners at McDonald’s, who called police. Jaajaa's sister is now caring for the baby, which probably should have happened before now, and if there is any justice this world, neither mom nor dad will be allowed near the child again………..

- Cuba is about to get a firsthand taste of the United States’ best export, the one in which America remains unquestionably the best in the world: basketball. The NBA is set to become the first U.S. professional sports league to visit Cuba since President Barack Obama ordered diplomatic relations between the countries to be restored when the Association holds a four-day development camp and host clinics for youth from April 23-26. While the timing of the event won't exactly allow the league’s best to take part and truly bring the highest level of hoops to the impoverished island nation, the camp will have newly retired two-time MVP Steve Nash, newly elected Hall of Famer Dikembe Mutombo and former WNBA star Ticha Penicheiro. No idea who Penicheiro is, but sending a former WNBA player is probably better than sending no one at all, even if she is flanked by coaches of two of the league’s most mediocre teams, Quin Snyder of Utah and James Borrego of Orlando. Of all of the places we've been to, it's amazing to think this is the first time the NBA will be hosting events in that country," NBA Deputy Commissioner Mark Tatum said. "While we're in Cuba, we're going to teach the values of our game, things like teamwork, respect, dedication. Our game is an inclusive, easy-to-understand sport that has brought people together. We think this is a great opportunity to bridge cultures through basketball." The NBA and FIBA, basketball's world governing body, also plan to issue an invitation for a pair of players and a coach from Cuba to participate in an upcoming Basketball without Borders camp for the first time, further globalizing the one sport that stands above the rest when it comes to being universal no matter where in the world one finds themselves. It may not fire Americans up like the improved chance to get their hands on some quality Cuban cigars, but it’s still pretty damn cool……..