Quitting The Darkness, stealing Kentucky liquid gold and creating your own fake nation

- Made-up countries are the best. They are magical worlds where rules are made up, people get to leave behind a world they don’t like and the impossible(y ridiculous) is possible. They are places like Liberland, population 250,000 – logic, common sense and reality not among them. Who is an integral part of this land of loose grips on reality is self-professed Czech Libertarian politician Vít Jedlička, a member of the Conservative Party of Free Citizens. Jedlička claims to have created a new, sovereign country on the Croatian-Serbia border where citizens decide their own tax burden, property and individual rights are respected and the national motto is "Live and Let Live." This nut bag has actually appointed himself president of the Free Republic of Liberland, a “micronation,” located on the banks of the Danube River in a 2.7-square-mile patch of what he says is unclaimed territory. As Jedlička sees it, neither neighboring nation claimed the land when they established their borders following the breakup of Yugoslavia so international law gives him a clear path to stake his claim. “The objective of the founders of the new state is to build a country where honest people can prosper without being oppressed by governments making their lives unpleasant through the burden of unnecessary restrictions and taxes,” the newly (fake) minted nation declares in a statement that could be a precursor to Liberland's constitution. Neither Croatia nor Seriba seems to take Liberland seriously, but an undeterred Jedlička said he has already received about 250,000 applications for citizenship and those people have already been approved even though most will never get within a long walk to reality of the country. Not only that, the faux president claims Liberland has already received commitments from various investors, including one who is willing to set up a telecommunications infrastructure. Yes sir, big things poppin’ and little things like reason and sanity be stoppin’ here in Liberland……..

- Phoenix Suns forwards Marcus and Markieff Morris are twins who are freakishly joined together, to the point that when negotiating their new contracts, they had the team set aside a pool of money for them and were allowed to divide it up as they saw fit. But even for super-close twins, this might be taking it a step too far. The Morris twins have been charged with felony aggravated assault following an incident on January 24 at a Phoenix recreation center and if you believe police, they were two of five men involved with the alleged assault of a man at the Nina Mason Pulliam Recreation Center. Toss in Gerald Bowman, a safety at USC who is preparing for this year's NFL draft, and you have three current or future professional athletes allegedly beating the hell out of one man. The Morris’ twins’ agent, Leon Rose, said he was confident his clients would be cleared in the beating of Erik Hood, who alleged that he attended a basketball tournament at the recreation center. He saw the Morris brothers enter the gym with three other men: Bowman, Julius Kane and Christopher Melendez and after the game, he claims Kane confronted him while he was struck from behind on the head by Melendez. When Hood attempted to run to his car, he was too woozy and fell to the ground, where he was then repeatedly punched and kicked by all five suspects. A female companion of Hood witneses the alleged attack and Hood was taken to the emergency room at Phoenix Baptist Hospital, where he was treated for a broken nose, bruises and abrasions. Given that he also claims to have known the Morris brothers since they were in high school and that he mentored the brothers through college, this whole situation is bizarre, as is the fact that police say that Hood was assaulted for sending "an inappropriate text message" to the Morris brothers' mother some time before the incident…………

- In Kentucky, you do NOT f*ck with the state’s unofficial official beverage. You most definitely don’t do what nine sticky-fingered criminals are accused of doing by hijacking such a massive quantity of bourbon whiskey that even Kentucky authorities say it was more bourbon whiskey than one person could drink in a lifetime. Those nine people were indicted earlier this week and are accused of being rogue distillery workers who spent years and years thieving tens of thousands of dollars' worth of whiskey from two prominent bourbon makers — the Buffalo Trace and Wild Turkey distilleries. Pinpointing the exact date this chicanery began has proven difficult, but authorities believe the criminal syndicate operated since 2008 or 2009. In the indictments, the booze-boosting ring is linked to two highly publicized heists in the world's bourbon-producing hub — the theft of barrels of Wild Turkey bourbon earlier this year and the disappearance of Pappy Van Winkle bourbon. Pappy Van Winkle is both über-rare and extremely valuable and stealing even one bottle of it is enough to send the entire Bluegrass State into a disappointingly sober furor. According to The Man, the recovered whiskey alone is worth at least $100,000 and while there are precious few details about precisely how these men jacked so much high-alcohol booze or what they expected to do with their ill-gotten gains, the balls they showed by taking so many barrels and expecting to get away with it is impressive on some level. In the end, they were either not smart enough to get away with it, got greedy or some combination of the two and so this criminal crew will face the wrath of a judicial system that is going to be mighty miffed that a national treasure was taken from it………….

- Being a member of The Darkness must not be a lot of fun. If it were, new drummer Emily Dolan would not be on her way out the door less than two months after making her live debut with the over-the-top Canadian glam rockers. Dolan - who was formerly a session musician for Bryan Ferry and Tricky – first appeared with Justin Hawkins and his bandmates on March 6, but she has left the band to pursue "new projects.” It’s the sort of statement you might expect to hear from someone who has been a part of a group for years instead of weeks, but at least the band released a statement trying to put a positive spin on the mess. It reads in part, "We part ways with fond farewells. Emily played a huge part in the recording of our new album 'Last Of Our Kind' and makes a final appearance in the video for our single 'Open Fire', which is coming to a screen near you soon… Good luck, Emily!" It seems unlikely that the band foresaw itself having to try and shine up this musical monkey turd when it happily welcomed Dolan into its ranks at the start of the year when she replaced founding member Ed Graham, who left The Darkness at the end of 2014. "Ed has had some well-publicized health problems in the past. And for one reason or another, he wasn't capable of doing his job anymore,” Hawkins said at the time. “We're still friends with Ed. But now that we have Emily in the band, the worry is gone." As for “Last Of Our Kind,” it is due out June 1 and it will be the first and only Darkness album featuring Dolan’s drum stylings………

Why MLB matters now, "Star Wars" spin-offs begin and German rail workers rage

- Rise up, mistreated German train drivers of the world. The ongoing battle ‘twixt a union representing drivers for railway operator Deutsche Bahn and the company has dragged on for months and while there aren't any groundbreaking issues at stake here, the fair treatment of the working man is always worth talking – and fighting – about. The union has called on its members to strike Wednesday and Thursday in a long-running dispute with the national railway operator and that’s bad news for anyone looking to take one of the many beautiful routes across Deutschland on its thousands of miles of rail line. According to the GDL union, passenger services will be hit from 2 a.m. Wednesday through 9 p.m. Thursday and while that isn't exactly the sort of negotiating hammer that will bring Deutsche Bahn to its knees, it’s better than merely walking off the job for a day. Coupled with freight train workers walking off the job Tuesday afternoon and returning to work Friday morning, it gives the union some more momentum in its push to achieve its stated goal of a 5-percent pay increase and shorter working hours. Those are demands that damn near every employee of every company in the world would make if they could, but the union is determined to negotiate not just for train drivers but for other railway staff who are traditionally represented by a larger rival union. It’s an ambitious ploy on one that could end in a giant, fiery ball of failure, but everyone knows that when you’re trying to bring a massive, government-run rail line to its knees, you go big or you go home and drown yourself in the world’s best beer……….

- Hey people who missed out on being selected to die in space as part of the Mars One mission, there’s a slightly more Earth-bound and less final alternative for you. You may not be headed to space to die in oblivion with a bunch of other losers, but you can take up residence in an old Montana gold mining outpost that has become a ghost town but is starting its rebound – with the help of four history buffs to be chosen by the U.S. Bureau of Land Management. The agency is offering four folks who believe that that damn technology is ruining our lives to live in Garnet, a preserved mining town on public land in Montana, where they will help to maintain the town sans the creature comforts of modern times. “It’s primitive, to say the least,” U.S. Bureau of Land Management Ranger Nacoma Gainan said. “It’s for people who love the outdoors and want to give back. There’s no electricity, no Wi-Fi and no running water. But there are trails to explore, artifacts to inspect. Volunteers are really left to their own devices after the visitors are gone.” Response to the offer has been strong and the BLA has received interest from 400 would-be Ted Kaczynski’s when all the needed was four. The volunteer residency program is conducted every September and usually lasts about a month, with those chosen stationed in quarters consisting of a private, furnished cabin with propane and wood stoves and a refrigerator. There is obviously no monetary compensation, but volunteers receive a food stipend, which they earn by providing visitor information, leading tours and staffing souvenir stands. They work until 4:30 p.m., after which the town turns into their own personal loser paradise. For fun, they can work with maintenance teams for the town or assist with special events and developing exhibits……….

- Speaking of nerds, dorks and losers…… Disney and LucasFilm have revealed plot details for Star Wars spin-off film “Rogue One.” The film is the first in a wave of Star Wars spin-offs being developed by Disney and LucasFilm and while the details were few in the tweet announcing the plot, fanboys will parse every word for meaning and significance about the project starring British actress Felicity Jones, who received an Oscar nomination earlier this year for her performance in “The Theory Of Everything.” “A band of resistance fighters unite for a daring mission to steal the Death Star plans in Star Wars anthology film, Rogue One,” the tweet reads. Godzilla director Gareth Edwards will helm the movie and work from a script by Chris Weitz, the Oscar-nominated writer of “Cinderella,” “About A Boy” and “Antz.” At a dork symposium, er, Star Wars Celebration event in Anaheim, California, LucasFilm President Kathleen Kennedy revealed that the collection of spin-off films will officially be known as the Star Wars Anthology Series. A panel discussion during the event gave the pale, pasty basement dwellers in attendance a first look at a brief teaser clip for “Rogue One.” Within minutes, low-quality copies of the footage shot by smartphone were uploaded to YouTube, sparking a minor tiff that ended with the clips being yanked down following copyright claims by Disney and LucasFilm. “Rogue One” is due to start shooting this summer in London with a target release date of December 16, 2016. "I couldn't sit in a cinema and know that someone else made this film," Edwards set at the nerd unity rally when speaking about why he signed on – besides the massive paycheck and blank check for the film’s budget – to direct a movie guaranteed to make boatloads of money simply because the words Star Wars will be attached to its name………

 

- Major League Baseball is having its usual tough time grabbing much of the sports spotlight in the early weeks of the season. The NBA playoffs are revving up, even the NHL postseason is drawing eyeballs and with less than 10 percent of the MLB season in the books, there is still far too long to go for the casual fan to give a damn about America’s national pastime. That’s why moments like the ones that went down Sunday in the finale of the Oakland-Kansas City series are a great thing for baseball, even if the powers that be would never say so. One day after Royals ace Yordano Ventura was ejected after hitting Oakland third baseman Brett Lawrie with a pitch following Josh Reddick's home run, the two teams continued their mutual disdain society with a series of flare-ups in which four more Royals were ejected. The benches emptied for the third straight day simply because Royals reliever Kelvin Herrera threw a 100 mph fastball shoulder-high behind Lawrie in the eighth inning and to the casual observer, it might seem the Royals have a bit of a beef with that particular player. Herrera didn’t exactly pretend like it was an accident and after he was ejected, he pointed at his head as he left the field. Royals bench coach Don Wakamatsu also was tossed by plate umpire Greg Gibson and even Athletics closer Sean Doolittle, who is on the disabled list, jumped into the fray via social media. “Bush league. Don't point at your head after you throw at someone that's hot garbage,” Doolittle tweeted.  Wakamtasu was ejected rather than Royals manager Ned Yost because Yost was long gone, having gotten the heave-ho in the first after Lorenzo Cain was hit by a pitch from Scott Kazmir. Yost came out to argue and was immediately ejected and so was pitching coach Dave Eiland. This all may or may not have something to do with Lawrie's hard slide into Alcides Escobar, which injured the shortstop's knee Friday and caused the benches to clear. It was easily the most heated series of the young season and could be the kind of accelerant that makes this a bitter and ugly rivalry for years to come. Win and win………

Losers with ukuleles, funny-looking MLB hats and drug busts v. rap concerts

- This is one of the dangers of going to a show for a hip-hop group that knows what it means to embrace the rap lifestyle. Sometimes, you show up expecting a full night of bass, badass rhymes and lots of secondhand marijuana smoke and instead, you get a truncated evening of music that ends far too soon because two members of a three-man group are arrested mid-show for felony drug and gun possession. Such was life for those attending Georgia Southern University's Spring Bling concert over the weekend and vibing to the stylings of Migos. The evening was off to a great start until police arrived and ordered a venue manager to stop the music. One the sound stepped, Migos and their crew (which totaled at least 15) left the stage to be questioned by the authorities. It took just a few minutes before members Quavo and Offset were detained for felony possession of a number of narcotics, including cocaine, Oxycontin and codeine. Mix in charges of carrying a loaded gun on school property and misdemeanor marijuana possession and it was the sort of evening that both boosts street cred and wipes out the small amount of money you would have made from playing a college party, but putting a price on the memories made for those in attendance is simply impossible. The third member of the group, Takeoff, wasn’t arrested even though other members of the crew were. Migos are actually from Georgia and are currently preparing to release their debut LP 'Y.R.N.: Tha Album,’ which is due out June 16 and now has an extra publicity boost to help get it rolling……..

- Russia, you done gone too far this time. You can invade Ukraine, you can try to annex Crimea and you can threaten to run roughshod over everyone who tries to tell you that you can't simply take over the world because you feel like it, but when you pick a fight with Norway, sh*t is about to get real. The Scandinavian power has demanded that Moscow explain why Russia's deputy prime minister visited the Norwegian Arctic Svalbard islands despite sanctions imposed on him by the EU and Norway and if Norway makes a demand of you, you had best come correct and ANSWER THE DAMN QUESTION. Norwegian Foreign Ministry spokesman Frode Andersen called Dmitry Rogozin's visit "regrettable” and demanded an explanation. He noted that his ministry had informed the Russian Embassy in Oslo earlier this year that people on the sanctions list "are not wanted on Svalbard.” Being on the banned list for Svalbard could be construed as a reputation booster for the right person and it’s not as if Rogozin could deny that he visited, not when his Twitter account included a photo of him purportedly in Svalbard with the text "arrived in Longyearbyen on Svalbard." Andersen said Norway was considering options "to reinforce measures for travel to Svalbard,” but didn’t elaborate. Given the impending Russian invasion that seems to be inevitable any time Vlad Putin is involved, keeping the details under wraps is always a wise choice………

- New York Mets reliever Alex Torres: trailblazing pioneer. His peers may mock him and think he’s weird for becoming the only major leaguer to wear the new approved version of the first MLB-approved padded pitcher's cap with the padding on the outside, but he should pay those haters no mind. Torres entered Saturday night's game in the ninth inning to stop the bleeding after the Miami Marlins already had scored three times to cut New York's lead to 5-4. Proving that the new cap, aimed at reducing the impact of balls striking pitchers in the head, is not a hindrance to doing your job and doing it well is a good first step in wider acceptance for it. "It felt OK, felt a little weird the first time using that kind of model," Torres said. "I don't think about that, I just go to the mound to make that out we needed to win the game.” Torres wore the initial padded cap last year, but the company behind the isoBLOX padding removed it from inside the cap in an effort to address its lack of acceptance from pitchers other than Torres. MLB and players' association approval finally came just before the season and the new padding to match teams' official New Era caps is just now being completed, said Bruce Foster, CEO of 4Licensing Corp., whose subsidiary Pinwrest makes the padding. Last season, while with the San Diego padres, Torres got a lot of attention when he began wearing the visibly bulkier padded cap, to the point that the Hall of Fame obtained one to put on display. Rocking one with exterior padding looks a bit bizarre, but that’s merely because it’s new and different. Give it time, y’all………

- Congratulations, losers in the Little Tokyo neighborhood of Los Angeles. For the second straight year, you tools wasted valuable hours of your life organizing and gathering for a truly pointless attempt to set a new mark for the largest ensemble of ukuleles and for the second straight year, you failed miserably. A collection of 1,102 participants got together to play the Hawaiian instrument that looks like a mini guitar and in what can only be described as five minutes of auditory agony for anyone unfortunate enough to be in their immediate vicinity, they played the same song for those five minutes in a state of blissful ignorance when it came to the fact that they weren't even halfway to setting the record, which was turned in by a massively loser-ific crowd of 2,370 tools in England several years ago. The funniest part of this whole charade – and yes, finding humor in this painful moment for humanity is über-difficult – is that even if the Los Angeles crowd had managed to break the record set by a bunch of British ass hats, they may have only had the record for a few weeks. A recent gathering in Tahiti claimed to have attracted an as-yet-unverified 4,750 participants, which probably means 250 people showed up and event organizers did a little bit of creative math in an effort to make their tiny island nation a bit more relevant. There is a definite sense of sadness for humanity that so many people from so many different places around the world are devoting time to breaking an inane and hollow record and they all seem to be wholly oblivious to how pathetic they truly are. If anyone wants to hold a massive international bonfire and take care of every ukulele in the world before another gaggle of misfits has the temerity to attempt a record-breaking effort of their own, now that would be a truly beautiful and uplifting moment for all of mankind………

Pansies for potholes, jokes about Robert Plant and Cuban electoral firsts

- Los Angeles Kings center Jarret Stoll should really think about pacing himself. Sure, the offseason just started and it seems like before you know it, he’ll be trudging off to training camp for another season on the grind, but it really isn't necessary to pack an entire offseason of debaucherous and downright criminal activity into a single night. That seems to be the goal for the man who would appear to be living the high life as a successful professional athlete, a multimillionaire and the boyfriend of Fox Sports reporter and "Dancing with the Stars" co-host Erin Andrews. He lives and works in southern California and that’s pretty solid too, but clearly not enough to satisfy this wildman’s lust for life. Not if he’s getting picked up by Las Vegas police for suspected cocaine possession at the MGM Grand Hotel's Wet Republic pool complex. Not only was he rolling an unspecified amount of the Colombian nose candy, but he is also accused of possessing Ecstasy. It sounds like a hell of a Vegas weekend – or at least it would have been if the cops hadn't ruined this party before it really got started. The Kings issued a statement saying they were aware of the reports and little else. "Our organization is concerned and has begun conducting a thorough internal investigation," the team's statement said. "While we continue to actively gather facts, we are withholding further comment at this time." Maybe Stoll was looking for some stress relief because he will become an unrestricted free agent July 1 after struggling this season, tallying just six goals and 11 assists in 73 games..........

- These are rare and mysterious times in Cuba. In a curious and fortuitous twist of fate, two dissidents made it past a first round of voting and are standing as candidates in municipal elections being hailed as an unprecedented test of Cuba's single-party system. Both men expect to win the second round this weekend and if they do, they would become the first officials elected from outside the Communist Party since the first electoral law was established by Fidel Castro's government in 1976. Many believe dissidents Hildebrando Chaviano and Yuniel Lopez merely being on the ballot shows that Cuba's leadership may relinquishing its Vulcan death grip on its control of the island’s politics and perhaps even using this occasion as a loud sign of liberalization.The two men couldn’t be much more different as Chaviano, 65, and Lopez, 26, are at opposite ends of life’s spectrum. Yet both men believe the government was caught off guard by the support for their candidacies in the first round of candidate selection. It makes sense because that round of the process happens at gatherings of neighbors at the district level, so perhaps local officials didn't have time to organize enough to stop them. "Some people say that there's fear in Cuba, and I say that people have lost a lot of their fear," said Lopez, an unemployed member of the three-decade-old Independent and Democratic Cuba Party. "I already feel like I've won." Well that’s a loser’s mentality if there ever was one. Lopez, stop thinking like a 15th seed who spring a massive upset in the first round of the NCAA Tournament and almost doesn’t bother to show up for the next game. Chaviano’s tale is a good one, as he’s a former government lawyer who decided to seize an opportunity provided by both the letter of Cuban law, which offers theoretical protection to independent candidacies. "We have to take advantage of the moment," Chaviano said. Yes you do, Hildo-rama, and there is no moment like the present………

- Sometimes, the best dreams come true start out as ridiculous jokes uttered with zero degrees of seriousness. Major Lazer producer Diplo knows this and it’s why a man who doesn’t belong in the same musical zip code as an all-time icon like Robert Plant is making a concerted push to team up with the Led Zeppelin frontman. Earlier this month, Diplo posted a picture of himself with Plant on Instagram and tagged it with the caption: "Collab coming soon." He later admitted the post was merely a joke on his part after meeting Plant while on tour, but said cracking the joke has actually inspired him to make Plant the latest big name with whom he has worked. "I was on tour with Robert Plant down in South America and we never did anything together, I just wrote that on my Instagram,” Diplo said. “It seemed like it was so insane that no one would take it seriously but now I’m actively going to look for him to do a collaboration. The reason I even approached him backstage is because he beat me for the Grammy Record of the Year four years ago. I told him that was my only chance to get that award and you and Alison Krauss ruined it for me, but I still want to get a photo with you anyway." To his limited credit – because his music sucks ass without question – Diplo does recognize how talented Plant is and said the rock legend spent half an hour talking to him about music when they met. It’s a nice story, D, but it doesn’t mean he’s going to want to lock himself in a studio with you for a few days to make music that will be much worse for your involvement………

- Calling a government’s attention to real world problems can be difficult. You can riot if you’re bold enough and that’s an awesome first option, but rising up in revolt isn't for everyone. Some like simpler, quieter and less violent solutions and for people like that, there are tactics like those used by Schenectady, N.Y. resident Elaine Santore. Santore, the director of a local not-for-profit organization that helps retirees remain in their homes, isn't the rioting kind and so the upstate New York woman attacked the post-winter pothole problem in her hometown by filling in the road craters with pansies. Yes, pansies. Following months of brutal winter weather than left the streets of Schenectady looking like the surface of Edward James Olmos’ face, city public works crews started fixing up the pavement as best they could. Alas, it was not fast enough and so a few locals began filling in the holes themselves. Santore chose a more colorful path, electing to plant the flowers to make a statement about the problem and to make people smile after what she called "a horrible winter." The funny thing is, her plan of attack seems to have worked because of the 10 holes she filled with flowers over three days starting Monday, all have now been fixed by city crews. Ever the realist, Santore took a pragmatic approach to the situation. "I knew something would happen to them," she said. "Either people would take the flowers or they would be filled in. The winter was so hard on everybody and so depressing. I wanted to do something creative to solve a problem we have every year and bring a smile to people's faces." It’s a nice idea, E., but nothing affects change like a well-lit Molotov cocktail lobbed through the window of the city’s mayor or manager………

Tame Impala v. men, doctors + hitmen and a dictator's daughter seeks to be president

- If you hated dear old dad the despot, maybe you’ll like his daughter, Guatemala. Efrain Rios Montt is a former dictator facing charges of genocide for massacres committed during his 1982-83 regime in the Latin American nation and while he presided over one of the bloodiest periods of Guatemala's civil war and oversaw a period in which about 245,000 people were killed or disappeared during the 1960-96 conflict and the vast majority of killings blamed on the army and paramilitary groups, his daughter his hoping that the people won't hold that against her. Zury Rios Sosa is running for president and the three-time member of congress announced that she would accept the nomination of the Christian conservative Vision with Values party to compete in general elections later this year. "Before God and all of you, I take the responsibility and the decision to return to the political arena, to public politics, to the office of a public servant, to submit myself to the judgment of the people," she said. She still has the stink of her father’s legacy hanging over her, but she was only  14 years old when her father, an army general, seized power in a coup. She certainly didn’t make the choice to suspend the constitution and launch a brutal campaign against political dissidents, nor was she convicted in 2013 of genocide and crimes against humanity for the killings of 1,771 Mayan Indians by soldiers under her father’s command. Hell, she even married Jerry Weller, who at the time was a Republican U.S. congressman from Illinois, in 2004. Sosa declined to comment on whether her father's legal case could affect her race and also seems to believe it won't be an issue that when he was in Congress,  her husband was named one of the most corrupt members of the House……….

- Look at Australian rockers Tame Impala, trying to make a deep social statement with their lyrics and inspiring an entire gender to do more and be better. The band is readying its third album and one of the tracks on it has already created a bit of a stir. “Cause I’m A Man” is not your average rock jam and despite what it’s title implies, it doesn’t laud dudes’ ability to do and say whatever the hell they want just because. In fact, frontman Kevin Parker says the song is actually about how weak men are and how they should be much better. "Lyrically I’m not usually that out there and straight up saying things, but it’s meant to be really tongue-in-cheek at the same time,” Parker said. “The song is about how weak men are, basically, and how we make all these excuses but really we’re just these odorous male members of the animal kingdom. We don’t have any self-control and are pathetic, basically. Again, that was probably a bad description of the song, but I guess I’ll let people figure it out for themselves." He went on to say that he hopes people won't perceive the song as sexist, but noted that was a distinct possibility “because people have whack interpretations of things sometimes." With or without insightful lyrics and regardless of who it offends and why, “Currents” is still a much-anticipated follow-up to the band’s well-received 2012 release “Lonerism.” But now that Parker has laid out the logic behind “Cause I’m A Man,” the rest of the album has a high standard to live up to………

- It’s a cutthroat world in the arena of New York cardiology. Not only are there patients who, you know, are counting on their doctors to save their lives, but rival doctors are apparently beefing with one another and engaging in turf wars heated enough to compel them to hire hitmen to take out their rivals. Meet Dr. Anthony Moschetto, a suburban New York cardiologist has been charged in connection with a failed scheme to have another physician hurt or killed. The not-so-good doctor pleaded not guilty to criminal solicitation, conspiracy, burglary, arson, criminal prescription sale and weapons charges in connection to what prosecutors called a plot to take out a rival doctor on Long Island. The case is serious enough that Moschetto had to post a $2 million bond and surrender his passport. Two co-conspirators, James Chmela and James Kalamaras, also pleaded not guilty and were released on bail. Moschetto's attorney, Randy Zelin, said his client "will be defending himself vigorously.” “Doctors are supposed to ensure the health and wellbeing of people, but Dr. Moschetto is alleged to have replaced that responsibility with brazen, callous and criminal acts," Acting Nassau District Attorney Madeline Singas said in a statement. The entire story is so bizarre and over-the-top, with police officers allegedly discovering approximately 100 weapons at Moschetto's home, including hand grenades, high-capacity magazines and knives. Grenades and knives? Was this guy looking to off a rival or stage a coup in a Third World nation? There was even a hidden room behind a switch-activated bookshelf to conceal many of the weapons and this case got rolling a few months ago when undercover officers began buying heroin and oxycodone pills from Moschetto in what was initially a routine investigation into the sale of prescription drugs. The doctor later (allegedly) sold the officers two semiautomatic assault weapons as well as ammunition, prosecutors said, and told them that he needed dynamite to "blow up a building." He ultimately went with arson instead of incendiary devices, and here we are trying to sort the whole mess out in court………..

- Kris Bryant has found the place where he belongs. The top prospect made his major league debut Friday, one day after he was called up from a totally transparent two-week minor league stint to start the season so the Chicago Cubs ensured he can't be eligible for free agency until after the 2021 season, and his first MLB game proved he is a Cub to the core. Bryant struck out in his first three at-bats against James Shields in the Cubs’ 5-4 loss to San Diego. After the Cubs selected Bryant's contract from Triple-A Iowa and immediately inserted him into their starting lineup as the cleanup hitter and third baseman, he proceeded to whiff on three pitches for an inning-ending strikeout following a two-out walk to Anthony Rizzo in the bottom half of the first inning. He received a standing ovation before the at-bat and as the crowd snapped photos, Bryant went to work living up to his lengthy future with the Cubs. He batted again in the fourth inning, quickly fell behind 0-2 before working the count full and then swinging over another changeup. His final strikeout came in the bottom of the fifth after the Cubs scored twice and he was able to bring the rally to a screeching halt to by striking out on a cutter with runners at second and third. To Bryant’s credit, he played solid defense and one day doesn’t define his worthiness to help the Cubs win their first World Series title in 107 years, but having the most-hyped player to come through your organization in years look badly overmatched and fall flat on his face in his debut is so befitting the most snakebitten and perennially inept team in baseball that it’s almost sad………

Blade Runner's awful sequel, Riot Watch! Chile and TSA patdown groping

- That screaming baby in the middle seat of coach doesn’t sound so terrible now, does it air travelers? Sure, that brat is going to make your life hell for two and a half hours, but at least he won't be groping you under the guise of national security. No, the only ones doing that are two Transportation Security Administration screeners who have been fired after conspiring to grope attractive men at Denver International Airport. Denver police confirmed that the male TSA officer would pick out men he thought were attractive and alert his female cohort. She would then tell the screening machine that a female passenger -- not a male -- was walking through and when something showed up on the screen in the ground area, the machine would register an anomaly, prompting the male TSA officer to pat down the passenger. Had it been the lady agent doing the pat down and had she been hot, maybe dudes would have had less of an issue with it. Instead, this skeevy male agent used the palms of his hands to touch the passenger's front groin area and buttocks, which violates TSA policy. The groping ring came to light after an anonymous tip from a TSA employee in November. The agency launched an investigation and investigator Chris Higgins monitored the two TSA officers in question, according to Denver police. Higgins saw these two scumbags carry out their sexual assault operation on February 9 and when he interviewed the female TSA officer, she caved quickly and admitted she had done this with her colleague at least 10 other times. Both agents have since been fired and while authorities did not release their names, the TSA called the incident deplorable. "These alleged acts are egregious and intolerable," the agency said in a written statement. "All allegations of misconduct are thoroughly investigated by the agency. And when substantiated, employees are held accountable." Sadly, criminal charges are unlikely because there is no identifiable victim. But if you passed through the Denver airport in recent months and received an unusually thorough pat down…….

- Speaking of holding employees accountable….welcome to the party, NBA. The Association has lagged behind when it comes to making sure its players aren't gaining an unfair edge by something they can inject or ingest, but starting next season the league will do a bit more to ensure the playing field remains level for one and all. NBA players will be blood-tested for human growth hormone starting in the fall, the league and the players' association announced. Testing will start during training camp and during the course of a calendar year, all players will be subjected to three random, unannounced tests annually -- two during the season and once in the offseason. Those found to be HGH-ing up will receive a 20-game suspension for a first violation and a 45-game ban for a second violation. Anyone dumb enough to test positive twice and come back for more in the hopes of finally dekeing that damn test the third time – and there will be someone - will be banned for life. This all comes four years after owners and players agreed during collective bargaining negotiations in 2011 to determine a process for how HGH testing could be implemented. No need to rush into it, y’all. After all, it’s not like you have a league full of hyper-competitive freaks who are scratching and clawing around the clock for any way to gain the slightest competitive edge to keep their career alive or rise up to the next level and earn a big contract extension. The league hasn't previously done blood testing, but getting with the times and using the technology available to you is often a good thing……….

- Riot Watch! Riot Watch! It was on this week in Santiago, Chile, where thousands of students marched through the streets of the capital to protest recent corruption scandals and to complain about delays in a promised education overhaul. Raging against corruption is always cool, while rioting because the government isn't overhauling the educational system as quickly as you think it should is decidedly less badass, but getting thousands upon thousands to come out for the demonstration is impressive regardless. How many people were there depends on whom you ask. If you chat with police, who want to do everything possible to make the gathering seem as minor as possible, there were a mere 20,000 protestors on hand. If you ask the event’s student organizers, the crowd was more than seven times that large, about 150,000. The good news is that while the gathering was largely peaceful, violence broke out at the end when hooded protesters threw rocks and gasoline bombs at police. Props to those bold souls, whoever they are, and even if they had nothing to do with the cause of the protest and merely used the riled-up scene to further their own angry agenda. Past student marches focused on pressuring President Michelle Bachelet to fulfill her campaign promise of education reform and this one came from students who say they are tired of waiting for chance and irate about corruption scandals. That would include a controversy over a bank loan involving Bachelet's son and a campaign financing scandal involving right-wing politicians and a prominent financial company, but when you’re already this angry, it doesn’t take too much to push you over the top……..

- It’s still a terrible idea, but the long-awaited sequel to “Blade Runner” is picking up steam and star power as it lumbers forward. Ridley Scott will not direct the sequel to his 1982 sci-fi classic, but he’s already signed on to be an executive producer. Aged-out, grasping-for-fleeting-youth star Harrison Ford is also fully committed and now, he’s going to have some help from a younger co-star who can actually make it through a movie without fracturing his hip or needing a phone call from his grandson and a bag of Werther’s Originals. Ryan Gosling is reportedly in negotiations to star opposite Ford, but the identity of Gosling's character are being kept under wraps. While Scott will keep a safe distance from this one, Denis Villeneuve is set to direct based on a script written by Hampton Fancher, co-writer of the original, and Michael Green, who is also working on Scott's forthcoming Prometheus sequel. While the plot details are closely guarded, the sequel is believed to be set several decades after the conclusion of “Blade Runner.” According to Scott, Ford's iconic character Rick Deckard will not appear in the entirety of “Blade Runner 2.” "Harrison is very much part of this one, but really it’s about finding him; he comes in in the third act,” Scott said. “I think it would be very interesting to revisit the character." Hey R., the character is the reason there’s going to be a damn sequel. Don’t go getting all inventive and revisionist here; stick with what got you the right to make this ill-advised tire fire of a sequel and try to keep it from sucking too much………

MLB error extravaganzas, stolen Georgia cocks and "Celebrity Deathmatch" returns

- Hey America, Sudan might have an idea for you. Both of you have problems getting your citizens to turn out and vote – albeit for different reasons – and both of you would desperately like people to give a damn about the candidates and issues being put before them on the ballot. In the United States, wanting higher voter turnout is about as far as the efforts go. In Sudan, it means announcing a one-day extension of voting in presidential and legislative elections. The election commission announced the decision as three days of voting saw low turnout and chose to ignore the fact that people aren’t showing up largely because the opposition is boycotting the vote and has expressed concerns about fraud and the vote is virtually certain to extend President Omar al-Bashir's 25-year rule despite an economic crisis and insurgencies vexing many parts of the country. Buy hell, why not extend the voting deadline for a day and hope that you can threaten/bribe/buy off more voters to come out and support the only sitting world leader wanted by the International Criminal Court? Al-Bashir is wanted on genocide charges linked to the Darfur conflict and while voting for a man linked to genocide may seem unpalatable, it’s certainly better than potentially having your house burned down and your family kidnapped and sold into forced servitude for not voting or casting a vote for the other guy. It’s almost enough to make American elections seem like a fair, legitimate exercise in democracy involving quality candidates with actual integrity….almost………

- MTV will try just about anything to boost ratings – except playing the music videos from which its name is derived, of course. It will even revive a claymation show that went off the air nearly a decade ago in the hopes of getting eyeballs on screens. Yes, “Celebrity Deathmatch” is set to return over eight years after it last aired and while it’s technically going to be on MTV2 and not MTV, a network is still a network be it first or second-tier. MTV2 has ordered a new season of the cult favorite show, which for the uninitiated is a show featuring hypothetical celebrity rivals fighting against one another in a wrestling ring. The show's creator, Eric Vogel, is leading the revival and will serve as one of its executive producers as the show makes its return. It originally aired for four seasons on MTV between 1998 and 2002 before going away for four years and then making its first return from the dead on MTV2 for two seasons in 2006 and 2007. Among the many faux celebrity battles featured on the show were Madonna vs. Michael Jackson, Bob Marley vs. Shaggy, Dave Grohl and Billy Corgan vs. Courtney Love, Elton John vs. Ozzy Osbourne and Beck vs. Bjork. There was also an epic four-way battle between Paul McCartney, John Lennon, Ringo Starr and George Harrison that came to a close with the tone-deaf Ono being pronounced victor. The show also spawned a video game spin-off that was released in 2003 and it also inspired shock rocker Marilyn Manson, who was featured on the show's first ever episode in a battle with Charles Manson, to pen an original song titled “Astonishing Panorama Of The Endtimes,” which was somehow nominated for a Grammy……….

- The nightmare is over, Athens, Georgia residents. At long last, the hunt for a 10-foot metal rooster stolen from outside an Athens business has come to a fruitful end. Yes, Rocket the Rusty Roster has been found and Lexington Village owner Bonnie Harris is relieved. The search came to a close in a forest, where the runaway rooster was discovered under a pile of wood. The 300-pound sculpture was stolen in late March, about two weeks after it was installed in front of Harris' store. One could easily argue that dropping a 300-pound, extremely conspicuous metal rooster in front of your business without bothering to secure it is tantamount to asking the nearest group of dudes between the ages of 18 and 40 with access to both alcohol and a large truck to thieve it and then try to figure out what to do with it. The sculpture was found in one piece, but it was missing an eye and its beard was gone. Rocket will make a return trip to the artist's studio where it was created for some minor restoration work and will then be returned to its post so the next group of knuckleheads can take a run at stealing it. No arrests have been made in the case and authorities don’t have any idea who left Rocket hidden down a remote logging road, so Athens Clarke-County police Detective Sgt. Rick Hammond and his cohorts have some work to do in order to crack the case of the pilfered cock……….

- When projecting the results of the early weeks of the Major League Baseball season out for the whole year, it’s important to remember that the MLB season is 10 times longer than the 16-game NFL season, so 10 MLB contests are equivalent to one NFL game. In other words, don’t waste time projecting until the Fourth of July is in view. That goes for you too, Washington Nationals shortstop Ian Desmond, you and your six errors in eight games. Make no mistake; Desmond sucks right now at shortstop and even he is at a complete loss for his struggles in the field, but that doesn’t mean he’s going to end the year with 75 errors and a .670 fielding percentage. It’s just that right now….well, it’s ugly. His latest booted ball led to three unearned runs in the seventh inning of an 8-7 loss to the Boston Red Sox and after botching a ground ball by Hanley Ramirez to start the inning, Desmond later didn't make a throw home on a chopper by Brock Holt as the eventual winning run crossed the plate. "It sucks," Desmond said after the game. "I don't know what to do. I'm doing everything I can. Sitting here answering questions after every game is brutal. But, I mean, what am I gonna do?" Just because you have more errors than 18 major league teams have at this point and five of them have led to 10 unearned runs is no reason to panic, I. "Do I worry about it? Of course," Desmond said. "Do I want to get out of it? Of course. I don't ever want it to be part of my game. Every day, I come to the field thinking, 'This is gonna be the day where it goes away.' I do everything I can on the field to get rid of it mentally and physically." Considering that baseball players are just about the most superstitious athletes anywhere, that probably means changing socks, underwear, haircuts, meal choices, pregame music and routes to the park. So far, nothing has helped………

Beastie Boys + Walking Dead, Greenpeace v. Shell and Turks v. nuclear power plants

- The rage is real today and if you weren't feeling the heat of direct dissident disdain for The Man, then you were either drunk and passed out or locked under the mind control of the machine because it’s clear that folks around the globe were intent on making their outrage felt. One such instance came in Turkey, where a ground-breaking ceremony for the construction of parts of the Mediterranean nation’s first nuclear reactor was hijacked by activists who staged an angry protest – and really, is there any other kind – because the plant is forging ahead despite ongoing court cases against the nuclear plant being built by Russia in Akkuyu. This was part riot, part protest and all awesome as demonstrators blocked a gate leading to the ceremony area, briefly preventing officials from leaving the site. Holding high-ranking officials hostage is a solid play regardless of what sort of weapons or threats you use to make it happen and the show of force was so effective that security forces had to use water canons to drive the demonstrators back and allow the suits attending the event to escape. Energy Minister Taner Yildiz said the plant was designed to withstand powerful earthquakes and tried to argue that it was necessary in order for the country to move forward and solidify its place on the world scene. "There cannot be a developed Turkey without nuclear energy,” Yildiz said. The good news for anyone who couldn’t make it out for this riot is that plans for Turkey’s second nuclear plant are already in the works and the government has chosen a French-Japanese consortium to build the plant on the Black Sea coast. There is even a rumor of a third place to reduce the nation's energy dependence, suggesting a brawl between the opposition and The Man that will only get nastier from here……..

- Score another one for a shameless cash grab disguised as a transparent attempt to “give a new identity” to a perpetually disappointing franchise. The Cleveland Browns absolutely NAILED IT when they went from that one shade of orange in their logo to a slightly different shade of orange, knocking the world on its ass in the process. It’s clear the Browns will win a Super Bowl next season with their new motif and that logo will be the reason, so of course the rebuilding Milwaukee Bucks want to gravy train the phenomenon and they did exactly that to begin the week as they unveiled new logos that the team will start using after this season. The Bucks picked a perfect night for the unveiling, as they trotted three new logos out right before they b*tch-slapped one of the most hapless teams in the Association, the Philadelphia 76ers. The forward-facing buck on the current primary logo has been scrapped in favor of what the Bucks are trying desperately to sell as a "fiercer and more aggressive" look. It's an older, 12-point buck instead of an eight-pointer, which clearly makes a difference to anyone who both follows the team and likes spending eight hours in a tree stand on a frigid winter day, waiting like a loser for an antlered quadruped to wander by so they can shoot it. Green is still the dominant color in the primary logo and secondary logo (which is basketball-based and features a stylized "M"), but red – which could represent the blood spilled by those deer hunters – is out in favor of ream, a color with roots in the region's history for a shade of brick found in older Milwaukee buildings. A third logo includes a blue accent and the geographic outline of Wisconsin, a nod to the importance of the Great Lakes in the region, the team said. "How do we create three logos that not only honor our past but also thrust us into a new era and new future of Bucks basketball," Alex Lasry, the team's vice president of strategy and operations, said of the new designs. Look for the Bucks hoisting the Larry O’Brien trophy next June………..

- So you thought the rage against The Man was over? Didn’t you hear the first time we said it? This is a day of rage and it extended all the way to the normally chill city of Seattle, where protesters opposed to offshore drilling in the Arctic are fighting the good fight against exploiting Mother Earth. These tree huggers oppose Arctic offshore drilling and say oil companies have not demonstrated they can clean up a major spill, so they plan use kayaks to meet the 400-foot Polar Pioneer and the heavy-lift vessel called the Blue Marlin that is carrying it when the vessel comes to Seattle for staging. Not so, says the Coast Guard. According to the branch of the military of which no one is afraid, the enviro-kooks will have to stay in safety zones when the drill rig arrives in Seattle. Chief Petty Officer Sara Mooers said a Seattle-bound drill rig and a heavy-lift vessel are expected to arrive in Port Angeles later this week and when they do, protesters will have to stay 500 yards away from a moving vessel and 100 yards from one that is anchored. "We fully support people exercising their First Amendment rights, but there's a lot of activity in Elliott Bay," Mooers said. Uh-huh, sure thing S. It might be your job to lie and cover for The Man, but in this case some honesty about not giving a damn about the planet in favor of exploiting it as severely as possible. Royal Dutch Shell intends to use the rig for exploratory drilling during the summer open-water season in the Chukchi Sea off Alaska's northwest coast if it can obtain the necessary permits and it already won one victory in the case when a U.S. District Court judge granted the company a restraining order against the protesters. The order forbids Greenpeace activists from entering any safety zone around the rig and the Blue Marlin and on Saturday, six Greenpeace activists opposed to offshore drilling in the Arctic abandoned the Seattle-bound drill rig they boarded in the Pacific Ocean on April 6. Expecting these maniacs to actually give up is a stretch, but their fight is only getting tougher……….

- There is life after the Beastie Boys and it has much more to do with the silver screen than slick rhymes and sick beats for at least one member of the iconic rap crew. Ad-Rock, real name Adam Horovitz, recently said that he and fellow surviving member Mike D may collaborate again musically some day without using the Beastie Boys moniker, but for now Horovitz seems to be focusing on thespian endeavors more than finding a studio and a mic to spit rhymes into. He recently acted in Noah Baumbach's acclaimed movie 'While We're Young,' starring alongside Ben Stiller, and seems to have caught the acting bug in a big way. The good news when you’re a well-known public figure who has a massive fan crush on a TV series is that you can probably leverage some or all of your famous person freindships into a guest spot on that show and that’s what Horovitz’s is angling to do with one of his favorite shows, “The Walking Dead.” "I f*cking love that show. Every moment of that show... I would love to be in 'The Walking Dead,'” he said of the show. Not only would he want to appear in the hit AMC series, but Horovitz would also like to have some say in his role. "I don't want to be a zombie. I want to be like [Daryl's] friend from the city. Like a distant relative – 'He's my uncle's friend from New York,'” he added. “They're not going to have that are they? I'd show up with like a PBS tote bad and something from Zabar's - be like, 'Hey, I got lox! Who wants bagels?'" Zombies love bagels too, bro, and with the sixth season of the show set to premiere in October and a spinoff titled “Fear the Walking Dead” also in the works, there should be a spot for an enterprising Beastie Boy at some point……….

John Legend goes Johnny Cash, hockey guy becomes MMA guy and technology is awesome

- Hockey players have long been known as some of the biggest badasses in all of sports. We’re about to find out if that reputation is deserved or if the NHL needs to take a back seat to MMA before the dudes in the banana hammocks grappling inside the octagon slap an arm bar on them. Former minor league hockey enforcer Steve Bosse will be the test case when he makes his UFC debut in the co-main event of UFC 186 in Montreal, facing Fabio Maldonado. Bosse (10-1) will replace former UFC light heavyweight champion Quinton Jackson on the April 25 card at the Bell Centre because Dana White and Co. had no choice but to sideline Jackson after a New Jersey judge issued an injunction prompted by a legal challenge from rival promoter Bellator, which argued Jackson was breaking his contract in re-signing with the UFC. Bosse was an enforcer in Quebec's Ligue Nord-Americaine de Hockey and has carved out a solid reputation for himself in the MMA world, thus his invitation to step up to UFC. He was actually supposed to make his UFC debut last April but pulled out because of a shoulder injury, so this is a match nearly a year in the making. Dana White and a lucrative payday don’t always come a man’s way twice, so Bosse had best make sure to avoid any possible injuries this time around so he can have a fair shot against a man who is ranked 13th among 205-pound contenders by the UFC. Losing a tooth after being checked into the boards in the second period doesn’t exactly measure up to a spinning heel kick that shatters your face, though, so this should be interesting………

- I love technology….not as much as you, you see, but I still love technology, always and forever. Silver screen icon Kip Dynamite sang those memorable words in the 2004 cult classic comedy “Napoleon Dynamite” as part of his movie-ending wedding song and those words fit so perfectly today when it comes to the Rhode Island engineering technology and manufacturing company that is aiming to build the world's largest surfboard. It’s a badass move and Bristol-based mouldCAM is endeavoring to make this dream a reality happen for the Visit Huntington Beach campaign in California, which hopes to break the world record for the most people to catch a wave on a surfboard. Normally the Guinness Book of World Records-envying ass hats who collect the world’s largest ball of yarn or line up in a park with 5,000 other tools to play the opening chords of “Smoke on the Water” in unison so they can set a worthless world record are a blight on humanity, but none of those efforts involved a surfboard measuring 42 feet long by 11 feet wide and capable of holding 62 people. Once this beastly board is built, it will be sent to California to be painted and finished before heading to Huntington Beach. According to project manager and perfectly-named human being Bob Steel, an aerospace engineer is working with the project to make sure the weight distribution is correct on the day of the ride in mid-June. To officially break the record, 62 people must stand on the board for 10 seconds. And a good time will be had by all……..

- Johnny Cash and John Legend? The list of men named John who decided that a correctional facility was a great place for a concert is about to grow as of Thursday when R&B icon John Legend, in an attempt to end mass incarceration, will perform at a correctional facility in Austin, Texas. As part of his new initiative called Free America, the singer-songwriter and also take part in a press conference with state legislators to discuss Texas’ criminal justice system and later this month he will co-host a criminal justice event. "We have a serious problem with incarceration in this country. It's destroying families, it's destroying communities and we're the most incarcerated country in the world, and when you look deeper and look at the reasons we got to this place, we as a society made some choices politically and legislatively, culturally to deal with poverty, deal with mental illness in a certain way and that way usually involves using incarceration,” Legend said. The idea of fighting the growing number of Americans ending up behind bars is a cause Legend has taken up with increased vigor in recent months. When he accepted the award for Best Original Song at the Academy Awards with rapper Common, Legend used part of his speech to raise the profile of the issue. "We know that right now the struggle for freedom and justice is real. We live in the most incarcerated country in the world. There are more black men under correctional control today than were under slavery in 1850,” Legend said at the time. Oh, so it’s not about keeping all people out of prison, but rather about keeping one specific race out of prison. Sing on, Johnny……….

- Dammit all. If we can no longer count on the world of international chess as a bastion of integrity and character in a corrupt and rotting world, then where the hell are we supposed to turn? Don’t answer that question because the truth is too depressing to ponder. Thank Georgian chess champion and disgraced grandmaster Gaioz Nigalidze for that because this scumbag is facing a massive scandal that threatens to ruin his career and his life after his frequent trips to the bathroom at an international tournament in Dubai aroused the suspicions of his opponent, who notified event organizers and set in motion a series of events that won't soon be forgotten. Nigalidze disqualified from the Dubai Open after his opponent in a Saturday match, Armenian Grandmaster Tigran Petrosian, picked up on a pattern in the frequent trips his foe was making to the restroom. Rather than chalk it up to a weak bladder, suspected something was going on. “Nigalidze would promptly reply to my moves and then literally run to the toilet,” Petrosian said following the match. After the latest in a series of bathroom breaks, t he Armenian champion filed a complaint with organizers who then entered the restroom after Nigalidze had returned from one of his visits. A quick investigation revealed that Nigalidze had hidden a smartphone behind the toilet in a cubicle and attempted to cloak it in toilet paper. The phone was connected to a mobile chess application that Nigalidze allegedly used to strategize his next move against Petrosian. Very slick, knob. Nigalidze now faces a 15-year-ban from the game and he gets to become the Rosie Ruiz of international chess………

Bon Jovi's reality show, 73 Syrians and an Iranian in the back of a truck and and NBA offensive futility

- The Jon Bon Jovi empire continues to expand. The man who began his rise to fame as an ‘80s hair rocker and has morphed into a mainstream, commercialized pop music artist also owning an Arena Football League team is branching out once more as the executive producer of a new reality TV show that follows famous musicians as they return to their hometowns to delve into what their life could be like if they went from being a recording artist to a normal, boring person with a regular job. “If I Wasn’t a Rock Star” will be developed by The Weinstein Company, Prototype Entertainment and 3 Ball Entertainment and according to co-producer Bob Weinstein, the series will give fans "a chance to see their favorite stars as they’ve never imagined them before. We can’t wait to see what other amazing talent comes on board.” As for Bon Jovi, who has long portrayed himself as a champion of the everyman in his music, the project is being pushed as all about the common man as opposed to the real stars of the show. "I was drawn to this project simply because it will be a celebration of the working men and women of this country. They are the real rock stars," Bon Jovi said in a statement. The musicians who will get people to watch the show have yet to be announced, but while Bon Jovi is waiting for the lineup to take shape he is reportedly contributing vocals to the next album by Swedish dance musician Avicii. Credit to him for taking the resources and opportunities afforded to him by cranking out years of arena rock and using them to build a major brand for himself, even if he’s nowhere close to the working class hero he likes to fancy himself as………

- It sounds like a bad joke, but it’s actually anything but. Take 73 Syrians and 1 Iranian, aged between 12 and 41, jam them into the back of a truck driven by a Turk and send them on a dark, bumpy ride from Turkey to France. Mix in an abrupt stop at the Romanian-Hungarian border crossing of Nadlac late in the night and it sound very much like an endeavor that had far too much ambition – and possibly some alcohol-fueled thinking – and not nearly enough intelligence in the execution. Romanian border police discovered the 74 immigrants, most Syrians, hidden in the back of a truck that was meant to transport furniture. They stopped the truck because a guard noticed that the back of the truck was slightly open. Buttoning up key details like closing the rear doors of a truck when you get close to the border because getting oxygen to those inside needs to take a backseat to them staying concealed from border guards is something that gets done if you have smart people in charge, but that doesn’t seem to be the case here. The immigrants did not have identity documents, police said in a statement, and the plan was to transport them to France. France is a place that is already teeming with parasitic gypsies who travel there via such treks and land in a new country with no ability to speak the local language and no means of supporting themselves. The Syrians and Iranian could face charges of illegally crossing a border, while the driver is being questioned on suspicion of trafficking migrants. All in all, it’s a bad joke with an even worse punch line and no happy ending for anyone involved…….

- As the scorpion said to the frog in the famous parable about knowing who someone is when you decide to get involved with them, “It’s who I am.” The scorpion delivered that message to the frog after delivering a sting that would kill them both as the latter gave the scorpion a ride across a river because the scorpion could not cross on its own. On Saturday night, the New York Knicks and Orlando Magic were the scorpion and the fans who showed up for fan appreciation night at Amway Center were the frog. The Knicks and Magic entered the night with two of the six worst scoring offenses in the NBA this season, with the Knicks sporting the league’s worst record and the Magic scarcely better at 25-55. Anyone who showed up to see two lottery-bound teams a) had nothing else of worth going on in their life or b) is a glutton for self-inflicted punishment, even if they didn’t know they were going to see an unforgettable, retina-scarring exhibition of historic offensive ineptitude. The two teams combined to score a whopping 15 points in the second quarter, a number that represents the fewest points in a quarter in the shot clock era (since 1954-55), which spans 209,888 quarters played. Furthermore, it was only the third time that both teams scored fewer than 10 points each in a quarter and for the 18 players who saw court time in the fateful second stanza, it’s a moment they will attempt for the rest of their lives to deny that they were a part of. Those 18 ballers are combining to make $31.7 million this season and in the period, Orlando was 3-for-19 from the field and 0-for-4 from 3-point range, while the Knicks were 3-for-20 in the period and 0-for-5 from 3. Mix in nine turnovers and….well, take it away, Knicks guard Tim Hardaway Jr. "It was 8-7 in the second quarter so our defense did a great job of withstanding that quarter,'' Hardaway said. "Even though we didn't score, they didn't score as well so we just had an all-around great game.'' No Tim, you did not………..

- Youth sports so often bring us heartwarming tales of boys and girls whose lives  are a better place because of the lessons they’ve learned and the people they’ve met on the field, court or diamond. But even more often, they bring us tales of a-holes, ass hats and morons who take what should be a simple, fun opportunity to play a game and spend time with friends into a giant case of heartburn for us all. That’s where the tale of one of the country's richest towns and its Little League Baseball system comes in. On one side of the battle is a man who proposed building more accessible housing for low-income families and on the opposite side is a town full of people with multiple BMWs and Land Rovers in their five-car garages. Christopher Stefanoni is the developer who has filed a federal lawsuit in which he claims that residents of Darien, Connecticut are essentially classist, racist pricks who fear that affordable housing will draw black people to town. "Darien is a little white enclave, sort of a holdout segregated town," said Stefanoni. The Harvard-educated father of five who has lived in town since 2000 sees the place he calls home as a town where the attitudes of the locals are “very exclusionary, demeaning.” He also claims his push for affordable housing in a place that consistently appears in Top 10 lists of America's wealthiest towns has caused fallout filtering down to his 9-year-old son, who was demoted to a lower-level Little League team in what Stefanoni calls an act of blatant retribution. “When they go after your kids, they've crossed the line,” he added. For the record, about 94 percent of Darien’s population is white, with about 620 Hispanics and 70 blacks, according to the latest U.S. Census Bureau estimates. Mix in a per-capita income of $95,000 and you have a place that doesn’t scream diversity or inclusion. Stefanoni and his wife, Margaret, filed the lawsuit against the Darien Little League and its leaders over the demotion of their son two years ago and several months later, Stefanoni was banned indefinitely from coaching in the league. League officials have since claimed they made a mistake placing the Stefanonis' son on a higher-level team and simply corrected the error by moving him to another team. As for the affordable housing, plans for a 16-apartment complex with five affordable units and a 30-apartment development with nine affordable units were both sent back to the town's planning and zoning commission for review………..

TV pitchman v. owl, Mumford & Sons + improv and 1 a.m. Olympic fun

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- Feel the rage, Indian region of Kashmir. Angry Kashmiris have shuttered shops and businesses in the disputed Himalayan region to protest India's plan to build townships for Hindus who fled a rebellion in Muslim-majority areas, raging against the idea of accommodating these newly minted nomads. Kashmiri separatists called Saturday's strike because they believe the plan to house nearly 200,000 Hindus in new townships is part of a conspiracy to separate the region's population along religious lines. That’s right, they’re conspiracy theory kooks. Conspiracy theory nut jobs are the best because they have zero attachment to reality and an unnerving commitment to their unrealistic world view. In this case, it’s a truly well-crafted and outlandish conspiracy anchored in the one subject capable of enraging folks like none other, religion. Those are the center of the drama are Hindus, known as Pandits, who fled to Hindu-dominated areas in Jammu region or elsewhere in India in 1990. The strike was nicely paired with violent clashes between anti-India protesters and government forces left at least 20 people injured, including a photojournalist and eight policemen, in Kashmir's main city of Srinagar. All in all, it was an outstanding start to what should be a truly memorable weekend of rage, paranoia, dissidence and hopefully stir the pot for many weeks of uprisings to come. Kick it up a notch, Kashmir, because there’s plenty of mileage left in your warped world view……..

- Will the 2016 Summer Olympics be a giant dumpster fire of a sporting event put on by a country that has been a mess at virtually every turn along the way to hosting the world’s biggest sporting event? Probably, so why not shove that dumpster fire into the one wedge of the day where most potential television viewers will be napping it out and dreaming of a world in which the Games go to a country with both the money and infrastructure to properly host them? Big ups to Olympic organizers who have slated events in such a way that events will run until well after midnight in a town world-famous for its nightlife. The men's and women's beach volleyball finals on famous Copacabana Beach will wrap up about 1:30 a.m. if and only if the day runs on schedule, which of course it won't. Look for a 3 a.m. finale that a bunch of drunk tourists and locals will watch, but most people around the world will ignore in favor of that beloved phenomenon we all call sleep. Beach volleyball will go on for 13 days of the 16 the games are scheduled to cover and there is action at the venue nightly until at least 1 a.m. -- even for preliminary, quarterfinal and semifinal rounds. Rio clearly wants a 24-hour-party image in general and the Games are the perfect setting to showcase that spirit. Rio is in a time zone one hour ahead of the Eastern time zone and four hours ahead of Pacific Standard time, so maybe the West Coast dwellers will have a chance to catch the action if they’re not too busy at the beach or getting Botoxed. Here’s to the epic hangover that attendees of the beach volleyball finals will have when they stagger back to their wildly overpriced hotel room at 4 a.m. and raid the mini-bar……….

- Boy, this is going to bring a lot of never-before-seen shame on the esteemed world of late-night television pitchmen. For such an esteemed, respected lot, it’s just sad to see a story like the one involving Dell "Super Dell" Schanze. Schanze pleaded guilty to charges of kicking a barn owl in flight while riding a motorized paraglider and if that sounds like a hilarious scene of mid-air comedy that someone damn well better have caught on film, you’re in luck. The existence of video proof of the confrontation is the very reason Schanze was in court in Utah. He was charged after a federal investigation into a video that surfaced online last year and appeared to show a paraglider kicking a soaring owl and boasting about it. It turns out that Schanze was that paraglider and for some odd reason, the U.S. Attorney's Office felt the need to hit him with a misdemeanor charge of knowingly using an aircraft to harass wildlife and pursuing a migratory bird. Yes, that law is actually on the books and pleading guilty to is landed Schanze with one year of court probation. He had a proposed plea deal, but it fell through when he amazingly refused to admit to the crime. That was the ultimate eff-you move given that the other side in the case had actual video proof of him committing the very crime of which he was accused. A more creative prosecutor may have asked the judge to sentence Schanze to film a series of cheesy late-night infomercials about helping save the oft-persecuted breed of bird known as the barn owl………

- As entertaining as they may be right now, Mumford and Sons will not go on forever. Sure, Marcus Mumford and his pals are the hot thing in indie-folk right now and lyrically they’re awesome, but eventually their star will fade. Bassist Winston Marshall knows this and it’s why he’s looking ahead to what he’ll do when he hangs up his instrument and must find another way to earn a living. It seems Marshall’s time in and around New York City has inspired him to channel his inner Andy Kaufmann and take improv comedy lessons. Marshall said New York's comedy scene has inspired him to try his hand in classes at the famous Upright Citizens Brigade theater ahead of the band’s release of its third album, “Wilder Mind,” next month. He relocated to New York in 2013 and has become enamored with the comedy scene in the city. The Upright Citizens Brigade is famous for helping launch the careers of comedy favorites like Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, so maybe it can take a hipster icon like Marshall and turn him into the next Kevin Hart. When asked what his most recent monologue at the club was, Marshall said: "I don't know, exactly. It involved condoms and being Jewish." One of his goals for his comedy work is to bring Upright Citizens Brigade to England because as Marshall noted, the Brits “don’t have anything like it." As part of his comedy career, Marshall is also developing comedic web series, although he hasn’t cranked out any hit works just yet. In the meantime, “Wilder Mind” hits the marketplace on May 4 and if the product actually matches the buzz around it, then Marshall won’t have to worry about becoming Jerry Seinfeld 2.0 for at least a few more years………..