Two Catholic-related stories rolled into one, bad news for Las Vegas and good news for N.Y. music fans

- In the interest of conserving a little space while still giving ample coverage to two Catholic related stories, I’m combining the following two topics. First, a controversial New York City sculptor has enraged many Catholics by creating a nude 6-foot chocolate Jesus during Holy Week. Cosimo Cavallaro used 200 pounds of dark chocolate for the sugary creation, but the lack of clothing has riled up many in religious circles. Call me cynical, but I’m guessing that this kind of outrage and controversy is exactly what Cavallaro was after in creating this sculpture. If no one made a fuss about it and ignored it, his reach for attention by concocting the odd and impractical work of art would have gone for naught. However, those outraged Catholics could solve their problems by moving to…….(awkward transition to second part of this story) Ave Maria, a special Cathol-a-centric town in southwest Florida being built by Domino’s Pizza founder Thomas Monaghan. The basic gist of the community is to “espouse traditional Catholic values” (so probably no nude 6-foot chocolate Jesus statues) and to provide a place for like-minded citizens to enjoy one another’s company. Originally, Monaghan had stated that Ave Maria would ban birth control, pornography and abortion, but he has since backed away from those claims. Whether you like the concept of a religious town or if you think, as some detractors have said, it’s a “Catholic Disney World”, you have to admire Monaghan using the ruse religious ideology to sell expensive homes and make himself a real estate fortune. What, you thought that this was some altruistic venture and he was doing good, charitable work? Riiiiiiiight………..with homes reaching a price level of $600,000 something tells me this is more about the green than about the God.

- For the time being, online porn will have to stick to using the conventional “.com” label. The board of the Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers rejected a proposal to lump all of the sick, degenerate freaks of the online porn world into an address format ending in “.xxx”. The label would have been voluntary for porn sites, but members of ICANN worried about who would be charged with deciding what type of content would qualify a site for the .xxx designation. ICM Registry LLC was the company making the proposal, and the 9-5 vote against matter means that no similar proposals will be allowed before ICANN for quite some time. This means you’ll just have to be your own judge on which sites might be porn-related, and as always, words like the following might tip you off: juggs, tits, nude, lesbian action, threesome and barely legal. Something tells me that if you use those words prominently on your site or to advertise it, you’re probably featuring adult fare, whether you have .xxx after your site name or not.

- Child safety alert, child safety alert! In a startling bit of news that I really didn’t like hearing, plastic surgery addict/child molesting (allegedly) freak/former-black-man-turned-white-woman Michael Jackson is now living in Las Vegas. Like the rest of America, I felt a lot better knowing that Jack-O and his freakery were living abroad, but now he’s back in America. Right now would be a good time for Las Vegas (or the state of Nevada in general) to enact a terror-alert color-coding system like our national security color system, except this new system would be for child safety. Parents and guardians of young boys need adequate warning when Jack-O is coming to their area or will be out and about, lest they inadvertently put their son in harm’s way. No word yet on whether Bubbles the chimp has moved to Vegas with Jack-O, nor is there any information about plans to build a new Neverland Ranch in the middle of the desert.

- C.B.G.B.’s may have closed due to a rent dispute in October and left New York without one of it’s musical meccas, but in May, the inaugural High Line Festival should be a great event for music in the city. The festival will be held May 9-19 and will include musical acts such as David Bowie and The Arcade Fire, a nice mix of old and new, as well as film, comedy and performance art. Bowie himself will be selecting musical acts for the event, so you can be sure it’ll be an eclectic and extremely interesting slate of acts. Proceeds will benefit Friends of the High Line, an organization co-founded by Bowie and one that is working with the city to transform the 1930s High Line rail structure into a park. Yet another benefit to living in the world’s most famous city, you get the chance to have festivals filled with top musical acts take place in the streets and in places like Radio City Hall and Irving Plaza.

- As an alumnus of a Mid-American Conference school (Go Akron!), I’m always rooting for the MAC to gain acceptance and recognition as a major conference, even though it continues to be saddled with the “mid-major” moniker. Well, nothing can help to establish your conference as a major like a big-time scandal at one of its member universities. It could be recruiting, it could be a booster scandal, it could be academic fraud or as in the case of the University of Toledo, a major gambling scandal involving a football player. Harvey “Scooter” McDougle Jr., 22, has been charged in connection with a gambling ring that shaved points and fixed the outcome of games for a Sterling Heights, Mich. man identified only as “Gary.” McDougle is charged with recruiting fellow football players at UT and also basketball players to the gambling operation. The case, set in Detroit, currently includes “Gary”, McDougle and others, but as of now, none of the players McDougle recruited to the gambling ring have been charged with any crimes. This is a momentous day for the MAC, and I have a feeling that we’re only one good recruiting scandal and a half-dozen academic fraud cases away from joining the ranks of the true big-time athletic conferences in college sports.

Chaos in Chile, Easter basket hazards and a grrrreat investment opportunity

- Political showdown or spring break gone wild? I’ll leave that question up for debate, because the following skirmish between police and far-left groups observing what they label “The Day of the Young Combatant,” a gathering in honor of two brothers killed by police on March 29, 1985 in a protest against fascist dictator Gen. Augusto Pinochet. On Thursday, police used water cannons and tear gas to disperse hundreds of rowdy high school students in Santiago for the gathering. It’s the water canons and chemicals that make me wonder, because rowdy and likely intoxicated high school students (especially girls) being hosed down and having their gathering marred by chemical usage (granted, tear gas, not necessarily Ecstasy and marijuana)…….sounds like Daytona Beach gone bad. Thankfully, there were no deaths on this day, the protestors made their voice heard and hundreds of Chilean parents got the thrill of going down to the jail to bail out their son or daughter, good times all around.

- Congress ain’t scared of no presidential veto! By a 51-47 vote, the Senate followed the example of the House of Representatives and passed war-funding legislation that contains troop-withdrawal language. By passing the $97.5 billion appropriations bill in its current state, the Senate has directly challenged the president and his stance that we’re pretty much going to be in Iraq from now until the end of time with no real direction or plan. Democratic senators, in what I consider to be a bit of reach, were trying to paint the impending veto by President Bush as an action that will undermine U.S. troops so as to curry support for an overriding of said veto. I sincerely hope that the veto will be overridden, but I doubt it and I definitely think efforts to this end by Democrats will be futile. Sadly, no one is going to be able to save us from the sheer idiocy of our Dumbass-in-Chief until the 2008 election, at which time the American people will be able to choose someone who can help put and end to this debacle. Start the countdown to the inauguration ceremony, to be held in January 2009, folks, it’s only about 21 months away!

- I hate to keep ripping potential treats from the Easter baskets of kids across America, but the Centers for Disease Control have decreed that all you parents considering putting a live baby chick in your child’s basket this Easter should reconsider. The CDC reports that last spring, 81 people in 22 states became ill after contracting salmonella that came from contact with the baby birds. Maybe it’s time to ask if there’s anything to include in your Easter basket that won't potentially give you salmonella or a similar illness. If you recall, last week a recall of several varieties of the Harry London Co. candy known as Cheggs took place because those Cheggs could, like contact with a baby chick, give you or your child salmonella. More and more it appears that we’d all be better off celebrating our holiday in a hermetically sealed bubble with a can of disinfectant spray ready and clad in HAZMAT suits.

- Soccer players just can't turn off their faking mechanism, even when it’s been several years since they’ve played a competitive game. Diego Maradona, Argentinean soccer legend and scorer on the famous “Hand of God” goal in the 1986 World Cup, was rushed to a Buenos Aires hospital for what was basically a glorified bender. He was over-grubbing, over-drinking and over-smoking himself to a weight that his physician cited as nine pounds over his usual weight and somehow, this was cause enough to call 911 and have him rushed to the emergency room. Only a soccer player can make a food, booze and cigar binge into an emergency-room- worthy incident. Based on my wealth of soccer-watching experience, I have to imagine that once at the hospital, the scene unfolded thusly: Maradona was carried in on a stretcher, acting as if he were on the verge of death. Once inside the emergency room, he immediately leapt off of the stretcher, began waving and smiling at the doctors and nurses and pleaded with the docs to let him go back home in order to appear tough and heroic as they checked him over. On the way out of the room, an orderly wheeling a gurney down the hall came within 18 inches of Maradona and he went down like he’d been shot, writhing in pain on the floor. Ultimately, Maradona tried to check out of the hospital soon after arriving, and from the looks of it, he’s going to be fine - well, until he goes on his next grub-and-booze bender next week.

- It’s never been my policy to give out investment advice, but when an opportunity as amazing as this comes up, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention it. How would you like to get in on the ground floor of a floundering, third-world airline operated by a government whose country is overrun (and partially run) by terrorists? Yup, I thought you would be intrigued, because I know that I am. Air Afghanistan, on the verge of collapse due to corruption, mismanagement and crippling airplane leases, is looking for investors. The Afghani government, which currently operates the airline, is desperately searching for investors to help privatize up to 75 percent of the company. Gee fellas, stop tugging at my heart strings - you had me at corruption and crippling airplane leases. Mix in that particular government’s ineffectiveness and inefficiency in running their country and there’s no way you come up with anything but a winner here. Now, if there are enough of us interested in investing, perhaps we can pool our resources and go in for a large chunk of the ownership of A.A., say 40 percent, but regardless of the breakdown, this is something you need to jump on right away, lest you miss out on the chance to - well, you don’t need me to spell it out for you.

- Prediction time: the people out there who are trying to “protect” children by neutering youth sports and making these activities a warm-and-fuzzy, everyone-wins situation where you’re declared a winner just for participating and where we don’t keep score so no one has to be labeled the loser, these people are going to end up f’ing up those same kids they’re trying to protect. Youth sports governing bodies are obsessed with political correctness and not offending anyone, so they’re enacting moronic measures like the one now being foisted upon Little Leaguers in Cincinnati. The new rule will ban any cheers or chants that are classified as negative or derogatory toward opposing players, and one of the “derogatory” chants is “Hey, batter, batter, swing batter!” Yes, I can see how that might decimate the psyche of an 11-year-old batter. Little Timmy will never recover from the psychological trauma of being ridiculed with “Hey, batter, batter, swing batter!” In fact, I can't even count the number of times I’ve seen a Little Leaguer sprint from the field during an at bat, bursting into tears as he ran because of that hurtful, hateful chant. There must be some sort of organization or concert that all of these imbecilic youth sports leagues take part in where they share terrible ideas for ways to inject political correctness and namby-pamby sissy-fication into sports. Perhaps the Cincinnati group conferenced with the youth soccer leagues in Massachusetts who refuse to keep score in their games so no one will have to carry the shameful social stigma of losing a youth soccer game. Ultimately, something in me believes that maybe, just maybe, these kids aren't going to be better served growing up in a world where no one ever fails or loses, where no one is ever criticized or forced to deal with anything difficult………

full of vitriol and ready to fight

- The double talk and beat-around-the-bush statements keep on flowing from the mouth of our Ignoramus-in-Chief. W. says we’ll withdraw from Iraq some time and has in past speeches stated that our commitment there is not open-ended, but in the face of mounting pressure from both houses of Congress to choose a withdrawal date, he refuses to say when we will begin pulling out. So to clarify, there will come a day when we leave and it’s a fixed point, but we’re not going to pick that date or decide when it will be. Hope that makes sense to all of you, because it sounds like a load of bull crap to me. Well, if W. is able to stave off impeachment for the next couple years, I can tell you when we’re going to start pulling out of Iraq: the instant our next president takes office. Unless it’s one of the Republican honks who are staunchly behind W.’s plan (and even many of the Republican candidates would probably end the war if the decision was theirs to make and they were in charge), whomever we elect in the 2008 election will come in under intense public pressure to end this war. Odds are good that the winner will have won because he (or she) clearly stated that a part of their campaign platform was ending this God-forsaken war. W. did have the audacity to accuse Congress of delaying funding for our troops by including the troop-withdrawal language in the funding bill, a bill they know he will reject. I disagree; it’s smart strategy by Congress, as it is one of the only means of leverage they have against W. in this struggle, other than impeachment (which I also support enthusiastically).

- It is not truly a day at the beach unless a severed human leg washes up on said beach, right? In Cove Neck, N.Y., one such severed leg washed ashore on beachfront property located on the estate of billionaire businessman and owner of the New York Knicks, James Dolan. While it would be more apropos if a gigantic pile of dog crap were mysteriously found on the property (what with the current feces-like quality of the Knicks and their coach/GM Isaiah Thomas), Dolan has to be very happy about this development. Nothing elevates property values like a severed human body part, eh? Police believe that the severed leg may be connected (pun intended) to a tattooed torso found inside a suitcase on another beach in the area three weeks ago. The leg was discovered in a plastic bag by a landscaper working on the Dolan property, which I’m sure made his day extremely pleasant and not at all disgusting. Three-week old severed human body parts aren't at all gross or odoriferous. However, I do have to ask how, in New York of all places, on Long Island, murderers don’t know how to properly dispose of a body once they’ve dismembered it. Can't you shove it into an empty oil drum or give the person you killed a pair of cement shoes so that they don’t end up washing up on shores in the area, piece by piece?

- If Michael Jackson has a favorite U.S. congressman (or former congressman), I have to think it is former Rep. Mark Foley. Foley is under investigation for allegedly going Jack-O, by which I mean (allegedly) having sexual relationships with young boys. There is a distinction to be made here; whereas Jack-O is widely assumed to have had actual physical relationships with the boys, Foley stands accused of having online relationships with them. This, coupled with Foley’s resignation last year following the revelation that he’d sent wildly inappropriate, sexually themed messages to teenage boys working as pages on Capitol Hill, definitely thrust Foley into the pedophile category in a major way. In October, he tried the now-popular tactic of public figures checking into rehab when they say or do something wildly offensive/criminal, at the time citing a problem with alcoholism and “other behavioral issues.” Call me crazy, Mr. Foley, but something tells me there’s a safe haven for you in Bahrain or Europe, wherever it is that Jack-O is calling home these days. You two can hang together and he can teach you the skill of how to wear one glove, style your hair into a man-perm and moonwalk, and you can show him how to locate the best websites for posting lewd messages to teen boys, it’s a win-win.

- For the American Karaoke honks out there who continue to try and sell that show as legitimate and as anything but the undeniably massive hunk of monkey crap that it is, your case is becoming a tougher and tougher one to make. When there’s a picture out there of a karaoke-er/contestant sporting a freakish mohawk that makes him look like the illegitimate love child of Tina Turner and Joakim Noah, I find it really hard to view the show as anything other than a big, unfunny joke. According to the photo caption, this dude (I think it’s a dude, not sure) is named Sanjaya, which definitely sounds like the name of the next big karaoke star ready to take the world by storm. Maybe this dude/chick will get lucky and he/she will end up as this season’s contestant that Paula Abdul has a fling with, that way he/she can squeeze out an extra few seconds of fame before people move on to more interesting things, like mowing their lawns.

- Michael Ray Richardson had come so far. Back in 1986, Richardson was banned by the NBA because he had basically drugged himself right out of the league. His talent on the court was overmatched by his demons off of it, and so he was booted from the Association and left to piece together a career playing in European professional leagues. He actually attained a high level of success in Europe, becoming something of a fan favorite and playing well for several years. More recently, he returned to the American basketball scene, had latched on to a role in the Denver Nuggets organization and been hired as the coach of the CBA’s Albany Patroons. Now, all of that hard work has been undone because Richardson let the world in on the secret that he is a bigoted, small-minded racist who has a curious take on Jewish people. "I've got big-time lawyers," Richardson said. "I've got big-time Jew lawyers.” This was his explanation when asked about the profitable new contract he had been offered. When told that the comment could be offensive, he responded, "Are you kidding me? They are. They've got the best security system in the world. Have you ever been to an airport in Tel Aviv? They're real crafty. Listen, they are hated all over the world, so they've got to be crafty. They got a lot of power in this world, you know what I mean?" he said. "Which I think is great. I don't think there's nothing wrong with it. If you look in most professional sports, they're run by Jewish people. If you look at a lot of most successful corporations and stuff, more businesses, they're run by Jewish. It's not a knock, but they are some crafty people." So for some reason, M.R.R. doesn’t believe that what he said is at all offensive. He doesn’t see how stereotyping an entire race of people under the “crafty” label is wrong, and that he is actually being complimentary of Jewish people. This will of course do wonders in dispelling the dumb-jock stereotype. Coupled with Tim Hardaway’s anti-homosexual rant a couple months back, Richardson’s comments only illustrate that there are at least a few small-minded bigots in the athletic world who aren't smart enough to keep their moronic beliefs to themselves. Of course, you can't paint all (or even most) athletes with that same broad stroke, because then you’d be no different than Richardson and Hardaway, but no one can deny that there is a disturbing trend amongst athletes to say incredibly offensive and bigoted things, a trend that is unfortunately gaining momentum.

- Because we anti-authority, rebellious types need to stick together, I have to give a major shout-out to the political dissidents in Vietnam who are having their worlds turned upside down by the country’s oppressive, ruling Communist Party. In America, we can't totally appreciate the nightmare that life can be for those who voice dissent with the government in third-world nations like Vietnam, but still their efforts deserve respect and admiration. Last year, these dissident groups looked like they were gaining a foothold in the country’s political scene, but recent attacks on its leaders by the government now say otherwise. Two well-known human rights lawyers in Hanoi have been arrested in recent weeks, and Nguyen Van Ly, a Catholic priest who has been one of the opposition’s most outspoken voices, goes on trial this week for crimes against the state. Vietnam has evolved somewhat over the past decade in terms of individual freedoms, but the Communist Party still actively seeks to quash any voices who dare to oppose its policies. Now, a man such as Ly, who was freed from prison only 2½ years ago, could be headed back there because of the renewed crackdown on all things opposition in ‘Nam. Keep up the fight, guys, take every chance you have to stick it to The Man.

A ban in Tajikistan, a Senate vote against W., random riots in Paris

- For the first time since the war in Iraq began, it feels like there is genuine momentum towards ending this long-running national nightmare. This is not to say that the war will end any time soon (or soon enough), because God knows that ending this type of monstrosity will be a bureaucratic exercise in frustration that will take 4,485 steps and will drag out over months and months. Still, a Senate vote on a proposed amendment to the war-spending bill currently before the legislature provided the first tangible statement by a group with actual clout that this war needs to have a clear, defined endpoint. The amendment, proposed by Sen. Thad (note to all: never trust a man named Thad) Cochran, R-Miss., would have removed troop-withdrawal language from the war-funding bill currently before the Senate. A 50-48 vote that mostly split along party lines rejected the amendment, keeping the war-funding bill as is, withdrawal language included. Thus, W. is still threatening to veto it, and sadly, the two-thirds majority needed to overturn the veto isn't there. However, if Congress keeps including troop-withdrawal language in war-funding bills and won't pass one without it, we will have an interesting impasse. Who will cave first? Will the president sign a bill that has a definite plan for pulling American troops out of Iraq, or will Congress pass a bill to fund the war that doesn’t mandate that our men and women in the armed forces start leaving Iraq by a given date? I’ll choose option C, that we go ahead and impeach the glorified baboon sitting in the Oval Office and get someone in there who will actually end this war for good.

- Animal rights activists are the best. By the best, of course, I mean that they are overzealous freaks who provide comic relief for the rest of us as they wage their insane campaign against people who dare to eat meat, serve meat and wear clothing made from animal fur. Unfortunately, the animal rights crusaders have gotten to the good folks at Burger King, prompting BK to change its policies on buying the pork and eggs it uses for its food. Now, you PETA honks will have to bear with me, as I am typing this while eating a big, juicy steak with a side of chicken wings and bacon, sitting on a bearskin rug, wearing my fur coat and beaver-pelt hat and resting my computer on a table made from the ivory of elephant tusks, so just give me a little leeway. Burger King has agreed that it will begin buying an increasing amount of its eggs and pork from suppliers that do not confine their animals in cages and crates. Free-range chickens and pigs, super idea, except for the part where we’re concerned about the living conditions of animals while millions of people in our country are poor and homeless. But I’ll even give you the chicken issue, because after all, the chickens who produce those eggs aren't going to be killed and slammed into a sando. However, who the frick cares if the pigs used to make bacon, pork and other pig-related food products are kept in cages or crates? They’re going to be freaking killed, people! Whether you keep them in a crate, cage, pen or let them roam free, ultimately they will still be executed, so what does it matter? Do you want to go down to the farm and see the smiles on their little piggy faces as they run free, all the while having the knowledge in your mind that they are going to die anyhow for the sake of making that bacon and egg breakfast sando that Joe in Milwaukee will order at his neighborhood BK? Yup, animal rights activists still suck.

- U ain’t in America anymore, Ugueth Urbina. That sentence was brought to you by the letter “U” and that statement is pointedly directed at the former Major League reliever who has been sentenced to 14 years in a Venezuelan prison for his alleged role in a gasoline-and-machete attack on workers at his family’s farm south of Caracas. The attack on the workers involved (again, allegedly) Urbina and several other men dousing them with gasoline, beating them and attacking them with machetes. The charges on which Urbina and his compatriots were tried included attempted murder, illegally depriving the workers of their freedom and violating a national law against vigilante justice. In America, if a rich, famous athlete committed a crime like this, he would walk away free and clean, thanks to the best justice money can buy and a jury of people not smart enough to actually avoid jury duty. O.J. Simpson essentially decapitated two people and got away with it, so attempted murder would be a step below that in this country. However, Urbina has the misfortune of being Venezuelan, and in Venezuela, apparently perpetrating acts of violence and abuse on innocent people actually does earn you a conviction and substantial jail time. Tough fortune for ya, U. However, I’m sure that the prisons in Venezuela are verrrrrrry modern, clean and sanitary. See you in about a decade and a half, Ugie.

- There are more than enough stories about disenfranchised segments of society rioting and clashing with police in Europe, Asia and South America over social, political and economic issues, so how’s about a good old fashioned story of angry “bands of youths” clashing with John Q. Law for no real reason? That’s precisely what happened at a busy Paris train station, where the police and approximately 100 angry teenagers got after one another, a clash that led to nine arrests and riot police busting out with batons and tear gas. This wasn’t a protest or a rally of any kind, just a bunch of kids getting out of hand, smashing some store windows and generally doing what disenfranchised youths do. But since no one was killed or seriously injured in the melee, let’s go ahead and chalk this up as a successful riot. If you can create a little chaos, piss of the cops and have 91 percent of your group not get arrested, I think you have to count that as a victory. Gare du Nord, the site of the incident, could probably use a little livening up anyhow, what with all of the America-loathing, snobbish, un-showered French people milling about, doing their best to look as pretentious and important as possible.

- A win-win situation for 99.99999% of America in the case of the Justice Department v. Walter Anderson, the successful telecommunications entrepreneur accused of cheating the feds out of hundreds of millions of dollars in taxes. Anderson was sentenced to nine years in prison and required to repay about $23 million in back taxes, but the U.S. District Court in D.C. ruled that Anderson could not be made to repay the government between $100 million and $175 million more because the Justice Department’s binding plea deal listed the wrong statute. Ah, the feds screwed over by themselves because they cited the wrong piece of bureaucratic BS in a lengthy legal document, there’s a certain beautiful symmetry to it. Judge Paul Friedman explained that he could have worked around the gaffe by including the repayment of the money as part of Anderson’s probation, but the feds omitted any talk of probation from the paperwork, so they’re simply out of the money. Thus, America gets to see a convicted criminal brought to justice while also receiving the humorous benefit of watching the federal government screw itself out of money when normally all the feds do is find ways to screw the average American out of his or her money. Again, some nice symmetry to the whole story, as well as proof that the government is as inefficient, blundering and mistake-prone as we all believe it to be.

- Any high school students planning to transfer to a school in Tajikistan for their senior year (and there are a lot of you out there, I’m sure), you’re going to want to reconsider your decision after reading this bit of news. President Emomalii Rakhmom has banned high school graduation parties in the country, another attempt by the Tajik regime to cripple the cultural and social aspects of life in the central Asian nation. Why so down on the idea of celebrating a momentous occasion, E? How can you not be down with a proud graduate inviting over a couple hundred people, many of whom he or she doesn’t even know, in the hopes that they will drop a few extra dollars in his pocket and slam down some cake and hot dogs? Where’s the harm in a bunch of people drinking too much, playing some drunken volleyball and horseshoes and celebrating a special day in the life of a young person? Rakhmom wasn’t done, though; in his attempt to wipe out of all the aspects of high school that make it fun, he’s also banning cell phones and private cars at schools. Basically, dude is taking away everything but classes, books and teachers’ dirty looks. No cellies, no students with their own cars, no graduation parties - why not just slap inmate numbers on the students’ backs and force them into manual labor, E? I know, I know, Muslim nations like Tajikistan don’t have the same take on cultural and societal matters that Americans or Europeans do, but my main man Emomalii needs to find a good proctologist so he can have that massive stick removed that’s stuck up his butt.

- Nice try, Chris Henry, nice try. The oft-arrested Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver, who has tallied four arrests in the past 14 months, must have heard my lament about his Bengals falling short of the dream ten-arrest season I and so many others had hoped for, and Henry sprung into action. He was dinged by the police in Cincy for driving with a suspended license and making an illegal turn, but his brush with the law doesn’t do anyone any good. For one, he wasn’t actually arrested, so who cares? Two, the season is over and now the Bengals, like every other team, have to start from zero in the arrest column of the standings. Thirdly, the NFL is enacting new, tougher player conduct rules, so now players will be cut or suspended long before they can reach the lofty standards that Henry and his cellmates, er, teammates set last season. Thanks for nothing, Chris.

An ego trip for the King, a customs agent gone bad and Kumar a faculty member at Penn

- If this keeps up, I may have to cease and desist with my continual mocking and derision of Gwen Stefani for trying to portray herself as a rocker of any degree while being little more than an over-glitzed pop princess. Stefani will be appearing on my least favorite TV show, American Karaoke, putting the symbolic nail in the coffin for her credibility in the rock world. The reason I personally may have to stop mocking her for this transgression is that she’s doing an impeccable job of it on her own, and there’s almost nothing left to say. You can whine about how your band, No Doubt, once toured with U2, and you can claim that shows you know how to rock, but when you appear on the sugary, bubble-gum pop crapfest that is AK, you’re selling your musical soul and that’s the bottom line. Manufactured crooners engaging in what has been appropriately termed “athletic balladeering” on a poorly concocted reality TV show isn't anything that U2, the Clash, the Ramones or any other rock group would have taken part in, and after this, if I ever hear Gwen Stefani try to justify herself as a rocker, I’m going to take a page from the Ramones’ book, find this chick and beat on the brat with a baseball bat.

- Want to know the proper way to display your blatant arrogance and ego in architectural form? LeBron James has found just the right method, including a gigantic bas-relief limestone sculpture of his head, clad in trademark headband, as a part of his new ginormous home in Bath Township, Ohio. There’s no reason to quibble with the size of the house or say it’s too extravagant; if you’re that rich, you can build as big and as luxurious of a home as you want, wherever you want. However, a humongous sculpture of your likeness in bas-relief form is the quintessential display of pomposity. It’s a “hey, look at me, everyone needs to see my likeness in oversized form displayed on the exterior of my home” kind of declaration. For someone who guards his privacy and personal life tightly, why advertise to blatantly which house is yours and provide such a public reminder that this is your crib? Of course, the sculpture may be dwarfed in its showiness if and when the 15-foot bronze statue of James is erected in the front yard and the giant video board playing a continual loop of his highlight plays is installed near the end of the driveway.

- One possible alternative to building a giant freaking wall along to U.S.-Mexico border in an attempt to keep out illegal immigrants: find a way to eliminate border inspectors who are willing to take cash and cars as bribes in order to allow illegal immigrants to cross the border into the U.S. Richard Elizada, a 10-year veteran of the U.S. Customs and Border Protection service was sentenced Monday to six years in prison for his complicity in a smuggling operation that allowed many illegals access to American soil. This criminal genius, as with so many would-be crooks, does not possess an exceptionally high IQ, which is what ultimately led to his demise. His operation was founded on the practice of sending text messages to smugglers on their cells and directing them to his inspection lane, where he would then wave them across the border. The fact that text messages and cell phones in general leave all sorts of evidence to track must have eluded him, and using disposable, untraceable cells must not have crossed his mind. As a result, the feds were able to investigate his scam and bring him down, which I’m sure will reduce the number of illegals crossing into America each day from a few thousand to a few thousand minus twenty.

- See, this is why when you have a chance at a historical achievement, you had better capitalize on the opportunity. The Cincinnati Bengals had a shot at a double-digit arrest season last year and stalled out with a measly nine players dinged by the law. Now, the NFL is about to restructure its player conduct policy drastically, with increased penalties expected for players who run afoul of the law. Additionally, teams may be fined and/or penalized if their players are arrested. Previously, the penalties for such infractions were limited to players and ranged from one to four games. Now, however, suspensions of one full season could be imposed, with a player/felon like Tennessee Titans cornerback Adam “Pacman” Jones potentially the first to receive the one-year ban. Under these new rules, there is no way any team is going to approach the double-digit marker, and the 2006 Bengals will go down in history as chokers and underachievers both on the field and off of it. When the new policy is announced, some time during the next few days at the NFL meetings in Phoenix, my dream of a 10+-arrest campaign for an NFL team will go by the wayside and the world will be a little darker place.

- Have you ever asked yourself what kind of credentials you need to teach at an Ivy League school? Surely you need a master’s degree or doctorate in some field from a distinguished university, maybe years of research in your respective field and many articles published in obscure professional journals….or you need to star in a movie about a fast-food joint that features Doogie Howser joyriding in a stolen car with two topless chicks on either side of him. Apparently satisfying that standard is good enough for the University of Pennsylvania, where Kal Penn (ironically named) will teach two undergrad courses next semester. Kal Penn played Kumar Patel in the 2004 cult classic Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle, a film whose cinematic greatness has never been established but a film that has nonetheless garnered a massive following from stoners and undiscerning movie fans under the age of 30. If you haven't seen it, the plot is simple: two random guys, one Indian (the Asian country, not Native American) and one Asian, have a late-night hankering for White Castle hamburgers. Their trek to White Castle becomes very complicated, resulting in brushes with the law, all sorts of unsavory characters and their car being stolen. Ultimately, they get their car back and get their burgers after a hellacious night, and that’s the end of it. Now, Penn will be capitalizing on that “success” by teaching two courses, Images of Asian-Americans in the Media and Contemporary American Films. Granted, anyone who took a movie class in college (I took six) knows that you don’t need a Mensa member to teach the course, but you can't do better than Kumar? Will Screech from Saved by the Bell be a guest lecturer for sociology courses, and will Starsky and Hutch be your criminology professors for the fall semester? Good to know that the high-priced Ivy League education is still worth all the money that is being shelled out for it.

NBA hypocrisy, another cruise ship incident and another reason American Karaoke sucks

- Reason #4,801,744 that American Karaoke has sucks, has always sucked and will always sucks for as long as its miserable existence continues: Taylor Hicks, who I am told won the last rendition of that moronic “talent” contest passed off as a reality TV show, released an album in December. By all accounts, his album was unremarkable and pedestrian, and stunner of all stunners, it has already dropped out of Billboard’s Top 100. That’s right, even though a quality album is only released a few times a month and the public generally ignores albums that are actually listenable and decent, this loser and his prematurely gray hair (a disturbing phrase if I’ve ever heard one, just creepy) no longer have an album that is one of the top 100 selling in this country. But hey, at least he got to get up on stage and writhe around like a drunken serpent while three losers sat there and “judged” him and millions of other losers paid money to call in and vote for him. These are the reasons the rest of the world hates us, because we foist crap like this on them as a representation of American culture.

- For our second straight day with a pimpin’-related story, it’s time to turn to Reno, Nev., where the last remaining building on the grounds of the Mustang Ranch brothel went up (or down) in flames Sunday as part of a firefighter training exercise. The this building was one of the more well-known establishments where pimps and ho’s could ply their trade, but the place had been un-operational since 1999, when the government padlocked the place and shut it down due to continual tax problems. It burdens me greatly to have to bring news of a negative pimpin’ story two days in a row, but it’s true what they say, pimpin’ ain’t easy.

- For the “Catastrophe on a Cruise Ship” portion of today’s news, take a trip to the Gulf of Mexico, where a young couple fell overboard from a Princess Cruise ship into the water. The unidentified 22-year-old man and 20-year-old woman fell between 50 and 60 feet from a cabin balcony, but rescuers were able to locate them after a four-hour search. Princess Cruise Lines claims to have no knowledge of how the pair fell off the ship, but a spokesman for the company seems sure it was an accident. That’s convenient excuse, because things like falling overboard, crashing into an island and spilling harmful diesel fuel and having hundreds of passengers contract Norovirus are always accidents. These things never happen for a specific reason as the result of any kind of error or bad judgment on the part of the cruise ship company; they’re accidents, just harmless oops! moments that are merely funny anecdotes to tell people when they ask about your vacation. That is, of course, provided you can stop vomiting long enough to finish the story.

- Time to pass out my Congressman of the Week award, and this week’s runaway winner is………Sen. Chuck Hagel, R-Neb. Sen. Hagel wins the award because he’s the first congressperson to openly consider what I’ve been championing for months, the notion of impeaching our president if he continues to blissfully disregard the opinion of 99.99999% percent of people in America, Congress included, who know that the Iraq war is a farce and a debacle that needs to come to a swift and definitive conclusion. Now Sen. Hagel hasn’t yet called for impeachment or declared it to be the best option, but his willingness to talk about it and float it out there despite being a member of the same party as the president is admirable. All it takes is one person to get the ball rolling. Sometimes hearing an idea spoken out loud is all it takes to crystallize it and to generate the momentum needed to bring that idea to fruition. Of course, there are also party hacks like Sen. Trent Lott, R-Miss., tools who continue to stand behind their imbecilic leader and try to convince us all that we just need to give this whole thing more time, that W. will successfully lead us to victory. Tell you what, Trent, you and the rest of your Republican lemmings can go ahead and follow your leader right off the cliff. The rest of us can continue to mock you and count the days until the abomination of a presidency finally ends.

- The NBA needs to get a sense of humor and learn not to take itself so über-seriously. The league has reprimanded Washington Wizards guard Gilbert “Hibachi” Arenas because he had the audacity to make, gasp, $10 bets with two fans at a recent game in Portland. Arenas made a wager with the two fans that he would hit the game winning shot, which he failed to do. His team lost to Portland by two points and he got the fans’ contact information so he could pay off the bets. He mentioned the wagers in his blog on NBA.com, but in addition to reprimanding him, the league also removed any mention of the betting from the blog. Good to see that the league is alright with holding its All-Star game in the biggest gambling city in America, Las Vegas, but they aren't down with a player making a fun, $10 bet with a couple of fans at a game. NBA players are abusing animals (Ron Artest), squeezing off rounds with their pistols at strip clubs (Stephen Jackson) and running afoul of the law in a dozen other ways, but the league is pissed about Arenas and his friendly wagers of ten measly dollars. Heaven forbid a player does something to connect with the fans and engages them in something silly and simply. Oh, and I seriously doubt that Arenas would have tracked down the fans to collect his $10 if he’d won the bet, so how can you really be upset about this? The NFL and its uniform police fining players for wearing their socks an inch too low think this is absurd.

Eight topics, one giant bowl of Sunday sunshine!

- Here’s a fun new game to play with your friends: which rogue nation is going to explode (figuratively, not literally) and declare war on us first, Iran or North Korea? America and its allies seem intent on agonizing both because of their continued development of nuclear capabilities. Economic sanctions have been imposed, and on Saturday, the United Nations Security Council voted unanimously to impose additional sanctions on Iran for its refusal to stop enriching uranium. Iran immediately denounced the resolution, and when you combine that with the simmering tensions of 15 British sailors captured and held hostage by Iranian forces, this situation could escalate quickly. North Korea, if you remember, has been boycotting a six-nation meeting in China on the topic of halting its nuclear programs, and both countries are led by fascist dictators who really aren't too fond of America and those who side with us. I figure it’s only a matter of time before one of them actually goes nuclear and lobs a nuke or two our way, so why not start an office pool and try to make some money off of it? You could bet on which country will strike first, when they’ll strike, where they will strike at, the possibilities are endless. It’s a way to add some intrigue to the political process, and it could help keep your mind off the fact that there’s still an embarrassing, ridiculous debacle of a war going on in Iraq, a war with no end in sight.

- Time for the weekly addition of a food item to the list of recalled products that could kill you or make you extremely sick. This week’s addition is something that’s actually bad for you, healthy-eating wise. Candy eggs from Green, Ohio-based Harry London Candies have been recalled by the Food and Drug Administration. The recall include the following products, many of which sound disgusting to begin with: the Mint Chegg, Double Chocolate Chegg, Marshmallow Chegg, Peanut Butter Chegg, Caramel Chegg and Toffee Chegg. I’m not sure what the heck a chegg is supposed to be, but Macy’s shoppers who bought them better hope they haven't yet eaten these curious culinary concoctions. Previously, the recently recalled foods had been veggies like spinach, tomatoes, mushrooms and celery, but this is the first unhealthy addition to that list. This is going to put a dent or two in the haul of many kids from their Easter baskets, and I’m sure there will be a few clueless parents who don’t hear about the recall and let their kids wolf down five or six of these candy eggs. Thus, in about a week I will look forward to bringing you stories of those kids being rushed to the emergency room and having the hazardous cheggs pumped from their stomachs, good times.

- Pimpin’ ain’t easy, and apparently pimpin’ can also land you in prison for 23 years, at least when you combine it with money laundering. Matthew “Knowledge” Thompkins of Trenton, N.J. pleaded guilty to charges of conspiracy to transport minors to engage in prostitution and conspiracy to engage in money laundering and received the lengthy sentence on Friday. I gotta say, what kind of street name is Knowledge, anyhow? Does that earn you much street cred, rolling with that kind of nickname? Pardon me for saying so, Mr. Knowledge, but that moniker doesn’t incite too much fear or panic into anyone, and I hafta figure you could have gone with something a little harder and edgier. Of course, you really won't be needing a name like that where you’re going, you can simply be known as “Inmate #433041.”

- I keep giving this advice, but it continues falling on deaf ears and I don’t know why. If you don’t want kids, don’t have unprotected sex and you won't have to worry about it. You cannot become a parent if you avoid that whole sex thing; it’s a 100% certainty. I feel the need to repeat this advice because of people like Charles G. Hope, Jr., 32, and Amber M. Revlett, 26, of Owensboro, Ky., who attempted to sell their 15-month-old daughter for $3,000 and a sport utility vehicle. Do me a favor and at least tell me you were getting a tricked-out Range Rover Limited Edition, guys. Of course, these two criminal masterminds had a great plan, using their profits to pay off Hope’s fines from previous criminal charges. In the pantheon of get-rich-quick schemes, this is one of the all-time dumbest. Selling a kid is going to raise some suspicion and draw more than a little attention, that’s for sure. At some point, your neighbors and family will notice that you haven't had your kid around for a while and they’ll start to ask questions. They aren't going to buy the excuse that a 15-month-old is on vacation or visiting relatives out of state for months on end. It’s clear the pair doesn’t place much value on being parents on raising a child, so again I feel obliged to point out that no one is making you have sex or have a child. You made the choice, so if you really don’t want the kid and it’s on the way anyhow, we do have a legal process for getting rid of it, it’s called adoption. I know that wouldn’t raise the necessary capital to pay off your fines, but maybe you can come up with a slightly more intelligent plan for that part of the equation.

- Glad to see that the principle of free speech is alive and well in Russia. Well, it is as long as you count the police violently beating down protesters with truncheons and hauling them off to jail. In the third major demonstration in the country in recent weeks was met with heavy police resistance. Protesters were speaking out against local issues, but they also lobbied accusations of the Kremlin stifling free speech, silencing dissenters and depriving them of a free and fair political process during December’s national elections. Ironic, isn't it, that in a march decrying the suppression of free speech, protesters had their voice bludgeoned and silenced by The Man? Nothing rebuffs claims of infringement on one’s right to free speech quite like beating them down when they try to exercise their right to free speech. Of course, tens of millions of Americans are exercising our right to free speech and using our voice to rip, ream and eviscerate our incompetent president and it’s not doing a bit of good in ending the debacle in Iraq. But hey, at least being able to vent makes us feel better…..until we see that more American soldiers have been killed and more billions of dollars wasted on this futile war.

- The Bush family made an attempt to gain some fake educational credibility, and that attempt was rebuffed. Jeb Bush, the erstwhile governor of Florida and brother of our Bozo in Chief, was denied an honorary degree at the University of Florida when the university’s board of directors voted against the honor. There’s much humor in the fact that this family can't even get a fake degree from a legitimate university, although that might not be true because I suspect that W.’s college degree from Yale is probably a fake because there’s no way that buffoon graduated from an Ivy League school with rigorous academic standards. Cheer up, Jeb, the University of Phoenix Online and DeVry Institute are still out there for you……..

- Tired of having multiple IDs with horrific-looking pictures of you on them? For those who try to hide embarrassing driver’s license photos and embarrassing passport photos, the state of Washington may have the solution for you: combine the two items into one, dual-purpose ID. Gov. Chris Gregoire signed a bill into law that calls for “enhanced” driver’s licenses that will allow the state’s residents to travel across the Canadian border without having a passport. The so-called “smart” IDs will look like normal licenses, but will be loaded with citizenship and other information that can be scanned at the border. Radio frequency ID chips and other advanced security features would also make these particular licenses less susceptible to forgery. I have a sneaking suspicion that the cost of driver’s licenses will also be going up in Washington, but hey, I’m sure that the many low-income families in the state won't mind shilling out a few extra bucks so they can have a new, souped-up driver’s license.

- Intensity and passion in sports are great things; players who give a crap and show emotion are what draw fans in and make them care about the games. That being said, freakish-looking University of Florida forward Joakim Noah is pushing the envelope with his on-court antics. Not to crack someone’s appearance, but someone who strongly resembles a fish and sports an ugly pony tail while belting out guttural yells every time he gets a rebound, makes a shot or is fouled somewhat detracts from the whole experience of watching a basketball game. Seriously, you get the feeling that dude is just out there to get his yell on, and actually playing the game is secondary. It got me wondering if he lets out the same disturbing yell during other activities, such as brushing his teeth in the morning. If he does a good job cleaning the plaque off of his molars, do his roommates her “Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!” come from the bathroom. When he gets a good grade on a test or a paper, does he stand up in the middle of class, pound his chest and let out a roar? Take it down a notch, J, and try saving those screams for the actual stellar plays you make and the truly special moments in a game, otherwise you are cheapening the cinematic value of your bellowing and just end up looking like a circus sideshow act.

Joey Dorsey can't back up his smack, but neither can a guy claiming to have smallpox

- Someone needs to get Joey Dorsey a towel, because right now, dude has a whole lot of egg on his face. The big-mouthed Memphis University forward ran a lot of smack prior to today’s contest against top-ranked Ohio State about OSU center Greg Oden being overrated and Dorsey himself being underrated. He also claimed he was like Goliath and Oden was “the little guy”, ostensibly forgetting that Goliath actually lost the battle. Personally, I think Dorsey is accurately rated, because he’s decent player who receives a lot of favorable words from those broadcasting Memphis games. However, when slightly above-average players start running their mouths, running their MOUTHS….then they go out in their team’s biggest game of the season and lay a zero-point, X-rebound game while the opposing player they criticized as being “overrated” goes for 1X points and rebounds while leading his team to a resounding 92-76 win, the smack talking “underrated” player looks like a giant horse’s ass. Thus, Dorsey and his snarky ‘tude need to go away and enjoy the offseason while Oden and his crew march on to the Final Four. Well done, Joey, you’ve proven that you are: 1) a guy who doesn’t know when to shut up, 2) not very intelligent and 3) a choker who comes up small in big games. Hope you enjoy watching OSU compete for a national championship, chump.

- You can get on an airplane if you’re a mentally unstable whack job who incites panic by claiming he has smallpox, but you can't carry a 4 oz. tube of toothpaste on a plane. Makes sense, right? A man aboard a US Airways flight from New Orleans to Charlotte claimed to have smallpox, even though the disease was eradicated in the U.S. in 1980. He was taken to a local medical center following a quarantine of the plane, and shockingly, the man was found to not have smallpox. But nice to know that someone unstable enough to make a claim like that can't board a plane freely, but don’t you dare try to stick a normal-sized tube of toothpaste or mouthwash in your carry-on bag.

- Sounds to me like Anthony Albert Gomez of Minneapolis has been watching a little too many Godfather movies lately. Drawing on the scene from the popular movie series where a severed horse head is placed in a bed for intimidation purposes, Gomez (this is graphic) decapitated his ex-girlfriend’s dog and left the severed head on her front porch in a gift wrapped box. This sick frrrrreak either thought he was funny or was trying to seriously scare his ex, but ultimately he’s the one facing animal cruelty and torture charges. Oh, and his girlfriend is still a teenager, so this loser not only murdered his ex-girlfriend’s dog, but he did so to mess with the head of someone who’s not even old enough to drink. The unidentified young woman has to be badly shaken up about this whole mess, but one positive is that she is undoubtedly, undeniably better off not having a piece of crap like Gomez as her boyfriend.

- Menu Foods and its subsidiaries had better hope their “cuts and gravy and rat poision” style pet foods have made their last appearance on store shelves. Menu is a ginormous conglomerate with 95 subsidiaries who recently recalled a large quantity of pet food after reports of at least 16 cat and dog deaths surfaced as a result of eating the contaminated food stuffs. The best part of all this is that the company is claiming it doesn’t know how the poisonous substance once used to induce abortions in the United States made its way into the food, but that Menu will take responsibility for all medical costs incurred as a result of eating its pet food. Still, how in the world is a poison like this anywhere near the production of food for anyone, even if it is animals? Can anyone explain that to me? Someone? No, didn’t think so.

- On the upside, at least progress is being made in locating the source of renegade spinach that caused a national E. coli outbreak. A cattle farm near California’s central coastline is believed to be responsible for the E. coli scare, which sickened more than 200 people. Authorities found the bacteria at the Pacines Ranch in San Benito County, near a field the ranch leased to a company called Mission Organics. Maybe they should be changing their name to Mission: Food-Borne Illness………Now, everyone is pointing fingers and trying to shift responsibility for the E. coli problem, with neither the ranch nor Mission Organics wanting to step up and assume blame. Just to be safe, I’m going to go ahead and keep avoiding spinach for the next fifty years or so, as has been my policy thus far in life. It’s worked out well up to this point……

Hunting illegal immigrants, relaxing porn laws and whaddya know, Billy Packer's still an ass!

- And so it continues….the 2007 NCAA Tournament continues to be a walking contradiction, still the greatest sporting event in the world, period, but experiencing a year without two of the staples that have made it such. The absence of a single buzzer-beating, my-team-would-have-lost-without-it shot is a profound disappointment to me, because the sight of an exuberant team spilling onto the floor and piling on top of one of their own players who made a clutch shot at the buzzer to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat is, for me, the quintessential March Madness moment. A second disturbing ingredient in this year’s tournament is the presence of a single double-digit seed in the Sweet 16 round. The lowest remaining seed is UNLV, seeded seventh. Worse still, the two regional final games already set for Saturday feature 1-2 matchups in terms of seeding. Seeing the chalk emerge victorious nearly every game is boooooring. Still, I wouldn’t trade this event for the Super Bowl, the World Series or either incarnation of the Olympics. Even at its worst, it’s still better than anything else sports has to offer - well, except when Billy Packer is announcing a game, then not so much. The fact that Packer and his surly, bitter, curmudgeony act weren't a part of any of Thursday night’s game meant that it was a good night for basketball. Unfortunately, he’s back tonight, and we’ll have to endure two games full of his caustic, perpetually dissatisfied, bitter old man routine. Ultimately, though, it’s still the NCAA Tournament, and that supercedes all of this other crap.

- Further proving my point about how f’ed up the TV schedule has been this year, Smallville returned to the CW for two new episodes after an inexplicably long winter hiatus, and now next week we’re back to reruns. The CW doesn’t understand the concept of flow and rhythm, that’s for sure. This much is made clear by the fact that they can’t seem to show enough consecutive new episodes to actively engage those who watch the show, and every time you do see a new episode, you’re plagued by the thought in the back of your mind that you had better enjoy this one, because there’s no telling when you’re going to catch another new episode. Also, mad props to the CW for bringing the show back during the two jam-packed NCAA tournament Thursday nights of late March instead of coming back a few weeks earlier and showing maybe 3-4 new episodes in a row, great thinking ass hats. P.S.………..thanks to ABC for bringing back Six Degrees, an early season favorite of mine, gone for three or four months due to ratings trouble, and dropping it randomly on a Friday night with little fanfare. I was fortunate to catch the TV listings and tune in, but when you have a show that has been plagued by low ratings and you bring it back, presumably in the hopes of having it do better with viewers than the first go-round, maybe making a concerted effort to make people aware that it’s going to be back on the air is in order, just a thought.

- I’m on record as saying my favorite part of soccer, especially everywhere in the world outside of America (where no one gives a crap about the sport) is the rioting and general mayhem caused by mentally unstable fans who throw urine bombs, burn cars and loot their cities when their team wins, when their team loses and pretty much any time they feel like it. Fans going nuts and making fools of themselves is an integral part of sports, but here’s where we’re going to draw the line between being a crazy, passionate fan and just being a world-class scumbag and flat-out wrong: when you start murdering your team’s coach after the team suffers a bad loss. That’s precisely what happened to Pakistani cricket coach Bob Woolmer after his team dropped a World Cup contest to Ireland in a game played in Kingston, Jamaica. Now comes the brutal part: Woolmer was found in his hotel room in a pool of his own vomit and blood, the victim of asphyxiation by strangulation, and authorities are treating the death as a homicide at this time. This is one of those times where I am almost at a loss for words - almost. But to whomever did this and left a grieving widow in their wake, know that you are one of the lowest life forms roaming this planet, perhaps even a rung below O.J. on the Ladder of Scum. At least the Juice had a legitimate reason to be upset with the people he murdered (allegedly), as they had an actual relationship and their actions had indeed caused emotional damage to one another. Of course, that doesn’t justify murdering or injuring anyone in any way, but at least the Juice had a legit reason to be angry. The lothario who murdered Woolmer likely didn’t even know him personally and was pissed because their team lost a cricket game - yes, cricket. Normally I’m not a death penalty honk, but for this case, I think you can make an exception once you find the person responsible. String them up, hang them, give ‘em the guillotine, firing squad, do whatever you want, just make it painful.

- Who doesn’t agree that we need fewer laws restricting the access kids have to online porn? That’s what I thought, we’re all on board with that. Well, at least U.S. District Court Judge Lowell Reed of Philadelphia thinks, as evidenced by his decision to repeal the 1998 Child Online Protection Act. He claims the measure doesn’t address new threats, especially things like MySpace, that have occurred since the law was initially put into place. His reasoning also relies on the fact that Internet content filters do a better job of protecting kids than this law does, so the law was thrown out on the grounds of the First Amendment. Call me nuts, judge, but why not keep the current law in place while lawmakers work on a new one? Just because this law doesn’t go far enough doesn’t mean you toss it out and say the heck with it. This is one case where you can't have too much of a good thing. The more measures in place to protect kids from things like online porn, the better.

- Well this is gonna end well……a Hackensack, N.J. radio show is encouraging its listeners to turn in suspected illegal immigrants to the station, 101.5-FM, or to immigration authorities. Hispanic leaders are predictably outraged over the promotional stunt (that’s what it is, even if the station claims otherwise). These leaders claim it is anti-Hispanic and might encourage racial profiling, and although it initially may appear idiotic to defend the cause of illegal immigrants, I’m going to have to side with the Hispanic community on this one. As much as it’s a good idea to make sure that we take every possible step to ensure that everyone who enters this country does so legally, for security and other reasons, spurring average citizens, many of whom are, let’s face it, not especially bright or competent, to go out looking for possible illegals is a bad idea. I don’t think you want Tommy from Trenton following some guy he sees on the train out of the city around the streets in the hopes of proving that the guy is an illegal immigrant. Just leave that to the professionals, if you don’t mind. Now, if you know someone who is employing an illegal immigrant and you know for sure that this is the case, it’s your call if you want to turn in your friend, but going on the air and encouraging vigilante immigration policing is neither wise nor something that a radio station has any business doing.

Drunken managers, unhealthy General Tso's and the Mennonites vs. Missouri

- Spring training in Major League Baseball is all about getting ready for the regular season. Pitchers look to build their arm strength and fine tune their mechanics, position players try to get back into a groove at the plate and hone their defensive skills. So what do managers do, you ask? Well, normally I would answer that they use spring training to evaluate players, determine who to keep on the roster and who to send back to the minors and to settle battles between players for starting spots at different positions. That would be my answer normally, but apparently spring training is also where managers go to get pass-out drunk and fall asleep at the wheel of their running car in the middle of the road. St. Louis Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa did just that this morning, blowing a .093 on the breathalyzer when police pulled him out of his rig. Never a good sign when the cops find you asleep at the wheel of a running car after your vehicle has failed to move through the course of two straight green lights and you reek of booze, as LaRussa reportedly did. That’s the kind of behavior that will raise a red flag or ten with law enforcement. Someone should have pointed out to Tony that he is not yet in St. Louis, where he could possibly pull a stunt like this and find a way to get out of it because he’s Tony Freakin’ LaRussa, an icon who won that baseball-crazed city a World Series last year. Right now, he’s in Jupiter, Fla., and the cops there aren't going to look at this the same way. Call a cab, Tony, call a player, team official or a friend and have them come pick you up when you’ve had a half-dozen beers or so, because otherwise you look like you do now, a lush who recklessly goes out on the roadways when he’s too plastered to be driving.

- Brace yourself for what will undoubtedly be earth-shattering news: Chinese food is not healthy for you. No, seriously, that grub you snag from your local Chinese restaurant is not exactly health food. The Center for Science in the Public Interest, undoubtedly after many intense “research sessions”, has declared than food such as a plate of General Tso’s chicken contains about 40 percent more salt and more than half of the calories an average adult needs in a day. I, for one, am flabbergasted. How can healthy food like sweet and sour pour, egg rolls and fried shrimp not be good for you? I just don’t get it. Can't you picture the “researchers”, deciding that five trips to the local Chinese joint this week just aren't enough to make a definitive statement about the health value of the food and that they need one or one hundred more trips to decide for sure? What’s next, CSPI, are you going to undertake a two-year study that concludes that Big Macs and McNuggets are also bad for you? Always good to have science pushing the limits and boundaries of knowledge and bringing us relevant, groundbreaking new developments like this.

- Following the run of success for the recent troika of Spiderman movies starring Toby Maguire, the great Batman Begins film with Christian Bale and the massive support for the X-Men movies, it was only a matter of time before The Green Hornet made his way to the big screen. The Hornet, originally created in 1936 by George W. Trendle and Fran Striker of Detroit’s WXYZ-FM, has been on the radio, television and in comic books for seven decades, but this will be his first foray into the movie world. The TV series version of the Hornet’s story in 1966 even pulled Bruce Lee, and certain comic book dorks out there still argue that The Green Hornet is the coolest superhero around, better than Batman or Superman. Columbia Pictures is banking on that fact, because they’re the ones who will bring Green Hornet to theaters, although no release date is set as of now. The reality is that with all of the crap-ola at our nation’s multiplexes right now, this movie doesn’t have to do much to be better than the other options moviegoers have at any given time.

- It’s the Mennonites vs. the state of Missouri. The Mennonite community in Missouri (and yes, they’re in Missouri, they’re surprisingly diverse geographically) has fought the law and as The Clash declared so eloquently in their 1978 tune, the law won. The state is mandating that Mennonites comply with a 2004 law that all driver’s licenses in Missouri contain a photo ID, a practice Mennonites claim violates their religious beliefs against “graven images.” Previously, Missouri had an exemption in place for the Mennonites, but the repeal of that exemption is leading many from the religious sect to flee the state to Arkansas, where a similar exemption still exists. Not to belittle anyone’s religious beliefs, but this sounds more than a little absurd. How does a picture on a driver’s license qualify as a graven image? Are you building an altar to the little three-inch piece of laminated plastic and offering sacrifices to it? Do you object to having your picture taken anywhere by anyone? You’re going to abandon your whole life in one state over something like this? It’s certainly their right, but that doesn’t mean it isn't nonsensical. They aren't telling you what to wear, whether you can worship in your own way or that you can't sport those Mennonite beards that we’re all familiar with, they just want your picture on the driver’s license that you otherwise have to objection to possessing. Hope you all enjoy Arkansas, and that they don’t decide to repeal that exemption any time soon…….

- Protests are a good thing, as they serve to highlight segments of society who feel their voice is not being heard and that a given entity, usually their government, is not properly tending to their needs or is abusing their rights. However, protests stop being a good thing when protests by two opposing groups merge into one giant protest/brawl that leaves 25 people dead and 35 wounded. This is what happened in Nepal, where a fight between former Communist rebels and ethnic rights activists led to a total of 60 deaths and fatalities. The southern city of Gaur was the site for this tragedy, which came after the two groups tried to hold separate rallies inside city limits. While this doesn’t diminish my support for protest marches and rallies, I may need to tack on an addendum to that support: when you start killing and injuring people who are trying, like you, to make their voice heard on an issue through a protest, it stops being cool and starts being way out of line.

My business proposal for Man-Ram, birthday wishes for O'Fat and Gus Johnson gets the heave-ho

- Let’s say you’re having a six-nation summit on halting the nuclear capacities of Nation X….wouldn’t it be good idea to have Nation X in attendance? That would seem like a given, but apparently not for the six countries meeting in China to discuss putting the brakes in North Korea’s development of nuclear capacities. North Korea is boycotting the meetings because of a dispute over $25 million in sanctions that have been imposed on it by the international community. So basically you have six other countries sitting around discussing another nation and what it should do, but all that nation is going to do is ignore whatever those six countries say and keep doing what it wants. It’s akin to staging an intervention for a friend who’s an alcoholic, only that person won't go anywhere near the intervention. Kudos to those who have made the obvious observation that North Korea boycotting the talks “severely diminishes” the chance that they will help in the quest for disarmament. I suppose these insightful geniuses would also agree that the exclusion of Northwest Oklahoma A&M University from the NCAA Tournament “severely diminishes” the chances that NWOAM will be winning this year’s tournament. Good work, people, good work all around on this one.

- By now, the Manny Ramirez story about him selling a top-of-the-line grill on eBay for $3,000 is ubiquitous. Everyone has heard it and has an amused reaction to it, but it got me thinking about ways to capitalize on this “Manny on eBay” phenomenon. The affable, erstwhile outfielder for the Boston Red Sox can cut throws from the center fielder, disappear into the Green Monster to take a leak during games and wear sunglasses with an MP3 player in them during a game, so the following scenario isn't all that far-fetched. Why not offer a service on eBay whereby you could rent Manny out to pimp your eBay items, for a small fee of course? Reportedly, the grill he is hawking isn't even his; it belongs to a neighbor that Man-Ram is trying to help out. So why couldn’t you plunk down $50 bucks for Manny to pose with your digital camera, used TV or exercise bike and then throw it up on eBay? You’d make back that $50 easily with the extra cash people would bid for your item now that it’s Man-Ram endorsed. Throw in that autographed baseball he’s offering with the grill and you might even triple your original asking price for your item. Call me, Manny, I think we could have something here……..

- A very happy, calorie-heavy birthday to Rosie O’Fat, who turns 45 today. As a gift to the ginormous, gargantuan, bloated daytime TV talker, I’m going to pass along a helpful piece of advice I like to call the 6-to-1 rule: if you are over the age of 35 and your weight is more than six times your current age, it’s time for a drastic alteration of your eating and exercise habits. Yet I get the feeling that I’m going to be seeing images in the next few days of a porky, fooded-up O’Fat shoving her fat, ugly face (Donald Trump’s words, not mine) into a birthday cake as horrified onlookers try to get out of her way, lest they lose a hand in her rush to wolf down the entire freakin’ cake. The only possible upside to all of this is the potential that the Donald will be motivated to unleash another round of verbal mortar shots at O’Fat, because that’s the best present any of us could hope to get on this day.

- In the down time between the opening weekend of the NCAA Tournament and the upcoming Sweet 16 and Elite 8 games, one of the hotly debated stories has been an announcer, namely Gus Johnson of CBS. If you’ve watched any of the tournament, then you’ve undoubtedly heard Gus’s enthusiastic, borderline-nervous breakdown style of calling a game. His excitement and energy are at an astonishingly high level during games, to the point that you wonder if his head is going to pop right off his body with steam pouring from his neck. Well, normally Gus gets to call games beyond the first weekend of the tournament, but with CBS fawning over James Brown (why, I don’t know - this is, by the way, the broadcaster James Brown, not the now-deceased Godfather of Soul), Brown has been given one of the top broadcasting positions for the tournament in order to secure his services for hosting CBS’s NFL pregame show. Brown made that demand, and CBS caved in, so he gets to announce this weekend’s games, Johnson does not. I’m not one of those pro-Gus Johnson honks who thinks the guy is a basketball announcing savant (Bill Raftery is my guy for that), but I do think it’s a negative for CBS and for basketball fans to not have Johnson around for this weekend’s games. A lot of the buzz around this story is some conservative, stick-up-their-butt pundits who feel Johnson’s uber-enthusiastic persona is a bad thing on broadcasts. As someone who has pissed off a media member quite recently on press row for being too enthusiastic, I tend to side with Gus on this issue. I’d rather have him announcing than a pompous, arrogant, self-centered blowhard like Billy Packer, whose surly, caustic, bitter demeanor not only ruins the games, it makes you wonder if he’s even enjoying the game or if he just enjoys being a whining horse’s arse. If CBS were smart, it would ditch Packer and his flat-lining partner, Jim Nantz, and give Gus Johnson and Bill Raftery the primo assignments for the tournament.

- Have I mentioned how pissed off I am about the jacked-up nature of thus year’s TV schedule? It’s as if the networks are intentionally trying to jerk us around so we don’t know when our favorite shows will be on and when they will have new episodes broadcast. There was the prolonged hiatus starting right after Thanksgiving, a break that lasted varying amounts of time for each individual show, even within a certain network. So you had shows coming back at random intervals during January and February, and you were never sure if your shows were back to new episodes yet or when to expect them. Then, just as we started to settle back into a decent rhythm, POW! In come a bevy of new shows (most of them crap, i.e. the Pussycat Skanks reality show, the newest installments of American Karaoke and America’s Next Top Runway Bimbo) and then you had some shows showing new episodes, with others taking another extended break to make room for these new shows for eight weeks or so. Then, for example, most every regular show on a network like the CW was on break from new episodes except Smallville, which just returned from its winter break on March 15, just in time to collide with the first night of March Madness. Thanks for nothing, TV networks, you’ve taken your normal moronic hijinks to a new level, and in the process you’ve managed to confuse and discombobulate the very people you supposedly want to watch your shows each week.

'Roids for wrasslers, where celebs go for community service and giving away frozen land

- The scope of the steroid scandal brought upon us by a federal raid on an Orlando-based medical supply facility keeps widening. As is to be expected, more names are leaking out every few days, and now those names include eleven professional wrestlers, a fact that isn't surprising to anyone, anywhere. Current WWE stars Randy Orton and Adam Copeland, who wrestles under the name Edge, are among those listed in the records of the Orlando pharmacy. Orton received eight shipments from the company, and all told he ordered six different drugs, including Stanozol and Nandrolone, both classified as steroids. Those who are trying to draw some sort of similitude between pro wrestlers using steroids and professional athletes doing the same are badly misguided, I gotta say. This goes back to the fundamental point that pro wrestling, while it contains some elements of sports and athleticism, is entertainment and more like a TV drama than a professional sports. Randy Orton taking steroids is the same as an actor like Sly Stallone taking HGH, because both are performing in a setting where the outcomes are predetermined and where there is no “competitive balance” to be altered by using performance enhancers. Most pro wrestlers achieve success because of their physiques and conditioning, so it’s not surprising that they would turn to steroids for help. Now if that help is classified as illegal, then they are going to be subject to prosecution, but just don’t try to sell me on the fact that Orton and his Nandrolone are the same as Barry Bonds (allegedly) ‘roiding up in an attempt to break baseball’s career home run record.

- I can think of nothing more symbolic of the absolute absurdity of the war in Iraq than the fact that the President made a speech at a special ceremony to commemorate the fourth anniversary of our wrongful, misguided invasion of Iraq. Not to sound all British, but who in the bloody hell commemorates an awful milestone like that? Those are the things we should be ashamed of, not things we should be commemorating. An amusing part of W.’s speech came when he warned about a “contagion of violence” that could ensue if American troops were withdrawn, and I say amusing because you know that there is no frakkin’ way that he has any idea what the word contagion means and that it took him and a speech coach the better part of a week to hammer out the correct way to pronounce the word. The basic focus of the speech was a message of opposition to Congress and its impending debate and vote on imposing deadlines for pulling out of Iraq, but based on his record of stupidity, short-sightedness, ineptitude and incompetence, W.’s words no longer carry much weight. He’s shown he has no clue how to best handle this situation, and that someone else is going to have to step in and throw down some mandates or this war will drag on for another five years. Toss out all the idle words and meaningless proclamations you want, W., anyone with more than four brain cells and a hint of capacity for critical thinking has long since stopped listening to you.

- Celebrities have trendy vacation spots, trendy diets and workout spots, but did you know there’s also a popular spot for celebrities to perform court-order community service? It’s true, as model Naomi Campbell has embarked on a five-day sentence of community service at the Manhattan District 3 Garage after being convicted of assaulting her maid. Freak show and sexual deviant Boy George was sentenced to work off his court-ordered community service at the same sanitation depot, so clearly this is the place to go when you’ve assaulted a maid or falsely report a burglary, as Boy George did, and a judge decides you need to spend time serving your community. On the flip side, it would definitely make your own community service more interesting if you showed up to mop floors and empty trash cans and there was Naomi Campbell working right alongside you. Just don’t get on her bad side or you would quickly find out what her maid felt like when Campbell hurled a cell phone at her………

- Just because you have the right to free speech doesn’t mean that what you say has any merit or isn't completely moronic. Whether moronic, bizarre free speech is allowed is the question before the Supreme Court as it considers a five-year old case pitting a high school senior (now probably out of college) against his old high school principal. The student, as he was at the time of the incident, is Joseph Frederick, unfurled a 14-foot banner across the street from his school that read “Bong Hits for Jesus” that, amazingly, his principal, Deborah Morse, objected to. She suspended Frederick, who brought suit on the basis that his banner was a nonsensical message that did not promote drug usage and was merely an experiment testing the bounds of the First Amendment. In his defense, the incident did take place in Alaska, and there really isn't much excitement in that frozen tundra of a state, so mixing it up with some bong hit humor might cross the mind of your average teenage guy. Something in me suspects that Frederick might have done a little, um, experimentation, in this area, but that’s just my hypothesis. But you get a group of high school guys together, mix in a little alcohol, weed and a need to cause trouble and a banner like this is almost a logical result. While I would label Frederick as a tool for putting up the banner, I can’t say that it’s anything more than a harmless stunt that should not have gotten him suspended. Morse sounds like she’s got a stick up her butt that needs dislodged, and what she needs is a sense of humor, not a win in this court case.

- Need proof of my criticisms of Alaska as a dismal place to live with no real appeal to anyone outside of Eskimos? The town of Anderson, located in the southern portion of the state, literally gave away 26 large plots of land on Monday. All you had to do was get in line and plunk down a refundable $500 deposit and you could get the land, although why anyone would want a frozen chunk of Alaskan real estate, even if it was free, is befuddling. The lots were all given out, but the bottom line is this: if you have to give away land in order to entice people to come live in your town, then your town is not worth living in. I don’t see any states in the non-Arctic portions of the U.S. giving away free land, because those states are actually habitable and don’t require five layers of clothing for the 11½ months of the year that comprise winter in Alaska. My basic rule when deciding if I would live in a town is thus: if I don’t need a refrigerator because it doesn’t get warm enough outside to thaw my food out for weeks on end, then I’ll take a pass on living in that place. ‘Nuff said.

- A point of clarification needs to be made regarding the evaluation of the work done by this year’s NCAA Tournament selection committee. The suggestion that simply because 10 of the top 12 seeds and no team seeded lower than seventh (seeds are 1-16 in each of four regions), that the committee did its job well. Basically, those making this argument claim that the teams the committee seeded higher validated their seeding by beating teams seeded lower. I can only surmise that the people making this claim are not especially knowledgeable about college basketball and about the selection process, because an overwhelmingly large portion of the complaints lodged against the selection committee aren't about the seeding of teams in the tournament; 99.9% of pissed off fans, coaches and alumni are angry that their team didn’t even make the tournament. As an alum of a team (Akron) that was egregiously screwed over by the selection committee despite 26 wins, I don’t give a crap who was seeded where amongst teams who did make the tournament. The fact that Arkansas received a 12-seed and Stanford was seeded at 11 in their region does little to assuage my outrage over the fact that these undeserving squads made the tournament to begin with, then subsequently were routed in the opening round. I don’t care if all four of the top seeds make the Final Four, the correct grade for this year’s committee is clear: F-.

Places you can't assault people, reasons you can't assult sled dogs and being held hostage on an airport runway

- Someone needs to let Joey Porter know that just because a guy is your rival on the football field and you engage in intense physical combat on the gridiron, that doesn’t mean you can also assault said guy when you see him across the table from you at a Vegas casino. Porter, recently released by his old team, the Pittsburgh Steelers and signed by the Miami Dolphins, punched Cincinnati Bengals offensive lineman Levi Jones in the head at the Palms hotel-casino Sunday night, according to a police report. It’s worth noting that the Steelers, with whom Porter had played his entire career before his release due to salary cap issues, are major rivals of the Bengals, Jones’ team. They play one another twice a year, so undoubtedly Porter and Jones have locked horns a few times on the field. That being said, Joey, you need to learn how to turn the switch on and off in terms of your aggression and physicality toward opposing players based on whether you are playing football or just seeing them in a social setting. While it might be appropriate to crack a guy upside the head within the context of a game (even then you may be penalized), it is not acceptable to do likewise when you find yourself at the same blackjack table and you don’t like that he doubled down and then stayed on 17. Another example which may help you: when a running back comes around the end of the line and turns up field, it is acceptable for you to lower your shoulder and fly at him to make the tackle. You can spear him to the ground viciously, you can try to drive him right into the ground if you want. However, if you are in Vegas and that same running back tries to cut in the buffet line ahead of you, it would then be inappropriate to execute that same vicious tackle on him. Hope that helps, Joey, I’m here for you if you have any other questions on social etiquette vs. football field etiquette.

- Now I think that the producers of Dancing With the (D-list) Stars are deliberately baiting me. I’ve been on their case for a while now because they take people they allege to be “stars” that are actually either a) washed up, b) have never actually been stars and are only known because they are connected to someone who is connected to someone who achieved a marginal degree of fame a decade ago, or c) are furiously scrambling to build an acting or movie career and are looking for any vehicle they can find to facilitate that. This season’s cast of hacks, losers, nobodies and pariahs include an amputee (Heather Mills, known only because she was married to someone with actual talent, Paul McCartney, Laila Ali (famous only because her dad is a world-famous former heavyweight boxing champ), Billy Ray Cyrus (never had actual musical talent but had one terrible hit about 12 years ago in the country music world because quite frankly, you don’t need actual talent to succeed in country music), Shandi Finnessey (who? I’ve honestly never heard of this woman), Paulina Porizkova (again, who are these people?) and Ian Ziering (still trying to ride the momentum of appearing on one of the most contrived TV shows ever, 90210). I defy you to argue that any of these people are A-list stars or that you’d be excited about the prospect of spending a day with any of them…..yeah, that’s what I thought.

- Like a cranky two-year-old (and with about the same level of intelligence), W. has decided that no matter what the bill is that Congress sends his way, right now he’s just going to stomp his foot and say “No!” to everything. In the past week, he has promised to veto bills dealing with presidential records, with protection for corporate whistle-blowers and a Senate bill that would have set a deadline for American withdrawal from Iraq. Of course he was going to veto the Iraq bill, this putz has no use for any logical, practical, smart or reasonable suggestions when it comes to the war in Iraq. He’s made a huge blunder, and by God, he’s going to take this joke as far as it can go. The more absurd and destructive it is for our country, the better! A fourth bill, this one with a war-spending focus, is also in line for a veto because Congress had the audacity to include “Iraq withdrawal language.” Why W. has picked now to start his “no” phase, I don’t know. He’s only vetoed one bill in his previous six years in office, but perhaps someone just told him what veto means and now he’s anxious to exercise that right. If I were a member of Congress, I would continue passing bills on random subjects with no real purpose, just to flood W.’s desk and totally overwhelm this poor sap. It’s be fun to see if he just started vetoing bills without even reading them, kinda like when you have a lot of papers to sign and you start signing your name without even reading the pages. I’m on record now as saying that, even with a couple years left, this is the worst presidency in U.S. history. We’re witnessing world-class ineptitude here, folks, take a moment to step back and appreciate it in all of its ignominy.

- It’s the worst travel experience you can find yourself in (well, outside of your plane crashing anyhow): you’re out on the end of the runway, waiting for takeoff, and your plane just sits there. Every few minutes, in ever-decreasing frequency, the pilot comes on and gives some half-hearted update, promising you’ll be taking off soon. Yet there you sit for hours on end. Thankfully, I’ve only been a part of a three-hour wait on the runway (due to fog, of all things), but passengers at New York’s JFK airport ended up waiting for freaking nine hours or more due to inclement weather. One passenger was on a flight to Vancouver that was canceled and he waited on a plane from midnight to 9:30 a.m. Theoretically, the airlines keep the planes out on the runway in the hopes that they will be able to take off and they won't have used up all that fuel for nothing, which would be true if they return to the gate. Also, perhaps they don’t want to lose their spot in the pecking order for takeoffs. But at some point, you really have to stop and consider your passengers. Y’know, the people who pay hundreds of dollars to fly on your planes? You may not want to keep them cramped up inside a metal tube on wheels for nine hours. They start getting pissed off, cranky and claustrophobic. Many of them (who invariably sit next to me) have small infants who never stop making noise. After three or four hours, there ought to be a federal law that you have to return to the gate and allow people to exit the plane if they want to. Holding someone hostage on a plane with nothing but tiny bags of mini pretzels and Sprite is just cruel and unnecessary. On top of that, you’ve probably already confiscated many of their toiletries (toothpaste, mouthwash, etc.) from their carry-on bags because they were, gasp, over three ounces! Now I realize how smart John Madden is to have his tricked-out bus he takes to every football game he broadcasts instead of flying.

- I used to outright mock people like Paris Hilton and Britney Spears for having those itsy bitsy dogs that fit into their purses and for outfitting those dogs in designer sweaters and pet jewelry. I say “used to” because I’m starting to realize, courtesy of those at the other end of the Pet Owner Spectrum, that maybe having an annoying little yapper dog and spending thousands of dollars on it ain’t so bad. Three people have helped convince me of this lately, all three athletes: Sacramento Kings forward Ron Artest, Atlanta Falcons defensive lineman Jonathan Babineaux and most recently, Iditarod competitor Ramy Brooks. If you don’t know much about the Iditarod, it’s an uber-long dog race through the frozen nowhere lands of Alaska where competitors drive teams of husky sled dogs for miles and miles over the course of several weeks. Brooks is one of those competitors, and he took Artest’s and Babineaux’s examples of animal cruelty and pushed them to new heights. Artest was accused recently by a neighbor of leaving his dogs out in the yard for weeks on end without feeding them, and Babineaux was accused of animal abuse after his girlfriend’s pit bull, in his custody, died of a “massive head injury”; Brooks, however, took it up a notch when he went all out raging psychopath on his sled dogs, beating two of them to death with a trail marking lathe. I’m literally at a loss for words. Dragging those dogs through the cold, barren wilderness is bad enough, but if they aren't cooperating when you want them to mush, then you are left with several options, but none of them is beating the animal to death with a trail marking lathe. Find some new dogs, yell at them, try to push and cajole them forward, but how’s about you leave the fatal assault out of the equation, Ramy? Maybe you, Artest and Babineaux need to bust a phone call to NBA star Kevin Garnett for some lessons on how to care for your animal. After all, Garnett has his dogs in a heated kennel with a flat screen TV in each dog’s living quarters. Also, I’m 100% sure that KG doesn’t bust out with a trail marking lathe when his dogs don’t obey orders AND he feeds them regularly, so you three can definitely learn a lot from him.

Mark McGrath is desperate, protestors are desperate to end the Iraq debacle and W. is desperately stupid

- Isn't it about time that we set up some sort of shift schedule for the Iraq war protests in Washington? There seems to be a protest or two going on at all times, and God knows that there are enough pissed off people with enough valid reasons to march and demonstrate against this abomination, so can't we just divvy this thing up, maybe go on some sort of bi-weekly rotation or something? The latest protest took place Saturday, with an estimated 10,000 to 20,000 demonstrators marching to denounce the war on the fourth anniversary of our ill-fated invasion of a country we had no reason to invade. Also, it was the 40th anniversary of a massive protest against the Vietnam War, so those two dates dovetailed nicely. Ironically, the war in Iraq is pretty much W.’s version of what ‘Nam was for Nixon. You could even pull out old protest signs and materials from 1967, replace Vietnam with Iraq, replace Nixon with Bush and you’re good to go. The protest march passed by Arlington National Cemetery and ended at the Pentagon, even as near-freezing temperatures made for a miserable afternoon. Where was our brainless leader during all of this, you ask? Oh, W. was away for the weekend at Camp David, probably trying to work his way through the final few pages of the most recent Curious George book.

- Mark McGrath’s predictable downward spiral has hit its next low point. The former frontman of Sugar Ray, one of the most absurdly stupid acts in bubble gum pop music, has now landed a role of some sort on the reality debacle from the Pussycat Skanks, The Search for the Next Doll/Skank. When I read the news, I can't say as I was surprised, because McGrath has been on the way down every since he first appeared in the public eye. Sugar Ray was a sorry excuse for a pop band with no depth, no musical talent and little more than a ploy to appeal to teenage girls as the “rock” band for them. However, when you appear as a live musical act in a movie with Matthew Lillard and Freddie Prinze Jr. (Scooby Doo: The Movie), that’s a clear sign that any legitimacy you had as a musician is gone. Now, McGrath has leeched on at the lowest rung on the musical ladder, a group of dancing bimbos who couldn’t write lyrics better than those heard on your average Barney the Dinosaur sing-along video. I look forward to your appearance on The Surreal Life 14 with Britney Spears and Sammy Sosa, Marky.

- Yet another thing I saw coming: Michael Mankaymer, 35, jumped off of a cruise chip near Miami and was rescued by the Coast Guard abut eight hours later. Of course Mankaymer jumped off the Carnival Glory ship, he, like me, knew he was far safer in the open waters of the Atlantic than on a disease-ridden death trap that is your average cruise ship. In the ocean, he would be safe from Norovirus and all the other viruses and food poisoning illnesses that seem to best passengers on every single cruise ship that has ever set sail. I’m willing to beat that Mankaymer’s wife or girlfriend dragged him onto the cruise and he was merely taking his shot to escape before he became stricken with some sort of terrible illness. The true question here is why more cruise ship passengers don’t jump overboard. Even if there are sharks and you might be at the mercy of the tides and the hot, harmful rays of the sun with no cover to shield you, are your chances really that much worse than if you stay aboard the ship? Mankaymer’s first words once aboard the cruise ship were, I am told, “Whatever you do, just don’t take me back to that cruise ship. Lock me up, take me to a hospital, just don’t send me back to that breeding ground for viruses and food poisoning.”

- Like Mark McGrath and his former band, Sugar Ray, another group that has made its reputation by appealing mostly to girls ages 13-17 is a group hailing from my neck of the woods, Canton, Ohio, Relient K. The boys of Relient K, whose composition is ever changing (only two of the original four remain), are out with a new album, Five Score and Seven Years Ago. I can't say as there’s anything that bad about this album, but I also can't say that there’s anything especially good, either. One thing missing are the normally wacky, off-the-wall song titles and goofy subject matter you can always find at least once or twice on your average Relient album. Still, the free-and-easy punk rockin’ is there, without a lot of depth and with lyrics that don’t offer much in the way of subtlety. Come Right Out and Say It and Devastation and Reform are prototypical Relient K songs, and most of the album is radio-friendly. As with the five previous albums from the group, it’s good listening, but it doesn’t show any development or advancement of Relient K musically. It’s the same old same old, which will of course be just fine with the aforementioned teen chick demographic that the group garners most of its support from. To sum it up, it’s an album that you’d enjoy listening to if you had it and wouldn’t get tired of, but it’s also an album you’d have a hard time convincing yourself to spend the money to purchase.

- For the second time in as many days, I’m here to bring you news about a teacher-student sex scandal. Not so long ago, the Mary Kay Laternau scandal was a big deal in the country, but now sex scandals between teachers and their students are more common than stories of Britney Spears rehab stints and Pacman Jones run-ins with police. This story comes by way of Wilmington, Del., where a sixth-grade science teacher has been sentenced to 10 years in prison for getting after it with one of her 13-year-old students. Rachel L. Holt, 35, was convicted of second degree rape for having sex with the unidentified boy, who I’m sure won't have any long-term consequences, mentally and emotionally, from this. Sure, for the next few weeks he’ll be a hero with his fellow 13 and 14-year-old buddies, but I’m guessing that down the road, this whole affair (pun intended) will cause some serious issues for this kid. Maybe it’s just me, but if you’re desperate enough that even sex with a 13-year-old student of yours is acceptable, then you are no longer fit to be teaching anywhere or to be anywhere other than a psych ward or prison, which conveniently enough is where Ward is now headed.

$532 billion in mistakes, plus more teachers who can't keep their hands to themselves

- After watching nearly every minute of coverage on CBS for the NCAA Tournament’s first two rounds, three disturbing trends have come to the forefront. First, the strategy of fouling to extend the game has gotten out of hand. The practice has grown much more common in recent years, with a team on the losing end of the score intentionally fouling the other team, sending the leading team to the free throw line. The hope is simply for the team in the lead to miss it’s free throws and for the trailing team to get the ball back quickly and make their own shots to catch up. Unfortunately, things have gotten a little absurd…..OK, they’ve gotten extremely absurd. Now you have teams down by 17-18 points or so with less than a minute to go, still fouling. The clock ticks down under 20 seconds, they trail by 14 points, yet they foul away. Look, losing team coaches, we all get that you don’t like to lose and don’t want to admit defeat, but this is taking that to the insane extreme. You are no longer brave, courageous and fighting til the bitter end; you are instead pathetic, stupid and prolonging a game that is O-V-E-R to the extent that every fan in the arena, both your fans and the other team’s fans, are openly booing every idiotic foul. Give it up, because you’re turning games into two and a half hour monstrosities. My second beef is with coaches who take last names off of the back of your team’s jerseys in some misguided attempt to show team unity and togetherness. This is as hokey as it sounds, turning every player into an anonymous part of the whole, as if you are bringing everyone together and solving every team chemistry issue with that. Plain and simple, it’s a cheap, gimmicky trick that doesn’t do a darn thing to help your team win. Lastly, I am completely appalled that the concept of defense has essentially been boiled down to a player getting beat to the basket by the man he’s guarding, and one of the defender’s teammates trying to slide in and take the charge. There’s an attempt to take a charge, or more accurately a flop by a defender, on nearly every play so far in the tournament.

- What might you do with an extra $532 billion lying around? It’s an intriguing question, and one we as Americans could actually be considering if the ass hat in charge of our nation, W., hadn’t started and sustained the indefensible, idiotic war in Iraq. Estimates of the cost for the war show that between 2003 and 2008 (projected out, obviously), that $532 billion is the expected amount of appropriations and funds requested for the war effort. Better yet, more than 3,200 U.S. troops have been killed in Iraq, a staggering total that’s even worse than the massive financial hit. This could be crazy talk, but couldn’t $532 billion help fix a whole lot of roads, help thousands of displaced and decimated families in the Gulf Coast region rebuild after Katrina and provide a whole lot of help for a Social Security system that is struggling badly and seems headed for disaster? Aren't those immediate needs within our own borders far more important than some unnecessary war with no point, no relevant purpose (as far as Americans are concerned) and no end in sight? Thanks for wasting hundreds of billions of dollars on this, W., this alone is reason for the next ten generations of Americans to retroactively hate you and to look back on yours as the single worst presidency in American history. You suck.

- Ever question how sanitary and safe that cafeteria food at your elementary, junior high or high school is? Or maybe it’s your kids who are now subjected to the questionable edibility of macaroni and meat, Salisbury steak and vegetable medleys. Regardless, it has to be disturbing to find out that an average of one in 10 schools don’t receive the bi-annual health inspections mandated by Congress in order to prevent food poisoning. It is stunning, I know, that people do not comply with what Congress orders, especially since the federal government itself has failed to meet energy specifications set for appliances and other utility products despite 34 different deadlines being set in the past few years. One of the common violations that go overlooked in cafeterias that do not receive proper inspections is storing food at incorrect temperatures, which I’m sure isn't a problem either. Those meat-like products America’s children are served certainly can't spoil if they’re kept at the wrong temperature, can they? Oops, maybe they can…..and while you’re chewing on that thought, know that not only are 10 percent of school cafeterias not inspected at all, another 29 percent receive only one inspection per year, not the mandated two. Yup, we’ve got us another prime example of governmental efficiency and effectiveness at its best.

- Teacher-student hook ups are becoming more and more common, but two sex scandals popping up on the same day, with one ending in a fatality is excessive. The fatality came in Knoxville, Tenn., where an 18-year-old who was having an affair with his married, 30-year-old teacher was fatally shot at that teacher’s home with the husband of the teacher the prime suspect. Yeah, I’d imagine coming home to find your wife getting at it with one of her students would be upsetting, but pulling a gun and shooting the guy? You go that route and what you’re saying is, “Hey, I’d rather spend the rest of my life in prison than hire a divorce lawyer, give my wife the boot and go about building a new life.” Not the wisest option, even in the heat of the moment. Terrible as it is, that story doesn’t turn my stomach as much as this next one does. A first-grade teacher in Salt Lake City, Frank L. Hall, 36, has been charged with sexually abusing three students inside his classroom. Ironically, Hall was honored last year as one of the best teachers in Utah. This would be a bizarre turn, except late last year, a Pennsylvania teacher who won an award as the top teacher in her state was convicted of having sex with and providing alcohol for a male student. Still, it’s a lot less perverted than Hall’s offense, because anyone who would sexually abuse six-year-olds is just a vile, reprehensible person. I’m sure your future fellow inmates will take verrrrry kindly to you once they learn you’re a child molester, Frank. Something tells me you just might find out how those students you (allegedly) molested felt once you’ve spent some time behind bars.

Terrorists protect bananas, sleep-drivers are on the loose and a warning for March Madness gravy trainers

- If you want to be totally technical about it, then I suppose you can make a mildly convincing claim that Chiquita Brands International did something kinda sorta a little bit wrong in paying a Colombian terrorist group for protection of the company’s farmlands in a volatile region of the South American nation. I, however, choose to take a different view of the situation. The incredible $25 million fine being assessed by the U.S. Justice Department seems extremely high, because if you look at it this way, it doesn’t seem like such an egregious sin: in recent months tomatoes, spinach, lettuce, cantaloupes, mushrooms and spinach have been recalled for bearing dangerous bacteria and illness-causing agents like E. coli. But have you heard of any such offense from bananas? No. Now I’m not saying for sure that the protection from the terrorist group helps Chiquita stay pollutant and bacteria free, but if having their fields and orchards protected by some leftist terror group allows Chiquita’s people to focus on making their products safe and free of E. coli, then I might allow them a little more leeway. We’ve got enough illness-causing food on the market, slowly we are running out of fruits and veggies that are actually safe to eat.

- Ain’t smoking great? Besides being a deadly killer for both smokers and the unfortunate victims upon whom smokers foist their secondhand smoke and being a vile addiction that millions of people are unable to shake, now smoking is causing fires and explosions. An adult care home in Raleigh, N.C. was smoking near oxygen tanks (always a super idea, assuming you know nothing at all about chemistry and physics and what happens when you mix pure oxygen and an open flame) and caused three explosions and a massive fire that left one person dead and 20 others injured. Super, just super……you make a product that’s so addictive that people are willing to use it in a setting where it can cause massive explosions and fires and result in the death of an innocent bystander. The tobacco industry is the most worthless and vile industry we have in America, and if they were shut down and permanently banned tomorrow, America would be a better place for it.

- This could be a problem: the Food and Drug Administration warned Wednesday that all prescription sleeping pills could sometimes cause sleep-driving, a fact that isn't at all alarming considering that millions of people nationwide are on these drugs. Makers of the 13 prescription insomnia pills currently on the market will have to put warning labels on their packages alerting consumers to this danger, but how many people really read the fine print? Ironically, though, I’m debating whether people driving while asleep would actually make out nation’s highways any less safe, considering how some of the ass hats on the road drive when they are awake. If you’re drinking your uber-hot coffee, talking on your cell phone, steering with one hand and trying to apply makeup or fix your hair with your other hand, is being asleep really that much worse? This sleep-driver phenomenon is just one more danger on an already too-long list of road hazards, and maybe not cause for as much alarm as you might think.

- A brief human rights rant: an Illinois couple is pissed, claiming that the state’s ban on the arcane practice of administering shock treatments to certain mental patients is harmful to their son. To be fair, their son is 48-year-old Bradley Bernstein, who suffers from autism, and they say an electronic cattle prod (yikes!) is all that keeps him from having fits and seizures and harming himself. I’m not a doctor, but I’ll play one here: there has to be something more humane and less crude than a cattle prod to treat your son. Autism is a scary and difficult disorder, but I can't bring myself to get behind the use of a cattle prod for any treatment of any sort. There’s a reason it’s called a “cattle” prod and not a “human” prod, people…………

- My love for March Madness is matched by my utter disdain for all of the cutesy name ripoff attempts made by businesses, networks and pretty much any other entity trying to sell or promote something during the NCAA Tournament. These March Madness Knockoffs, as I have labeled them, include gems like “Mattress Mania”, “Mazda Mania,” and one especially moronic term created by the boss at a place I used to work, “Banquet Madness” (to promote uber-boring, all-too-frequent banquets used as fund raisers). People who use these terms think they are being funny and creative, and I stress think. What they are is disingenuous, idiotic, unoriginal and ass hats. If what you’re doing has nothing to do with basketball and is, especially in the case of those banquets, not exciting, not interesting and not something I want to be anywhere near, then don’t try to gravy train on the popularity of the best event in all of sports through some ham-handedly crafted name for your event that not-so-cleverly tries to play on the name of March Madness. You look like even more of a jabroni than you already are, so if you’re thinking about going this route, do us all a favor….don’t.

Billy Packer - you are an ASS, with extra emphasis on the ASS portion of the word

- My feelings about CBS basketball announcer Billy Packer are one of the more clearly delineated things in my life: Billy Packer is a pompous ass, plain and simple. As such, when something moronic comes flying out of his pie hole on-air, I reserve the right to catalogue it and skewer him for it. Today’s NCAA Tournament broadcasts provided two prime examples of Packer being an idiot, and they are as follows: 1) during the UNLV-Georgia Tech game, Packer commented about UNLV forward Wendell White, “Willie White needs to come back now and expose himself.” I think Packer was trying to say that White needed to make himself available to receive a pass, but he never made that clear with a follow-up comment. Instead, it sounds like he’s reading from Michael Jackson’s Handbook for Interactions with Young Boys, which advocates exposing yourself as often as humanly possible. The second Packer foul-up was when he decided that a tall player for Texas A&M - Corpus Christi was “a tall target in the middle of the court to try and throw a pass over.” Billy, let me go ahead and explain the concept of the word “target” to you….a target is something you throw at, not to. If you are trying to throw over this guy, he is not the target; the spot above him you are trying to throw to is the target and he himself is an obstacle or an obstruction. By their very definition, targets are things you throw at, and since he was on the opposing team and was defending against the pass instead of being its intended recipient, he literally cannot be a target. See, Billy, this is what you get when you’re an arrogant, pompous, self-important, blowhard ass of a man; people look for everything you do wrong (not hard in this case) and tear you a new one for it. I know CBS won't fire you because you’ve been around for decades and you have tenure and all, but the tournament broadcasts would be immeasurably better without your sourpuss, contrarian act around to pollute them.

- How the hell do people come up with ideas like this and actually claim they’ve done any work or put any thought into them? The new NBC comedy (I think) Raines, starring Jeff Goldblum, is not only a pathetic-looking show, it’s a blatant ripoff of two shows already on the air. While Ghost Whisperer and Medium aren't specifically about a male detective who sees visions of murder victims that help him solve crimes, they’re damn close to having the exact same premise. Neither one is a good show, for starters, and both center around protagonists who communicate with deceased people. Heck, Ghost Whisperer even has its main character (Jennifer Love Hewitt, whose, um, physical appeal, is the only redeeming quality of the show) seeing dead people and communicating with them to solve problems left unsolved by their death. The creators of GW and Medium should seriously sue NBC and Raines’ creators for copyright infringement. I know coming up with a premise for a show that’s original is tough nowadays, but this is blatantly offensive because it looks like those responsible for Raines didn’t even make an attempt.

- It’s a bloodbath for my favorite TV shows this spring, and it’s starting to seriously depress me. Already, we’ve seen the demise of The O.C. in February, and now I am forced to cope with the news that three other shows I watch regularly, including one long, long-time favorite and another I consider among the best shows on TV, could be done after this season. At the top of that list is Gilmore Girls, a show in its seventh season and still going strong. Contract discussions for an eighth season have reportedly stalled out, meaning that at this point it’s a near certainty that it’s over for Rory, Lorelai, Luke and Star’s Hollow’s quirky cast of characters. Worse yet, the Tuesday night companion of Gilmore on the CW, Veronica Mars, is also in serious danger of being axed. Mars is newer, only in its third year, but it is an amazingly well-done show, interesting, thought-provoking, funny, charming and with a great cast of characters who you care about. Scenarios of how to squeeze a fourth season out for the show are being discussed, but I have to issue a serious warning to CW head honcho Dawn Ostroff: Listen you brain dead, intellectually stunted piece of crap, you already f’d me and many others over when you inexplicably and unjustifiably cancelled Everwood after last season and kept the gawd-awful 7^th Heaven. So help me, if you get rid of both Gilmore Girls and Veronica Mars, I will hunt you down, kidnap you and systematically amputate every last one of your fingers and toes, without anesthetic. I will then force you to watch a continuous loop of 7^th Heaven reruns while drinking the hottest hot sauce known to man and having your body continually scrubbed with steel wool and thumb tacks. Do I make myself clear? Oh, I almost forgot, the CW is also seriously considering canceling One Tree Hill, another show I watch regularly, even though I’m not nearly as attached to it as I am to the other two shows. Still, this is like a new coach taking over an NFL or NBA team and systematically trading away or releasing every single player who was brought in by the team’s former regime, simply to get rid of any guys that aren’t “his” guys. The CW should be ripped from the airwaves for even considering the moves I’ve just mentioned, and if you think I’m joking about those threats, Ostroff, try me, b*tch, because I’m very much not kidding.

Improving international relations with a ginormous wall and why you might wanna drive carefully with pot on board

- When I read that President Bush is promising to work better with Mexico when it comes to policies and international relations, it warms my heart…..well, mostly that’s because nothing says “We want to work with you more and having better relations between our two countries,” quite like planning to erect a giant wall on the border to keep out would-be illegal immigrants from the other country in this equation. Mexican President Felipe Calderon met with W. when our Dumbass in Chief visited Mexico on his tour of Central and South America (yup, good choice, start an unnecessary war in the Middle East, allow it to deteriorate into an international debacle, then go on a tour of Colombia, Mexico and other countries who have nothing to do with said war. Unless this is some sort of scouting mission to find the next country we want to senselessly and wrongfully attack and invade……). Another issue discussed was drug trafficking, which allows Calderon to point out what his government has been doing to combat this vice while also criticizing the U.S. for not doing enough to help. What better response to that criticism than to build a gigantic freaking wall? Lastly, how charming and reassuring to hear W. claim he’ll dedicate the final years of his presidency to overhauling immigration law. Hey ass hat, why don’t you go ahead and focus on the joke of a war you’ve forced America into? Think you can devote some attention to that? As much as everyone else in America knows you’re a moronic ass clown and that this war is a total disgrace, you’re the only one with the final authority to pull our troops out and end it. So break out your crayons and write in (or perhaps have someone else help you to write in) time on your planner to think about ways to fix the whole Iraq mess. Thanks……..

- Who doesn’t love a good dynamic duo? Batman and Robin, Jordan and Pippen, Starsky and Hutch…..and the list goes on. The particular dynamic duo chosen by Seattle Seahawks tight end Jerramy Stevens is not one of those duos we all know and love, at least not the law enforcement professionals among us. Stevens, enjoying his off-season in the way many athletes seem to, was picked up by the cops in Arizona for a DUI and for possession of the hippie lettuce. On Tuesday, Scottsdale, Ariz. police pulled over Stevens for driving erratically and surprise, surprise, they found some of the chronic in his vehicle. Is there an athlete out there who doesn’t like to smoke weed? Honestly, every athlete brush with the law seems to involve pot. Guys that haven't been arrested for it admit in interviews that they enjoy smoking it, and Ricky Williams was willing to leave the NFL for a year so he could keep on gettin’ high. Stevens is already known as an irritant on the field by opponents, and he’s rubbed some of his own teammates the wrong way with his ‘tude. What should be readily apparent to Stevens and to all his other stoner/athlete buddies is this: if you have marijuana in your vehicle, you’re going to want to avoid any other illegal behavior or actions that might lead to the cops pulling you over and thus finding your stash. Don’t drive intoxicated, don’t go 100 m.p.h., don’t drive stoned….you get the point. If you have your weed on your person, make sure you drive within the confines of the law, then smoke your tree whenever you get home or to the home of a friend you’re going to visit. Seems like I should have to say that, but from the looks of it, I need to state it clearly and frequently.

- The true fun in this whole governmental crackdown on steroids, HGH and performance-enhancing drugs in general is hearing the lame-o excuses and explanations that the athletes and other individuals accused of purchasing the drugs offer for their alleged transgressions. Take, for example, Sly Stallone, who has been fingered for bringing the prohibited human growth hormone Jintropin into Australia in February. Honestly, though, I don’t think anyone really believes that Sly was intending to use those 48 vials of HGH, especially this particular one, which is commonly used as an anti-aging substance which reduces excess body fat, increases muscle mass and decreases wrinkling. Why would anyone believe a 60-year-old man who needs to be in good shape to make boxing and action movies would take a performance enhancer that builds muscle, reduces fat and combats wrinkles? I mean, it’s patently absurd. Additionally, I’m sure the possible $22,000 fine is verrrrrry scary to a man worth tens of millions of dollars. Nothing like being fined for a crime and having enough loose change rattling around in your car’s ashtray to pay said fine.

- Cross prison shower drains off your list of ideal places to hide a stolen diamond. Prison officials in Orange County, Calif. discovered a diamond worth $25,000 in one of the prison’s shower drains, and surprisingly, the man accused of stealing said diamond, Bret Allen Langford, is an inmate at the exact same prison. Shocking, I know…….but if you’re convicted of a crime, what does it really hurt to be found with the evidence? It does kinda poke a big hole in your chances of having your conviction overturned. Also, if the plan was holding onto the diamond and using it to finance your new life after your release, then hiding it in the shower drain or losing it there would be problematic. Interestingly, this diamond was stolen two years ago, and it’s just now being found. Just goes to show that in America, you don’t need to be bothered with pesky details like finding the physical evidence in order to convict someone. Just find twelve easily led souls who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty and you can steer them to any verdict you want. This time, thankfully, it looks like they stumbled upon the correct one for a change.

Viva el Donald!

- My main man Donald Trump is back at it. In addition to appearing regularly on recent editions of WWE programming to promote his participation in the upcoming WrestleMania, the Donald is once again launching verbal scud missiles at Rosie O’Donnell for no real reason other than the fact that he finds her revolting and that a couple months back she had the bad sense to make snarky remarks about him. Now that Trump has been riled up, not even the revelation that she is suffering from depression can protect O’Fat from the Donald’s attacks. On the subject of O’Fat’s depression, Trump deadpanned, “I’d probably be depressed to if I looked in the mirror and saw what Rosie sees.” Also, when asked about his nemesis’s therapy method of hanging upside down in some sort of harness contraption, D. Trump replied, “Rosie hanging upside down, now that is something I would pay money not to see.” To that kind of attack, I have only one thing to say: welcome back, Donald, it’s good to have you around taking shots at Rosie again. Just wasn’t the same without you mercilessly taunting and eviscerating O’Fat. Keep it up, lest Rosie get the idea that she’s not still a huge, disgusting loser.

- Someone really needs to explain to me how the frak Arkansas is anywhere near the NCAA Tournament. This mediocre, uninspiring squad blundered through the regular season, thoroughly underwhelming everyone to the point that their head coach, Stan Heath, was rumored to be on the chopping block unless his team won the Southeastern Conference tournament. But the Razorbacks win their opening round game and eventually make it to the tourney final, where they are blown out by Florida, and suddenly they’re NCAA material? Huh? Play like crap all year, just get enough wins to look marginally viable and have a surprising run in your conference tournament and you’re welcome in our tournament seems to be the sentiment from the NCAA. I look forward to seeing you booted out of the tournament on your ass the first game, Arkansas, so I hope you enjoy your entirely undeserved extension of your season.

- Man, this is going to hurt the prospects for their reality TV show. Rob and Amber, the couple that have made a life out of the disgusting spectacle that is reality TV, were eliminated from The Amazing Race on Sunday’s episode, and I’m not all that sad to see them go, but not for the reasons you might think. I’ve had a real issue with these two leeches ever since they used their notoriety of meeting and falling in love on Survivor to crash Amazing Race, one of the only decent reality shows on. You want to pollute Survivor with your narcissistic, self-promoting act, fine, but don’t go ruining a good show. Yet they did just that and because of their success the first time, they were invited back for Amazing Race: All-Stars. Yet they couldn’t hack it on this week’s episode and were eliminated in South America, losing out on the last spot to that annoying lawyer bitch and her oompla loompa midget cousin. Adios, Rob and Amber, take your self-promoting shtick somewhere else.

- Been concerned about the recent lag in random people declaring their intent to run for president in 2008? For a while there, we had about four a day throwing their hat in the ring, then all of the sudden the supply dried up and we were coming dangerously close to resigning ourselves to the candidates we already had and actually having to start examining who these bozos were and what they stood for. Fear not, however, as actor Fred Thompson has announced that he’s considering a run for prez, and he actually has a political background. For 10 years, Thompson was a U.S. senator from Tennessee, and honestly he is probably no less qualified than most of the other 782 candidates who have decided to run for a nomination this time around. Plus, he has fake legal experience, having played a district attorney on Law &Order. I would say that a good measuring stick was to judge Thompson against our current president and see how he stacks up, but let’s be honest: a drunken, stoned woodchuck with a learning disability would stack up favorably to the guy currently sitting in the Oval Office.

- This is government in action, functioning at its highest level. The Food and Drug Administration has established new rules for preventing food poisoning in freshly cut produce, but companies are not required to follow said rules. Instead, produce companies are “urged” to adopt the new guidelines, which are theoretically similar to the rules the meat processing industry is governed by. Disease scares courtesy of tomatoes, spinach, lettuce, cantaloupes, mushrooms and spinach in recent months prompted the new regulations, but unlike the meat industry, the produce industry’s rules are voluntary. Nothing demands that someone clean up their act quite like throwing down the gauntlet with new rules that are more or less suggestions. “You’d better stop producing products that make people sick and kill them, or else we’ll…..we’ll…….do nothing. Yeah, that’s right, don’t make us mad!” These kinds of decisions are why I absolutely love our government, because who wants an effective governing body that actively protects the well being of its citizens and enforces the rules it creates? Not me!

- Wow. Someone isn't running for president. Sen. Chuck Hagel, R.-Neb., has decided against running for the Republican nomination in ’08, electing (pun intended) to focus on his Congressional duties. I find this particularly stunning because scores of senators and representatives are eschewing their duties to go out and campaign for president, yet Hagel wants to hang around Washington and actually try to find a way out of what he termed “the mess in Iraq” that W. has created. Kudos to you, Chuck, although it does seem fundamentally absurd to praise someone just for doing what they were elected to do. Oh well, maybe his example will inspire at least a few dozen others to follow suit. Here’s hoping………

Mediocrity rewarded and reasons to HATE DePauw U.

- Freud believed that the goal of therapy was to convert misery and anguish into general, everyday unhappiness. In the world of the NBA, or the New York Knicks at least, the goal seems to be to convert all-out suckiness into mediocrity. Isaiah Thomas, the coach and general manager of the most perpetually inept and formerly great franchise in the Association, took over the team this year after serving solely as general manager because owner James Dolan wanted Thomas to clean up the personnel mess he himself made and to see if he could get anything out of the roster of overpriced, ego-riddled small forwards that Zeke assembled. Thomas was given this year to show “visible improvement”, and if the team didn’t do markedly better than last year’s 23-59 record, he would be gone as both coach and GM. Well, apparently leading your team to a 28-34 record and a spot on the fringe of the playoffs qualifies as the necessary improvement for Zeke to not only keep his job, but to receive an extension. That’s right, he’s the general for a team losing more than half of its games and one that probably won't make the playoffs, but he’s rewarded with an extended contract. Matt Millen and his continued presence with the Detroit Lions think that’s an absurd notion. Millen’s futility as Lions’ GM and Thomas’ repeated failures with the Knicks are just about the two worst general managing jobs in sports over the past five years, but apparently incompetence is rewarded, at least in sports. Good thing Jim Dolan wasn’t in charge of Enron, or he would have given Kenneth Lay a 15 percent pay raise, a new company car and a ten-year contract extension. Well done, Jimmy, well done.

- Much of Europe hates America, more specifically our imbecilic leader, W., and we know that the Middle East isn't crazy about our Buffoon in Chief either. You can check off Sotuh America on that list too, because during W.’s recent visit to Colombia, 1,500 protestors, including students, labor activists and opposition groups, gathered to taunt W.’s caravan as it passed through the streets of Bogotá. Some threw rocks at the caravan, and 100 people were arrested, and may I say that I am deeply proud of all of those people. See, this isn't an American thing, it’s a universal thing. We can all band together to despise incompetence and idiocy from this man. You need not live in the United States to openly loathe W., and perhaps this is the one cause that can unify us all. Protestor Luz Marina Carrillos doesn’t quite get what W. is all about, though. “He wants us all to get on our knees for him,” Carrillos lamented. No, Luz, he doesn’t want you on your knees, he wants you on the next military transport plane to Iraq so you can fight in the atrocity of a war he created and refuses to end. He wants you to fight and potentially die because he can't just own up to the war being a total debacle and failure and simply end it. Still, I am loving your protest, and I honestly wish more Americans would take to throwing rocks at W.

- Haven't seen the movie 300 yet, but for once, it does look like the biggest movie on a given weekend might actually be worth the praise and support it is getting. Based simply on the fact that it doesn’t have an over-the-hill star trying to make a stab at humor and failing miserably (Wild Hogs, anyone?), doesn’t include Pauly Shore or any of the Wayans brothers, isn't a remake of a movie that was successful in the past and has inspired others to piggyback on its success and has (at least judging from the promos) a decent production value and a discernable plot, this movie is a winner. Problem is, it will be hard to tell how good it actually is in a larger sense because 98 percent of the movies in theaters now are so gawd-awful that they make most anything with a modicum of quality to it seem like Citizen Kane. I do look forward to the day, though, when I no longer see the commercial with that one angry Spartan dude screaming…..“This….is….SPARTA!!!”

- I hate DePauw University. I’m going to say that right now and yes, hate is a strong word, but DePauw merits every ounce of hate I can muster. This university is diametrically opposed to what is truly good and right about college, and a decision made by its leaders is absolutely reprehensible. The Delta Zeta sorority was ordered off of the campus by this fall for, get this, only allowing popular, attractive members. Am I the only one missing the problem here? If a sorority only wants hot girls as members, then you don’t boot them off campus, you salute them for a job well done. I’m guessing that none of the fraternities or male students at DePauw had issues with this policy. More likely, some overweight, ugly girls didn’t get in to the sorority and they threw a fit. Well sorry, girls, but this isn't modern youth soccer, where everyone gets to play, no score is kept so no one wins or loses and everyone is treated the same and we all play nice together. The world isn't a place where people have to overlook you being fat and unattractive for everything you want to be involved in. Can you be fired from a job for being fat and ugly? No. Can you be denied admission to a public university for those same reasons? No, and that’s how it should be. Fundamental rights should not be taken away on the basis of criteria like that, but membership in a sorority is different. There are plenty of sororities out there, and if you don’t like any of the ones available, then go Revenge of the Nerds and create your own. Instead, we’ve got an Animal House-like situation, with a Greek organization being run off campus. Worse yet, it’s an organization of hot girls…..this makes me profoundly sad. Of course, all the Delta Zetas will do is find a new house off campus and they can operate outside the guidelines and rules that on-campus Greeks have to abide by. They can be even wilder and more out of control, and coupled with a couple dozen hot sorority girls, that should make them the most popular Greek organization at DePauw.

I'm pissed......I'm just pissed, really pissed

- The NCAA Tournament Selection Committee should be ashamed of itself. I know apologists will say what a hard job these guys have and how many worthy teams they have to consider. My reply is one word: bullshit. These tools sit in their meeting room and apparently smoke dope, take repeated blows to the head and take turns spinning round and round to see who will get dizzy and pass out before making their choices. How else do you explain allowing teams like Arkansas (seriously, freaking Arkansas!) and Stanford in but excluding teams like Drexel, Syracuse, West Virginia and my beloved Akron Zips. Also, how do you ass hats explain the disturbingly decreasing number of mid-major schools in, with a measly six in this year as at-large teams, the lowest total in the past six years. Two of my complaints (Drexel and Akron) are mid-majors, and yet the selection committee goes all highbrow on us and cherry picks undeserving teams just because they are from so-called “power conferences”. So now, it looks like to be a mid-major and get an at large bid, you must be at least 31-2, because otherwise you’ll get the shaft so teams whose asses you could kick can get in based on their conference pedigrees. What a joke……..

- Let’s go ahead and start up the office pools for when a couple of new shows, midseason replacements to be more precise, will be cancelled. Andy Barker, P.I., is a show with a premise that’s um, well, bad. If I need to go into more detail about why an accountant mistakenly falling into the business of being a private investigator is destined to fail, then maybe you need to read a blog with a slightly lower IQ level. Bad premise, and any show that’s lazy enough to derive part of its name and the first name of its main character from the name of the actor playing that character (Andy Barker) doesn’t hold much promise. Second on the list would be The Winner, starring Rob Corddry, formerly of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart fame. See, this is what happens when one guy from a show spins off to his own show and has success, a la Steve Carrell with The Office. Others think they can do the same thing and networks, stupid and clueless as they are, blindly throw money and scripts at these people, hoping they can match what their comrades have done. Sadly for Corddry, when even the promos for your new show, which should theoretically be the funniest, most interesting parts in order to generate interest, suck as bad as the promos for Winner do, there’s no way I’m wasting time watching the actual show itself. So in this case, you could actually go one of two directions with your pool; either bet on when each show will be cancelled individually, or bet on which will be cancelled first. My money is on Andy Barker to get whacked first; I just don’t see any redemptive qualities in the show at all.

- Ladies, next time you complain about a guy not being a gentleman and holding the door open for you, stop and remember this story and realize you may actually be fortunate. Police in New York are searching for a man who is suspected of attacking elderly women and stealing their purses after pretending to be a chivalrous gentleman holding the door for them. His victims include a 101-year-old and an 85-year-old, which officially makes this guy a piece of crap. Attacking a woman is cowardly under any circumstances, but elderly women? C’mon, that’s as low as it goes.

- Know how you can tell when you’re a walking magnet for trouble? When someone tries to knife you at a bowling alley, you can be certain that your life has become more than a little out of hand. Tennessee Titans cornerback and aspiring gangsta Adam “Pacman” Jones is just such a person, and perhaps he is the consummate example of this type of person. For someone who has smashed a fellow student in the head with a pool cue in college, spit on a woman, been a major contributing factor in a strip club brawl that left one man paralyzed and been interviewed by the police more often than most people change their socks, Jones just can't learn his lesson and get away from trouble. He was involved in another incident over the weekend, and although this time he is the victim, his previous trespasses and missteps can't help but make you wonder why this dude isn't locking himself in his house and never coming out. Clayton Smith is the man accused of trying to carve Jones up with a knife, but thankfully no one was hurt in this incident. But overall, the Titans have to be even more sure now that they need to release Jones, because even when he’s not causing a riot or melee, a riot or melee seems to find him anyhow. It’s a matter of time before he kills someone or is shot, and the Titans don’t need this head case on their team.

- Two great albums just out that you’ll be sorry if you miss, one is a blast from the waaaaay back past, one is a fresh face on the music scene that’s only been around, at least in the collective consciousness of the music world, since 2004. In some sense, Iggy Pop can't be a blast from the past because he’s never really gone away for any substantial length of time. What is a throwback to another era, though, is the Igg-ster releasing an album with his old buddies, the Stooges. Iggy has been solo for a long time, and this is his first album with the Stooges since the ‘70s. Along with brothers Ron and Scott Asheton, the Stooges were a Detroit-based band that was a forerunner of the punk movement. Iggy made a name for himself in those days, often by doing things like rolling around in broken glass onstage and generally acting like a madman. This new album, captures much of that feel, but it also shows some evolution. For music fans who weren't around for the first incarnation of Iggy and the Stooges, The Weirdness will be a great experience, and for those who were aorund, it’ll be a great trip back in time. The new face in this story would be the Arcade Fire, a Montreal-based seven-person band that’s become a kitschy cool favorite of indie rock fans all over the world. Any band that dares to bring violins, xylophones, tambourines, a disco ball and a mini-parade onstage at their concert definitely has two things: innovation and balls. The new album from the band is Neon Bible, and it follows in the footsteps of the group’s previous efforts, Funeral (2004) and their self titled album (2005) in the vein of abstract, enigmatic music. This isn't a hopeful optimistic album; in fact, it’s quite the opposite. The world of today isn't a pleasant place in the eyes of Win Butler and his merry band of misfits. “Every spark of friendship and love/Will die without a home,” aren't words that leave much room for ambiguity. Still, the musicianship is good, and the reality is that the world isn't always a sunny place, so music like this is often right on the mark. Two albums from very different places musically, but both Iggy and the Stooges and the Arcade Fire deserve your attention.

For a third straight day..........

http://www.gozips.com/ViewArticle.dbml?SPSID=47192&SPID=4338&DB_OEM_ID=10800&ATCLID=824492

And here's what I did with my Friday, just follow the link

http://www.gozips.com/ViewArticle.dbml?SPSID=47192&SPID=4338&DB_OEM_ID=10800&ATCLID=823758

Here's what I did today.......

http://www.gozips.com/ViewArticle.dbml?SPSID=47192&SPID=4338&DB_OEM_ID=10800&ATCLID=822817

Rosie O'Donnell is fat, disgusting and dumb, and I revel in ripping her

- Paging Donald Trump, paging Donald Trump……..Rosie O’Donnell is in need of another verbal beatdown, and since the Donald so loves lighting O’Fat up with a flurry of verbal jabs and uppercuts, I thought he’d want the chance. Normally a person could make the moronic comments that O’Fat makes and they’d fly largely under the radar, but because of her recent history of sounding bitter, militant and unintelligent every time she opens her pie hole (well, when she’s not busy shoving a side of barbecue spare ribs into it), I feel compelled to blast her on a regular basis. This time, O’Fat weighed in (something I’m sure she doesn’t do too often, because after all, finding one of those roadside weigh stations with a big enough scale to weigh her giant, flabby body is tough) on the Antonella Barba scandal, and not surprisingly, O’Fat sounds like the bitter, fat, gross slob she always is. She insists that Barba still on American Karaoke only because she’s thin and white, while a black contestant was voted off in a previous season after posing for reveling photos as Barba did. I can't speak for the white/black part of the equation, but here’s the thing; neither can Rosie. Hey O’Fat, you do know you’re white, right? I don’t remember seeing you leading our nation’s civil rights crusade with Al Sharpton and Jessie Jackson, so don’t play the race card now because you’re just too stupid to come up with anything more insightful. Secondly, and most importantly: yes, most people prefer looking at thin, good looking women as opposed to obscenely fat, three-chin sporting slobs like you. Sorry, but it’s the truth. Quit being the bitter fat chick and if you really have an issue with this, push away from the buffet table and hit the gym at least once a decade. This is a fake reality show/karaoke show/talent competition, and people who are dumb enough to pay to call in and vote for the winner deserve to vote on whatever criteria they choose. This ain’t the presidential election, O’Fat, and it doesn’t matter who wins or how. I would rather hear Antonella Barba and her talentless voice sing for a week straight than to listen to one second of the offensively bitter and moronic blathering coming from your mouth, so can it, O’Fat, no one thinks you’re funny or insightful.

- My blanket policy when it comes to spandex is thus: it’s something you should try to avoid if at all possible. Sometimes you can’t, such as track and field athletes who need to be as aerodynamic as possible and who could be hurt literally by being slowed down even .0001 seconds. However, the general population and even athletes in other sports really don’t have a pressing need for spandex outfits, at least not as a primary layer of clothing. You want to slap on some spandex shorts under a pair of athletic shorts as a secondary layer, fine. Otherwise, we need to have a mandatory licensing process for anyone wanting to wear spandex, as evidenced by the many, many people who, to put it kindly, have a bit too much beef on their physique to look good in the material. For this reason, I have to say how absurdly bad the new basketball uniforms from Nike look. The new duds feature the normal basketball shorts topped off by a form-fitting spandex top, and they look as absurd as they sound. You’ve got the normal, past-the-knee length shorts players like to wear that look more like Capri pants than shorts, then up top you have this über-tight jersey and the juxtaposition of the two is ridiculous. Everyone’s looking for the next cool look and the next innovation to stay ahead of the fashion/athletic performance field, but this is a step back, not a step forward.

- See, this is why you need to avoid sending personal email from your work email address. If you make that mistake and then find yourself in the middle of an astronaut love triangle wherein one of the participants drives cross country wearing an adult diaper to kidnap another member of the triangle, then those emails will become public fodder. Astronaut Bill Oefelein is finding that out now that emails described as “steamy” are being released as part of the court records in the case against astro-nut Lisa Nowak. There are emails between Oefelein and both Nowak and Air Force Sgt. Colleen Shipman, and in those emails you can find talk of ripping clothes off, being head-over-heels in love and getting your astronaut freak on. I’m betting that our buddy Bill is regretting sending those emails from his NASA account right about now, just like he’s regretting ever hooking up with Nowak in the first place, then dumping her for Shipman. Lots of guys have stories about crazy ex-girlfriends who go too far to exact revenge, but Oefelein looks to have hooked himself one of the craziest, most mentally unstable fish in the pond this time.

- I don’t know who looks worse in this next story, the schmucks who fell for a multi-million dollar art scam or the crooks that operated it. Normally you’re inclined to rip anyone who bilks others out of that kind of jack, but this time, equal ridicule has to go to the bilkees. Many of us enjoy art and the idea of having a painting by Picasso, Chagall or Dali hanging in your home to impress friends and visitors is enticing. However, if said piece of art, alleged to be signed by the painter himself, was purchased through a televised auction on some home shopping channel, I have to begin asking serious questions about the IQ level of the buyer. If you’re dumb enough to believe that you are buying a piece of art from a world-renowned painter through a TV auction, then you just might deserve to part with some of the money in your wallet. Kristine Eubanks, 49, and husband Gerald Sullivan, 51, are alleged to be at the helm of the scam and have been charged with conspiracy to commit mail fraud, wire fraud and interstate transportation of stolen property. Crimes of stupidity, thankfully, are not allowed, so those who got suckered into buying the faux-art won't be charged with anything. I guess P.T. Barnum wasn’t wrong when he said there’s a sucker born every minute, because most of the time it seems like there’s one born every ten seconds.

- Some lucky Star Wars loser is going to be verrrrrry popular when he or she attends the next Convention of Losers. That’s because someone out there paid $107,109 to buy the robe worn by Sir Alec Guinness when he played Obi Wan Kanobe in the first round of Star Wars flicks. The robe, which is described as being more of a burlap sack, was sold for that obscenely high price at an auction, and I can just picture the winning bidder, phoning in from his mom’s basement, playing Dungeons and Dragons and trying to use his grubby 32-year-old hands to fish the last of his money out of his Jabba the Hut piggy bank and asking his mom if he can have this week’s allowance a day early so he can buy this robe he just has to have. Next time this dork goes to a Star Wars convention, I bet all of the chicks dressed as Princess Lea will definitely want to hook up with him now that he’s sporting this great piece of movie history. Well done, loser, I hope you’re happy with yourself.

- Steve Spurrier arrived at the University of South Carolina seeking to establish the Gamecocks as a national college football power, and based on this latest story about his program, he’s well on his way. More so than signing a Top 10 recruiting class, having a player arrested is a clear indication that you are in fact a big-time program. Stephen Garcia, a freshman quarterback for South Carolina, is in a bit of trouble after he allegedly keyed the car of one of his professors, along with a prior arrest for drunkenness and failing to stop for a police officer. You can talk all you want about big wins on the field, recruiting top-notch players, winning bowl games and championships, but nothing says “major football power” quite like an arrest. Preferably it would be for domestic violence (a la Lawrence Phillips in the ‘90s at Nebraska) or drug use, or assault, but in this case vandalizing a prof’s car will have to do. The Miami Hurri-thugs have built nearly their entire tradition on being criminal gangstas, and if South Carolina can keep piling up the arrests, they can build that same kind of tradition. If they need any sort of mentoring in this endeavor, they can always contact the professionals, by which I mean the Cincinnati Bengals, an NFL team that takes getting arrested to a whole new level, almost an art form.

- I urge you to ignore the new O.J. Simpson story about him claiming that he may be the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s infant daughter. Quite frankly, the Juice is simply working as hard as possible to upgrade his suite in hell. He’s currently at the deluxe model condo with a plasma screen and hot tub, but by claiming he may have fathered the baby of a deceased woman and joking that he hopes he’s not the father so Fred Goldman won't try to repossess the baby to help satisfy the civil judgment against O.J. in the wrongful death suit, the Juice is clearly trying to move up to the über-deluxe mansion with a game room, indoor pool and in-home theater. Yes, O.J., you are still the worst guy ever.

Ron Artest strikes again, fat kids get help and ABC greenlights an idiotic new show

- Ron Artest is a bad, bad man. By that, I mean he’s Likes to Fight Guy, and he’s also marginally insane. You probably remember Ron Ron from the incident a couple years ago when he attacked a fan in the stands at a game against the Detroit Pistons. Even non-sports fans heard about this; it was all over the news for days, and the NBA received a lot of negative publicity and made a lot of rules changes as a result of the brawl that ensued. As it turned out, Artest attacked the wrong fan, punching out someone who didn’t actually throw the cup of beer at him as he lay on the scorer’s table in defiance of a foul call he didn’t like. His team, the Indiana Pacers, viewed him as radioactive from that point on and ended up trading him to Sacramento shortly thereafter. There have been minor disturbances since then, but over the weekend, Mount Ron Ron finally blew its top in the most clichéd of all athlete misbehavior, domestic violence. He is accused of pushing his girlfriend to the ground during an argument, then committing another crime by preventing her from using the phone to report the abuse. Best of all, though, is the fact that his girlfriend, apparently a lot braver than most of us, came right back at Ron Ron, busting the window on his Hummer with a frying pan when he tried to drive away. Honestly, I’m terrified just looking at the angry, slightly off-kilter look on Artest’s face in his mug shot, so I admire his girlfriend for being willing to come right back at him after he attacked her. We might as well go ahead and put Ron into a steel cage match with Mike Tyson now, because that’s where both of them are headed as circus freak sideshow acts. But Artest has plenty of time to think about all of this, because Sacramento has given him a paid, indefinite leave of absence from the team. Happy trails, Ron Ron, please stay away from Ohio so I don’t have to build a security wall around my home.

- For a magazine that is all about business and finance and presumably caters to smart, successful people, Forbes magazine is incredibly stupid, at least when it comes to sports. The magazine has named Minnesota Timberwolves GM Kevin McHale as the #1 GM in all of professional sports, which is the most befuddling choice since Richie Nixon and that whole Vietnam thingy. McHale is one of the most inept general managers in sports, not one of the best. His team’s record the past four years: 161-144 (a mediocre .527 winning percentage). Number of championships: 0. Playoff appearances: 1. Coaches hired and fired: 3. Despite having future Hall of Famer Kevin Garnett in his prime, McHale has continually failed to surround KG with any semblance of talent in order to win a title. He was penalized in 1998 for blatantly breaking the rules to sign overrated free agent Joe Smith to an illegal contract, and the team lost draft picks as a result. Currently, he has a guy on his team named Marko Jaric, who McHale traded for, along with a bloated 4-year contract that Jaric has validated by scoring hearty 5.2 points per game and not even being good enough to earn a starting role.

- Have you gotten more than a little tired of those Geico commercials featuring the three cavemen? You’ve probably seen the three Neanderthals (literally) who are insulted by claims that using Geico is so easy “even a caveman can do it.” Not only have those spots been run into the ground, they’ve reached such a subterranean level that they might be piercing the earth’s core any moment. Even the best ads cease to be funny and/or interesting when you see them over and over and over again. Well, ABC apparently is too clueless to realize this, because the network has actually ordered a pilot for a comedy tentatively titled Cavemen, featuring the three characters from those ads. Normally I wait until I see promos for a show to rip it, but I’m going to make an exception here. First, even without the ads, this show would be an abysmally awful idea. A show about three cavemen? Seriously, you want to pin ratings hopes on that pile of manure? It’s so unrealistic that it’s offensively stupid. Yes, some shows (those like Heroes, Smallville, Supernatural, etc.) do require you to suspend your disbelief in order to buy into their supernatural premises, but that isn't what this is. There are no supernatural goings on here, just a trio of individuals from prehistoric times presumably living in today’s world. Any jokes or humor you could derive from that were explored in those commercials, and if there’s not enough humor to carry a 30-second ad, how in the world can you even think of building a half-hour sitcom out of it? ABC really needs to institute a stronger drug testing policy for its executives, because whoever green-lighted this one is clearly high on the ganja.

- If you can't capitalize on a national tragedy and exploit it for political gain, then what good is it? Democratic presidential candidates Barack Obama and Hank Clinton both took advantage of the remembrance of the day in 1965 when white police beat black Alabamans nearly 42 years ago at a civil rights march in Selma, Alabama to promote their campaigns by showing a “genuine” concern for civil rights and remembering their heritage. The only problem? Hank Clinton is a white person and Obama is the son of an African father and a European mother, so neither one of them knows the first thing about dealing directly with the horrible effects of slavery. Showing up for a photo op at a ceremony is as disingenuous as you can get, and seeing a picture of Obama at one end of a line of people and Clinton at the other end, looking at one another with phony, fraudulent smiles makes you’re stomach turn. I’m still overwhelmingly behind Obama and any other candidate who isn't Hank Clinton, but Barack, my man, stop being such a phony and a slick politician. It’s your nature, I know, as a politician, but if you can fight to actually be even quasi-normal and real, you’ve got a great chance at being the next occupant of the Oval Office.

- Once again, fat people are looking for 1) ways to blame everyone but themselves for eating too much and not exercising, and 2) methods to eliminate their portly, blubber-clad physiques without eating too much and actually exercising. Specifically, this story involves obesity in children, based on the fact that the number of U.S. children having obesity (gastric bypass) surgery has tripled in between 2000 and 2003. Nearly 800 children has the obesity surgery in 2003, which is disturbing on many levels. First, nice to know that parents continue to shove greasy, friend, fatty foods down their kids’ pie holes. Also nice to know that parents are able to overlook the fact that they, by and large, control what and when their kids eat and thus could help alleviate the rolls of fat around their children’s waists and ankles by giving them healthier food and making sure they get plenty of exercise and physical activity. Much easier to just wait until your kid weight 200 pounds and have them go under the knife to address the problem, though. It helps the kids to learn that they need not take charge of their own health, because there’s always a quick fix for being fat; just get some surgery. That way, they can be well-prepared to grow into the overweight adults that the rest of the world mocks Americans for being.

I still hate Duke, I love Euro-anarchists and I'm gonna avoid raw oysters

- This next story is prefaced by the fact that I hate the Duke men’s basketball team. I absolutely abhor Coach Kryzewski and his merry band of upper class, snobbish suburban underachievers, most of whom won't be able to hack it in the NBA and will end up back at Duke as one of Coach K’s horde of assistant coaches. Even with my open hatred of Duke, though, my take on the incident involving Duke played Gerald Henderson flagrantly fouling North Carolina player Tyler Hansbrough and breaking Hansbrough’s nose wouldn’t be any different if I was totally indifferent to Duke or even if I liked them. Henderson’s violent elbow to Hansbrough came in the final minute of a game that Carolina clearly had in hand. Hansbrough went to the basket for a dunk and Henderson cocked an elbow and blasted him in the face, earning a flagrant foul, an ejection and a lot of Hansbrough’s blood on the floor. Duke apologists are already spinning it by saying that Carolina shouldn’t have had its starters in when the outcome of the game was no longer in doubt, or they’re saying that it was accidental. Both claims are futile, though, because the game was in the 12-14 point range, yeah, but it’s a rivalry game and why give Duke any hopes of even starting to make a comeback, and also, this was no accident. Watch the replays and you’ll see Henderson readying himself to deliver the blow, going right for the head. Coach K hinted at the fact that if the starters for UNC had been out, this wouldn’t have happened, but of course he lacked the testicular fortitude to own up to the fact that the foul was designed to send a message to Carolina. Henderson earns a one-game suspension for the flagrant foul and ejection, which should be good enough. Hansbrough might be the one with the broken nose here, but Duke is the one with a black eye from this incident, the last pock mark on a decidedly underwhelming, un-Duke-like season.

- Hopefully you, like me, are keeping a running tally of food products that are no longer safe to eat. Celery, green onions, mushrooms and peanut butter have already gone up on the list in the past few months, now they are joined by oysters. The Food and Drug Administration has warned consumers not to eat raw oysters harvested from San Antonio Bay in Texas after more than two dozen people in Maryland became ill last month after eating those very oysters. Honestly, you could’ve stopped after the part about not eating raw oysters and most of America would’ve been good with that, save the small population of competitive eating freaks who jam massive quantities of disgusting food down their gullets for no real reason. But the Rose Bay Oyster Co. Bayview Seafood have issued a recall on their oysters, so be on the lookout for them if you’re a seafood lover. Also, stay tuned because I’m sure within a few days, I’ll have another addition to the list of toxic foods that you’ll need to avoid.

- It must be nice to be so rich that you can have valuable, stolen artwork laying around and not even realize anyone is looking for it. Director Steven Spielberg had a thieved Norman Rockwell painting, Russian Schoolroom, in his collection, but didn’t know it was stolen until some of his employees spotted it on an FBI website and reported it. Not sure what these minions were doing browsing an FBI website (maybe research for an upcoming movie?), because when it comes to employees perusing the ‘Net at work, law enforcement sites are typically low on the list, behind ESPN.com, defamer.com, TMZ.com, weatherchannel.com and fark.com. But the important thing is that a valuable painting that Spielberg probably forgot he even had and never even looked at because it was at one of his four different homes around the world that he rarely stays at has been returned to its home in Clayton, Mo. I’ll speak for all of America and say that thank God that national nightmare is over, we can all sleep better tonight thanks to that burden being lifted from our shoulders.

- Slight pet peeve to hit on when it comes to sporting announcers, or even with announcers/hosts of TV or radio broadcasts in general……every time I hear one of these unfunny a-holes broadcasting from a warm climate (Florida usually, sometimes SoCal) and they try to bust out with a funny line about how it’s nice where they are or maybe it’s unusually “chilly” for, say Florida (like 60 degrees) but they shouldn’t complain because it’s friggin’ freezing any snowing in most of the country, I wanna wring their pretty little TV necks until their eyes pop right out of their heads. Hey, we get it, it’s a lot nicer where you are than where we are. We don’t like freezing our butts off, but it’s where we live at least for now. It’s not funny or fresh, and it’s about the most unoriginal joke you can make on a broadcast. You’re going to draw one of the following responses, and they’re all negative: 1) not funny, bad joke, 2) thanks for rubbing it in, jerk, or 3) you suck, please shut up. If you can't do any better than that when coming up with material for your on-air time, might be time to hang ‘em up and ride off into the sunset.

- Back to back days, back to back stories of riots in the Europe/Western Asia corner of the world. This tale comes by way of Denmark, where riots by a group of anarchists in the Danish capital of Copenhagen have led to more than 500 arrests since the protests began Thursday. It isn't just Danish anarchists, either; anti-establishment folk from all across Europe have flocked to Denmark to join in on the civil (and not-so-civil) disobedience. Late night clashes with police have led to the burning of cars, the vandalism of a school and damage to several other buildings. The Swedes, the Norwegians and the Germans have all lent a hand to the Danes in this anti-government activity, aimed at opposing proposed reforms by the center-right government that leftists claim will erode their country’s governing system. Denmark sports high taxes to finance a generous welfare system, with free education and health care that is heavily subsidized. Stodgy politico Anders Fredrik Mihle of the governing Liberal Party’s youth wing, sounding very much like the crusty old guy he is, said, “The spoiled kids in the youth house woke up to reality in Danish society where you have a job and pay rent.” Well said, you out of touch old bastard. The igniting spark for the riots came when squatters were evicted from an abandoned building that had become a center of sorts for young leftists and punks, but honestly, these people were looking for a reason to go, and the cops gave it to them. My position is that rioting and looting are only acceptable as a means of celebration when your team wins a championship, so I’m going to have to lightly admonish the Euro anarchists, but I still applaud their willingness to go toe-to-toe with those who enforce a system they deem unfair. And anyone who riots against the “realization that in _________ society you have to have a job and pay rent” is A-ok in my book.

- I just couldn’t let this one go. It’s my sworn policy to rip any and all mindles, inane music that is founded solely upon moronic lyrics whose entire point is, “I’m hot, look at me and want to get with me.” This applies mostly to musical abominations like Fergie and the Pussycat Skanks/Dolls, but this concept has been taken to a new, literal low point by an artist named Mims. Now I’ve never heard of Mims before now, I don’t know if it’s a dude or a chick (with the title of this song, hopefully a chick, because a dude singing this song would be wrong on so many levels), I don’t know if it’s a group or a solo act, and I’m not at all inclined to waste any of my time finding out, not when I could be doing other, more important things like organizing my sock drawer. But the title of Mims’ current single is This is Why I’m Hot, and it’s about the dumbest thing, musically, I can remember seeing in a long, long time. Unless you can come up with something less superficial, less idiotic, less mindless and more complex than that, your recording contract should be ripped from you. Heck, Mill Vanilli and Vanilla Ice think your song lacks creativity and depth, Mims. I’m offended just reading about it, to be honest.

Lovin' the Black Donnellys, a shipment of human organs goes awry and riots in Russia

- This is a few days late, but a definite thumbs up to NBC for its new drama, The Black Donnellys. I watched the pilot episode on its initial broadcast Monday night and enjoyed it so much I tuned in for the rebroadcast on Thursday. Also, I’m not saying I loved it just because they cast the chick (Olivia Wilde) who played Alex, Marissa Cooper’s lesbian lover on The O.C., as one of the female leads, and seeing Wilde brought back memories of her and Mischa Barton making out on screen. This show is legitimately good, although it will be interesting to see if they can keep from becoming to stereotypical in their portrayal of organized crime and of the Irish heritage of the four Donnelly brothers, the stars of the show. The drama was good, though, and there was enough understated humor to keep things interesting. The show definitely has a dark element to it, but it’s not overly bleak or all serious all the time. Maybe the fact that until Heroes premiered last fall NBC hadn't had a quality new show since early this decade is blowing my enthusiasm for the Donnellys out of proportion, but I doubt it. This is a really good show that should be a staple of the NBC lineup for a while. Of course, you know what that means. It’ll be cancelled within a year or two, because that’s apparently what happens to all good shows nowadays.

- The Era of the Snake is over in the NFL. Jake “The Snake” Plummer, the erratic, inconsistent, bearded quarterback who patrolled the field and threw indefensibly dumb passes for a decade for the Arizona Cardinals and Denver Broncos, has retired. This is noteworthy because of the bizarre circumstances under which the retirement took place. The Broncos, who benched Plummer last year in favor of rookie Jay Cutler, attempted to trade the Snake to Tampa Bay, but rather than accept the trade and report to Tampa, Plummer just quit. It’s just the kind of competitive, fiery spirit I love to see in athletes. If you’re traded to a team you don’t want to play for, quit. If you have to go to a team where you may have to fight for the starting quarterback job, just quit. If you are benched and can no longer lead a team to wins, quit. Thanks for the hearty, refuse-to-die spirit, Jake, you and your omnipresent interceptions, brain farts and general mediocrity will be sorely missed.

- If you’ve been jones-ing for your Donald Trump fix like me, now that the Donald has ceased dropping verbal beatdowns on Rosie O’Donnell, here’s a pleasant bit of news for you. Trump, deciding to mingle with the commoners a bit, is making appearances on World Wrestling Entertainment programming in preparation for taking part in WrestleMania in April. Trump and WWE owner Vince McMahon will oppose each other in the “Battle of the Billionaires”, with a wrassler representing each of them and the losing billionaire to have his head shaved by the winning billionaire. Somehow I don’t think the Donald would agree to this if he were going to end up on the losing end, so let’s go ahead and assume that the outcome for this match will be in his favor. Good to see the world’s most arrogant, self-confident billionaire mingle with the common folk, though, and that his TV endeavors aren't limited to his unwatchable reality show, The Apprentice.

- This will look great in the wedding album. Elizabeth Hurley, marrying some random Indian businessman, had the ever-fruity Elton John give her away at the ceremony. Normally that’s reserved for the father, but I don’t know if Hurley’s father is deceased or they’re estranged, so I’ll overlook that particular part of the story. However, I need to know if Elton was wearing one of his blue, sequined jackets with matching sequined sunglasses for the wedding. Also, was he performing at the reception, doing his 1,000,000^th rendition of that song he did for the Princess Diana funeral and hasn’t stopped performing incessantly since? Yes, nothing adds class and dignity to a wedding quite like Elton John, that’s for sure.

- There’s nothing better in life than sticking it to the man. It’s not nearly as much fun when the man sticks it to you, quite literally, with big metal sticks. That’s what happened to Russian protestors in St. Petersburg, hometown of Russian President Vladimir Putin. Several thousand demonstrators, participating in what they called the March of Those Who Disagree (veeeeery clever, intelligent moniker) marched through the streets of St. Petersburg but were met with heavy opposition by police. The cops clubbed the protestors with truncheons after the protestors ignored demands that their activity be limited to a rally away from the center of the city. In a ballsy move, Those Who Disagree broke from their rally site and began marching. The bullying cops began administering beatdowns and dragging the protestors into waiting buses. The real irony here? The protest was against Russia’s alleged rollback from democracy. And nothing proves people wrong about your country rolling back from democracy like a dictatorial, oppressive thwarting of a protest march. That’ll shut ‘em up, Putin. Mix in some state control of agriculture, force people to surrender their property and belongings to the state and you’ll really have made your point. Props to Those Who Disagree for the stance they are taking and their willingness to give the finger to The Man, it makes the world a better place.

- What’s the proper delivery procedure for human organs to your home? I know you have to sign for certain packages and some can't be left on your porch without a signature, but does that apply when receiving a shipment of 28 human organs? A Cascade Township, Mich. man was faced with that question when a DHL delivery guy dropped off two packages containing, among other things a liver and part of a head, to his home. Apparently, the delivery man believed the packages were pieces of a table, and honestly, who wouldn’t make that mistake? Pieces of a table, pieces of a human body, whatever. The packages came from China and authorities believe that the body parts were actually intended to be distributed to medical institutions around the country. But I’m guessing the unintended recipient of those body parts will have a great story to tell friends for years to come….”Hey, remember when I thought I was getting that dining room table delivered but instead I got a package with some spleens, kidneys, livers and intestines? Wasn’t that hilarious?” Clearly, better labeling for packages is in order for DHL, that way we can avoid any inadvertent body part deliveries to unsuspecting citizens.

You CAN fix stupid, and I can help two crappy reality shows with their problems

- Proof that stupid is not fatal and is reversible: actor Vincent Pastore, who originally agreed to appear on this season of Dancing With the (D-list) Stars, but after only one week or training, Pastore quit. While he cited the intense physical nature of the training being too much to handle, I’m going to read between the lines and assume that what he’s really saying is, “I realized what an ass hat I’d look like appearing on this show and what an absolute joke this whole thing is. Being on a show with a bunch of hacks who are either wannabes or washed up, desperate publicity hounds is a terrible idea, and I’m sorry I ever agreed to this in the first place.” So realizing that’s your sentiment, Vinny, I wholeheartedly salute you for righting this wrong. You will be better off for it, assuming that your wife or girlfriend doesn’t drag you into watching the show anyhow.

- Diaper-clad, gun-rubber-mallet-and-garbage-bag toting astro-nut Lisa Nowak has dodged a bullet. Prosecutors have charged her with attempted kidnapping (and other lesser charges) in incident involving her and a romantic rival for the affections of another astronaut. Police recommended an attempted murder charge as well, but prosecutors decided against it. Intent to inflict bodily harm, burglary using a weapon and battery are also among the charges against Nowak, but stunningly she denies them all. I’m not sure how you can deny the charges when you’re found with a cache of weapons and wearing an adult diaper, but deny she has. Frankly, I’d have gone the not guilty by reason of insanity, because this is one case where it might actually be accurate and not just a last-ditch attempt to get out of a crime that the evidence clearly convicts you of. Not many sane people drive halfway across the country wearing a diaper with a gun, a lead pipe, trash bags and other weaponry to confront a supposed romantic rival. Insanity seems like the only sane defense the Nowak camp can apply to this one.

- I’m a solutions-oriented guy. I love helping people by figuring out logical answers to problems that are plaguing others, and so I feel very good about being able to help out two separate groups of people with one very simple solution. The two groups I’m going to help are the producers of reality shows American Karaoke and that other one with the really long name that’s looking for the next Pussycat Skank, er, Doll. My answer is two words: Antonella Barba. With mounting evidence that she’s little more than a shrill-voiced skank who enjoys taking her clothes off, I have the perfect solution for all involved. Clearly, no one thinks she belongs on AK (although since when does not having talent preclude you from staying on that abomination?), and her burgeoning sex kitten image could further embarrass a show that already embarrasses itself quite adequately simply by existing. Meanwhile, the producers of the show to find the next Pussycat Skank are about to waste a lot of time and money by producing and filming their show when the answer to their quest lies right before their eyes. I’ll even spell it out: remove Barba from American Karaoke and declare her the automatic winner of the Pussycat Skank reality debacle. She fits their criteria quite well; as already stated, she has little to no musical ability and no aversion to wearing little or no clothing. She’s a perfect fit for Cinnamon, Dakota, Destiny and whatever the other Pussycat Skanks are named. Also, AK could be rid of her and could focus on finding its next effeminate, makeup-loving, man-blouse wearing balladeer. It’s a win-win for everyone, and I feel very good about myself for coming up with it, and no thanks are necessary, it’s just how I roll, b’otch.

- The more I hear Tracy McGrady’s comments re: the 2008 NBA All-Star game in New Orleans, the more I think T-Mac sounds like an absolute nincompoop. The short version is that, in the wake of Katrina, with the Big Easy still recovering and rebuilding, McGrady says he wouldn’t feel safe attending All-Star weekend in the city. My most obvious beef is as follows; T-Mac’s concerns have a really easy solution. Fly into N.O., go straight to your hotel and only leave when going to the game or to All-Star Weekend festivities. When you do go out, hire a driver and a couple security guards so your only exposure to the street is walking out of the hotel to your waiting ride. You concerns, T-Mac, are about when you go out at night, go to clubs, whatever. Well, genius, no one is requiring you to do that. You’re only exposing yourself to as much danger as you choose to expose yourself to. A secondary beef of mine is that the game is still a year away, and New Orleans will be much better off in a year than it is now (I hope, as long as F.E.M.A. gets the hell out of the way so qualified, competent people can take charge). Also, way to kick the residents of New Orleans while they’re still hurting, T-Mac. Like the 400+ arrests, multiple shootings and brawls in Vegas were perfectly safe this year. Yet another piece of evidence that athletes should shut their mouths unless they’re commenting on the game itself, because most of these guys are too brain-dead to intelligently comment on societal issues in general.

- Call my nutty, but I would much, much rather watch the excitement of the so-called “mid-major” conference basketball tournaments than the more-publicized, more-hyped major conference tourneys the next week or so. The Big Ten, Pac-10, ACC, SEC, etc. will get most of the attention and TV time, but the intensity just isn't the same for the most part. Why? Well, in the major conf tournaments, usually half of the teams involved or more have NCAA tournament bids sewn up before the tourney begins. They know they’re going to the Big Dance regardless; thus, that extra level of intensity that can only come via desperation isn't there. But go to the Atlantic Sun or Southern Conference tournaments, for example, and you have 10 or 12 teams who know that their only shot at the NCAA’s is winning their conference tournament. You also have teams who’ve had amazing seasons, 28-4 type seasons, and yet if they don’t close it out by winning their own tournament, all those wins will go for naught. That pressure and desperation improves these tournaments exponentially, and it makes them far superior viewing to two Big Ten teams battling to see who can move up a seed or two in the NCAA tournament that they’re both assured of making.

Gambling away your daughter, a $500,000 snowboarding trip and more lies from W.

- Snowboarding is an expensive hobby to pick up, and if you don’t believe me, ask Los Angeles Laker forward Vladomir Radmanovic. Vlad decided to make his first-ever foray into the snowboarding experience over the NBA’s All-Star break, but his first venture into snowboarding might also be his last. An accident on the slopes left him with a separated shoulder, but because activities like snowboarding are among those specifically banned in contracts (for that exact reason of injuries like this) for pro athletes, Radmanovic had to come up with a cover story to avoid getting into trouble with the Lakers. His attempt at an excuse: he was carrying some coffee and slipped coming out of the café, an excuse that the team astonishingly didn’t buy. They pressed the issue and ultimately learned how Radmanovic actually hurt his shoulder. Because he sustained the separated shoulder doing an activity prohibited in his contract and then lied about it, Vlad has been fined $500,000, which is waaaaay too much to pay to go snowboarding. When you mix in the cost of the board, the pass for the ski resort, the goggles, the coat and pants from the Land’s End catalog and the public humiliation for being both a liar and an idiot, that’s one expensive outing. Find another hobby, Vlad, because you are not going to be confused with Shawn White or Travis Pastrana anytime soon.

- Peanut butter can go on the list of food products that aren't safe to eat. Celery, green onions and mushrooms have been recent additions to the list because of contamination that usually involves E. coli, and now the discovery of salmonella at the ConAgra foods plant in Sylvester, Ga. makes everyone’s favorite sandwich spread the next dangerous food product. All sorts of peanut butter and peanut-butter-related products have now been recalled, but the list of foods that are actually safe to eat is growing shorter and shorter. At this point, unless you grow the food yourself, harvest it yourself and prepare it yourself, your chances of avoiding salmonella or E. coli appear to be slim at best.

- New rule for public officials, both elected and appointed: whatever sex you were when you took your current position, you need to remain that same sex throughout the duration of your term. I shouldn’t have to explain that one, but Steve/Susan Stanton of Largo, Fla. makes it necessary because dude was asking the public to keep him on as city manager even though he plans to undergo a sex-change operation and become a chick. I hate to be harsh, but let me bottom line this: Steve/Susan, you sick freak, sex change operations are about the most disgusting thing you can do. God made you one sex, and you really shouldn’t be having crucial body parts and appendages added or subtracted so you can change over to the opposite sex. That being said, if you really feel the need to do that, don’t do it when you’re in a high-level political position and we all have to be witness to your freakery. Wait til you’re out of office, then do it quietly and start anew somewhere else, somewhere where people won't remember you as once being a man. Of course, I do find it veeeeery compassionate and caring that Pastor Ron Saunders of the Lighthouse Baptist Church in Largo told Stusan, “If Jesus was here tonight, he’d want you terminated. Make no mistake about it.” Now that’s the kind of Christian love I like to see, play the, “Jesus wants bad things to happen to people who make questionable choices” card. Call me crazy, pastor, but I think maybe Jesus would view Stusan with a more compassionate eye and not wish for him to be fired and run out of town despite a morally wrong choice. None of that changes the fact that Stusan is a freak, though, and he/she is not someone that the people of Largo wish to have as their city manager any longer.

- Take heart, ye citizens devastated by Hurricane Katrina and still with your lives in shambles more than a year and a half later, the government finally realizes how slow it has been in providing the assistance it promised! Yes, you may have been saying for months and months that you’re not receiving the aid and support you need, and FEMA may have f’ed up badly, failed to help you and made life miserable, but be encouraged because the Chief Idiot, our beleaguered leader W., told New Orleans city officials that he realizes help has been slow in coming and that he “wants to know the frustrations.” Well, I hope that makes it all better, the bold promise to….hear your complaints. Not to fix them, rectify the mistakes or provide actual assistance, but to hear your frustrations. Well, at least these words came in expedient fashion, a mere 18 months or so after the disaster. That kind of speed and promptness should instill a sense of pride in every American and give Gulf Coast residents hope that their region will be rebuilt and will return to glory….in 2027.

- Good to see that students at Columbine High School are still mindful of the tragedy that happened at the school in 1999, when the deadliest school shooting in U.S. history took place. By mindful, I mean that some tool, maybe a student or maybe just some joker in the community, phoned in a bomb threat to CHS Thursday. Bomb threats are always lame and always totally out of line, but you’d think people who lived through such a major tragedy might have a little more sensitivity to this type of thing. But then again, maybe not. Police report that this was the 10^th threat of violence against the school since the shootings, proving that to some twisted freaks, even the massive loss of human life isn't cause enough to stop acting like brain-dead idiots.

- Speaking of governmental efficiency and effectiveness….you can always count on the federal government, so long as you aren't counting on it to do things in a timely or ethical fashion. The Government Accountability office announced that the government (yes, the government evaluating the government, I realize how unbelievably illogical that is) has missed not one, not two, but thirty-freaking-four Congressionally imposed deadlines for requiring energy-efficiency standards on items ranging from home appliances to power transformers. Now that is focus and dedication at it’s finest. Anyone can fail to meet a few deadlines, but to miss 34 of them, you really have to be at the top of your game. Thankfully, those nearly three-dozen failures haven't negatively impacted anyone el-………oh wait, you mean that the result has been that consumers and corporations have had to pay tens of billions of dollars more for energy? Oh. Well, as evidenced by the previous story about the uber-slow hurricane relief, I’m sure that this matter will be addressed in a prompt, direct fashion.

- Nobody likes a welcher. If you lose a bet, pay up. That near universal rule is an important one when it comes to wagering, as it speaks to the integrity and character of those involved. Of course, lumping integrity and character in with gamblers is an oxymoron of the highest degree, but you do need to pay your debts when you wager. That being said, I think we can all agree that not paying up on the following bet is the right move. An unidentified Pakistani man who lost a poker bet to his friend Lal Heider some 15 years ago never made good on his bet. What did this anonymous Pakistani lose in the bet? Oh, just his then two-year-old daughter, Rasheeda. Yes, you read right, this degenerate bet his own daughter. Heider told his friend that if he won the bet, his $151 debt would be forgiven, but if he lost, he lost little Rasheeda. Now fast forward to the present, where our anonymous gambler has passed away but Lal Heider is still trying to collect on the bet. Rasheeda, now 17, is not surprisingly fighting to keep from going into Heider’s custody and has gone to court to stop it from happening. Hard to absolve anyone of fault here, with the exception of Rasheeda. She was an infant at the time of the bet and I don’t think she really would’ve been able to voice opposition to being put up in a bet. But how exactly do you bet your own kid? In what universe is that acceptable? I suppose it beats the ritual in ancient times of people who sacrificed their children to a pagan god by fire, but that’s not saying much. Worse, however, is Heider, who is still trying to force this teenage girl to honor her father’s bet and go into his custody. Color me cynical, but a middle-aged dude pushing hard to get his hands on a teenage girl…..I hate to say this, but it sure looks like Heider might have some questionable motives. I’m not a mind reader, nor do I want to allege what our buddy Lal might be thinking (SEX), but if I didn’t know better, I’d say he’s after Rasheeda for shady reasons (SEX, SEX, SEX). All in all, proof positive that in some bets, no one wins.

Principals dealing crystal meth, teenage girls robbing banks and why the Internet is screwing us all over

- Evidence just keeps rolling in to confirm the thesis that the Internet is simply a high-powered accelerant facilitating the light-speed decomposition of our culture. I love the online world as much as anyone; my day isn't the same without checking on sports at ESPN.com and cnnsi.com, getting my television fix at tvguide.com and checking my email and Facebook accounts. But when you have people (mostly athletes) ordering mass quantities of steroids through online pharmacies and sexual perverts soliciting what they think are teenage girls in chat rooms, it’s time to reassess priorities. I’m actually really tired of those “To Catch a Predator” shows on NBC; Chris Hanson is becoming waaaaay too ubiquitous on our airwaves. Seriously, it feels like that show is on six nights a week. But as much of an overkill as the show is, there’s no denying how disturbing it is to see all of the sexually twisted freaks get caught coming to a house or park where they think a willing teenage girl is waiting to have sex with them. Maybe these pervs would find other ways to get their fix without the Internet, but right now it’s their biggest tool. Likewise, it appears to be the biggest tool in the cheating toolbox for pro athletes. They, and by they I mean athletes like Gary Matthews, Jr. of the Anaheim Angels and pro boxer Evander Holyfield, have reportedly bought major amounts of ‘roids from online pharmacies. These operations find doctors across the country and pay them off to write scrips for the drugs, which are then sent to anyone with 1) a credit card, and 2) a burning desire to cheat. Holyfield thought he’d be clever and order under the pseudonym Evan Fields, but authorities broke through his cryptic, clever code when Evan Fields had the same phone number and address as Evander Holyfield and when, upon calling Evan Fields, Evander himself answered the phone. All in all, I suppose you could say the Internet is a cultural magnifying glass that enlarges the already existing flaws and freakery of our society. On days like today, though, I’m a little pissed at Al Gore for inventing it.

- Even perpetual lushes who can’t stop drinking and driving get second chances, at least in some South Dakota counties. Despite having multiple DUI’s, drivers can still drive as long as they pass two sobriety checks per day, once in the morning and once in the evening. Fail to show up for either test or fail the test itself, you go to jail. Call me crazy, but this sounds like a bad idea. Even if you can pass those tests, what’s to keep a person from going to a bar after they pass their night-time test and get hammered? Like you can’t drink enough to push your blood-alcohol content past the .008 legal limit and then sober up enough to pass your next test? Taking away someone’s driver’s license is what we in America like to call punishment, and allowing someone to keep their license despite a half dozen DUI’s sends a bad message. It says, “Hey, it’s ok, try again, even if you’ve made horribly bad decisions in the past, decisions that could kill or seriously injure innocent people! You’ll get it right sooner or later!” South Dakota authorities argue that chronic drunken drivers often keep driving even if they lose their licenses, so the testing is a better alternative. How’s about this alternative, South Dakota: put these damn idiots in jail and fine them, $1,000 for their first offense and triple the fine and jail sentence with each subsequent offense. I’m guessing no one is going to want to make it to DUI #6 with a $243,000 fine and ten years of jail time looming.

- F you, Recording Industry Association of America. Those aren't just my sentiments, either, they’re the likely response from the 400 college students nationwide who are about to receive letters from the R.I.A.A. offering discounted settlements on charges of illegally copying music. The offers for reduced settlements come as the music industry is making a renewed effort to combat illegal copying and sharing of music. This campaign is as laughable now as it’s ever been, because you can't stop this activity. You try to install protective software on discs to prevent copying, but there are programs to get around that. You try to sue college kids, they give you the finger. I mean, honestly what are you expecting to get here? These are college kids, morons. Your settlement is going to end up being a dilapidated couch, a pyramid of empty beer cans and a beer pong table. That, of course, is assuming that these students even show up for the trial. Most of them will probably ignore the letter just like they ignore their schoolwork. They don’t have the money to pay for a settlement, so why bother responding to the letter? You’re not going to convince them that their actions are wrong, and it’s like arresting some random terrorist minion; ten more will pop up to take the place of anyone you take down. This is a losing battle, and as someone who, let’s just say actively supports those who procure music in questionably legal methods, it’s one I will do everything I can to help you lose, R.I.A.A.

- As a vocal defender of the civil rights of 15-year-old Mormon girls everywhere, I’m particularly offended by this story. Rebekah Rice, a high school freshman in Santa Rosa, Calif., was reprimanded by school officials and had a notation placed in her permanent record because when she was teased by other students about her Mormon upbringing, her retort was, “That’s so gay.” Now aside from not being all that witty or clever, I really don’t think Rebekah has done anything that wrong. Her parents have sued, which seems like overkill (after all, she wasn’t suspended or expelled, nor did she receive so much as detention), claiming her First Amendment rights were violated because the phrase Rebekah used is “widespread currency in youth culture.” In other words, kids say it all the time and they don’t use it with the same hateful, bigoted meaning that serious, humorless adults (especially activist wackos like the A.L.C.U.) assume that it has. This school district needs to remove the stick from its collective butt and get over itself, because unless you also plan to penalize kids for calling each other retards (offensive to the handicapped), stupid (offensive to dumb people), loser (offensive to people who fail to win in athletic competition) and dumbass (offensive to W.), this is just a petty and arbitrary attack on a kid who didn’t do anything wrong.

- Was the movie Sugar & Spice an educational video or a how-to flick and I just missed it? Sugar & Spice, you might remember, was the one where a group of teenage girls, more specifically cheerleaders, plotted to rob a bank to help pay medical cost for one of their own who had become pregnant. They robbed the bank, got the money and that pretty much sums up a mostly unremarkable movie. Two teenage girls in Acworth, Georgia apparently remember that movie and remember it well, because police say that the two unidentified young felons disguised only with sunglasses handed a teller a note demanding money, then took the cash and walked out. Best of all, no one even knows if they had a weapon. Of course, it’s best to just cooperate and not try to be a hero, that’s what we’re all told, but has it gotten to the point where a bank robber doesn’t even need to have a gun or claim to have one in order to get what they want? If you can hold up a bank with only a handwritten note and some sunglasses, then about 99.4% of the vapid, vain, superficial residents of L.A. and SoCal in general could successfully hold up a bank, provided that the note doesn’t have to be grammatically correct.

- Where were principals like this when I was in junior high? John Acera, a middle school principal in Bethlehem, Pa., was arrested and charged with selling crystal meth from his office after school and on weekends. There’s no evidence that Acera sold drugs to any students, but if you’re lack in scruples to the point that you’re selling crystal meth out of the principal’s office, it stands to reason that you wouldn’t have qualms about selling to an eighth-grader who could pony up the cash. In that school, getting called to the principal’s office took on a whole new meaning. “What, you mean I’m getting called to Principal Acera’s office? Sweet! I’m suffering withdr-, I mean, dang it, I’m in big trouble, this sucks….” Was there some kind of reward system, like instead of getting a certificate for making the honor or merit roll, you got a bag of crystal meth instead? How much could you earn for perfect attendance? Would a 4.0 GPA give you a guaranteed supply of meth for the entire year? And these are the kinds of people who are working closely with your kids and instructing them on a daily basis, America! Don’t you feel good about that?

- Here’s hoping that I wasn’t the only person in America who, at 9 p.m. on the nose, popped in their tape of last week’s series finale of The O.C. to watch and at least create the illusion that a favorite show isn't really gone. Still hard to believe that a show that was such a cultural phenomenon is gone and a show about adults trying to out-trivia fifth graders is in its place. Has anyone checked to make sure that the execs at Fox aren't all smoking peyote and making their programming decisions by putting on blindfolds and throwing darts at a “What shows do we put on air?” board? Seriously, drug testing for these people seems like a great idea right about now.