- If controversy does indeed create cash, then the NBA should be swimming in dollars right now. Even someone who doesn’t follow the Association that closely has undoubtedly heard about the controversies involving the rules against players arguing foul calls and about the new synthetic basketball being used in games. In fact, unless you are an avid NBA fan and a watcher of NBA-specific programs on ESPN or TNT, those two issues are pretty much all you hear about in relation to pro basketball. Players are getting technical fouls and ejections for looking at officials the wrong way after foul calls, and the new basketball is too slick/doesn’t bounce right/is hard to dribble. In other words, there’s a lot of upheaval about players’ rights to b*tch about falls calls and a lot of b*tching about whether the new ball is the right choice. No one in the mainstream sports media is very concerned with the NBA right now, and with good reason. Who cares about spoiled, rich, whiny pro players and their gangsta ways when you’ve got the most popular sports league in the U.S., the NFL, in full swing, the NCAA football season in the homestretch and NCAA hoops now kicking off? See you in May, NBA, when your own playoffs begin and people pretend to be interested in you for a month and a half.
- Fidel Castro is not in good health, and U.S. government officials have really specific intel as to exactly what the situation is. He’s got cancer in his stomach, they say………….or maybe in his colon…….scratch that, might be in his pancreas. But it’s somewhere in the general abdomen area. More great intelligence, and it doesn’t at all make you wonder why they’ve been unable to locate Osama bin Laden. He’s hiding in the mountains……maybe in the desert, might be in an underground bunker, might be at a lake house in Tahoe……But U.S. officials seem confident that Castro will not live past 2007, which of course means that come 2015, we’ll be looking at an 89-year-old Fidel still at the helm in Cuba.
- President Bush now openly welcomes idea for how to end the war in Iraq. So many possible jokes here…..brain overload…….breathe….need to breathe………alright, I think I am calm enough to proceed. Are you freaking kidding me? Now you want ideas? Now, after you’ve spent billions, had thousands die and wasted months and months on a pointless conflict, now you want ideas? Will there be a suggestion box posted outside of the Oval Office? Does the best suggestion win a prize, like a paperweight shaped like the White House or a weekend at the Crawford ranch with W? What’s amazing is that in a two-day span, from right before last week’s elections to right after, the administration’s policy on Iraq went from “Full speed ahead” and “Stay the course” to “fresh perspective” and “no one can be happy”. Really, things are suddenly very wrong and weren't before? Hmmmm. Maybe W and the Mensa members in his administration can send out for some KFC chicken and Budweiser and hunker down in a conference room for a brainstorming session. Do a few team-building exercises, some ice-breaker games, then bust out one of W’s old Texas Rangers hats and put their suggestions for the Iraq situation on folded up pieces of notebook paper into the hat and pick them out for discussion. Our country is being led by a moron, and we’ve still got two years to go in his reign of error.
- Eloyn Ingraham of Tamarac, Florida did not shoot the sheriff, but he did shoot the deputy. As always with the criminal geniuses who populate our great nation, at least Ingraham had good provocation for shooting and killing a police officer…..he had gotten pulled over at a routine traffic stop. Correct me if I’m wrong, but killing a law enforcement officer can definitely get you the death penalty. Yeah, getting out of a speeding ticket is definitely worth being executed over. The more idiots like this that we have out there, the fewer acceptable arguments the NRA and other gun-activist groups have for the average American’s right to possess and carry guns. Your right to hunt Bambi and have a gun in your car is worth having cops killed? Guns don’t kill people, stupid people with guns kill people. Take the guns out of the equation and people like this police officer don’t get shot and killed.
- Spain has the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona, and Madrid has……..the Running of the Sheep. Angry farmers paraded their filthy, smelly, unsanitary sheep through downtown Madrid over the weekend to advocate the protection of ancient grazing routes now being threatened by urban sprawl. No word on whether the sheep were carrying their own picket signs or had protest messages carved into their wool, but about 700 of them were accompanied by donkeys, horses and a few humans. Better yet, this is the fourteenth year of this protest, which advocates the protection of 78,000 miles of ancient paths used for grazing. So for those planning a visit to Spain, early November is one of those times you’ll want to avoid.
- Oh, how I love environmental activists. That love is rooted firmly in the fact that so many of them are whack jobs that do absolutely insane things to protest issues that no one cares about and that aren't all that substantial in the grand scheme of things. Whether it’s living in a tree for months to keep it from being cut down or the most recent stunt against nuclear development and proliferation. The Robin Wood (sounds like a porn actor, honestly) environmental group suspended two of its members from a rope that was stretched across railroad tracks in Dannenberg, Germany, to stop a train carrying reprocessed nuclear waste. And whaddya know, trees were involved. Two additional activists in nearby trees supported the rope while the other two climbed out on it and chained themselves to the rope above the tracks. Of course, what would have been better than the train somehow derailing to try and avoid hitting these two tools and spilling nuclear waste all over? That would have been a great boon for the environment that the Robin Wood group is so desperate to protect. Think these things through next time, fellas, and if all else fails, just chain yourselves to some more trees.
- At what point does a band or music group cease to be a group, i.e. what percentage of actual original members need to still be alive and/or a part of the band? This question arises because The Who, well, the two remaining members of popular rock group, Roger Daltrey and Pete Townshend, have a new album, Endless Wire released as an album by The Who. So if at some point it’s just Daltrey left, can he go into the studio, lay down some drum tracks, drop in the guitar chords, then record the bass lines and top it all off with some vocals and declare it another album by The Who? I’m not knocking the album itself, critics are saying good things about it and I’ve long been a fan of the band. All I’m saying is find a new name for your group, give us some truth in advertising. People will still recognize you as Roger Daltrey and Pete Townshend, who were members of The Who. But doing things as you are, you are leaving the door wide open for Joey Fatone, in about two decades or so, to bring us a new album by N’Sync on which he sings all of the crappy vocals, does all of the choreographed dance moves and has all of the frosted hair while wearing very manly outfits straight from the Gap.
Monday, November 13, 2006
maudlin mondays
- If controversy does indeed create cash, then the NBA should be swimming in dollars right now. Even someone who doesn’t follow the Association that closely has undoubtedly heard about the controversies involving the rules against players arguing foul calls and about the new synthetic basketball being used in games. In fact, unless you are an avid NBA fan and a watcher of NBA-specific programs on ESPN or TNT, those two issues are pretty much all you hear about in relation to pro basketball. Players are getting technical fouls and ejections for looking at officials the wrong way after foul calls, and the new basketball is too slick/doesn’t bounce right/is hard to dribble. In other words, there’s a lot of upheaval about players’ rights to b*tch about falls calls and a lot of b*tching about whether the new ball is the right choice. No one in the mainstream sports media is very concerned with the NBA right now, and with good reason. Who cares about spoiled, rich, whiny pro players and their gangsta ways when you’ve got the most popular sports league in the U.S., the NFL, in full swing, the NCAA football season in the homestretch and NCAA hoops now kicking off? See you in May, NBA, when your own playoffs begin and people pretend to be interested in you for a month and a half.
- Fidel Castro is not in good health, and U.S. government officials have really specific intel as to exactly what the situation is. He’s got cancer in his stomach, they say………….or maybe in his colon…….scratch that, might be in his pancreas. But it’s somewhere in the general abdomen area. More great intelligence, and it doesn’t at all make you wonder why they’ve been unable to locate Osama bin Laden. He’s hiding in the mountains……maybe in the desert, might be in an underground bunker, might be at a lake house in Tahoe……But U.S. officials seem confident that Castro will not live past 2007, which of course means that come 2015, we’ll be looking at an 89-year-old Fidel still at the helm in Cuba.
- President Bush now openly welcomes idea for how to end the war in Iraq. So many possible jokes here…..brain overload…….breathe….need to breathe………alright, I think I am calm enough to proceed. Are you freaking kidding me? Now you want ideas? Now, after you’ve spent billions, had thousands die and wasted months and months on a pointless conflict, now you want ideas? Will there be a suggestion box posted outside of the Oval Office? Does the best suggestion win a prize, like a paperweight shaped like the White House or a weekend at the Crawford ranch with W? What’s amazing is that in a two-day span, from right before last week’s elections to right after, the administration’s policy on Iraq went from “Full speed ahead” and “Stay the course” to “fresh perspective” and “no one can be happy”. Really, things are suddenly very wrong and weren't before? Hmmmm. Maybe W and the Mensa members in his administration can send out for some KFC chicken and Budweiser and hunker down in a conference room for a brainstorming session. Do a few team-building exercises, some ice-breaker games, then bust out one of W’s old Texas Rangers hats and put their suggestions for the Iraq situation on folded up pieces of notebook paper into the hat and pick them out for discussion. Our country is being led by a moron, and we’ve still got two years to go in his reign of error.
- Eloyn Ingraham of Tamarac, Florida did not shoot the sheriff, but he did shoot the deputy. As always with the criminal geniuses who populate our great nation, at least Ingraham had good provocation for shooting and killing a police officer…..he had gotten pulled over at a routine traffic stop. Correct me if I’m wrong, but killing a law enforcement officer can definitely get you the death penalty. Yeah, getting out of a speeding ticket is definitely worth being executed over. The more idiots like this that we have out there, the fewer acceptable arguments the NRA and other gun-activist groups have for the average American’s right to possess and carry guns. Your right to hunt Bambi and have a gun in your car is worth having cops killed? Guns don’t kill people, stupid people with guns kill people. Take the guns out of the equation and people like this police officer don’t get shot and killed.
- Spain has the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona, and Madrid has……..the Running of the Sheep. Angry farmers paraded their filthy, smelly, unsanitary sheep through downtown Madrid over the weekend to advocate the protection of ancient grazing routes now being threatened by urban sprawl. No word on whether the sheep were carrying their own picket signs or had protest messages carved into their wool, but about 700 of them were accompanied by donkeys, horses and a few humans. Better yet, this is the fourteenth year of this protest, which advocates the protection of 78,000 miles of ancient paths used for grazing. So for those planning a visit to Spain, early November is one of those times you’ll want to avoid.
- Oh, how I love environmental activists. That love is rooted firmly in the fact that so many of them are whack jobs that do absolutely insane things to protest issues that no one cares about and that aren't all that substantial in the grand scheme of things. Whether it’s living in a tree for months to keep it from being cut down or the most recent stunt against nuclear development and proliferation. The Robin Wood (sounds like a porn actor, honestly) environmental group suspended two of its members from a rope that was stretched across railroad tracks in Dannenberg, Germany, to stop a train carrying reprocessed nuclear waste. And whaddya know, trees were involved. Two additional activists in nearby trees supported the rope while the other two climbed out on it and chained themselves to the rope above the tracks. Of course, what would have been better than the train somehow derailing to try and avoid hitting these two tools and spilling nuclear waste all over? That would have been a great boon for the environment that the Robin Wood group is so desperate to protect. Think these things through next time, fellas, and if all else fails, just chain yourselves to some more trees.
- At what point does a band or music group cease to be a group, i.e. what percentage of actual original members need to still be alive and/or a part of the band? This question arises because The Who, well, the two remaining members of popular rock group, Roger Daltrey and Pete Townshend, have a new album, Endless Wire released as an album by The Who. So if at some point it’s just Daltrey left, can he go into the studio, lay down some drum tracks, drop in the guitar chords, then record the bass lines and top it all off with some vocals and declare it another album by The Who? I’m not knocking the album itself, critics are saying good things about it and I’ve long been a fan of the band. All I’m saying is find a new name for your group, give us some truth in advertising. People will still recognize you as Roger Daltrey and Pete Townshend, who were members of The Who. But doing things as you are, you are leaving the door wide open for Joey Fatone, in about two decades or so, to bring us a new album by N’Sync on which he sings all of the crappy vocals, does all of the choreographed dance moves and has all of the frosted hair while wearing very manly outfits straight from the Gap.
- Fidel Castro is not in good health, and U.S. government officials have really specific intel as to exactly what the situation is. He’s got cancer in his stomach, they say………….or maybe in his colon…….scratch that, might be in his pancreas. But it’s somewhere in the general abdomen area. More great intelligence, and it doesn’t at all make you wonder why they’ve been unable to locate Osama bin Laden. He’s hiding in the mountains……maybe in the desert, might be in an underground bunker, might be at a lake house in Tahoe……But U.S. officials seem confident that Castro will not live past 2007, which of course means that come 2015, we’ll be looking at an 89-year-old Fidel still at the helm in Cuba.
- President Bush now openly welcomes idea for how to end the war in Iraq. So many possible jokes here…..brain overload…….breathe….need to breathe………alright, I think I am calm enough to proceed. Are you freaking kidding me? Now you want ideas? Now, after you’ve spent billions, had thousands die and wasted months and months on a pointless conflict, now you want ideas? Will there be a suggestion box posted outside of the Oval Office? Does the best suggestion win a prize, like a paperweight shaped like the White House or a weekend at the Crawford ranch with W? What’s amazing is that in a two-day span, from right before last week’s elections to right after, the administration’s policy on Iraq went from “Full speed ahead” and “Stay the course” to “fresh perspective” and “no one can be happy”. Really, things are suddenly very wrong and weren't before? Hmmmm. Maybe W and the Mensa members in his administration can send out for some KFC chicken and Budweiser and hunker down in a conference room for a brainstorming session. Do a few team-building exercises, some ice-breaker games, then bust out one of W’s old Texas Rangers hats and put their suggestions for the Iraq situation on folded up pieces of notebook paper into the hat and pick them out for discussion. Our country is being led by a moron, and we’ve still got two years to go in his reign of error.
- Eloyn Ingraham of Tamarac, Florida did not shoot the sheriff, but he did shoot the deputy. As always with the criminal geniuses who populate our great nation, at least Ingraham had good provocation for shooting and killing a police officer…..he had gotten pulled over at a routine traffic stop. Correct me if I’m wrong, but killing a law enforcement officer can definitely get you the death penalty. Yeah, getting out of a speeding ticket is definitely worth being executed over. The more idiots like this that we have out there, the fewer acceptable arguments the NRA and other gun-activist groups have for the average American’s right to possess and carry guns. Your right to hunt Bambi and have a gun in your car is worth having cops killed? Guns don’t kill people, stupid people with guns kill people. Take the guns out of the equation and people like this police officer don’t get shot and killed.
- Spain has the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona, and Madrid has……..the Running of the Sheep. Angry farmers paraded their filthy, smelly, unsanitary sheep through downtown Madrid over the weekend to advocate the protection of ancient grazing routes now being threatened by urban sprawl. No word on whether the sheep were carrying their own picket signs or had protest messages carved into their wool, but about 700 of them were accompanied by donkeys, horses and a few humans. Better yet, this is the fourteenth year of this protest, which advocates the protection of 78,000 miles of ancient paths used for grazing. So for those planning a visit to Spain, early November is one of those times you’ll want to avoid.
- Oh, how I love environmental activists. That love is rooted firmly in the fact that so many of them are whack jobs that do absolutely insane things to protest issues that no one cares about and that aren't all that substantial in the grand scheme of things. Whether it’s living in a tree for months to keep it from being cut down or the most recent stunt against nuclear development and proliferation. The Robin Wood (sounds like a porn actor, honestly) environmental group suspended two of its members from a rope that was stretched across railroad tracks in Dannenberg, Germany, to stop a train carrying reprocessed nuclear waste. And whaddya know, trees were involved. Two additional activists in nearby trees supported the rope while the other two climbed out on it and chained themselves to the rope above the tracks. Of course, what would have been better than the train somehow derailing to try and avoid hitting these two tools and spilling nuclear waste all over? That would have been a great boon for the environment that the Robin Wood group is so desperate to protect. Think these things through next time, fellas, and if all else fails, just chain yourselves to some more trees.
- At what point does a band or music group cease to be a group, i.e. what percentage of actual original members need to still be alive and/or a part of the band? This question arises because The Who, well, the two remaining members of popular rock group, Roger Daltrey and Pete Townshend, have a new album, Endless Wire released as an album by The Who. So if at some point it’s just Daltrey left, can he go into the studio, lay down some drum tracks, drop in the guitar chords, then record the bass lines and top it all off with some vocals and declare it another album by The Who? I’m not knocking the album itself, critics are saying good things about it and I’ve long been a fan of the band. All I’m saying is find a new name for your group, give us some truth in advertising. People will still recognize you as Roger Daltrey and Pete Townshend, who were members of The Who. But doing things as you are, you are leaving the door wide open for Joey Fatone, in about two decades or so, to bring us a new album by N’Sync on which he sings all of the crappy vocals, does all of the choreographed dance moves and has all of the frosted hair while wearing very manly outfits straight from the Gap.
Sunday, November 12, 2006
the Sunday five
- Word on the street is that FOX is considering moving The O.C. to Wednesday nights on a permanent basis. Apparently the Thursday at 9 p.m. time slot is a tough one (gee, who would have guessed, other than everybody), and despite a solid first three episodes of the season, the show isn't doing as well as FOX execs would like in the ratings. Honestly, I don’t care what night you put it on, because I’ll watch, but here’s hoping The O.C. lands on a night and time where it can do well and stay on the air as long as possible. Never mind the fact that the 9 p.m. Thursday slot was a perfect fit for me, I am willing to sacrifice my TV watching schedule harmony for the betterment of one of my favorite shows. I’m just that nice of a person, and I’m sure FOX execs will truly appreciate my generosity.
- America is apparently much more hip hop than I thought. X of the top ten songs on the current Billboard singles chart are in the hip hop/rap arena, and despite cringing and resisting the urge to vomit repeatedly when I realized that, I also had to wonder: isn't America largely white and suburban? Could it be that listening to Akon, Ludacris or Chris Brown helps very white, very non-gangsta Americans feel like they actually are hard and street? Because for the life of me I can’t understand why Joey Suburban thinks he can identify with music about gangs, thugs and Cristal poppin’ rappers. Not all hip hop is focused on those topcis, I know, but the point is that so much of what rap and hip hop are about have absolutely no relation to the apparently high numbers of non-hip hop backgrounded listeners who are buying and requesting these songs to be played on radio.
- Never does it cease to amuse me, the music chosen as theme songs or intro music for sporting events on TV. Who at NBC was the one to raise their hand in a production meeting and say, “Hey, you know who would should get to do the song for Sunday Night Football? Pink! Everyone loves her music and she’s just so incredibly talented? And why was this person not drug tested on the spot? Does anyone actually listen to Pink? Are we sure she still has a career? Ever since she stopped making fun of Britney and Christina, does she have anything else to sing about? And her hair is no longer pink, so why does she insist on calling herself Pink? Can't she go with something more reflective of how she looks and acts? Maybe mannish-looking no talent hack? Is that a bit too harsh? Well, so is subjecting me to her questionable vocal stylings every Sunday night when all I want is to watch a little football.
- Somebody needs to check the wind currents inside Indianapolis’ RCA Dome. Yes, wind currents inside a dome, you read that right. Kickers keep boomeranging seemingly simple kicks waaaaaay off course, hooking them further right or left than one of my tee shots when I play nine at the local muni course. Last season, then-Colts kicker Mike Vander-shank, er, Vanderjagt, hooked a crucial kick that could have sent the Colts to the AFC title game. Then today, Buffalo Bills kicker Rian Lindell massively yanks a straight-on kick with less than a minute left that could’ve won the game and handed the Colts their first loss of the season. I know kicking is a tough endeavor, but there’s no way normally very accurate kickers should be missing so badly on kicks indoors. Break out the wind gauge and figure out what’s going on, because kicks in Indy need to stop landing in different zip codes from the ones they began in.
- America is apparently much more hip hop than I thought. X of the top ten songs on the current Billboard singles chart are in the hip hop/rap arena, and despite cringing and resisting the urge to vomit repeatedly when I realized that, I also had to wonder: isn't America largely white and suburban? Could it be that listening to Akon, Ludacris or Chris Brown helps very white, very non-gangsta Americans feel like they actually are hard and street? Because for the life of me I can’t understand why Joey Suburban thinks he can identify with music about gangs, thugs and Cristal poppin’ rappers. Not all hip hop is focused on those topcis, I know, but the point is that so much of what rap and hip hop are about have absolutely no relation to the apparently high numbers of non-hip hop backgrounded listeners who are buying and requesting these songs to be played on radio.
- Never does it cease to amuse me, the music chosen as theme songs or intro music for sporting events on TV. Who at NBC was the one to raise their hand in a production meeting and say, “Hey, you know who would should get to do the song for Sunday Night Football? Pink! Everyone loves her music and she’s just so incredibly talented? And why was this person not drug tested on the spot? Does anyone actually listen to Pink? Are we sure she still has a career? Ever since she stopped making fun of Britney and Christina, does she have anything else to sing about? And her hair is no longer pink, so why does she insist on calling herself Pink? Can't she go with something more reflective of how she looks and acts? Maybe mannish-looking no talent hack? Is that a bit too harsh? Well, so is subjecting me to her questionable vocal stylings every Sunday night when all I want is to watch a little football.
- Somebody needs to check the wind currents inside Indianapolis’ RCA Dome. Yes, wind currents inside a dome, you read that right. Kickers keep boomeranging seemingly simple kicks waaaaaay off course, hooking them further right or left than one of my tee shots when I play nine at the local muni course. Last season, then-Colts kicker Mike Vander-shank, er, Vanderjagt, hooked a crucial kick that could have sent the Colts to the AFC title game. Then today, Buffalo Bills kicker Rian Lindell massively yanks a straight-on kick with less than a minute left that could’ve won the game and handed the Colts their first loss of the season. I know kicking is a tough endeavor, but there’s no way normally very accurate kickers should be missing so badly on kicks indoors. Break out the wind gauge and figure out what’s going on, because kicks in Indy need to stop landing in different zip codes from the ones they began in.
- Time to begin shrink-wrapping your clothes before going on a trip, at least if you are flying. Either that or attempt to wear every single piece of clothing you will be taking on your person before boarding the plane. A Transportation Department study showed that in August, an astounding 33 percent more baggage went missing than in August the previous year. The worst offenders were Atlantic Southeast Airlines, Comair and American Eagle Airlines, all of whom lost at baggage for at least 17.6 out of every 1,000 passengers. Atlantic Southeast was worst, 24.6 per 1,000 passengers, and each of the three saw their totals approximately double from last year during the same time period. Financial problems at many airlines are being partially blamed, because radio frequency ID tags, which could alert airlines if a bag doesn’t make it to its correct destination, aren't being used or developed further because of these financial constraints. Hey, why not just find more competent people to handle the bags? That might work, maybe give them more training, pay more to get more competent baggage handlers, whatever it takes. Otherwise, I’m gonna be forced to board the plane next time wearing six pairs of underwear, four pairs of pants, seven shirts and with a small carry on bag packed full of my other items.
Saturday, November 11, 2006
YouTube saves the day, and the Raiders really, really suck
- See, YouTube isn't just for watching old clips of William Shatner singing Rocket Man and of scenes from Da Ali G Show. The FBI is now investigating a clip posted on YouTube of a reputed L.A. gang member being repeatedly punched in the face by L.A. cops. Obviously, I am in utter disbelief that L.A. cops would ever, ever abuse or assault a civilian in any way. It’s just unfathomable, we’ve never had any evidence that LAPD officers are violent or might cross the line when it comes to physicality with suspects. William Cardenas, the man being punched in the face in the video, sounds like he has a nice lawsuit coming up for police brutality. Chalk another one up for the virtues of YouTube, the newest crime-fighting tool for our nation’s law enforcement - against our nation’s law enforcement.
- The new Marine Corps Museum was dedicated Friday in a ceremony attended by the President. Honoring Marines is a great idea, but here’s an even better one: how about giving more protection and better equipment to the Marines currently serving in dangerous arenas around the world? Honoring Marines who have served before, good; giving better equipment and protective gear to Marines currently in combat, better idea. Leave it to the Bush administration to preside over the opening of a $60 million museum while military personnel stationed around the world are complaining that they don’t have the necessary weapons, equipment and supplies they need. Good job, W, start a war that never should’ve happened and then don’t provide those fighting it with what they need.
- College football needs a playoff, that much is obvious. Two undefeated teams, Ohio State and Michigan, reside at the top of the current rankings. They play next Saturday, leaving only one of them still unbeaten. Boise State and Rutgers are also unbeaten, but the convoluted BCS system gives those two no real shot at playing in the national title game. In between, there are a ton of one-loss teams and we’re left to try to sift through them, compare schedule strengths, strength of their respective conferences, level of impressiveness in wins, etc., and come up with one clear-cut team to play the OSU-Michigan winner for the title. College presidents need to set aside their arcane notions about a playoff and realize that it will actually help them in the one place they care about most; money. A playoff would be a huge financial boon for the colleges. The objection that another month of games would just be too much of a strain on the student athletes is ludicrous. Division 1-AA, Divisions II and III all have playoffs, and D-III schools can't even give athletic scholarships. They are more rigorous academically than most any D-I schools, yet their student athletes compete in a playoff system and are just fine. Wake up, NCAA, and give us what we all want: a 16-team playoff.
- New James Bond movie coming out this week, and I’m not sure what to make of it. Initially, I was hesitant to embrace new Bond Daniel Craig. You get used to a particular actor in the Bond role (Pierce Brosnan for my generation) and that’s that. But my reticence to be excited about the new movie, Casino Royale, has little to do with Craig. From the commercials I’ve seen and other movies I’ve seen Craig in, he should suffice in the Bond role. I just think the whole Bond genre has run its course, that’s all. There are all kinds of spy movies out there now; Mission: Impossible, XXX with Vin Diesel, and so on. Bond has been around for decades, and even for a line of films that is traditionally pretty predictable in terms of plot, characters, general vibe of the movies, I feel like we’ve reached a point where no new Bond territory can be explored sufficiently as to provide a great movie. Casino Royale will make money, sure, but I don’t think it’s going to be a huge success, either with critics or in terms of box office revenue.
- With every successive single that I hear from Fergie’s album (unwillingly, I might add. People at sporting events and radio that is played at public places like stores, malls, etc. seem fixated on her music), I am more and more in disbelief that anyone buys this crap. Her current single, Fergilicious, is basically an ode, by herself to herself, of how hot she is. Fine, she’s hot, but I don’t ever, ever need to hear someone sing about themselves being hot and do so to the extent that they try to make up new words just to describe it. It’s as if she isn't even trying to make good music, but rather throw together some catchy beats, make videos of her dancing around in tight clothes and capitalize on being hot. It’s one thing to be a talented artist and not make great music (Barry Manilow, Celine Dion, etc. - they at least have musical talent, even though I can't stand to listen to either), but artists like Fergie don’t even try to make good music. They recycle clichés and crap that will make them money and do little else. If my options are grinding away at my wrists with a rusty butter knife or listening to Fergie’s CD, pass the butter knife.
- So maybe I was wrong about ABC’s now-cancelled series Six Degrees. For the most part, I liked the show. I enjoyed the premise, the characters were pretty interesting. Still, looking back at the direction the show took in recent weeks and the general quality level of the show, I can see why ratings dropped and the network pulled the plug. I think the show’s writers and execs failed to capitalize on the potential that the show had. The characters weren't developed all that much, because for the most part, their daily lives were very routine. No one wants to see the run-of-the mill, hum drum everyday life of six different people, even if they do live in NY. You have to mix in some out of the ordinary, major life event type drama to hook people. Also, some of the characters were clearly more interesting and worthy of air time than others, yet the writers were intent on continuing to weave all of the characters into each episode in some fashion. Reports are that the show may return in January, although it’s exceptionally unlikely. Chalk this one up in the column of good idea, poor execution.
- Last week’s Raiders-Seahawks game was the lowest-rated MNF game ever, according to published reports. Stunning…….not only was it the worst MNF game ever, but the worst-rated ever. That’s a rare combo to achieve, and for the life of me, I can't figure out why this game was ever scheduled for Monday night. Shouldn’t that be a showcase game for two teams expected to be among the NFL’s best in a given season? The Seahawks, I understand; they nearly won the Super Bowl last year, and no one could have known they would suffer devastating injuries to both their Pro Bowl quarterback and MVP running back. But the Raiders? They not longer have a commitment to excellence; they have a commitment to excrement based on the crap they try to pass off as a football team each Sunday during the season. They were awful last year; they added no free agents of note and one of the worst head coaches ever in terms of actual in-game coaching, yet you want to put them on the NFL’s biggest weekly stage? Huh? Next time you get a bright idea like that, NFL and ESPN, give me a call and I’ll explain why maybe it’s not the best game plan if you want to actually attract viewers to your MNF telecasts.
- The new Marine Corps Museum was dedicated Friday in a ceremony attended by the President. Honoring Marines is a great idea, but here’s an even better one: how about giving more protection and better equipment to the Marines currently serving in dangerous arenas around the world? Honoring Marines who have served before, good; giving better equipment and protective gear to Marines currently in combat, better idea. Leave it to the Bush administration to preside over the opening of a $60 million museum while military personnel stationed around the world are complaining that they don’t have the necessary weapons, equipment and supplies they need. Good job, W, start a war that never should’ve happened and then don’t provide those fighting it with what they need.
- College football needs a playoff, that much is obvious. Two undefeated teams, Ohio State and Michigan, reside at the top of the current rankings. They play next Saturday, leaving only one of them still unbeaten. Boise State and Rutgers are also unbeaten, but the convoluted BCS system gives those two no real shot at playing in the national title game. In between, there are a ton of one-loss teams and we’re left to try to sift through them, compare schedule strengths, strength of their respective conferences, level of impressiveness in wins, etc., and come up with one clear-cut team to play the OSU-Michigan winner for the title. College presidents need to set aside their arcane notions about a playoff and realize that it will actually help them in the one place they care about most; money. A playoff would be a huge financial boon for the colleges. The objection that another month of games would just be too much of a strain on the student athletes is ludicrous. Division 1-AA, Divisions II and III all have playoffs, and D-III schools can't even give athletic scholarships. They are more rigorous academically than most any D-I schools, yet their student athletes compete in a playoff system and are just fine. Wake up, NCAA, and give us what we all want: a 16-team playoff.
- New James Bond movie coming out this week, and I’m not sure what to make of it. Initially, I was hesitant to embrace new Bond Daniel Craig. You get used to a particular actor in the Bond role (Pierce Brosnan for my generation) and that’s that. But my reticence to be excited about the new movie, Casino Royale, has little to do with Craig. From the commercials I’ve seen and other movies I’ve seen Craig in, he should suffice in the Bond role. I just think the whole Bond genre has run its course, that’s all. There are all kinds of spy movies out there now; Mission: Impossible, XXX with Vin Diesel, and so on. Bond has been around for decades, and even for a line of films that is traditionally pretty predictable in terms of plot, characters, general vibe of the movies, I feel like we’ve reached a point where no new Bond territory can be explored sufficiently as to provide a great movie. Casino Royale will make money, sure, but I don’t think it’s going to be a huge success, either with critics or in terms of box office revenue.
- With every successive single that I hear from Fergie’s album (unwillingly, I might add. People at sporting events and radio that is played at public places like stores, malls, etc. seem fixated on her music), I am more and more in disbelief that anyone buys this crap. Her current single, Fergilicious, is basically an ode, by herself to herself, of how hot she is. Fine, she’s hot, but I don’t ever, ever need to hear someone sing about themselves being hot and do so to the extent that they try to make up new words just to describe it. It’s as if she isn't even trying to make good music, but rather throw together some catchy beats, make videos of her dancing around in tight clothes and capitalize on being hot. It’s one thing to be a talented artist and not make great music (Barry Manilow, Celine Dion, etc. - they at least have musical talent, even though I can't stand to listen to either), but artists like Fergie don’t even try to make good music. They recycle clichés and crap that will make them money and do little else. If my options are grinding away at my wrists with a rusty butter knife or listening to Fergie’s CD, pass the butter knife.
- So maybe I was wrong about ABC’s now-cancelled series Six Degrees. For the most part, I liked the show. I enjoyed the premise, the characters were pretty interesting. Still, looking back at the direction the show took in recent weeks and the general quality level of the show, I can see why ratings dropped and the network pulled the plug. I think the show’s writers and execs failed to capitalize on the potential that the show had. The characters weren't developed all that much, because for the most part, their daily lives were very routine. No one wants to see the run-of-the mill, hum drum everyday life of six different people, even if they do live in NY. You have to mix in some out of the ordinary, major life event type drama to hook people. Also, some of the characters were clearly more interesting and worthy of air time than others, yet the writers were intent on continuing to weave all of the characters into each episode in some fashion. Reports are that the show may return in January, although it’s exceptionally unlikely. Chalk this one up in the column of good idea, poor execution.
- Last week’s Raiders-Seahawks game was the lowest-rated MNF game ever, according to published reports. Stunning…….not only was it the worst MNF game ever, but the worst-rated ever. That’s a rare combo to achieve, and for the life of me, I can't figure out why this game was ever scheduled for Monday night. Shouldn’t that be a showcase game for two teams expected to be among the NFL’s best in a given season? The Seahawks, I understand; they nearly won the Super Bowl last year, and no one could have known they would suffer devastating injuries to both their Pro Bowl quarterback and MVP running back. But the Raiders? They not longer have a commitment to excellence; they have a commitment to excrement based on the crap they try to pass off as a football team each Sunday during the season. They were awful last year; they added no free agents of note and one of the worst head coaches ever in terms of actual in-game coaching, yet you want to put them on the NFL’s biggest weekly stage? Huh? Next time you get a bright idea like that, NFL and ESPN, give me a call and I’ll explain why maybe it’s not the best game plan if you want to actually attract viewers to your MNF telecasts.
Friday, November 10, 2006
Cracking the Russians and a new day for the other Evil Empire, the Yankees
- Rarely do I find myself being down with Russia and its government, but a recent development has me asking if maybe I shouldn’t be looking for some real estate in Moscow and a summer home in Siberia. Seems a Russian governmental agency is seriously considering banning the new Borat movie due to content it feels might be offensive to some citizens. First question to ask: why can't the U.S. government do the same thing, because this movie is so blatantly lame and superficially stupid that my IQ takes a hit just reading about it. Among other things, the movie portrays Kazakhstan as a place where people are openly anti-Semitic and view prostitution and drug use as morally acceptable. That’s not even my real beef with the film; the humor is just so sophomoric and pathetic that it makes Adam Sandler movies look smart and sophisticated by comparison. So I salute the Russian government’s stance on this issue, even if I do then have to turn right around and……..
- Bash the same Russian government for “crossing out large sections” of the U.N. proposal for sanctions against Iran for its nuclear activity and programs. Russia wants no mention of the Bushehr plant in the document, although reasons for that aren't totally clear. The U.S. agreed to exempt that plant from any regulations contained in the document, but that wasn’t good enough for the Russkies. Hey Russia, maybe when we’re talking about nuclear weapons development, haggling about semantics in a proposed list of sanctions isn't the best choice. Because if and when Iran does develop a nuclear warhead and fires it at your country, is it really going to matter if that Bushehr plant was specifically named in some U.N. document? Why don’t we just worry about keeping reckless, rogue nations from making and using nuclear weapons and live the wording on proposed sanctions for a later time?
- What’s not to love about early season college basketball? Other than 50 and 60-point blowouts of Division II schools by big-time D-I programs, of course. I love college hoops, probably my favorite sport, but if I have to see one more score along the lines of, say, Texas 125, Northsouthwestern Missouri A&M 51, I’m gonna start to lose a lot of that affection for college basketball, specifically any game played before the middle of December. I know, the big schools don’t want to play other big-name schools in non-conference games; they prefer to pad their win totals against lesser opponents and wait for conference play to begin testing themselves. But is it too much to ask that you play school that can actually stay within forty points of you? Thanks for your help on that.
- Still the best music video I’ve seen in a long time: Here It Goes Again by OK Go. It’s been out for a while, but if I come across it, I have to watch all the way through. Just awesome choreography, the four members of the group performing a series of jumps, dance steps and motions while moving seamlessly across two rows of treadmills lined up beside one another, with each treadmill moving in the opposite direction of the one next to it. That all of it was done in one continuous take makes the feat even more amazing. The absence of CGI effects and gimmickry that plagues most music videos is refreshing, and the fact that OK Go doesn’t seem to take themselves too seriously is great. Contrast that against the overproduced, overly slick feeling of, say, an AFI music video, and you can see why Here It Goes Again goes right to the top of my list of favorite music videos to watch at the moment.
- Back in 2002, the sniper shootings on highways in Virginia and Maryland terrorized the nation. For weeks, authorities scrambles for clues and tried to figure out where the next shooting would occur and who was responsible. Now, both Lee Boyd Malvo and John Allen Muhammad have been tried and sentenced to life in prison in Maryland and Virginia, Malvo’s conviction in Maryland being the most recent, happening earlier this week. His life sentence makes sense, he was 17-years-old when the shootings took place, but Muhammad not getting the death penalty is still befuddling. Dude systematically gunned down innocent people in very premeditated fashion, yet you can't give him the needle? If only these shootings took place in Texas about a decade ago when W was governor there. Had that been the case, both Muhammad and Malvo would’ve had a seat reserved in the electric chair the second the judge’s gavel ended the sentencing phase of their respective trials.
- Baseball saw a shocking development today, as the New York Yankees (brace yourself) traded away a high-priced veteran (Gary Sheffield) for young prospects. This is a deal more reminiscent of, say, one of the 27-28 teams in baseball with payrolls around or below $100 million, those who can't overpay grossly for free agents, then sign new ones when the initial signings don’t work out. Yet here are the Yankees, trading away Sheff, set to make $13 million next season, to Detroit for three young pitching prospects. The comical side of this trade is Sheff pissing and moaning about the Yankees exercising the team option for his contract next year and thinking he deserves more money. He’s pissed about a contract he not only signed, but one that he himself negotiated, eschewing the help of an agent. Then the Yanks pick up the option, while Sheff fears losing playing time to younger, better Bobby Abreu. So the Yankees accommodate Sheff by trading him to Detroit. Who’d have thunk that baseball fans would see the day when the Yankees make a trade that drastically reduces payroll? Adios Sheff, enjoy hitting in the chilly, spacious confines of Comerica Park.
- Bash the same Russian government for “crossing out large sections” of the U.N. proposal for sanctions against Iran for its nuclear activity and programs. Russia wants no mention of the Bushehr plant in the document, although reasons for that aren't totally clear. The U.S. agreed to exempt that plant from any regulations contained in the document, but that wasn’t good enough for the Russkies. Hey Russia, maybe when we’re talking about nuclear weapons development, haggling about semantics in a proposed list of sanctions isn't the best choice. Because if and when Iran does develop a nuclear warhead and fires it at your country, is it really going to matter if that Bushehr plant was specifically named in some U.N. document? Why don’t we just worry about keeping reckless, rogue nations from making and using nuclear weapons and live the wording on proposed sanctions for a later time?
- What’s not to love about early season college basketball? Other than 50 and 60-point blowouts of Division II schools by big-time D-I programs, of course. I love college hoops, probably my favorite sport, but if I have to see one more score along the lines of, say, Texas 125, Northsouthwestern Missouri A&M 51, I’m gonna start to lose a lot of that affection for college basketball, specifically any game played before the middle of December. I know, the big schools don’t want to play other big-name schools in non-conference games; they prefer to pad their win totals against lesser opponents and wait for conference play to begin testing themselves. But is it too much to ask that you play school that can actually stay within forty points of you? Thanks for your help on that.
- Still the best music video I’ve seen in a long time: Here It Goes Again by OK Go. It’s been out for a while, but if I come across it, I have to watch all the way through. Just awesome choreography, the four members of the group performing a series of jumps, dance steps and motions while moving seamlessly across two rows of treadmills lined up beside one another, with each treadmill moving in the opposite direction of the one next to it. That all of it was done in one continuous take makes the feat even more amazing. The absence of CGI effects and gimmickry that plagues most music videos is refreshing, and the fact that OK Go doesn’t seem to take themselves too seriously is great. Contrast that against the overproduced, overly slick feeling of, say, an AFI music video, and you can see why Here It Goes Again goes right to the top of my list of favorite music videos to watch at the moment.
- Back in 2002, the sniper shootings on highways in Virginia and Maryland terrorized the nation. For weeks, authorities scrambles for clues and tried to figure out where the next shooting would occur and who was responsible. Now, both Lee Boyd Malvo and John Allen Muhammad have been tried and sentenced to life in prison in Maryland and Virginia, Malvo’s conviction in Maryland being the most recent, happening earlier this week. His life sentence makes sense, he was 17-years-old when the shootings took place, but Muhammad not getting the death penalty is still befuddling. Dude systematically gunned down innocent people in very premeditated fashion, yet you can't give him the needle? If only these shootings took place in Texas about a decade ago when W was governor there. Had that been the case, both Muhammad and Malvo would’ve had a seat reserved in the electric chair the second the judge’s gavel ended the sentencing phase of their respective trials.
- Baseball saw a shocking development today, as the New York Yankees (brace yourself) traded away a high-priced veteran (Gary Sheffield) for young prospects. This is a deal more reminiscent of, say, one of the 27-28 teams in baseball with payrolls around or below $100 million, those who can't overpay grossly for free agents, then sign new ones when the initial signings don’t work out. Yet here are the Yankees, trading away Sheff, set to make $13 million next season, to Detroit for three young pitching prospects. The comical side of this trade is Sheff pissing and moaning about the Yankees exercising the team option for his contract next year and thinking he deserves more money. He’s pissed about a contract he not only signed, but one that he himself negotiated, eschewing the help of an agent. Then the Yanks pick up the option, while Sheff fears losing playing time to younger, better Bobby Abreu. So the Yankees accommodate Sheff by trading him to Detroit. Who’d have thunk that baseball fans would see the day when the Yankees make a trade that drastically reduces payroll? Adios Sheff, enjoy hitting in the chilly, spacious confines of Comerica Park.
Thursday, November 09, 2006
Delivering pot, Nazi speeches and election madness
- New York was already one of my favorite places on Earth. Now, I have another reason to love the city, thanks to the fact that NY residents can actually order marijuana and have it delivered to their home like it’s Chinese food. A newspaper report detailed one such operation where customers dial in a pager number, then are called back by a “receptionist” shortly thereafter to place their “order”. The reefer is then brought to their door by a delivery guy. Some crucial questions need to be asked about operations like this, which operate on the illegal side of the ledger, namely: if I order some pot and it doesn’t arrive in 30 minutes or less, is it free? Are there menus available, listing size and pricing options? If I order more than two bags of weed, do I get a third free or is a free bong included with my order? I feel like these are things I need to know, because I just don’t always have time to track down my local drug dealer to place an order, so I may need to phone in for my weekly supply of the hippie lettuce from time to time.
- Stupidity reigns in Gastonia, North Carolina. There, two soccer players from a local high school downloaded a portion of a speech by former Nazi leader Joseph Goebbels, then play said speech over the PA system prior to one of their games. I’ve been in my share of press boxes, been the announcer dozens and dozens of times and seen the sound guys in action. I’ve seen firsthand why you must have someone screen anything - music, speeches, announcements - that are going out over the sound system. Athletes, even when told that songs they choose for a warm-up CD can’t contain explicit lyrics, try to include them anyhow, as if they will magically still be played. Yet no adults listened to what these two dunces planned to play over the intercom. I’m gonna go out on a limb as say that speeches by Joe Goebbels aren't the top ranked podcast on iTunes, so these two had to know what it was they had downloaded and planned to play. Maybe next time the school administrators will keep a closer eye on who has access to the PA system.
- We now know what it takes to get through to President Bush: a resounding ass-kicking of his party in an election that determined control of both houses of Congress. Tens of millions of people across America wondering what the frick he was doing with the war in Iraq and why there was no exit strategy just didn’t do it for W. But now that people have voted and booted out Republicans by the bunch, W has fired/asked his Secretary of Defense to resign and is rethinking his strategy for Iraq. What’s truly depressing is that apparently unless there’s an election forthcoming, there is no other way to get through to the President and let him know what a giant tool we think he is.
- At leas there’s something America is still good at in terms of sports. Well, technically the team of Major League Baseball All-Stars that swept a Japanese team on a recent tour of Japan wasn’t an American team, but given our recent ineptitude on the athletic field, I’ll take anything I can get. Yes, some of the MLB players were international, but some were American, such as Phillies’ slugger Ryan Howard, who bashed 4 home runs in 5 games. Not since Godzilla ran amok on the streets of Tokyo has a large, brutishly strong invader terrorized Japanese people so severely. One observation, though; is the weather in Japan so bad that none of the teams there have outdoor stadiums? They’re all domes, and what’s worse, they all have the old style artificial turf, the kind that’s a thin layer of carpet over concrete. Keep the domes if you want, Japan, but we have this great new invention called field turf, it’s synthetic blades of grass with ground-up rubber sprinkled at the base to make it softer and less likely to prematurely end players’ careers due to playing on concrete surfaces.
- The Democrats control Congress!……………….big deal, right? Either that, or when the next elections roll around, Congress will have accomplished just as little as the Republican-led version did. Bills will contain lots of pork, as always, bribes will be taken from lobbyists, important bills will be haggled over and filibustered, legislators from both parties will snipe at one another and b*tch about each other, and in the end, not a lot will get done. It’s one remarkable constant in American politics; it doesn’t much matter who’s in office, you can count on the same shenanigans and tomfoolery year in, year out. Ain’t America grand……….
- Diddy knows music, he knows business and he knows entertainment, but apparently dude doesn’t know about marriage. He’s been with his girlfriend, Kim Porter, for years now, during which about 5,000 Hollywood marriages have started and ended, but despite Porter being close to giving birth to twins, Diddy recently said he’s not ready to get married. Understandable, because after all, why rush into things? He’s still trying to build a career, make a little bit of money, perhaps save up for a starter home for he and his family. Add this to the list of things famous and rich people can get away with that the average person can’t. If the average guy tried to pull this same routine and avoid marriage for this long under the same circumstances, average girlfriend would hold a Machete to his jugular and demand a marriage proposal or else.
- Stupidity reigns in Gastonia, North Carolina. There, two soccer players from a local high school downloaded a portion of a speech by former Nazi leader Joseph Goebbels, then play said speech over the PA system prior to one of their games. I’ve been in my share of press boxes, been the announcer dozens and dozens of times and seen the sound guys in action. I’ve seen firsthand why you must have someone screen anything - music, speeches, announcements - that are going out over the sound system. Athletes, even when told that songs they choose for a warm-up CD can’t contain explicit lyrics, try to include them anyhow, as if they will magically still be played. Yet no adults listened to what these two dunces planned to play over the intercom. I’m gonna go out on a limb as say that speeches by Joe Goebbels aren't the top ranked podcast on iTunes, so these two had to know what it was they had downloaded and planned to play. Maybe next time the school administrators will keep a closer eye on who has access to the PA system.
- We now know what it takes to get through to President Bush: a resounding ass-kicking of his party in an election that determined control of both houses of Congress. Tens of millions of people across America wondering what the frick he was doing with the war in Iraq and why there was no exit strategy just didn’t do it for W. But now that people have voted and booted out Republicans by the bunch, W has fired/asked his Secretary of Defense to resign and is rethinking his strategy for Iraq. What’s truly depressing is that apparently unless there’s an election forthcoming, there is no other way to get through to the President and let him know what a giant tool we think he is.
- At leas there’s something America is still good at in terms of sports. Well, technically the team of Major League Baseball All-Stars that swept a Japanese team on a recent tour of Japan wasn’t an American team, but given our recent ineptitude on the athletic field, I’ll take anything I can get. Yes, some of the MLB players were international, but some were American, such as Phillies’ slugger Ryan Howard, who bashed 4 home runs in 5 games. Not since Godzilla ran amok on the streets of Tokyo has a large, brutishly strong invader terrorized Japanese people so severely. One observation, though; is the weather in Japan so bad that none of the teams there have outdoor stadiums? They’re all domes, and what’s worse, they all have the old style artificial turf, the kind that’s a thin layer of carpet over concrete. Keep the domes if you want, Japan, but we have this great new invention called field turf, it’s synthetic blades of grass with ground-up rubber sprinkled at the base to make it softer and less likely to prematurely end players’ careers due to playing on concrete surfaces.
- The Democrats control Congress!……………….big deal, right? Either that, or when the next elections roll around, Congress will have accomplished just as little as the Republican-led version did. Bills will contain lots of pork, as always, bribes will be taken from lobbyists, important bills will be haggled over and filibustered, legislators from both parties will snipe at one another and b*tch about each other, and in the end, not a lot will get done. It’s one remarkable constant in American politics; it doesn’t much matter who’s in office, you can count on the same shenanigans and tomfoolery year in, year out. Ain’t America grand……….
- Diddy knows music, he knows business and he knows entertainment, but apparently dude doesn’t know about marriage. He’s been with his girlfriend, Kim Porter, for years now, during which about 5,000 Hollywood marriages have started and ended, but despite Porter being close to giving birth to twins, Diddy recently said he’s not ready to get married. Understandable, because after all, why rush into things? He’s still trying to build a career, make a little bit of money, perhaps save up for a starter home for he and his family. Add this to the list of things famous and rich people can get away with that the average person can’t. If the average guy tried to pull this same routine and avoid marriage for this long under the same circumstances, average girlfriend would hold a Machete to his jugular and demand a marriage proposal or else.
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Thugs, gambling, smoking and Rummy
- Two things Ohioans have decided they don’t like: gambling and smoking. Both of which are fine by me, and both of which appear to have garnered nearly 60 percent of the vote in initiatives on the ballot this past Tuesday. Safe to say that when Phillip Morris supports a ballot issue related to smoking, you want to vote that one down, which Ohio voters did, while passing a tougher anti-smoking law that bans smoking in all public places. That, in tandem with a measure shooting down the idea of allowing slot machines in racetracks and a couple locations in downtown Cleveland, is a very good thing. More crime via gambling, more gambling addicts and an increased chance of lung cancer are just things I can do without in my life.
- Donald Rumsfeld has resigned as Secretary of Defense, God only knows why. Yes, he did head a disastrous invasion of a country we had no business invading to begin with. True, he is in charge of this war effort that has no clear plan or direction, and no withdrawal strategy for U.S. troops. No, he has not come close to finding Osama bin Laden, and no, most Americans don’t feel any safer than they did a couple years ago. So if you want to jump to conclusions and say that just because of the above stated facts that Rummy had to go, then fine. It’s as if people want a sensical, intelligent and competent individual in charge of our nation’s national security efforts. The demanding standards of America never cease to amaze……
- Kevin Federline’s trek down the “White Trash” career path just got another boost. His recent venture into the W.T. Mecca of pro wrestling makes more sense now that we know Britney has filed for divorce from the wannabe wrapper and biggest proponent of wife beaters outside of Ben McKenzie’s character on The O.C. So now Federline is divorced, an aspiring pro wrassler, a wearer of beaters and apparently a stranger to both soap and shampoo and without a place to live. This could go one of two ways for him: he can admit he’s a no talent hack, move to some country bumpkin town and embrace his inner redneck, or he can persist at trying to pretend that he’s an actual celebrity and musician and follow in the footsteps of kindred spirit Vanilla Ice. I’m hoping for the former, if only because we have the chance to maybe see Ice and Federline team up in the Surreal Life: Season 11 and then go on a North American tour whose total attendance may or may not reach triple digits. Wahoo.
- The Dick Cheney hunting trip saga has taken on a new twist. One day with no humans shot for the Dickster, but the troubling news is that his daughter is on the trip with him. Either he has a funny way of showing those close to him that he cares about them, or his daughter has really done something to piss off her old man. I don’t know if they make a full line of Kevlar headgear or just the helmets that soldiers wear, but Cheney’s daughter had better have a bulletproof vest, pants, helmet and face shield before she even considers setting foot into the woods with the VP.
- Last week, news of a runway collision between two Continental jets at Newark’s airport provided disturbing evidence that some of our nation’s pilots are as competent behind the wheel as a 16-year-old girl trying to talk on her cell phone, change the radio station and apply some lipstick while steering with her knees. Yet this warning signal wasn’t enough to get the attention of two United pilots who likewise collided on the runway at Chicago’s O’Hare International Airport. Why don’t we look into widening the runways, making all of the planes bright, fluorescent orange, whatever it takes, just as long as planes stop running into each other. At this rate, terrorists will have no need to try anything while the planes are in the air, they can just wait for the demolition derby that is American airports’ runways to run its course.
- Allegations of good ol’ fashioned voter fraud are popping up, directed at the Republican Party. Voters in Virginia and New Mexico claim they received phone calls either threatening them or directing them to incorrect polling locations. These voters, at least the ones in Virginia, largely said they were planning to vote for Democratic candidates. Republicans in those states deny the claims, but why would it not surprise me if it were true? This isn't specific to Republicans either; I wouldn’t be surprised if it were Democrats, Green Party members, etc. Lying is so inherent in politics that it’s a way of life.
- University of Kansas basketball player C.J. Giles has been booted from the team and the university after being arrested on charges of hitting a woman and dragging her from his apartment by the legs. This is one of those rare instances where a university and athletic team don’t have much of an option. Smoke weed, get into a bar fight, get into a brawl on the field, cheat in class, any of these things probably won't get you kicked off the team. But when you start assaulting women and dragging them from your apartment, you’ve crossed the line. I almost feel like there needs to be a class for college athletes and a refresher course for those entering the professional ranks about why it’s not alright to assault women. Thugs like the NFL’s “Pacman” Jones and Giles really are just the most recent examples of what a big problem this is. The course could cover basic stuff, like not dragging women from your apartment, spitting on them, throwing them to the ground, as well as more advanced topics like not forcing them into any sort of sexual acts when they say no. Sadly, it appears that for too man athletes, basic societal tenets like this aren't things they’ve ever been taught.
- Donald Rumsfeld has resigned as Secretary of Defense, God only knows why. Yes, he did head a disastrous invasion of a country we had no business invading to begin with. True, he is in charge of this war effort that has no clear plan or direction, and no withdrawal strategy for U.S. troops. No, he has not come close to finding Osama bin Laden, and no, most Americans don’t feel any safer than they did a couple years ago. So if you want to jump to conclusions and say that just because of the above stated facts that Rummy had to go, then fine. It’s as if people want a sensical, intelligent and competent individual in charge of our nation’s national security efforts. The demanding standards of America never cease to amaze……
- Kevin Federline’s trek down the “White Trash” career path just got another boost. His recent venture into the W.T. Mecca of pro wrestling makes more sense now that we know Britney has filed for divorce from the wannabe wrapper and biggest proponent of wife beaters outside of Ben McKenzie’s character on The O.C. So now Federline is divorced, an aspiring pro wrassler, a wearer of beaters and apparently a stranger to both soap and shampoo and without a place to live. This could go one of two ways for him: he can admit he’s a no talent hack, move to some country bumpkin town and embrace his inner redneck, or he can persist at trying to pretend that he’s an actual celebrity and musician and follow in the footsteps of kindred spirit Vanilla Ice. I’m hoping for the former, if only because we have the chance to maybe see Ice and Federline team up in the Surreal Life: Season 11 and then go on a North American tour whose total attendance may or may not reach triple digits. Wahoo.
- The Dick Cheney hunting trip saga has taken on a new twist. One day with no humans shot for the Dickster, but the troubling news is that his daughter is on the trip with him. Either he has a funny way of showing those close to him that he cares about them, or his daughter has really done something to piss off her old man. I don’t know if they make a full line of Kevlar headgear or just the helmets that soldiers wear, but Cheney’s daughter had better have a bulletproof vest, pants, helmet and face shield before she even considers setting foot into the woods with the VP.
- Last week, news of a runway collision between two Continental jets at Newark’s airport provided disturbing evidence that some of our nation’s pilots are as competent behind the wheel as a 16-year-old girl trying to talk on her cell phone, change the radio station and apply some lipstick while steering with her knees. Yet this warning signal wasn’t enough to get the attention of two United pilots who likewise collided on the runway at Chicago’s O’Hare International Airport. Why don’t we look into widening the runways, making all of the planes bright, fluorescent orange, whatever it takes, just as long as planes stop running into each other. At this rate, terrorists will have no need to try anything while the planes are in the air, they can just wait for the demolition derby that is American airports’ runways to run its course.
- Allegations of good ol’ fashioned voter fraud are popping up, directed at the Republican Party. Voters in Virginia and New Mexico claim they received phone calls either threatening them or directing them to incorrect polling locations. These voters, at least the ones in Virginia, largely said they were planning to vote for Democratic candidates. Republicans in those states deny the claims, but why would it not surprise me if it were true? This isn't specific to Republicans either; I wouldn’t be surprised if it were Democrats, Green Party members, etc. Lying is so inherent in politics that it’s a way of life.
- University of Kansas basketball player C.J. Giles has been booted from the team and the university after being arrested on charges of hitting a woman and dragging her from his apartment by the legs. This is one of those rare instances where a university and athletic team don’t have much of an option. Smoke weed, get into a bar fight, get into a brawl on the field, cheat in class, any of these things probably won't get you kicked off the team. But when you start assaulting women and dragging them from your apartment, you’ve crossed the line. I almost feel like there needs to be a class for college athletes and a refresher course for those entering the professional ranks about why it’s not alright to assault women. Thugs like the NFL’s “Pacman” Jones and Giles really are just the most recent examples of what a big problem this is. The course could cover basic stuff, like not dragging women from your apartment, spitting on them, throwing them to the ground, as well as more advanced topics like not forcing them into any sort of sexual acts when they say no. Sadly, it appears that for too man athletes, basic societal tenets like this aren't things they’ve ever been taught.
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
The life of a social misfit.....
- Remind me again why shows that have been on the air for one season are out on DVD before season two is even underway, yet the arguably best sitcom of all time, Seinfeld, is just now coming out with its sixth season on DVD. Yeah, the technology for DVDs didn’t exist in the early 90s when Jerry, George, Elaine and Kramer were on the air, and shows now plan in advance for DVD, shooting making of segments, commentaries, etc. But Seinfeld went off the air in the mid-1990s, and it’s taken this long and b*tching from legions of fans to get it out on DVD. Yet season one of Everybody Hates Chris is out in less time than it takes me to change my socks?
- A small social experiment/challenge for you, try if you dare………it never ceases to amaze me how something small, temporary and insignificant can piss off so many people or throw them off their game. Example #1 - Putting a few red highlights in your hair. Something very, very temporary, doesn’t affect anyone, doesn’t injure them, deprive them of money or their right to pursue life, liberty and happiness, yet it really irritates quite a few people. They’ll come up to you (or behind your back to those close to you) and ask why you did it, what the deal is, yet you could be undergoing a major crisis in your life and because it’s not physically visible like a change in hair color, they don’t care. So try something, anything, that makes a minor alteration to your appearance and take note of how many people notice. Then ask how many of these people have paid any attention to you otherwise lately and how much of an interest they take in how your life is actually going. I am willing to bet that the number of people that do the latter will be significantly fewer than those who do the former. Makes you wonder what all the fuss is really about.
- The University of Miami football program may have had it right after all. The Hurri-thugs, if you recall, had a massive brawl during a game last month against Florida International. This isn't to condone violence; it’s just that when you juxtapose that against what happened over the weekend with some University of Tennessee football players, the Miami gangstas don’t look quite as dumb. At least they were fighting against
the other team, whereas the Tennessee players were fighting against each other. These tools went out after they lost a big game to LSU and threw down with one another. Players Antonio Wardlow and David Holbert went at it, with teammate Arian Foster stepping in to act as a peacemaker. Fellas, I know losing sucks and you were pissed about dropping a game that killed your national title hopes, but going Fight Club on each other isn't going to solve anything. In fact, it got Wardlow suspended for two games, Holbert for one game and Foster for half of a game.
- Who else is very, very tired of Kirstie Alley? The former Cheers star, who in recent years: got obscenely fat, wrote a TV show called Fat Actress that stunningly no one wanted to see, realized that being grossly obese wasn’t appealing to anyone, lost much of the weight she’d gained and became a shameless shill for Weight Watchers, appeared on Oprah last week to “show off” what she’d accomplished. Thankfully I didn’t watch this charade with my own eyes, but Alley supposedly fulfilled a promise to Oprah to appear in a maroon bikini once she was no longer fat. As much as the sight of an average-looking 55-year-old woman in a swimsuit is, I think I’ll pass on seeing it. Great, you’re not fat anymore, kudos to you. That’ll be great for your health, above all else. But do us all a favor and keep your clothes on. No, you’re not going to inspire anyone to follow your example. Only someone that has internal motivation to lose weight and get in shape will do so, not anyone that sees a once thin, then fat, then less fat actress on TV.
- Australia might be lifting its ban on cloning. Super idea, because what would be bad about having a few extra copies of Russell Crowe or Nicole Kidman around? That way, when the original Crowe is unavailable for a movie because he’s in jail for assaulting a hotel concierge or is too hammered to make it to the set, just bring in one of his clones to fill the role. Opponents of lifting the ban fear it could lead to creation of human-animal hybrids. I don’t know, who doesn’t wanna see a real-life Minataur? Not a fan of cloning myself, really, but I don’t think the animal-human hybrid possibility is all that likely.
- A small social experiment/challenge for you, try if you dare………it never ceases to amaze me how something small, temporary and insignificant can piss off so many people or throw them off their game. Example #1 - Putting a few red highlights in your hair. Something very, very temporary, doesn’t affect anyone, doesn’t injure them, deprive them of money or their right to pursue life, liberty and happiness, yet it really irritates quite a few people. They’ll come up to you (or behind your back to those close to you) and ask why you did it, what the deal is, yet you could be undergoing a major crisis in your life and because it’s not physically visible like a change in hair color, they don’t care. So try something, anything, that makes a minor alteration to your appearance and take note of how many people notice. Then ask how many of these people have paid any attention to you otherwise lately and how much of an interest they take in how your life is actually going. I am willing to bet that the number of people that do the latter will be significantly fewer than those who do the former. Makes you wonder what all the fuss is really about.
- The University of Miami football program may have had it right after all. The Hurri-thugs, if you recall, had a massive brawl during a game last month against Florida International. This isn't to condone violence; it’s just that when you juxtapose that against what happened over the weekend with some University of Tennessee football players, the Miami gangstas don’t look quite as dumb. At least they were fighting against
the other team, whereas the Tennessee players were fighting against each other. These tools went out after they lost a big game to LSU and threw down with one another. Players Antonio Wardlow and David Holbert went at it, with teammate Arian Foster stepping in to act as a peacemaker. Fellas, I know losing sucks and you were pissed about dropping a game that killed your national title hopes, but going Fight Club on each other isn't going to solve anything. In fact, it got Wardlow suspended for two games, Holbert for one game and Foster for half of a game.
- Who else is very, very tired of Kirstie Alley? The former Cheers star, who in recent years: got obscenely fat, wrote a TV show called Fat Actress that stunningly no one wanted to see, realized that being grossly obese wasn’t appealing to anyone, lost much of the weight she’d gained and became a shameless shill for Weight Watchers, appeared on Oprah last week to “show off” what she’d accomplished. Thankfully I didn’t watch this charade with my own eyes, but Alley supposedly fulfilled a promise to Oprah to appear in a maroon bikini once she was no longer fat. As much as the sight of an average-looking 55-year-old woman in a swimsuit is, I think I’ll pass on seeing it. Great, you’re not fat anymore, kudos to you. That’ll be great for your health, above all else. But do us all a favor and keep your clothes on. No, you’re not going to inspire anyone to follow your example. Only someone that has internal motivation to lose weight and get in shape will do so, not anyone that sees a once thin, then fat, then less fat actress on TV.
- Australia might be lifting its ban on cloning. Super idea, because what would be bad about having a few extra copies of Russell Crowe or Nicole Kidman around? That way, when the original Crowe is unavailable for a movie because he’s in jail for assaulting a hotel concierge or is too hammered to make it to the set, just bring in one of his clones to fill the role. Opponents of lifting the ban fear it could lead to creation of human-animal hybrids. I don’t know, who doesn’t wanna see a real-life Minataur? Not a fan of cloning myself, really, but I don’t think the animal-human hybrid possibility is all that likely.
Sunday, November 05, 2006
All over the map
- Nasty incident involving Penn State football coach Joe Paterno in Saturday’s Wisconsin-PSU game. If you haven't seen the highlight, a collision between a Penn State players and a Wisconsin player spilled onto the sideline and took out Joe Pa. The nearly 80-year-old coach suffered an injury to his left knee and was bleeding as they carted him off the field. Obviously, best wishes to Joe Pa for a full and speedy recovery, but in one sense, it is a good thing. See, Paterno is so old and has looked exactly the same for as long as I can remember, so I’ve always had a sneaking suspicion that some PSU football staffers may be pulling a Weekend at Bernie’s with the old man - y’know, propping him up, moving his limbs, making it look like he’s alive when he’s actually been lifeless for awhile now. But the fact that he was bleeding confirms that he is still alive, so question answered.
- Can’t say exactly where I’ll be tomorrow and while I can’t tell everyone in the world where they should go, I would advise one and all to avoid Pierre, S.D. for the next few days. Why, you ask? In three simple words: Dick Cheney hunting. I think we all remember the Vice President’s last hunting excursion, the one in which be blasted a friend in the face with a shot from his gun. Generally speaking, older people don’t tend to become more physically capable and stable as they age, so odds are that the ol’ Dickster isn't going to be any better with a gun this time around. If anything, he’ll be less stable and even more unsafe. Couple that with the fact that his Republican party could suffer some bad losses on Election Day and you have a Molotov cocktail of danger. Erratic, elderly, pacemaker-wearing VP who may get some bad news about his political future who shot a friend last time out in the woods and a hunting rifle………if he’ll shoot someone he actually likes (accidentally, sure, sure), I personally would not risk being anywhere near him in the coming days.
- It will be interesting to see the results of this weekend’s Nicaraguan elections, where a former Sandinista leader is testing the concept of “be a heinous despot, then disappear for about 16 years and resurface to see if people have forgotten all the crap you did and will thus re-elect you.” The despot in question would be Daniel Ortega, the former Nicaraguan leader that the U.S. (hey, we’ve been doing this whole butting into other countries’ governing and sticking our nose where it doesn’t belong for a while now, eh? Cool.) helped to oust back in 1990. Surprisingly (or maybe not, given the fact that most people have incredibly short memories), Ortega is the odds-on favorite to win the election. People paddled canoes down remote, dangerous rivers, hiked through the jungles and sweated it out under the hot sun to vote, presumably many of them for Ortega. He did lead the country through a time period that left it in economic ruins and into a mini-war against U.S. backed Contra forces, as well as failing in bids for re-election in 1996 and 2001, but what the hell, maybe he’s all of the sudden a good guy and deserving of another chance……….good job, Nicaraguans, you should be very proud. You’re about to re-elect a man that crackpot Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez considers “a brother.” A very, very proud day in your country’s history, to be sure.
- Barry Bonds is the best. By “the best”, of course, I mean the biggest a-hole in baseball history and somebody that 11/10ths of those in MLB would like to punch in the face. Leading the pack to land the first punch would be his soon-to-be-former teammates in San Francisco, based on some recent revelations about Barr-oid’s behavior this past season. Seems our roided-up pal, in a game where the rival L.A. Dodgers clinched the pennant on the Giants’ home field, took off his uniform during the game and made himself unavailable to pinch hit in a key ninth inning situation. A rookie teammate had to pinch hit instead and grounded into a game-ending double play, giving the Dodgers the win and the division title. Think it might have helped the team to have one of the game’s all-time best sluggers bat in that situation? Additionally, in another game where Bonds deigned to pinch hit and give the team the benefit of his greatness, he then refused to remain in the game to play left field. Manager Felipe Alou had to insert teammate Pedro Feliz in left field, a spot Feliz hadn’t played all season. Thanks for the help, Barry, glad to see you have your teammates’ backs as they fight to win games during the long MLB season.
- The top three movies at the box office over the weekend? Borat, The Santa Clause 3 and Flushed Away. I am now officially going to go whack myself in the head with a giant rubber mallet until I am able to forget that this ever happened. C’mon, people, I realize that the average American moviegoer has the same cinematic sensibility as a lima bean, but have we really sunk this low? A hack-job of a movie about some loser from a former Soviet-bloc country coming to America, a sequel to a not-so-funny holiday movie series and an animated kids’ movie as the top three in the country? We need to lock Spielberg, Lucas, Soderbergh, Coppola and Bruckheimer in a bunker for the next two years under orders to produce as many new scripts and movie ideas as possible so we can run the rest of the crap off of the screen and have to actual quality pictures on the screens of our nation’s cineplexes.
- Good luck with the appeal of your conviction and death sentence, Saddam. Of course, I don’t believe in luck, so maybe you’ll need something else, something on an apocalyptic level, because there’s no way this guy won't be executed. Well, unless he commits suicide before then so he can give everyone the finger one last time. But his crimes are pretty well documented, and I don’t foresee any debate in Iraq as to whether the death penalty violates a person’s civil rights, etc. Even though the current president in Iraq doesn’t believe in the death penalty, he has previously deputized one of his VP’s to sign an execution order on his behalf, and he could do that again here. Watching Saddam in court is akin to watching a little kid throwing a tantrum. They stomp around, throw things, yell, pound on the floor, yet you know that nothing they do is actually going to do any good. Saddam would’ve been better off to pull a “Dr. Evil at the World Court” and just moon everybody in the courtroom, because either way, dude was going down. Not that I want to see it when he’s hanged, I’ll just take everyone’s word for it. A gruesome hanging just isn't pleasant, no matter how heinous the person being executed.
- Monday nights feature some great shows, foremost among them two series, Heroes and Prison Break, that share a unique yet common thread in my mind. Both of them are set up with premises that make you wonder how they can possibly survive in the long term, and many times during an episode, you feel like they’ve painted themselves into a corner that they can't get out of. But both shows continually find ways to branch off into new directions and keep you on the edge of your seat. And while you realize that they probably aren't built for long, Seinfeld-ian runs on the air (then again, how many shows are gonna go nine season on-air from this point on?), both Heroes and Prison Break are good enough to make you suspend that realization and flat-out enjoy every minute.
- On the Saddam front one last time…….great rhetoric from President Bush after Hussein’s conviction and sentencing. “(The verdict) is a milestone in the Iraqi people’s efforts to replace the rule of a tyrant with the rule of law.” You mean your efforts to replace a man you didn’t want in office and who was a threat to your beloved oil supply in the Middle East? I don’t seem to remember any Iraqi people saying, “Hey, United States, we wish to replace the rule of our tyrant leader with a rule of law, can you help us out?” So Mr. President, stop congratulating the Iraqi people on something you forced on them and are still trying to shove down their collective throat at this very moment. Call it what it is, a misguided, underhanded attempt to further your own interests.
- Evander Holyfield needs your help. Yes, you. Currently, ads are running on TV for Holyfield’s next pay-per-view match, touting it as, “The Next Step.” Correct, but not in the way Holyfield and his promoter intend. See, it is the next step, but not the next step in his quest to get back to the top of the boxing world and once again become a champion. No, it is instead the next step in his road to being an invalid, because he’s been on that road for a while now. He’s taken so many blows to the head and declined so noticeably in recent years in terms of speech and mental acuity that I seriously fear that the next shot he takes in the ring is going to turn him into a vegetable, or worse, kill him. Evander, I say this for your own good: I know the competitive fire is strong, and that you have long derived your identity from being a tough guy, a boxer who won't back down. But this time, quit. Back away from a fight you can't win. This fight isn't against a physical opponent, but rather against your untimely incapacitation and demise. You can't reverse the brain damage you’ve already suffered and all the things you’ve lost up to this point by having your skull bashed in, but you can prevent further damage. So I advise everyone out there to write, email, call or talk to Evander in person and implore him to stop while he is still upright and able to form a complete sentence every now and then.
- Can’t say exactly where I’ll be tomorrow and while I can’t tell everyone in the world where they should go, I would advise one and all to avoid Pierre, S.D. for the next few days. Why, you ask? In three simple words: Dick Cheney hunting. I think we all remember the Vice President’s last hunting excursion, the one in which be blasted a friend in the face with a shot from his gun. Generally speaking, older people don’t tend to become more physically capable and stable as they age, so odds are that the ol’ Dickster isn't going to be any better with a gun this time around. If anything, he’ll be less stable and even more unsafe. Couple that with the fact that his Republican party could suffer some bad losses on Election Day and you have a Molotov cocktail of danger. Erratic, elderly, pacemaker-wearing VP who may get some bad news about his political future who shot a friend last time out in the woods and a hunting rifle………if he’ll shoot someone he actually likes (accidentally, sure, sure), I personally would not risk being anywhere near him in the coming days.
- It will be interesting to see the results of this weekend’s Nicaraguan elections, where a former Sandinista leader is testing the concept of “be a heinous despot, then disappear for about 16 years and resurface to see if people have forgotten all the crap you did and will thus re-elect you.” The despot in question would be Daniel Ortega, the former Nicaraguan leader that the U.S. (hey, we’ve been doing this whole butting into other countries’ governing and sticking our nose where it doesn’t belong for a while now, eh? Cool.) helped to oust back in 1990. Surprisingly (or maybe not, given the fact that most people have incredibly short memories), Ortega is the odds-on favorite to win the election. People paddled canoes down remote, dangerous rivers, hiked through the jungles and sweated it out under the hot sun to vote, presumably many of them for Ortega. He did lead the country through a time period that left it in economic ruins and into a mini-war against U.S. backed Contra forces, as well as failing in bids for re-election in 1996 and 2001, but what the hell, maybe he’s all of the sudden a good guy and deserving of another chance……….good job, Nicaraguans, you should be very proud. You’re about to re-elect a man that crackpot Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez considers “a brother.” A very, very proud day in your country’s history, to be sure.
- Barry Bonds is the best. By “the best”, of course, I mean the biggest a-hole in baseball history and somebody that 11/10ths of those in MLB would like to punch in the face. Leading the pack to land the first punch would be his soon-to-be-former teammates in San Francisco, based on some recent revelations about Barr-oid’s behavior this past season. Seems our roided-up pal, in a game where the rival L.A. Dodgers clinched the pennant on the Giants’ home field, took off his uniform during the game and made himself unavailable to pinch hit in a key ninth inning situation. A rookie teammate had to pinch hit instead and grounded into a game-ending double play, giving the Dodgers the win and the division title. Think it might have helped the team to have one of the game’s all-time best sluggers bat in that situation? Additionally, in another game where Bonds deigned to pinch hit and give the team the benefit of his greatness, he then refused to remain in the game to play left field. Manager Felipe Alou had to insert teammate Pedro Feliz in left field, a spot Feliz hadn’t played all season. Thanks for the help, Barry, glad to see you have your teammates’ backs as they fight to win games during the long MLB season.
- The top three movies at the box office over the weekend? Borat, The Santa Clause 3 and Flushed Away. I am now officially going to go whack myself in the head with a giant rubber mallet until I am able to forget that this ever happened. C’mon, people, I realize that the average American moviegoer has the same cinematic sensibility as a lima bean, but have we really sunk this low? A hack-job of a movie about some loser from a former Soviet-bloc country coming to America, a sequel to a not-so-funny holiday movie series and an animated kids’ movie as the top three in the country? We need to lock Spielberg, Lucas, Soderbergh, Coppola and Bruckheimer in a bunker for the next two years under orders to produce as many new scripts and movie ideas as possible so we can run the rest of the crap off of the screen and have to actual quality pictures on the screens of our nation’s cineplexes.
- Good luck with the appeal of your conviction and death sentence, Saddam. Of course, I don’t believe in luck, so maybe you’ll need something else, something on an apocalyptic level, because there’s no way this guy won't be executed. Well, unless he commits suicide before then so he can give everyone the finger one last time. But his crimes are pretty well documented, and I don’t foresee any debate in Iraq as to whether the death penalty violates a person’s civil rights, etc. Even though the current president in Iraq doesn’t believe in the death penalty, he has previously deputized one of his VP’s to sign an execution order on his behalf, and he could do that again here. Watching Saddam in court is akin to watching a little kid throwing a tantrum. They stomp around, throw things, yell, pound on the floor, yet you know that nothing they do is actually going to do any good. Saddam would’ve been better off to pull a “Dr. Evil at the World Court” and just moon everybody in the courtroom, because either way, dude was going down. Not that I want to see it when he’s hanged, I’ll just take everyone’s word for it. A gruesome hanging just isn't pleasant, no matter how heinous the person being executed.
- Monday nights feature some great shows, foremost among them two series, Heroes and Prison Break, that share a unique yet common thread in my mind. Both of them are set up with premises that make you wonder how they can possibly survive in the long term, and many times during an episode, you feel like they’ve painted themselves into a corner that they can't get out of. But both shows continually find ways to branch off into new directions and keep you on the edge of your seat. And while you realize that they probably aren't built for long, Seinfeld-ian runs on the air (then again, how many shows are gonna go nine season on-air from this point on?), both Heroes and Prison Break are good enough to make you suspend that realization and flat-out enjoy every minute.
- On the Saddam front one last time…….great rhetoric from President Bush after Hussein’s conviction and sentencing. “(The verdict) is a milestone in the Iraqi people’s efforts to replace the rule of a tyrant with the rule of law.” You mean your efforts to replace a man you didn’t want in office and who was a threat to your beloved oil supply in the Middle East? I don’t seem to remember any Iraqi people saying, “Hey, United States, we wish to replace the rule of our tyrant leader with a rule of law, can you help us out?” So Mr. President, stop congratulating the Iraqi people on something you forced on them and are still trying to shove down their collective throat at this very moment. Call it what it is, a misguided, underhanded attempt to further your own interests.
- Evander Holyfield needs your help. Yes, you. Currently, ads are running on TV for Holyfield’s next pay-per-view match, touting it as, “The Next Step.” Correct, but not in the way Holyfield and his promoter intend. See, it is the next step, but not the next step in his quest to get back to the top of the boxing world and once again become a champion. No, it is instead the next step in his road to being an invalid, because he’s been on that road for a while now. He’s taken so many blows to the head and declined so noticeably in recent years in terms of speech and mental acuity that I seriously fear that the next shot he takes in the ring is going to turn him into a vegetable, or worse, kill him. Evander, I say this for your own good: I know the competitive fire is strong, and that you have long derived your identity from being a tough guy, a boxer who won't back down. But this time, quit. Back away from a fight you can't win. This fight isn't against a physical opponent, but rather against your untimely incapacitation and demise. You can't reverse the brain damage you’ve already suffered and all the things you’ve lost up to this point by having your skull bashed in, but you can prevent further damage. So I advise everyone out there to write, email, call or talk to Evander in person and implore him to stop while he is still upright and able to form a complete sentence every now and then.
Friday, November 03, 2006
Hoops, doomed sea life and R.E.M.
- LeBron James may or may not go down as the greatest player even in professional basketball, but what is truly remarkable to witness (sorry for the pun) right now is how differently the Cavaliers are perceived as a franchise right now, especially by people in Northeast Ohio. To hear people talking about having a group of friends over to watch a midweek regular season game is amazing, considering where the Cavs were just five or six years ago. Cavs games are must-see TV, and even people who aren't diehard hoop heads are interested in what LeBron and his team are doing. I can still remember a playoff game in the early 90s when TV commentator Mike Fratello (who would later coach the Cavs) saw a shot of the area outside of the Richfield Coliseum that showed sheep grazing in a field very near the arena and he openly mused, “Where the heck are we?” Now, the Cavs are in a very modern arena in downtown Cleveland, people follow their every move and make sure they are in front of the TV for nearly every game. All because of one player: Bron.
- Bob Barker is retiring, which you have probably heard. A lot of people are sad and hailing it as a great loss for television. Instead, “I’m asking: what the hell is the big deal?” Seriously, can we not find someone else to read the price of dish soap, watch the “Plink-O” chips slide down the board, sexually harass the models/assistants for the host (allegedly) and remind us to spay and neuter our pets? And yes, I did say sexually harass the assistants, because if you remember, Barker was accused of that by one of the women who used to work on the show. It was all swept under the rug fairly quickly, but the point is that I just don’t get the fascination with someone who was competent at doing what had to be one of the easier and more enjoyable jobs in television, a man whose sidekick/announcer on the show wore sparkly sequined vests. Enjoy retirement Bob, I’m sure it will be a major, major ordeal trying to find a replacement…….
- Working in and around college athletics for some time, you pick up some interesting tidbits and perceptions, the funniest of which, at least to me right now, revolves around the music that players pick for warm-up CDs. That a lot of the song selections suck isn't the big surprise; what is funny is that so many of the songs are rap and hip hop, yet those choosing them are often white chicks from upper class suburban neighborhoods who couldn’t be any whither if they bathed in bleach every night. Let me get this straight: you grew up in a neighborhood where the average house costs $200,000, you went to a private school and yet you’re gangsta enough to rock out to Young Joc, T.I., Eminem and Mystikal? Riiiiiiiiiiiggggghhhht. Not saying you have to pick Britney and Christina (God, I hope you don’t), but you’re not hard, you’re not ghetto, so don’t pick music to try and make us think you are.
- I wrote a few days ago about the announcement that R.E.M. was going to be one of this year’s inductees into the Rock n’ Roll Hall of Fame. Going back and listening to The Best of R.E.M.: In time 1988-2003, I couldn’t help but be struck by how many of these songs are truly entrenched in pop culture and still appear in commercials, TV shows, etc. It’s not on the level of the Beatles or Stones, whose music is still overpoweringly relevant thirty or forty years after its release, but it’s still significant. Everybody Hurts is still an anthem for tough times, to the point that Michael Stipe declares in the liner notes that the song no longer belongs to the band but to all who have derived solace from it during their own life struggles. Man on the Moon is definitely a quintessential R.E.M. song, and it was used in the Andy Kaufmann movie that Jim Carey did a couple years ago. Stipe’s distinctive voice still grips you any time you hear it, and you know instantaneously who you’re listening to. What’s the Frequency, Kenneth? is another song you can't help but listen to. R.E.M. may not rock out so hard your ears bleed, and often times they may follow a similarly melodic path as the somber Radiohead, but when people think about music in the 80s and 90s, R.E.M. has to be one of the first bands mentioned.
- Tennessee Titans cornerback Adam “Pacman” Jones has been suspended by the team for this Sunday’s game after an incident where he spit on a woman in a night club. While spitting on a woman is about the least among many despicable ways to assault a woman, it’s still a troubling sign that this overpaid, over-hyped, under-performing Neanderthal just doesn’t get it. He’s been in fights with teammates, said idiotic things and been a general nuisance to his team and society in general ever since he was drafted, but despite suspensions, fines, warnings, etc., this tool refuses to stop acting like he’s auditioning for a slot on the new reality series, “Who Wants to be the World’s Biggest A-hole?” We’re not asking that much, Pacman, just don’t assault women or teammates, don’t get arrested, play football and enjoy being a millionaire without ending up on the police blotter. Think you can do that, paco?
- Quick hit thoughts on the season premiere of The O.C. without rehashing it all. Definitely a different feel in the first episode, new characters, new vibe, some things worked, some didn’t. It was way too corny that a simple slide show presentation of comic book panels detailing Ryan’s history with the Cohen’s won him over and made him move back home. Chris Pratt was hilarious as a Rastafarian hippie-type guy, yet another reminder of what a disgrace it is that Everwood was cancelled. Overall, it looks like people who felt that losing Mischa Barton would sink the show were wrong, this season seems like it will have a chance to be just as good as the previous three.
- Get your seafood while you can - assuming you like seafood. I personally don’t care for slimy things with scales and gills that come from the water, but if you do like such things, then a report from a group of ecologists and economists in Halifax, Nova Scotia (what, no entomologists or environmentalists) claims that due to pollution and over-fishing, the supply of nearly all seafood creatures could collapse by 2048. This, of course, portends disaster for the Gorton’s fisherman, the Star-Kist tuna and Mrs. Paul, who will have to find ways to creative some sort of artificial fish stick substitute. What’s not great about a prophecy of doom, like the melting of the polar ice caps, the death of seafood, et al? No surer way to get people’s attention than a doomsday proclamation. But maybe humans aren't the best people to share this discovery with, the seafood creatures themselves might want to know this sort of thing, so get on that one, team of ecologists and economists in Nova Scotia.
- Bob Barker is retiring, which you have probably heard. A lot of people are sad and hailing it as a great loss for television. Instead, “I’m asking: what the hell is the big deal?” Seriously, can we not find someone else to read the price of dish soap, watch the “Plink-O” chips slide down the board, sexually harass the models/assistants for the host (allegedly) and remind us to spay and neuter our pets? And yes, I did say sexually harass the assistants, because if you remember, Barker was accused of that by one of the women who used to work on the show. It was all swept under the rug fairly quickly, but the point is that I just don’t get the fascination with someone who was competent at doing what had to be one of the easier and more enjoyable jobs in television, a man whose sidekick/announcer on the show wore sparkly sequined vests. Enjoy retirement Bob, I’m sure it will be a major, major ordeal trying to find a replacement…….
- Working in and around college athletics for some time, you pick up some interesting tidbits and perceptions, the funniest of which, at least to me right now, revolves around the music that players pick for warm-up CDs. That a lot of the song selections suck isn't the big surprise; what is funny is that so many of the songs are rap and hip hop, yet those choosing them are often white chicks from upper class suburban neighborhoods who couldn’t be any whither if they bathed in bleach every night. Let me get this straight: you grew up in a neighborhood where the average house costs $200,000, you went to a private school and yet you’re gangsta enough to rock out to Young Joc, T.I., Eminem and Mystikal? Riiiiiiiiiiiggggghhhht. Not saying you have to pick Britney and Christina (God, I hope you don’t), but you’re not hard, you’re not ghetto, so don’t pick music to try and make us think you are.
- I wrote a few days ago about the announcement that R.E.M. was going to be one of this year’s inductees into the Rock n’ Roll Hall of Fame. Going back and listening to The Best of R.E.M.: In time 1988-2003, I couldn’t help but be struck by how many of these songs are truly entrenched in pop culture and still appear in commercials, TV shows, etc. It’s not on the level of the Beatles or Stones, whose music is still overpoweringly relevant thirty or forty years after its release, but it’s still significant. Everybody Hurts is still an anthem for tough times, to the point that Michael Stipe declares in the liner notes that the song no longer belongs to the band but to all who have derived solace from it during their own life struggles. Man on the Moon is definitely a quintessential R.E.M. song, and it was used in the Andy Kaufmann movie that Jim Carey did a couple years ago. Stipe’s distinctive voice still grips you any time you hear it, and you know instantaneously who you’re listening to. What’s the Frequency, Kenneth? is another song you can't help but listen to. R.E.M. may not rock out so hard your ears bleed, and often times they may follow a similarly melodic path as the somber Radiohead, but when people think about music in the 80s and 90s, R.E.M. has to be one of the first bands mentioned.
- Tennessee Titans cornerback Adam “Pacman” Jones has been suspended by the team for this Sunday’s game after an incident where he spit on a woman in a night club. While spitting on a woman is about the least among many despicable ways to assault a woman, it’s still a troubling sign that this overpaid, over-hyped, under-performing Neanderthal just doesn’t get it. He’s been in fights with teammates, said idiotic things and been a general nuisance to his team and society in general ever since he was drafted, but despite suspensions, fines, warnings, etc., this tool refuses to stop acting like he’s auditioning for a slot on the new reality series, “Who Wants to be the World’s Biggest A-hole?” We’re not asking that much, Pacman, just don’t assault women or teammates, don’t get arrested, play football and enjoy being a millionaire without ending up on the police blotter. Think you can do that, paco?
- Quick hit thoughts on the season premiere of The O.C. without rehashing it all. Definitely a different feel in the first episode, new characters, new vibe, some things worked, some didn’t. It was way too corny that a simple slide show presentation of comic book panels detailing Ryan’s history with the Cohen’s won him over and made him move back home. Chris Pratt was hilarious as a Rastafarian hippie-type guy, yet another reminder of what a disgrace it is that Everwood was cancelled. Overall, it looks like people who felt that losing Mischa Barton would sink the show were wrong, this season seems like it will have a chance to be just as good as the previous three.
- Get your seafood while you can - assuming you like seafood. I personally don’t care for slimy things with scales and gills that come from the water, but if you do like such things, then a report from a group of ecologists and economists in Halifax, Nova Scotia (what, no entomologists or environmentalists) claims that due to pollution and over-fishing, the supply of nearly all seafood creatures could collapse by 2048. This, of course, portends disaster for the Gorton’s fisherman, the Star-Kist tuna and Mrs. Paul, who will have to find ways to creative some sort of artificial fish stick substitute. What’s not great about a prophecy of doom, like the melting of the polar ice caps, the death of seafood, et al? No surer way to get people’s attention than a doomsday proclamation. But maybe humans aren't the best people to share this discovery with, the seafood creatures themselves might want to know this sort of thing, so get on that one, team of ecologists and economists in Nova Scotia.
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Politics, flabby cops and giant flag poles
- I may not get the most comprehensive election coverage this way, but the only place I’m gonna be tuning in for my political coverage next Tuesday is The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. Tuesday’s show from the campus of Ohio State was utterly hilarious, judging from the fact that I spent pretty much the entire half hour laughing uncontrollably. That current Secretary of State and gubernatorial hopeful Ken Blackwell, an incredibly inept and incompetent politician, was a target for much of the show’s humor only helped. There will always be a place for a medium that can take a stodgy, formal setting like politics and make it relatable and at least plausibly relevant to the general public, specifically young America, and The Daily Show is must watch TV right about now.
- I sincerely hope Lance Armstrong falls and breaks his freaking leg this Sunday running in the NYC marathon. This sentiment is founded entirely on my bitterness at not having been able to secure a spot in the race. I entered, along with tens of thousands of others, in the lottery for a spot in the marathon but didn’t get in. A very select few qualify for the race with times and otherwise, but the vast majority must enter the lottery and sweat it out. But I am guessing that Lance, like Diddy a couple years ago, didn’t exactly have to work too hard to get a spot in the race. Being a celebrity doesn’t get you enough - scores of hot chicks all over you, gift bags worth thousands of dollars at awards shows, millions of dollars in earnings - you feel the need to take a spot away from runners who would desperately love to run in this race? You suck, Lance, here’s hoping you crap out by mile 15 and I can laugh at the video footage of you, exhausted and unable to continue on the side of the road.
- Normally I’m not a hip hop guy…….straight rock for me, but every now and then you need to expand your musical horizons even if you are a white dude who grew up in a small country town. For that reason, I am legitimately excited about Jay-Z’s upcoming new album, Kingdom Come, due out November 20. Granted, you can’t play a lot of Jay’s songs at sporting events because there’s a substantial amount of profanity, but he’s far and away the best thing the rap game has to offer. 99 Problems, H to the Izzo, etc. are always good listening, and although I don’t actually buy many albums nowadays, I will find a way to borrow a copy of this album from somewhere and burn a copy for sure. Those of you who do actually pay for your music, I’d advise you to pick it up, you won't be disappointed.
- The San Francisco Giants appear to be getting a little smarter, based on their decision not to be among the teams pursuing newly minted free agent Barry Bonds. Bonds has been with the G-Men for a while but decided to file for free agency, and initial indications are that the Giants are not among the teams pursuing them. What, they don’t want to invest $10-15 million for a season into an aging, roid-fueled slugger with a size 8 ½ head and an aging body that moves at the speed of a glacier? The only teams that should be pursuing this guy, if any, are American League teams that can stick him at DH and not have to watch him hobble around the outfield, chasing balls like an a blindfolded child playing “Pin the tail on the donkey”.
- Did anybody notice that the NHL is back? I saw something in the sports section that looked like standings for the NHL, but otherwise no one seems to give a crap about it, and neither do I.
- I hate to rain on anyone’s parade, but I have to call out my good friends at Bowflex for their ubiquitous commercials that claim you can have the body of a professional bodybuilder by using their machine just three times a week for twenty minutes each time. Sorry Bowflex, but there is nothing you can do for twenty minutes, three times a week, that will give you washboard abs and bulging biceps. Not even three twenty minute sessions of steroid use a week will do that. And what kind of sick freak grins like an idiot while using workout equipment, as shown on these commercials? It doesn’t help that they run the ads every commercial break on ESPN, nor does it help that I see them while I am working out twice as hard as the yutzes on the commercials. Show a sweaty, out of breath person in their thirties who looks like they actually need the minimal benefits provided by a Bowflex machine and maybe you will come off as semi-believable.
- For those worrying about flying because of what might happen while in the air……you may actually be in greater danger in a plane that’s on the ground. Two recent incidents at Newark Liberty International Airport in New Jersey are under investigation and will no doubt incite a new round of fear in those who live in mortal terror of flying. On Tuesday evening, a Boeing 747 carrying more than 300 passengers bumped into the right wing of a Boeing 757 with the 747’s left wing. Damage wasn’t major, but isn't it comforting to know that pilots have trouble avoiding collisions on the ground, when one of the planes is friggin’ stationary. Super, guys. Three days prior, a Continental flight from Florida landed on a narrow taxiway near several airport buildings rather than on the actual runway it was supposed to land on. Planes landing in the wrong place, running into each other on the ground…..it’s not something happening at 35,000 feet that seems to be the real point of concern. The ground seems to be the real worry zone for airline passengers.
- Even patriotism has its limits, at least in Palm Beach, Florida. That’s where real estate mogul and all-around pompous ass Donald Trump has been cited by the local authorities for erecting an 80-foot-tall flagpole at his Mar-a-Lago estate. He has until Nov. 27 to apply for special approval or else face a Dec. 21 code enforcement that could result in as much as a $250 a day fine. The chairman of the town’s landmarks commission claims the giant flagpole, topped with a 15-by-25-foot-flag makes Trump’s place look like a used car dealership, while Trump counters that anyone who opposes his grandiose display of patriotism isn't fit to hold public office. After all, though, what is the purpose of government, if not to haggle with citizens over whether their home decorations are extravagant or gaudy? I’m sure this is an absolutely pressing matter, and when juxtaposed against other so-called “issues” this election season, such as school funding, health care and national security, it’s clear that a giant flagpole in a ritzy Florida neighborhood is the one issue we should all be focused on.
- Looking for the right gift this holiday season that will truly make a difference in someone’s life? If so, here’s a great suggestion: buy some balls for the police officers in Winter Haven, Florida, who apparently have the same level of testicular fortitude and mental toughness as a school girl carrying a “Hello Kitty” lunchbox. The cops in the W.H.P.D. got offended when police chief Paul Goward sent out a memo chastising the many officers in the department who were grossly overweight, and the memo also encouraged these cherubic cops to lose weight and get in better shape. In the memo, Goward gave ten reason why getting in shape was imperative, but some of the cops had their feelings hurt, complained and forced him to resign. Wow, somebody’s a little sensitive. No one was singled out in the memo, so these guys apparently read it, burst into tears and then drowned their sorrows with a gallon of moose tracks ice cream, a few jelly-filled doughnuts and a Yoo-Hoo or five before whining to the higher-ups in the PD. I, for one, salute Goward, and not just because looking at grossly obese people is depressing, which it is. But since when is encouraging people to lose weight, both for their own well-being and to help them do their job better, is a bad thing? It’s not as if he put up a “Wanted” poster in the precinct office with the pictures of these portly policemen that decried their crimes as “being a fat ass and not knowing when to shove away from the buffet.”
- I sincerely hope Lance Armstrong falls and breaks his freaking leg this Sunday running in the NYC marathon. This sentiment is founded entirely on my bitterness at not having been able to secure a spot in the race. I entered, along with tens of thousands of others, in the lottery for a spot in the marathon but didn’t get in. A very select few qualify for the race with times and otherwise, but the vast majority must enter the lottery and sweat it out. But I am guessing that Lance, like Diddy a couple years ago, didn’t exactly have to work too hard to get a spot in the race. Being a celebrity doesn’t get you enough - scores of hot chicks all over you, gift bags worth thousands of dollars at awards shows, millions of dollars in earnings - you feel the need to take a spot away from runners who would desperately love to run in this race? You suck, Lance, here’s hoping you crap out by mile 15 and I can laugh at the video footage of you, exhausted and unable to continue on the side of the road.
- Normally I’m not a hip hop guy…….straight rock for me, but every now and then you need to expand your musical horizons even if you are a white dude who grew up in a small country town. For that reason, I am legitimately excited about Jay-Z’s upcoming new album, Kingdom Come, due out November 20. Granted, you can’t play a lot of Jay’s songs at sporting events because there’s a substantial amount of profanity, but he’s far and away the best thing the rap game has to offer. 99 Problems, H to the Izzo, etc. are always good listening, and although I don’t actually buy many albums nowadays, I will find a way to borrow a copy of this album from somewhere and burn a copy for sure. Those of you who do actually pay for your music, I’d advise you to pick it up, you won't be disappointed.
- The San Francisco Giants appear to be getting a little smarter, based on their decision not to be among the teams pursuing newly minted free agent Barry Bonds. Bonds has been with the G-Men for a while but decided to file for free agency, and initial indications are that the Giants are not among the teams pursuing them. What, they don’t want to invest $10-15 million for a season into an aging, roid-fueled slugger with a size 8 ½ head and an aging body that moves at the speed of a glacier? The only teams that should be pursuing this guy, if any, are American League teams that can stick him at DH and not have to watch him hobble around the outfield, chasing balls like an a blindfolded child playing “Pin the tail on the donkey”.
- Did anybody notice that the NHL is back? I saw something in the sports section that looked like standings for the NHL, but otherwise no one seems to give a crap about it, and neither do I.
- I hate to rain on anyone’s parade, but I have to call out my good friends at Bowflex for their ubiquitous commercials that claim you can have the body of a professional bodybuilder by using their machine just three times a week for twenty minutes each time. Sorry Bowflex, but there is nothing you can do for twenty minutes, three times a week, that will give you washboard abs and bulging biceps. Not even three twenty minute sessions of steroid use a week will do that. And what kind of sick freak grins like an idiot while using workout equipment, as shown on these commercials? It doesn’t help that they run the ads every commercial break on ESPN, nor does it help that I see them while I am working out twice as hard as the yutzes on the commercials. Show a sweaty, out of breath person in their thirties who looks like they actually need the minimal benefits provided by a Bowflex machine and maybe you will come off as semi-believable.
- For those worrying about flying because of what might happen while in the air……you may actually be in greater danger in a plane that’s on the ground. Two recent incidents at Newark Liberty International Airport in New Jersey are under investigation and will no doubt incite a new round of fear in those who live in mortal terror of flying. On Tuesday evening, a Boeing 747 carrying more than 300 passengers bumped into the right wing of a Boeing 757 with the 747’s left wing. Damage wasn’t major, but isn't it comforting to know that pilots have trouble avoiding collisions on the ground, when one of the planes is friggin’ stationary. Super, guys. Three days prior, a Continental flight from Florida landed on a narrow taxiway near several airport buildings rather than on the actual runway it was supposed to land on. Planes landing in the wrong place, running into each other on the ground…..it’s not something happening at 35,000 feet that seems to be the real point of concern. The ground seems to be the real worry zone for airline passengers.
- Even patriotism has its limits, at least in Palm Beach, Florida. That’s where real estate mogul and all-around pompous ass Donald Trump has been cited by the local authorities for erecting an 80-foot-tall flagpole at his Mar-a-Lago estate. He has until Nov. 27 to apply for special approval or else face a Dec. 21 code enforcement that could result in as much as a $250 a day fine. The chairman of the town’s landmarks commission claims the giant flagpole, topped with a 15-by-25-foot-flag makes Trump’s place look like a used car dealership, while Trump counters that anyone who opposes his grandiose display of patriotism isn't fit to hold public office. After all, though, what is the purpose of government, if not to haggle with citizens over whether their home decorations are extravagant or gaudy? I’m sure this is an absolutely pressing matter, and when juxtaposed against other so-called “issues” this election season, such as school funding, health care and national security, it’s clear that a giant flagpole in a ritzy Florida neighborhood is the one issue we should all be focused on.
- Looking for the right gift this holiday season that will truly make a difference in someone’s life? If so, here’s a great suggestion: buy some balls for the police officers in Winter Haven, Florida, who apparently have the same level of testicular fortitude and mental toughness as a school girl carrying a “Hello Kitty” lunchbox. The cops in the W.H.P.D. got offended when police chief Paul Goward sent out a memo chastising the many officers in the department who were grossly overweight, and the memo also encouraged these cherubic cops to lose weight and get in better shape. In the memo, Goward gave ten reason why getting in shape was imperative, but some of the cops had their feelings hurt, complained and forced him to resign. Wow, somebody’s a little sensitive. No one was singled out in the memo, so these guys apparently read it, burst into tears and then drowned their sorrows with a gallon of moose tracks ice cream, a few jelly-filled doughnuts and a Yoo-Hoo or five before whining to the higher-ups in the PD. I, for one, salute Goward, and not just because looking at grossly obese people is depressing, which it is. But since when is encouraging people to lose weight, both for their own well-being and to help them do their job better, is a bad thing? It’s not as if he put up a “Wanted” poster in the precinct office with the pictures of these portly policemen that decried their crimes as “being a fat ass and not knowing when to shove away from the buffet.”
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Kim Jong Il'in it............
- Maybe you forgot, because I nearly did……..The O.C. returns tomorrow night, sliding right into its 9 p.m. time slot, which conveniently fits between my viewing musts, Smallville and Six Degrees. Pretty much every other show on every other network is either a half dozen or more episodes into the new season or, in the case of awful, unwatchable excuses for a show like, oh, say Runaway on the CW network, have already been cancelled. I nearly forgot that O.C. was back, and I say that not as a sleight against the show, which I love, but against Fox, which premiered some shows (Prison Break among them) before the baseball playoffs interrupted and are holding some back til after baseball, or in the case of 24, until January. The funny thing with The O.C. is that in seasons 1 and 3, the shows aired before the baseball playoffs, took a break and came back after the World Series. In seasons 2 and 4, the show hasn’t started up until after the Series. I advocate before, because otherwise you give fans too many chances to get interested in all of the other shows on during the early fall and to forget about your own great show. Either way, glad to see it back, it will be interesting to see all of the changes sure to take place this season.
- Two notable steroids suspensions in pro sports highlight the continuing struggle between druggers and those trying to crack down on them, as well as a paradox of sorts inherent in sports at all levels, especially professional. Shawne Merriman, star NFL linebacker, and Guillermo Mota, quality MLB relief pitcher, both got popped by their respective leagues for using the ‘roids, Merriman for 4 games, one-fourth of the NFL season, Mota for 50 games, just under one-third of the MLB season. The paradox comes in the fact that these athletes are so ultra competitive and looking for any edge to get ahead, yet the things that give them the most pronounced edge are banned, harmful to their bodies and the current biggest villain in athletics. Guys continue getting busted for using them, yet guys keep using them, trying to find new drugs to stay one step ahead of those doing the testing. And it will continue to be this way for a long, long time, until all sports adopt a one-strike and you’re out policy, with lifetime bans for positive tests. As any sports fan knows, such a universal death penalty ban is all be certain to never exist.
- The “Dumbass of the Week” Award in pro sports goes to Baltimore Ravens linebacker Bart Scott, who basically admitted he was out on the field looking to hurt Saints running back Reggie Bush after a perceived cheap shot from Bush earlier in a game between the Ravens and Saints. Scott blabbered on about putting some “hot sauce” on his hits of Bush, specifically in the area of Bush’s ankles, then backpedaled and tried to deny it all the next day. Bart, I’m gonna pass along a piece of advice that will serve you well not only in football, but also in life in general. If you purposefully hurt someone or attempt to, or do anything that in any way breaks rules, laws, etc., don’t go around bragging about it, specifically to the media. That’s a sure-fire way to get in trouble, whereas if you keep your mouth shut, your chances for staying out of trouble are infinitely better.
- What an absolute joke TRL has become. I’m not even gonna go old school and talk about how it’s not what it used to be, it’ll never be as good as the old days, blah, blah, blah. Basically all the show is now is a revolving door audition for the veejays, who aspire to acting careers and other pursuits of fame, as well as a vehicle for actors and artists to promote their new movies, shows and albums. The actual videos are an afterthought, to the point that some get glossed over in two seconds or less on a TV monitor in the background as the veejay transitions into the next interview with a celeb promoting their new movie. In between, everyone heads over to the window overlooking Times Square for some window love from those on the street below. Anyone that actually wants to see videos is a lot better off tuning into IMF, the International Music feed, which is a great station, or even MTV2.
- Anyone notice how quickly any talk of the World Series has disappeared since the Series ended on Friday night? Not that it’s a bad thing, it’s just amusing how one of sports’ grandest events is something, at least this time around, that people so quickly (want to) forget. Actually, it’s a good thing, and maybe next year we’ll get a good Series that we will want to remember.
- In a good advertisement for knowing what you’re signing up for, Alec Baldwin has asked to be removed as narrator in a documentary about the life and political career of The Governator, Ah-nold Schwarzennager, after finding that the filmmakers inserted footage from Nazi rallies into the film. Call me crazy, but I’m pretty sure Arnold wasn’t at those rallies and never met Hitler, so I am imagining it’s quite a stretch to include the footage and defend the decision. Still, Baldwin, who is a vocal critic of The Governator but believes he still deserves fair treatment, might have wanted to ask a few more questions before signing on for the project. You know, other than “Where do I sign to get crazy jack just to read a few pages of dialogue?” Because if you don’t ask questions, this is what you end up with, being associated with a project that tries to link California’s governor with the Nazis.
- This is a public service announcement for any and all dudes out there. If you are among those viewing Dancing with the Stars and are not doing so under compulsion from your wife, fiancé or girlfriend, then you need to stop watching right now and start taking some steps to reclaim what you can of your manhood. It’s defendable to watch if your significant other leans on you, says she watches football with you or goes somewhere she doesn’t want to go so you should watch this show in return. But if you watch of your own volition these D-list “stars” prancing around in lycra outfits with feathers and sequins (that could be wrong, I’m just guessing what these losers might wear) and doing the cha-cha while other losers pretend to be qualified judges for the contest, then you, my friend, are an even bigger loser than any of them. So stop watching, go out and buy tons of flannel shirts, an axe and some work boots, spray on some Old Spice, watch football, go out and chop down some trees and drink a few beers, followed by gratuitous belching and scratching, and then top it all off by getting into a bar fight. Then, and only then, might you regain a small portion of the manliness you have lost by watching DWTS.
- The NBA season tipped off last night, at my initial inclination was to pay little attention, as is my custom. I gave up caring about the Association about five years ago, after the last work stoppage, as well as the style of play that features one superstar dribbling around while four teammates stand and watch. Now, however, I’m rethinking my stance on the NBA thanks to one key piece of news: North Korean leader Kim Jong Il, he of the questionable mental stability and burgeoning nuclear capability, is a huge NBA fan. Seriously. Dude has basketball courts at each of his multiple palaces in the country and reportedly watches pirated feeds of NBA games before bed each night. Moreover, he has every one of Michael Jordan’s games ever played on tape. So while his countrymen battle poverty and starvation, “Dear Leader” (his self-gloss, not mine), pops open a bag of Doritos and watches the Lakers and Mavericks on the big screen? Awesome. So in the interest of not pissing off a guy with is mentally imbalanced and possesses nuclear capabilities and to further my goal of not being annihilated by a nuke, I am now declaring myself a HUGE fan of the NBA and I plan to watch it non-stop. In fact, I will do so with a life-sized portrait of “Dear Leader” hanging on the wall above my TV.
- Two notable steroids suspensions in pro sports highlight the continuing struggle between druggers and those trying to crack down on them, as well as a paradox of sorts inherent in sports at all levels, especially professional. Shawne Merriman, star NFL linebacker, and Guillermo Mota, quality MLB relief pitcher, both got popped by their respective leagues for using the ‘roids, Merriman for 4 games, one-fourth of the NFL season, Mota for 50 games, just under one-third of the MLB season. The paradox comes in the fact that these athletes are so ultra competitive and looking for any edge to get ahead, yet the things that give them the most pronounced edge are banned, harmful to their bodies and the current biggest villain in athletics. Guys continue getting busted for using them, yet guys keep using them, trying to find new drugs to stay one step ahead of those doing the testing. And it will continue to be this way for a long, long time, until all sports adopt a one-strike and you’re out policy, with lifetime bans for positive tests. As any sports fan knows, such a universal death penalty ban is all be certain to never exist.
- The “Dumbass of the Week” Award in pro sports goes to Baltimore Ravens linebacker Bart Scott, who basically admitted he was out on the field looking to hurt Saints running back Reggie Bush after a perceived cheap shot from Bush earlier in a game between the Ravens and Saints. Scott blabbered on about putting some “hot sauce” on his hits of Bush, specifically in the area of Bush’s ankles, then backpedaled and tried to deny it all the next day. Bart, I’m gonna pass along a piece of advice that will serve you well not only in football, but also in life in general. If you purposefully hurt someone or attempt to, or do anything that in any way breaks rules, laws, etc., don’t go around bragging about it, specifically to the media. That’s a sure-fire way to get in trouble, whereas if you keep your mouth shut, your chances for staying out of trouble are infinitely better.
- What an absolute joke TRL has become. I’m not even gonna go old school and talk about how it’s not what it used to be, it’ll never be as good as the old days, blah, blah, blah. Basically all the show is now is a revolving door audition for the veejays, who aspire to acting careers and other pursuits of fame, as well as a vehicle for actors and artists to promote their new movies, shows and albums. The actual videos are an afterthought, to the point that some get glossed over in two seconds or less on a TV monitor in the background as the veejay transitions into the next interview with a celeb promoting their new movie. In between, everyone heads over to the window overlooking Times Square for some window love from those on the street below. Anyone that actually wants to see videos is a lot better off tuning into IMF, the International Music feed, which is a great station, or even MTV2.
- Anyone notice how quickly any talk of the World Series has disappeared since the Series ended on Friday night? Not that it’s a bad thing, it’s just amusing how one of sports’ grandest events is something, at least this time around, that people so quickly (want to) forget. Actually, it’s a good thing, and maybe next year we’ll get a good Series that we will want to remember.
- In a good advertisement for knowing what you’re signing up for, Alec Baldwin has asked to be removed as narrator in a documentary about the life and political career of The Governator, Ah-nold Schwarzennager, after finding that the filmmakers inserted footage from Nazi rallies into the film. Call me crazy, but I’m pretty sure Arnold wasn’t at those rallies and never met Hitler, so I am imagining it’s quite a stretch to include the footage and defend the decision. Still, Baldwin, who is a vocal critic of The Governator but believes he still deserves fair treatment, might have wanted to ask a few more questions before signing on for the project. You know, other than “Where do I sign to get crazy jack just to read a few pages of dialogue?” Because if you don’t ask questions, this is what you end up with, being associated with a project that tries to link California’s governor with the Nazis.
- This is a public service announcement for any and all dudes out there. If you are among those viewing Dancing with the Stars and are not doing so under compulsion from your wife, fiancé or girlfriend, then you need to stop watching right now and start taking some steps to reclaim what you can of your manhood. It’s defendable to watch if your significant other leans on you, says she watches football with you or goes somewhere she doesn’t want to go so you should watch this show in return. But if you watch of your own volition these D-list “stars” prancing around in lycra outfits with feathers and sequins (that could be wrong, I’m just guessing what these losers might wear) and doing the cha-cha while other losers pretend to be qualified judges for the contest, then you, my friend, are an even bigger loser than any of them. So stop watching, go out and buy tons of flannel shirts, an axe and some work boots, spray on some Old Spice, watch football, go out and chop down some trees and drink a few beers, followed by gratuitous belching and scratching, and then top it all off by getting into a bar fight. Then, and only then, might you regain a small portion of the manliness you have lost by watching DWTS.
- The NBA season tipped off last night, at my initial inclination was to pay little attention, as is my custom. I gave up caring about the Association about five years ago, after the last work stoppage, as well as the style of play that features one superstar dribbling around while four teammates stand and watch. Now, however, I’m rethinking my stance on the NBA thanks to one key piece of news: North Korean leader Kim Jong Il, he of the questionable mental stability and burgeoning nuclear capability, is a huge NBA fan. Seriously. Dude has basketball courts at each of his multiple palaces in the country and reportedly watches pirated feeds of NBA games before bed each night. Moreover, he has every one of Michael Jordan’s games ever played on tape. So while his countrymen battle poverty and starvation, “Dear Leader” (his self-gloss, not mine), pops open a bag of Doritos and watches the Lakers and Mavericks on the big screen? Awesome. So in the interest of not pissing off a guy with is mentally imbalanced and possesses nuclear capabilities and to further my goal of not being annihilated by a nuke, I am now declaring myself a HUGE fan of the NBA and I plan to watch it non-stop. In fact, I will do so with a life-sized portrait of “Dear Leader” hanging on the wall above my TV.
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
A monopoly on lame-o-sity
- Board game dorks rejoice. Author Phillip E. Orbanes has written a book detailing the much debated, hotly contested and of paramount importance topic of: the history of Monopoly. No, not monopolies as in one company having total control of a particular industry, product or service. That book might actually be of some relevance and importance. No, Orbanes is looking into the history of the board game. What I really want to know are things like does this book tackle the fiercely acrimonious relationship between the top hat and the wheelbarrow, the meteoric rise in property taxes on Park Place and the sketchy past of the mustachioed dude on the cover of the game. Needless to say, this is a topic that we have all been breathlessly awaiting further research on, and I anticipate it will be the choice for next month’s edition of Oprah’s book club. Either that or no one will care about it and it will end up selling about four dozen copies, mostly to the author’s family.
- Britain isn't happy with the U.S. and its environmental policies. Far be it from me to be a turncoat and sell out America, but maybe the Brits do have a point and we do abuse the environment a bit………or egregiously. Yet the person the Brits are turning to for advice and analysis is……..Al Gore. Yes, he of the gargantuan weight gain, unsightly beard, the mysterious “lock box” he kept talking about in the 2000 election and the dubious claim of being the father of the Internet. Now Gore is attempting to recast himself as some sort of media mogul/environmental savant, launching a rather unsuccessful TV network aimed at young people and producing a documentary about the environment. Props to him for branching out into new things, but shouldn’t the British be looking to……well, someone with an actual scientific background who can actually provide qualified insight into the environment? No one in America takes Al Gore seriously nowadays, so I doubt we’ll be changing our policies because the Brits, at Gore’s urging, want us to.
- Europe in general appears pissed at the U.S., in fact. The International Olympic Committee’s decision to hold some swimming and gymnastic events for the 2008 Summer Olympics in the morning to accommodate NBC (i.e. American viewers) has rankled some Euros, because the new times for the events will be problematic for Euro viewers. This should definitely help the whole image as “Ugly Americans”, expecting the rest of the world to cater to us and realign their schedules and lives in order to accommodate us and our needs. Granted, these events are among the most popular of the Games, and American viewers do represent one of the largest chunks of the viewing population, but it’s not absolutely vital that I get to see the uneven bars or the 100 meter freestyle in prime time. I think I can live without them, thanks, or just see highlights on a nightly recap show.
- A disturbing development from the soccer world. Apparently, a clinic that deals with athletes suffering from various types of addictions, is expressing grave concern that many English Premier League soccer players online p. addiction. They explain that these mullet wearing, injury faking, man-perm sporting dorks are accessing online porn 14 or 15 times a day, and that during matches, their minds focus not on the game itself, but on getting their next fix of net porn. And I know, this isn't a phenomenon specific to EPL soccer players; dudes all over the world are in the same boat. But 15 times a day? Wow, that’s…….troubling. Anything you feel compelled to do 15 times a day that isn’t a) part of your job, b) part of a day working out at the gym, c) absolutely essential to your survival, i.e. going to the bathroom, is a problem. Not like I needed another reason not to watch EPL soccer, what with the rioting, looting, fans throwing flares onto the field at players and lack of actual excitement on the field, but now I will be extra sure not to tune in to see these freaks in action.
- Hats off to R.E.M. for their nomination for induction into the Rock n’ Roll Hall of Fame. Even if the Rock H.O.F. isn't all that relevant or important and they do induct far too many bands and artist who neither rocked nor rolled at any point in their careers and wouldn’t know rock if smacked them with a ferocious pimp slap across the face, it is good to see R.E.M. recognized. They were largely the forerunners of the college/indie rock scene when they started in the 1980s, and songs like It’s the End of the World as We Know It and What’s the frequency, Kenneth? are still classics.
- Do television execs actually want to provide quality programming, or do they settle for the easiest, least-thought requiring alternative and slap it into their schedules? These television game shows that are reportedly great imports from England are just an easy way around developing fresh, new sitcoms and dramas that are worth watching. I got tired of seeing losers with IQ’s of approximately 85 try to win a million dollars answering questions about topics that no one cares about. There are a lot of people out there just dying to be on TV and who are dumb enough to think that they are actually going to win a couple million bucks on a show that is rigged against them. If I want to watch really stupid people do things I have no interest in, I’ll just go out on the expressway and watch the incompetent driving of the idiots on our nation’s roadways.
- Great job by the U.S. Army, which has apparently fed misleading information about the deaths of seven soldiers in Iraq or Afghanistan to the families of those soldiers. As if the families of the deceased soldiers didn’t have enough of a burden, now the Army is either a) lying to, or b) too incompetent to tell the truth to them. These men and women gave their lives for their country, I’d say the least you can do is make sure you get the details right when you tell their families what happened. This comes after the whole Pat Tillman scandal in which his family was repeatedly misled by the military and it only came out more than a year after his death that he was killed by friendly fire. Small wonder that a country that can't even get the right cause for a soldier’s death also cannot figure out when or when not to invade a nation that poses no actual threat to them.
- A commitment to winning. No professional sports franchise embodies that philosophy more than the NFL’s Arizona Cardinals, they of the 1-7 record and one playoff victory in franchise history. This year’s incarnation of Cards is especially noteworthy because before the season began and people actually saw what the team looked like on the field, they were one of the trendy picks to go to the Super Bowl, at least among those with only marginal knowledge of football, such as Regis Philbin. No word on whether Matt Lauer and Al Roker also had the Cards as NFC favorites, but suffice to say things haven’t quite panned out for Arizona. They won their first game against the 49ers, and have since proceeded to lose seven straight. They’ve lost in blowout fashion (31-14 to a subpar Packers team), gut-wrenchingly chaotic collapse fashion (blowing a 20-point lead to the Bears in the course of the final 18 minutes of a Monday night game) and standard awful fashion (22-9 to the awful Raiders). They’ve benched their starting quarterback, had their running back bitch about a lack of touches even though he gets the ball more than any back in the NFL, and had their coach experience the most catastrophic breakdown in recent memory……..“The Bears are who we thought they were, and we let them off the hook!” Bet Denny Green wishes he could have that one back, just like Cardinal fans wish they could have the time they’ve spent watching their team the past two months back. Yet team president Mike Bidwell says the team won't fire Green because it “wouldn’t improve our chances of winning, and that’s our goal.” Nothing says winning more than retaining a coach who greatly resembles the “Nutty Professor” and sports a 12-28 record with the team. Keep up the good work, guys.
- Britain isn't happy with the U.S. and its environmental policies. Far be it from me to be a turncoat and sell out America, but maybe the Brits do have a point and we do abuse the environment a bit………or egregiously. Yet the person the Brits are turning to for advice and analysis is……..Al Gore. Yes, he of the gargantuan weight gain, unsightly beard, the mysterious “lock box” he kept talking about in the 2000 election and the dubious claim of being the father of the Internet. Now Gore is attempting to recast himself as some sort of media mogul/environmental savant, launching a rather unsuccessful TV network aimed at young people and producing a documentary about the environment. Props to him for branching out into new things, but shouldn’t the British be looking to……well, someone with an actual scientific background who can actually provide qualified insight into the environment? No one in America takes Al Gore seriously nowadays, so I doubt we’ll be changing our policies because the Brits, at Gore’s urging, want us to.
- Europe in general appears pissed at the U.S., in fact. The International Olympic Committee’s decision to hold some swimming and gymnastic events for the 2008 Summer Olympics in the morning to accommodate NBC (i.e. American viewers) has rankled some Euros, because the new times for the events will be problematic for Euro viewers. This should definitely help the whole image as “Ugly Americans”, expecting the rest of the world to cater to us and realign their schedules and lives in order to accommodate us and our needs. Granted, these events are among the most popular of the Games, and American viewers do represent one of the largest chunks of the viewing population, but it’s not absolutely vital that I get to see the uneven bars or the 100 meter freestyle in prime time. I think I can live without them, thanks, or just see highlights on a nightly recap show.
- A disturbing development from the soccer world. Apparently, a clinic that deals with athletes suffering from various types of addictions, is expressing grave concern that many English Premier League soccer players online p. addiction. They explain that these mullet wearing, injury faking, man-perm sporting dorks are accessing online porn 14 or 15 times a day, and that during matches, their minds focus not on the game itself, but on getting their next fix of net porn. And I know, this isn't a phenomenon specific to EPL soccer players; dudes all over the world are in the same boat. But 15 times a day? Wow, that’s…….troubling. Anything you feel compelled to do 15 times a day that isn’t a) part of your job, b) part of a day working out at the gym, c) absolutely essential to your survival, i.e. going to the bathroom, is a problem. Not like I needed another reason not to watch EPL soccer, what with the rioting, looting, fans throwing flares onto the field at players and lack of actual excitement on the field, but now I will be extra sure not to tune in to see these freaks in action.
- Hats off to R.E.M. for their nomination for induction into the Rock n’ Roll Hall of Fame. Even if the Rock H.O.F. isn't all that relevant or important and they do induct far too many bands and artist who neither rocked nor rolled at any point in their careers and wouldn’t know rock if smacked them with a ferocious pimp slap across the face, it is good to see R.E.M. recognized. They were largely the forerunners of the college/indie rock scene when they started in the 1980s, and songs like It’s the End of the World as We Know It and What’s the frequency, Kenneth? are still classics.
- Do television execs actually want to provide quality programming, or do they settle for the easiest, least-thought requiring alternative and slap it into their schedules? These television game shows that are reportedly great imports from England are just an easy way around developing fresh, new sitcoms and dramas that are worth watching. I got tired of seeing losers with IQ’s of approximately 85 try to win a million dollars answering questions about topics that no one cares about. There are a lot of people out there just dying to be on TV and who are dumb enough to think that they are actually going to win a couple million bucks on a show that is rigged against them. If I want to watch really stupid people do things I have no interest in, I’ll just go out on the expressway and watch the incompetent driving of the idiots on our nation’s roadways.
- Great job by the U.S. Army, which has apparently fed misleading information about the deaths of seven soldiers in Iraq or Afghanistan to the families of those soldiers. As if the families of the deceased soldiers didn’t have enough of a burden, now the Army is either a) lying to, or b) too incompetent to tell the truth to them. These men and women gave their lives for their country, I’d say the least you can do is make sure you get the details right when you tell their families what happened. This comes after the whole Pat Tillman scandal in which his family was repeatedly misled by the military and it only came out more than a year after his death that he was killed by friendly fire. Small wonder that a country that can't even get the right cause for a soldier’s death also cannot figure out when or when not to invade a nation that poses no actual threat to them.
- A commitment to winning. No professional sports franchise embodies that philosophy more than the NFL’s Arizona Cardinals, they of the 1-7 record and one playoff victory in franchise history. This year’s incarnation of Cards is especially noteworthy because before the season began and people actually saw what the team looked like on the field, they were one of the trendy picks to go to the Super Bowl, at least among those with only marginal knowledge of football, such as Regis Philbin. No word on whether Matt Lauer and Al Roker also had the Cards as NFC favorites, but suffice to say things haven’t quite panned out for Arizona. They won their first game against the 49ers, and have since proceeded to lose seven straight. They’ve lost in blowout fashion (31-14 to a subpar Packers team), gut-wrenchingly chaotic collapse fashion (blowing a 20-point lead to the Bears in the course of the final 18 minutes of a Monday night game) and standard awful fashion (22-9 to the awful Raiders). They’ve benched their starting quarterback, had their running back bitch about a lack of touches even though he gets the ball more than any back in the NFL, and had their coach experience the most catastrophic breakdown in recent memory……..“The Bears are who we thought they were, and we let them off the hook!” Bet Denny Green wishes he could have that one back, just like Cardinal fans wish they could have the time they’ve spent watching their team the past two months back. Yet team president Mike Bidwell says the team won't fire Green because it “wouldn’t improve our chances of winning, and that’s our goal.” Nothing says winning more than retaining a coach who greatly resembles the “Nutty Professor” and sports a 12-28 record with the team. Keep up the good work, guys.
Monday, October 30, 2006
Additional ruminations
- Props to Las Vegas for landing next year’s Tournament of the Americas Olympic qualifying basketball tourney after Venezuela was unable to follow up on its own winning bid and actually made proper preparations for the event. This should only deepen the goodwill and warmth between America and Venezuelan president/noted U.S.-hater Hugo Chavez. But maybe offer good ‘ol Hugo a free weekend stay at the Real World suite in the Palms and comp all of his meals, toss in a few hookers and a huge line of credit in casino and maybe he can still come and enjoy the event.
- Speaking of Hugo Chavez (and who doesn’t love talking about such a warm, fuzzy despot) an American company that manufactures touch screen voting machines is being investigated for alleged ties to this Venezuelan leader. Sequoia Voting Systems denies the allegations, but doesn’t it make you feel better to know that a company with such a large impact on our democratic process may have ties to someone who despises our country so vigorously? Who knows, maybe your vote is being secretly transmitted to some Chavez administration flunkie, who records it and puts you on a hit list if you vote for someone who Chavez disapproves of? Good times, good times. And how great that this little detail comes out the week before elections.
- The Barry Bonds Derby is now underway, sports fans. Our roid-fueled slugger and all-around super human being has filed for free agency, meaning that any team in baseball can have a chance to sign him. I, for one, advocate the Chibu Latte Marines of the Japanese League, to procure the services of Bonds. Maybe Major League Baseball and its teams can even take up a collection so the C.L. Marines can afford to pay Bonds. That way, baseball fans don’t have to suffer the indignity of seeing the steroid cloud hover over another MLB season and maybe, just maybe, we can enjoy baseball on a more simplistic level. Additionally, MLB doesn’t have to watch Bonds chase its most hallowed record while fully knowing he is doing it on the strength of performance enhancers. Enjoy Japan Barry, I hear they have great sushi and kabuki theatre.
- The Who are coming out with their first studio album in twenty-four years (it’s true, twenty-four years, the commercial says so) and I don’t know if it’s good or bad that a band so aged is putting out an album that will still be better than about ninety percent of the crap currently on record store shelves. The debate is usually are you a Stones fan or a Who fan, but I gotta go with picking both of them over the majority of what passes for rock music right about now.
- Legalized gambling is making another push in Ohio, in the form of slot machines at selected locations in our fine Buckeye State. We’ve also had, in recent years, a thrust for riverboat casinos, which was rightly defeated. Gambling sycophants can try to sell the imaginary benefits to the state’s education system and the fact that people leave to gamble in other states because they can't in Ohio; so f’ing what, I ask? Are you not aware that when gambling comes to an area, it’s a given that crime levels and other shady behavior increase exponentially? And if people want to go throw their money away gambling in Windsor, Detroit, Vegas, Atlantic City, whatever, go for it. I’d prefer that they throw their money away at my front door, but since that doesn’t seem likely to happen, let ‘em go and gamble elsewhere.
- Another measure on the Ohio ballot centers on smoking in public places. Save your breath, smokers (literally, you need all the fresh air and oxygen you can get), I don’t wanna hear it. It’s one thing to drink copious amounts of alcohol, because as long as you don’t drive drunk, the alcohol consumption doesn’t negatively affect my health. Same with gambling, you can throw away every cent of your income playing blackjack or craps, it doesn’t increase my chances of developing lung cancer. But when you choke down your cancer sticks and give off those noxious fumes, you directly and negatively impact my health and well being. So ban smoking anywhere and everywhere you possibly can, because I don’t want my life shortened because of the nicotine-addicted freaks who can’t put out their heaters and just quit.
- The verdict in the Saddam Hussein trial is due by November 5, shockingly just two days before Election Day. Even more stunning, those involved say the Bush administration had nothing to do with the timing out the decision. Mmmm hmmm…….just like the FBI’s harassment of John Lennon mysteriously stopped after Richard Nixon’s re-election? So a guilty verdict against the man whose country we pointlessly invaded and where hundreds of American soldiers are dying without cause two days before elections is just coincidence? It’s not a ploy to help Bush’s beleaguered Republican party, which is in danger of losing control of Congress? Forgive me if I’m having a hard time believing that one.
- Speaking of Hugo Chavez (and who doesn’t love talking about such a warm, fuzzy despot) an American company that manufactures touch screen voting machines is being investigated for alleged ties to this Venezuelan leader. Sequoia Voting Systems denies the allegations, but doesn’t it make you feel better to know that a company with such a large impact on our democratic process may have ties to someone who despises our country so vigorously? Who knows, maybe your vote is being secretly transmitted to some Chavez administration flunkie, who records it and puts you on a hit list if you vote for someone who Chavez disapproves of? Good times, good times. And how great that this little detail comes out the week before elections.
- The Barry Bonds Derby is now underway, sports fans. Our roid-fueled slugger and all-around super human being has filed for free agency, meaning that any team in baseball can have a chance to sign him. I, for one, advocate the Chibu Latte Marines of the Japanese League, to procure the services of Bonds. Maybe Major League Baseball and its teams can even take up a collection so the C.L. Marines can afford to pay Bonds. That way, baseball fans don’t have to suffer the indignity of seeing the steroid cloud hover over another MLB season and maybe, just maybe, we can enjoy baseball on a more simplistic level. Additionally, MLB doesn’t have to watch Bonds chase its most hallowed record while fully knowing he is doing it on the strength of performance enhancers. Enjoy Japan Barry, I hear they have great sushi and kabuki theatre.
- The Who are coming out with their first studio album in twenty-four years (it’s true, twenty-four years, the commercial says so) and I don’t know if it’s good or bad that a band so aged is putting out an album that will still be better than about ninety percent of the crap currently on record store shelves. The debate is usually are you a Stones fan or a Who fan, but I gotta go with picking both of them over the majority of what passes for rock music right about now.
- Legalized gambling is making another push in Ohio, in the form of slot machines at selected locations in our fine Buckeye State. We’ve also had, in recent years, a thrust for riverboat casinos, which was rightly defeated. Gambling sycophants can try to sell the imaginary benefits to the state’s education system and the fact that people leave to gamble in other states because they can't in Ohio; so f’ing what, I ask? Are you not aware that when gambling comes to an area, it’s a given that crime levels and other shady behavior increase exponentially? And if people want to go throw their money away gambling in Windsor, Detroit, Vegas, Atlantic City, whatever, go for it. I’d prefer that they throw their money away at my front door, but since that doesn’t seem likely to happen, let ‘em go and gamble elsewhere.
- Another measure on the Ohio ballot centers on smoking in public places. Save your breath, smokers (literally, you need all the fresh air and oxygen you can get), I don’t wanna hear it. It’s one thing to drink copious amounts of alcohol, because as long as you don’t drive drunk, the alcohol consumption doesn’t negatively affect my health. Same with gambling, you can throw away every cent of your income playing blackjack or craps, it doesn’t increase my chances of developing lung cancer. But when you choke down your cancer sticks and give off those noxious fumes, you directly and negatively impact my health and well being. So ban smoking anywhere and everywhere you possibly can, because I don’t want my life shortened because of the nicotine-addicted freaks who can’t put out their heaters and just quit.
- The verdict in the Saddam Hussein trial is due by November 5, shockingly just two days before Election Day. Even more stunning, those involved say the Bush administration had nothing to do with the timing out the decision. Mmmm hmmm…….just like the FBI’s harassment of John Lennon mysteriously stopped after Richard Nixon’s re-election? So a guilty verdict against the man whose country we pointlessly invaded and where hundreds of American soldiers are dying without cause two days before elections is just coincidence? It’s not a ploy to help Bush’s beleaguered Republican party, which is in danger of losing control of Congress? Forgive me if I’m having a hard time believing that one.
Sunday, October 29, 2006
More musings
- Hope everyone had a wonderful Halloween weekend and drank enough to forget that Halloween isn’t even a real friggin’ holiday. It has a wide appeal, granted, because kids love wearing costumes and getting loads of candy, enough to sugar them up for the next decade plus, and college kids love an excuse for another party and to get hammered. But what exactly are you celebrating? Christmas (the birth of Christ), Easter (Jesus’ resurrection), the Fourth of July (the declaration of America’s independence), Memorial Day (those who have died in wars), they all center on actual things to celebrate. Halloween, not so much. Enjoy the occasion, I guess, just don’t try to tell me it’s a holiday, that’s all. The next person I hear declare that, “Halloween is my favorite holiday,” may find themselves on the wrong end of a baseball bat to the head.
- The fact that Saw III was the top movie at the box office is something I am going to chalk up to it being Halloween weekend. Because it can't be that Saw is the best movie out right now, I’m neither ignorant nor stoned enough to believe that to be the case. I’ve seen some of the others pictures out now, and I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that a gore-fest sequel to a movie franchise that’s been clichéd and trite from the start isn't much of a cinematic masterpiece. Amazingly, the best movies always seem to fall into the gap where the general public isn't sharp enough to recognize them, but the awards shows are just a bit too snooty and pompous to honor them.
- From the realm of the bizarre and mildly disturbing……the state of Tennessee had enacted new state guidelines prohibiting sex offenders on probation or parole from attending Halloween costume parties this year or put up Halloween decorations at their homes that might attract children. I’m all for keeping kids as far away from sex offenders as possible (yes, Michael Jackson, I’m looking at you, just stay in Bahrain and don’t come back), but how exactly are you going to enforce the no costume party rule? Are P.O.’s gonna raid the ex-con’s closets for contraband Superman costumes or gorilla masks? Correct me if I’m wrong, but aren’t there adult Halloween parties, where these freaks could go and no be anywhere near kids? The rules apply to all sex offenders, not just those whose victims were minors, which is all the more curious. These offenders also can’t go to corn field mazes and other common Halloween attractions. Good to know that Joe Sex Offender can't dress up as Johnny Depp’s character from Pirates of the Caribbean and attend an adult Halloween costume party, I feel so much safer, thanks state of Tennessee.
- Am I the only one that’s horribly ashamed to live in a country whose music chart currently sports not one but two singles from the weasel-voiced, Michael Jackson wannabe, Justin Timberlake? It would help if this glorified American Idol rip-off didn’t inhale a tank of helium before he sings, but even that wouldn’t be enough. How awesome is it to see him try to grab some cred by collaborating with Timbaland on his new album, as if that can cover up the depths of his suck-itude. Are there really that many teenage girls out there buying albums and songs off of iTunes that Timberlake is so high on the charts? Yikes.
- Following up on a previous observation, the CW network has suffered its first show casualty of the season. Runaway, the hack-job of a show that replaced beloved drama Everwood, was yanked after three episodes. A few more moves like this and CW head honcho Dawn “Shoulda been an Enron exec” Ostroff will win the “Network Executive of the Year” award before November sweeps are over. And if you think this is just another excuse to take a shot at Ostroff and her team of brainless buffoons at the CW, you would be right. But they’ve earned it, and for the Everwood decision alone have earned at least another five years of outright mockery.
- Hands down the best show on TV most every week has been Veronica Mars this season. That the show is struggling to gain a bigger following is a shame, because nowhere else can you find the same smart, sarcastic and laugh out loud goodness that this show offers week in, week out. The butchering of the show’s opening credits and theme song notwithstanding (seriously, it looks like a bad impression of an early Law & Order season credits), the show itself is great. If none of its actors or writers receive Emmy nominations this year, it will only further solidify the Academy’s absolute ignorance and stupidity in honoring the truly great shows on TV.
- Election Day is just a week away, whooooo! Not excited, you say? Me neither. What’s so fun about voting for secretary of state, state auditor, county commissioner and the like? Somebody has to do it, I guess, and most years, I’ll go ahead and vote even though I’d rather not. This year I’m not feeling the urge, and I’m tempted to skip just to give the finger to all of the annoying candidates who fill my TV screen with ads 24/7 decrying the horrible deficiencies of their opponents while extolling their own amazing virtues. Here’s an offer: I will promise to vote for any candidate who can prove that they have never run a single TV or radio ad. Leave me alone and I’ll vote for you, sound like a good deal?
- The fact that Saw III was the top movie at the box office is something I am going to chalk up to it being Halloween weekend. Because it can't be that Saw is the best movie out right now, I’m neither ignorant nor stoned enough to believe that to be the case. I’ve seen some of the others pictures out now, and I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that a gore-fest sequel to a movie franchise that’s been clichéd and trite from the start isn't much of a cinematic masterpiece. Amazingly, the best movies always seem to fall into the gap where the general public isn't sharp enough to recognize them, but the awards shows are just a bit too snooty and pompous to honor them.
- From the realm of the bizarre and mildly disturbing……the state of Tennessee had enacted new state guidelines prohibiting sex offenders on probation or parole from attending Halloween costume parties this year or put up Halloween decorations at their homes that might attract children. I’m all for keeping kids as far away from sex offenders as possible (yes, Michael Jackson, I’m looking at you, just stay in Bahrain and don’t come back), but how exactly are you going to enforce the no costume party rule? Are P.O.’s gonna raid the ex-con’s closets for contraband Superman costumes or gorilla masks? Correct me if I’m wrong, but aren’t there adult Halloween parties, where these freaks could go and no be anywhere near kids? The rules apply to all sex offenders, not just those whose victims were minors, which is all the more curious. These offenders also can’t go to corn field mazes and other common Halloween attractions. Good to know that Joe Sex Offender can't dress up as Johnny Depp’s character from Pirates of the Caribbean and attend an adult Halloween costume party, I feel so much safer, thanks state of Tennessee.
- Am I the only one that’s horribly ashamed to live in a country whose music chart currently sports not one but two singles from the weasel-voiced, Michael Jackson wannabe, Justin Timberlake? It would help if this glorified American Idol rip-off didn’t inhale a tank of helium before he sings, but even that wouldn’t be enough. How awesome is it to see him try to grab some cred by collaborating with Timbaland on his new album, as if that can cover up the depths of his suck-itude. Are there really that many teenage girls out there buying albums and songs off of iTunes that Timberlake is so high on the charts? Yikes.
- Following up on a previous observation, the CW network has suffered its first show casualty of the season. Runaway, the hack-job of a show that replaced beloved drama Everwood, was yanked after three episodes. A few more moves like this and CW head honcho Dawn “Shoulda been an Enron exec” Ostroff will win the “Network Executive of the Year” award before November sweeps are over. And if you think this is just another excuse to take a shot at Ostroff and her team of brainless buffoons at the CW, you would be right. But they’ve earned it, and for the Everwood decision alone have earned at least another five years of outright mockery.
- Hands down the best show on TV most every week has been Veronica Mars this season. That the show is struggling to gain a bigger following is a shame, because nowhere else can you find the same smart, sarcastic and laugh out loud goodness that this show offers week in, week out. The butchering of the show’s opening credits and theme song notwithstanding (seriously, it looks like a bad impression of an early Law & Order season credits), the show itself is great. If none of its actors or writers receive Emmy nominations this year, it will only further solidify the Academy’s absolute ignorance and stupidity in honoring the truly great shows on TV.
- Election Day is just a week away, whooooo! Not excited, you say? Me neither. What’s so fun about voting for secretary of state, state auditor, county commissioner and the like? Somebody has to do it, I guess, and most years, I’ll go ahead and vote even though I’d rather not. This year I’m not feeling the urge, and I’m tempted to skip just to give the finger to all of the annoying candidates who fill my TV screen with ads 24/7 decrying the horrible deficiencies of their opponents while extolling their own amazing virtues. Here’s an offer: I will promise to vote for any candidate who can prove that they have never run a single TV or radio ad. Leave me alone and I’ll vote for you, sound like a good deal?
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